Weight Loss Information Overload!

Yeah I know a lot of my recent entries are about fitness and healthy living. Well, I write about what I am going through because that is what's happening in my brain.

When it comes to fitness and healthy living there is a lot of information out there. There are a ton of people that want to help and offer advice. Some of these people know what they are talking about. In fact, they know too much and it is annoying. Then there are the folks that are still super unhealthy but still for some reason think that the advice they have to offer is somehow valuable in some way. More annoying. So let's start with them.

There are certain topics of conversation that everyone has some kind of input in. Wondering what is wrong with your car? Post it on Facebook and suddenly all your friends are mechanics or they know a guy. Have some obscure legal issue? Bring that up and everyone you know becomes a lawyer. Want to lose weight? Well everyone that owns a tv or has internet access thinks they are fucking Julian Michaels or something. From there permanent roots on the couch or in their chair, they will spill all kinds of advice, info, and not well researched internet sputum all over you. They will justify this advice as someone they know did it and it worked or they had done in their past and it were successful. This is often followed by the excuse as to why they are not doing it now.

"Well since the baby..."
"I just work too much..."
"Since I got sick..."

And the list goes on. They should google articles on how to overcome making lame excuses. Getting in shape and healthy is hard and I am not going to listen to someone in worse shape than me give me advice on how to better my situation. I don't go to McDonalds expecting to find some healthy food. So if you are that person, shut the fuck up. I know you want to be a part of the conversation and come across smart. The thing is, you have to earn that. Go work out, eat healthy, and struggle with all the mental bullshit that comes with the lifestyle and then you can join the group. Until then, shove another cheesey poof in your mouth and watch TV quietly.



The second group of people are the that are already and always have been in shape. Now these people do come to the table with some credibility. Obviously they have the shit worked out, they have good habits, and probably know a few tricks of the trade. What they do not know is the struggle of going from being fat and out of shape to making better decisions, changing your habits, and working out the mechanics of everything you fucking do every day. People like me have had to completely change the way we think. We started at a deficit. And while we love hearing tips, advice, and best practices, it can become a little overbearing when someone doesn't understand why you don't just immediately get it or change instantly. A good portion of this is mental and emotional. We are becoming different people. Before you start spouting off how easy it is, remember that you didn't start where we did. Lend a hand, be encouraging, but know when to back the fuck off.


The last group can include people that have lost the weight or the people that have always been healthy. But these people are the people that will flood you with information, tips, advice, tricks, and so on. It never ends. And once you think you have tackled one challenge, their "help" tends to make you think you have taken a step back. These are the extremists.

You eat a banana and they will tell you that you ate the wrong kind of banana at the wrong time of day with the wrong hand at the wrong house on the wrong planet.

Fuck you.

The reality is that people that struggle with weight issues are professional rationalizers and excuse makers. Sorry if this hurts feelings but it's the truth. I don't buy into the million and one excuses I hear all the time. If you want it, if your life depended on it, you would find a way to do it. But once you have made the realization and you have started down the path, that is awesome. No one is perfect and there are going to be a lot of challenges in the way that you will have to overcome. Some big but most of them are small minute to minute decisions that you didn't even realize were affecting you in the past. A good example is Mayo vs. Mustard. Your favorite maybe mayo but mustard is the obvious better choice for weightloss. It's crazy because before you just answered without thinking and now you are having to stop and think about it. Each tiny decision like that takes a toll throughout the day.

So when there are these people out there that start regurgitating everything they read on douchefitness.com about how there are radio active meteor particles from the government in your Cheerios, it then becomes another fucking challenge. All the information blends together and you can't remember which vegetables are good and which ones are laced with heroin.

My advice is this. Keep making the small steps and ignore all the information that is not relevant to what you are doing right at that moment. You will figure out the deeper science of things along the way and gradually but right now you are just trying to accomplish one small goal at a time. Don't worry about where the chickens are raised that lay the eggs you are going to eat in the morning. Just make sure you are eating a healthy portion and not snorting pancake batter for breakfast. It's one better decision at a time.

When you are hungry and out and about, your old habit tells you to just swing through Taco Bell because you are busy. Maybe this time, just go to Subway. Even if you get a super unhealthy sandwich, you made a better decision than to keep on the path of Taco Bell. Start there.

When you are grocery shopping, you don't have to read the back of every box you pick up. You know whole wheat tortillas are the better choice than regular ones. You know that even though milk is bad for you, 2% is better than whole milk. Drink lots of energy drinks? Try some coffee instead. Want a soda? Maybe a water this time.

When you reach out grab something, just think what the slightly better alternative to that will be. Eventually, your whole grocery basket will look different. Instead of boxes and boxes of processed food and frozen dinners, there will be more fresh food. The key word is eventually.

My point is that in this overly conscious and slacktivism driven world, no matter what you buy, someone is going to tell you that there is something better. Or how one ingredient in it has been proven to kill rats. Everyone thinks they are informed and will try to help with shit that doesn't help what you are dealing with right now at this very moment in your life. If you can train your brain to go on autopilot of those small decisions that we deal with day to day or minute by minute, then you can focus your attention on the bigger things like joining a work out program or really drilling down on your eating habits and what you are eating. It all starts with habits. It all starts small. For me this whole things started with booze. It was killing me. So I decided to get rid of it. When I did that, that is all I did. I didn't care what I ate, I didn't exercise, I smoked, and I did pretty much whatever I wanted to as long as I didn't drink. Goals are important to have, and setting deadlines is helpful, so I set some soft deadlines to reevaluate things when I go to them. The first 3 months of being sober I didn't do shit because a person only has so much willpower and decision making ability to spread around through the day. After 3 months, I reevaluated where I was and made the decision to start eating healthier. And where did I start? Just by making small better choices. Cooking at home instead of eating out. Wheat instead of white and so on...After a little time, about 2 months I stepped it up to full on clean eating, food measuring, ingredient reading kind of stuff. I gave myself nearly 6 months to start all of that. In that 6 months I still last 30 pounds and I didn't die of corporate poisoned food. Weird huh?

My biggest piece of advice if you want to take it is keep it as simple as you can. Just make sure you are at least stepping in the ride direction before you start running. That is the easiest way to get frustrated and have a burger out of sheer spite. Don't listen to everything everyone has to say. You aren't stupid. You are just learning and practicing. Tony Romo can tell you how to through the perfect pass but you have to practice at it and fuck it up a few times before it will come to you. Set some goals but dial them back a notch. If you want advice, ask someone but be careful who you ask. Beware the extremists. They can be more of a problem than a help.


As I am typing this I realized there is one last group I can quickly mention...The "Short Cutters"

Anyone that tries to sell you something, or mentions something that is going to "knock that weight right off" is an asshole. Healthy eating and living is a lifestyle. It is habit. It is not easy at first. But there is no shortcut. Sure, if you are in situation of lose 100 pounds or you will die in the next year, then you may need to do something extreme and I am sure a doctor or nutritionist will be available to guide you through that. Other than that, smoothie fasts, pills, and deprivation diets are stupid. You have to just learn how to eat right and the right things to eat. This has to last you the rest of life. Not 7 days of drinking of chocolate flavored powder that makes you poop 8 times a day. Network marketing nerds are the worst about this. The problem is they are not health specialists, they are sales people and have no business suggesting this to anyone. We need food. There is no 3 weeks to sexy beach abs for people that are 20 pounds or more overweight. There is a bigger issue that has to be addressed gradually. The biggest reason for that is so after you literally work that ass off, it doesn't come back. Also most of those things just make it harder to lose the weight the next time. There are no shortcuts but you have your whole life to live and you don't have to be in a hurry. When you do it right the first time, you will feel a lot better about it and those same assholes will be out there on yo-yo diets spending hundreds of dollars on garbage. Just eat! Eat well! Stay hydrated and don't let yourself get hungry!

God bless you if you are just starting the transition.  If you are in the thick of it, keep going! That is where I am. If you have made it to your goal weight, encourage people but don't be a douchebag about it. Try to remember how if felt for you.

That being said, I am hungry and I need to eat my lunch.

Learning Life Lessons From Zombies

My most recent life adventure has been healthy living and fitness. I have never really been a fit or athletic kind of guy. Unless of course you count holding records for holding down a couch for the longest period of time without having a disability or reason to do so. I am also pretty sure I have won the 12oz curl competition a few times in the past. Either way, this is all still pretty new to me.

In reaching out to other fit folks and people that have gone down this path before me, one of the best nuggets of advice that was given was to give myself a goal. A goal outside of weight loss or inches lost. I needed to be preparing for something tangible. Some people said they needed to drop a certain amount of weight before a vacation, a wedding, or some other thing that I don't really have the inclination to do at this time. But in doing some reading I saw that a lot of people signed up for 5ks,10ks, marathons and whatnot. I am pretty confident but not an idiot so 10ks and marathons were not an option. I'm not in a movie montage preparing for the greatest achievement of life so I can win the girl and save the community rec center! But I needed something so a 5k seemed to fit. It's not really my style to wake up at 6am so I can go job behind some couple pushing their kids in a stroller through downtown Austin. Too wholesome...After some Google time, I found the Zombie Run. It was at night. It was badass. It was Rock N Roll. I was in.

Now, being fit and eating healthy will teach you a lot about who you are. No doubt. But Never having run a 5k before, much less a 5k running from Zombies...You learn a lot more about yourself. Here is what I learned about myself running through 3 miles of darkness and zombies.

1. When survival is on the line... Integrity is relative.
Running against other runners to see who is the fastest, or against the clock is one thing. The name of the game is speed and fair competition is warranted. But I wasn't running The Juice Box 5k. I was in the middle of a fucking zombie apocalypse. From the moment you arrive they push to get you into the true spirit of things, so I did just that. What exactly did I do that people may think fall into the realm of "cheating"...well some things that I will hold to myself because they are strategic in my mind and not up for debate. I did not hide my flags. I did find some extras on the ground as I went and those may or may not have been used to replace ones I lost to zombie ambush. In the actual ZA, you can't tell me that you would not pick up whatever you could to prolong your life. When survival is on the line...integrity is relative.

2. When survival is on the line... You are capable of more than you think.
I signed up for the race about 3 months before it actually happened. I was optimistic and felt I had plenty of time to prepare. And in a way I did prepare. I went to bootcamp consistently 4-6 times per week. I went and worked on my running...but not much. I had really never ran 3 miles. And up until the day of the race, I still had not run that distance. Procrastination was my enemy. It was there to take me down. I was sure that a few hundred yards into the run I would have lost my flags and breath and had to walk out of there head hung low and tail between legs. The one thing I did have on my side was the foresight to rest, fuel, and hydrate properly. I warmed up like I would for bootcamp, dressed accordingly, and kept my mind optimistic even though a small part of me was struggling. In fact the few days before I even tried to think of a way out of doing it. But I was invested $80 bucks and had already told a bunch of people...had to follow through. Standing at the starting line, alone, but in a crowd of 200 people, I looked up and saw a meteor flash across the sky, break in two, then disappear. This was a sign. It sounds lame, but I needed whatever I could get at that moment so I took it. It was a sign for me and 200 other people. So what. Shut up.

We lined up. "Mind your breathing. Watch your pace. Stay vigilant." I reminded myself. It was time to start. With a scream from approaching zombies, we were off. Running for our lives in the first 100 yard stretch straight into a wall of flames that we had to jump over. This was just the beginning. My blood was pumping. Adrenaline exploded in my veins. It was on.

By the time I made it to the first mile marker, I was barely winded. I jumped, juked, spun, ducked, and jumped around obstacles and zombies like I was on a mission. Every hill climbed, dark corner navigated, and zombie left behind seem to push me harder.

My insecurity about the whole things faded and now it was do or die. I did and I did not die.

3. When in a Survival Situations, Some people are best fed to the beasts.

 Aligning yourself with a group is great, if not just to offer some people up as sacrifice so you may advance.
This seems harsh but in the game of survival, a weakling will get you killed. If not you, then someone else or multiple people. One of my strategies was to follow groups of people into zombie zones in and in the midst of the of the chaos, use them as a distraction to move forward. A couple of times I may have given someone a little nudge in the wrong direction so that I could stay alive. When no one is watching your back, and you are defenseless, you gotta do what you gotta do.

4. When strategy Is not an option, one must use brute force.

As I came to the last stretch of the run, there was one lone Zombie standing in my way. It was just me and him. It was too late to turn back and align with a group. I stopped running for a second as he was about 50 yards away. I took a moment to catch my breath and size him up. He was there to take any remaining lives the runners had. He was not going to take mine. My brain calculated different routes to run around him and moves to avoid his hands. The course was too narrow at that point. The was no way around him with sacrificing a life. The only option I had was to go straight through him. I put my head down, made eye contact and ran as hard as I could directly at him. In true character he stood his ground thinking there would be a last minute juke move but when I got close enough he could smell me, he dove out of the way. This time I was on the offensive and he wanted no part of it. Sometimes you just have to run head on into what you are facing, calculate the risks, and accept the consequences. For me, it was 3 flags still securely Velcroed to my belt. I survived.

Never really thought Zombies could be so insightful. But to me, that run represented how I handle things in life. Sometimes life is about survival and you do what you have to. When you are alone you find ways to make it through each obstacle. You find ways around people standing in your way, or you run them the fuck over. At the end of the day it is about making it through with all your flags in tact. You don't have to win the same way someone else wins...You just have to win.

9 Months, A Weight Off My Shoulders and My Ass

"If you want to live life on your own terms, you gotta be willing to crash and burn."-Motley Crue

I have spent the better part of my life trying to live the Rock N Roll lifestyle. I wanted to be different, unique, buck the stereotype and never be victim to trends or accept that I could be average. I got my tattoos, I was in a band, I dated pretty girls and I partied like I invented it. For the most part, people loved being a part of my shenanigans but no one ever liked suffering the consequences. Somehow I found a way to be indifferent to consequences and suppress all empathy for those involved and the people that I hurt. I was fun but I was an asshole. So much of an asshole that that is usually how people would describe me. Funny thing was that I was never alone. Maybe people enjoyed the ride or maybe people just loving watching a train wreck. I don't know.

9 months ago I woke up hungover, in pain, disgusted with myself and called into work...again. I lied to everyone that day because I was so ashamed of myself for not only drinking a case of beer alone but the fact that I couldn't handle it and had to call into work.

I laid on the couch with the TV off and just let the misery of the hangover really sink in. I made myself aware of every feeling physically, mentally, and emotionally. I really soaked it in.

Feeling the guilties crawling all over me like ants I took some stock of where I was in my life. I asked myself just how unique and different I felt. How "Rock N Roll" was I feeling at this moment? How badass was I right now?

I was useless. I took stock of alienated friends, disgusted acquaintances, and every time I acted like an animal at the expense of others. Fuck man. That was a hard mirror to look into.

I had become stereotype, a statistic, a loser, and a drunk. I was 270 pounds of pure bitterness and angst. I was incapable of excelling at anything, I could not follow through, and worst of all I couldn't allow myself to get close to anyone. The music video life had ended and now I was just a sad 31 year old trying to keep some youthful dream alive with booze and loud music. I was just fatter and angrier than I had been before.

So we all know the story from my previous post about getting sober. That day was my epiphany or moment of clarity or whatever you want to call it. I nursed the hang over and resolved to change the cycle. I got my ass up and went to a meeting. I baby stepped the process and didn't overwhelm myself with a lot of resolutions all at once. I just needed to keep from drinking. I ate what I wanted, I smoked, and just sat on my ass. Whatever it took or didn't take to stay sober. That was priority one.

One thing I learned from those meetings is that I really wasn't different or unique at all. Mostly, drunks and addicts are the same. Self centered people incapable of moving forward. It was eye opening. Now, it did give me some perspective though. I guess I am what you call a high bottom drunk because I didn't go through near the hell that others have. I don't have a criminal record, I didn't hurt anyone physically, and I didn't have much to begin with but I never lost everything to the point of camping on a park bench. Addiction has taken people some crazy places and I am grateful everyday that I never had to go there. God must have been looking out for me more than I knew. Him and all of my great friends that put up with my shit so long and didn't want to see me die.

Sobriety is funny in that the first few months are pure momentum. You make it known you are sober, you are excited at the thought of your new life and everyday is a victory. After those first few months, reality sets in. The boredom comes. Then the thought you are missing out things because you have to avoid temptation. People treat you differently. It just becomes real. You realize this isn't just a think you are doing that has some stop date and everything can go back to what you are used to. You are different now. Life is different. And just about the time you think things are getting easier, they actually become more challenging.

This is the point that I had to take another look at myself in that cold hard mirror.

When I stopped drinking things improved 1000 fold for me. Whether it be divine intervention or just opportunity meets preparation, things got better. I had a new job that I loved. A new truck. I had money in my pocket and I felt great. Everyday I woke up, and still do, and tell God, my higher power, the universe how eternally grateful I am to have what I have. But things still were not where they should be. Now I was just a recovering alcoholic hiding in my house and in meetings to avoid the real world. I was still stagnating and I had to move. My ambition was atrophied.

This treadmill had it's own consequences. I was still sad, lazy, and fat as fuck. It was time to take the next step. I had to get healthy. Mind, body, and soul. I started focusing on my diet and repairing the damage I had done over the previous 15 years of my life. I got on a meal plan, supplements, and a very moderate workout routine. The pounds started coming off. When I weighed in at 271 pounds the first day with my nutritionist, I was profoundly disappointed in myself. I had John Goodman jowls and giant gut. I could literally get tired while doing absolutely nothing. At a physical they told me I had the lungs of a 50 year old and my weight was going to become a big concern. Honestly when I started I figured this would not last. I had gotten on health kicks before and then made excuses for myself to abandon the practice fairly quickly. But being that I was less influenced by outside forces these days due to my self imposed isolation, I surprisingly stuck to it long enough to see results. The first picture I took on the scale was when I dropped below 260 pounds. I had lost 14 pounds. That was huge. I felt like a million bucks that day. The momentum started up again. I was feeling great.

The next step was to step up my fitness game. I was losing weight and feeling healthier but years of drinking and sitting on my ass had made me weaker and shaped like a fat pair. A gym membership was doing me no fucking good. I would go in there without a plan and workout until I was bored. I got bored quickly. I never gave a shit if anyone was judging because fuck everyone else, but the gym is boring. Especially when you don't know what the fuck you are doing. So I started walking and jogging...eh...mostly walking. This too was boring. That also brings up something I learned in AA. "Half measure availed us nothing." Baby steps are the way to go when trying to overcome addiction and when trying to change your life. But there are certain goals that compromising and not putting in some hard work will just lead you to frustration. I didn't want to be one of those people that say they are going to lose weight and the take a brisk 30 minute walk 3 times a week. That shit don't work. I am not a 60 year old with joint pain. I am capable of more. Maybe that was new found confidence but you can't make the decision to make a huge change and not put in huge work to achieve it.

Under the recommendation of my food coach, I joined a high intensity fitness boot camp. I signed up for the 5:30am class and the first day drove to the wrong camp and almost gave up. Fuck 5:30am. At that time of day it still feels like yesterday. My brain does not work at that hour. So I made it out to another class. We started working out. We did some warm up kicking and swinging arms, then some jumping jacks, some other things, ran a bit and so on. I was beat. Vomit almost happened. That's when the instructor, Brian, said "Ok, now we are warmed up, lets get into the workout." I almost left right then. Really, that was the warm up? Holy shit. I struggled through the rest of the class to finish the workout and hold back my puke. I sweat more than I had ever sweat. I felt defeated. I thought this can only get easier so I went to another class. Same thing. I hated it. I told myself that this wasn't for me. I don't like this kind of thing, blah blah blah. Talking myself out of it. I emailed the company and cancelled my membership so they wouldn't charge me again. As soon as they did that, Brian emailed me and said he really hated to see me go and that he thought I was doing great. He said I should at least finish the weeks I had paid for and see how felt. I did pay for that shit, so I kept going. A couple weeks later down 12 more pounds. Boom. Momentum. I was below 250 pounds now and that was like a fucking giant golden trophy to me.

3 months or more later I go everyday, sometimes 6 days a week. The funny thing is that it never gets easier, but it has gotten so much better.

Having someone give you instruction and plan is the key to the fitness. But the key to continuing is the encouragement, accountability, and friendships that you make with your fellow campers. Everyone of all fitness levels are there for the same thing. It gets to the point if you don't go, you miss it. It becomes a priority in your life. It keeps you on the right path because when you make a lot of progress, you don't want to take steps backward. Its too hard to get where you are.

Now I am down 42 pounds. I am 9 months sober. Still kicking ass at my new job and able to be back out in the real world without being afraid the ghosts of my past will haunt me. I am a new person....kind of. See the thing I realized through all this is that now I really am different, unique, and bucking the stereotype. I can put on some Rob Zombie and run a mile and feel like an actual badass anytime my time improves. I get fucking pumped when I kill a workout. I don't fit the mold of angsty band failure guy anymore. The most Rock N Roll thing I have ever done for myself was break that mold. I am not turning into the person I feared before. I just keep getting better. I am the badass I always thought I was before. I am a grateful, hardworking badass. hahaha

9 months sober is still a short time relatively to what I have ahead of me. But I know there are others out there struggling to break the cycle of self punishment that want to be better and happier. I also know that there are people that truly believed I could never do something like this, and hopefully they can see that I did and realize they can too. Maybe even easier and better than I have done it.

The other reason to post this is for all the people that have been there for me. Not just through this stuff. Not just the good stuff, but the bad stuff. The people that never gave up on me even when they should have. The people that carried to bed when I was too drunk to walk. The people that came and gave me rides when I would randomly get wasted with no money. The people that always said they knew I was great. My girlfriend for being so patient and loving me unconditionally and modifying her life to help me.

I also want to say thank you and I am sorry to the people that stayed around as long as they could, but due to self preservation had to make the break from my life. Sometimes I wish I could have done this sooner so you can see the man I have become and know that I could not have done without you. I am sorry that I pushed you away so hard when you tried to stay by me but thank you for carrying me when you did.

I am always here to talk or listen if anyone needs me. Change is possible and it feels great.

Thanks for reading.

6 Months...6 Songs

It really seems like it's only been a few weeks. I can't believe half a year has gone by since I decided to put down the booze and move on with my life. It certainly has not been easy, but it has been extremely rewarding.

Just like anything else in my life, there are certain songs I have latched onto during this process that have really spoken to me and given me strength when my willpower was at it's failure point. These songs really say it all about how I feel and what it's been like so far.

This is just the progress on the outside...

I have lost a ton of weight. I can sleep at night and more importantly, I can wake up in the morning. When I do wake up, the first thing I do before my feet even hit the floor is let God know how grateful I am. 

I can finally breathe. In more ways than one.

For the first time in 7 years I am 100% off any medication. No more anti-depressants or mood stabilizers. 

Things are good. 

Please enjoy the soundtrack to my sobriety and rebirth. Maybe these songs will speak to you too. I posted the version with the lyrics so you can really get where I am coming from. 

1. Blue October- Overweight

This song really goes out to my awesome girlfriend, friends, family, and God. Dealing with someone that is sick with addiction is hard. I have lost a lot of friendships because of it. Most people bail pretty quickly but there are people that have stood by me every step of the way. I am not at all strong enough to do this on my own. Everyday I am grateful I have these people and this song sums up exactly how I feel about them.

2.Survival- Eminem

When I decided to get sober and healthy, it wasn't because I was just tired, it was a matter of survival. My health was suffering, I was depressed, and wasn't sure how much longer I would make it. If I didn't end up in jail, I would have ended up dead. I thought about it a lot. I was going nowhere in terms of a career and became more introverted than ever. Whatever energy I had left, I mustered up, and did this for survival. 

3.Fear- Blue October

One of the hardest things for me was taking the first step and then the 2nd 3rd 4th and so on. I still struggle. One of the biggest struggles for me is fear. The addicted lifestyle was all I knew. Most of my relationships were based around drinking. I was terrified to let go. Somehow I felt safer in my self created hell. When I got the strength to reach up and ask God to help, it was one of scariest moments of my life. Fear is a motherfucker man. But I know now that I don't have to fall apart and people love me without playing the cartoon character I was before. This song made me cry the first time I heard it because it rang so true.

4. Shackled and Drawn - Bruce Springsteen

This song reminded me that I am still a man and I still have responsibilities. It tells me that as long as you are working it is hard to fuck up. Problems will always be here, but I have to man up, face them, deal with them, and keep moving forward. Alcohol made me feel like less of a man, but that is certainly not the case anymore.

5. Not Afraid - Eminem

Haha, you had to know this one was coming. This is a powerful song when it comes to recovery. When I started going to meetings, I learned that I am not the only person going through this shit. I am not alone in this fight. It also reminds me to be of service to people that need it and want it. Again, fear is one the biggest obstacles to overcome in all aspects of recovery. I can say now, that although I have a long road ahead of me, I am not afraid of what is around the next corner. I feel stronger than ever right now.

6. Indestructible- Disturbed

7 or 8 years ago, with booze in hand, I tried to end it all. I tried taking myself out because I couldn't take it anymore. I survived that but just kept medicated with beer for all the long long years to come. I was the darkest time of my life. I could not face the terror of my childhood, the problems I had right in front of me, or the challenges the future would hold. I didnt feel like I deserved any thing good in my life and I destroyed anything that I came across. Now, 6 months into this long journey, I look back and see that the booze, horrible enemies and even worse friends could not break me. Somewhere inside me was a strength keeping me going. Now I can walk with my head high and I know I am real motherfucker is someone tries to take my happiness away. My life has been a battle but so far...I am indestructible.

Thanks to all of you that love me and put up with my shit. 

Rock!

.........................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................Keep going.....................................There is more.......................................................

SECRET SONG! Remember those? haha...

This last song is there as a reminder that the only way I can move forward is to keep a crisp picture of the past. Sometimes I have to feel the pain, and taste the horrible taste of my past. It keeps me motivated. If you can't remember how hot the fire is, you are destined to burn yourself again. I will remember before I forget.

Slipknot- Before I Forget

An Open Letter to the Criminals of Austin Texas

Dear Criminals,

This morning, I went to my truck to go to work. I immediately noticed I had been ransacked. My wallet was gone with a few other items. Not cool man. Not cool. I spent my morning with the police, the bank, and at the DMV. By noon I had this cleared up as best I can.

You charged several hundred dollars worth of gas and food by 9am. I guess you crack heads get an early start.

Well let me tell you a little about myself. Austin is my home now, since about 2008. I love it here. It is a wonderful town and the pros far out-weigh the cons. Pricks like you make it a little challenging at times. But I spend most of my time working to take care of myself and pay my bills and to give myself a good quality of life. I like spending time with my friends out on Townlake, at the Greenbelt, and I even do quite a bit of volunteering helping those that are less fortunate. I am a pretty decent fella. I am the average guy just trying to get by and leave the world a little better place than I found it.

But see, I am not from here. I am from a place that is much different and where I am from, we aren't as passive, forgiving, sympathetic, or tolerant of your kind. Where I come from, the people that work for a living don't have a lot of patience with the scum that don't want to. I brought these ideals with me to Austin. I know for the most part you are used to people giving you multiple chances and you can run free like little animals.

I just want you to know that I will use every legal resource and strategy to find you. I will press charges and push for you to be punished to the fullest extent of the law. I will not stop pressing the police to find you and I will lend a hand every way I can. I sincerely hope they find you.

I am no vigilante and I don't go around in search of crime to thwart. I mind my own business. I live my life. Like I said, I am all about fun and volunteering, giving back to the community. However, when you cross the line into my domain, all bets are off. Once this happens, you have crossed that cowardly barrier and you belong to me. I know you sneak around like a rodent, but you will get caught. If it is me that catches you, I hope you said your prayers that morning. I hope you kissed your children and told them you loved them. Because that will be the last bit of soft love you feel for a long time. Once you have given me the chance, on my own ground, I will destroy you. No matter your age, race, or the pettiness of your crime...my hammer will fall on you hard and just. I will do things to you that will give your children nightmares for the rest of their lives. You will leave my hands a broken disfigured mess. Everyday for the rest of your life when you look in the mirror, you will be devastated by the merciless scars that will face you back in the mirror. You will wonder why someone would do that to you over such a small infraction. Pain will be your constant companion. I will cripple every part of you including your image and state of mind.

Look to Jesus for forgiveness. You can come visit me for terrific pain.

You see, I think a person that will steal from a man that works for a living isn't even human. You are the lowest of the vermin. My humanity towards you stops when you take from someones livelihood and the things they have honestly worked for. No sympathy. No mercy. Not from me bud.

I just want you to know there are heavy handed people here in Austin and you get caught by one of them and your life will never be the same. You will wish for the vacation of jail time.

This is your fair warning from the average Joe. Take heed or suffer.

Regards,

A Zero Tolerance Citizen

10 Rules to The Hall Pass

Disclaimer: This blog entry is just for fun. The idea was spawned by recent articles I read while bored at work about fidelity and willpower. It in no reflects my intentions or anything negative about the current relationship I am in. It's just for fun. 

I typically look at most relationships with a pretty cynical eye. I see most of them as to unequally yolked people doing their best to make it work because they don't want to be lonely. Let's face it, most people will suffer great pains to avoid being alone. In our society we simply aren't cut out to be without someone else stealing the covers at night or saying they are hungry but declining all your ideas for dinner. Hollywood has taught us that there is magic in meeting someone and the love you feel in the first 6 months of a relationship is the same love you will feel for years to come. In the back of our minds we know this isn't true but we intrepidly move forward anyway. 

It is hard when most of the time people want to talk about the pains they are going through in the relationship but it's just disgusting when they talk about how good it is. Which brings me to a side note...If you relationship is really great, you probably wouldn't be posting on facebook about how great it is all the time. Constant Facebook posts of heartfelt hallmark expressions of love and kissing pictures are a true sign that something is amiss and we all know it. Just food for thought.

Since we know most people are settling to avoid certain solitude, we can also assume that when the new car smell wears off, people start doing some window shopping. Maybe some flirting with an ex sweetheart, co-worker, or just an overall scoundrel like flirting with everyone. Men are more prone to this feeling than women but women are far from being off the hook. Men try to do it on the sly and women have their "friendzone" safety guys to validate that they still "Have it". 

Most people have the self control and fight the urge and remain faithful to the bitter end. Whether or not that bitter end is until death do them part or a melodramatic break up with play by plays on social media for all to see. Some give in to the temptation as I did in previous relationships. Some people just need to take it a step too far and instead of handling things like they should...they cheat. There are many different kinds of cheating and we can get into those another day. 

But this is a modern society and we innovate. Far gone are the days of Mad Men where you can have your mistress in the city and your lovely wife at home in the burbs. Now it's all or nothing. Resist your primal urges, do not speak of them, repress these ideas OR cheat and fuck everything up. However some forward thinking folks have looked at the idea of a HALL PASS. The idea of letting ones partner cheat with immunity under a set of guidelines. This interests me. 

See we are not built in America to really let shit slide like that. There are swinger couples and open relationships and things like that, sure. Most of the time these are not super well adjusted people or attractive at all. The reality is that the average American my like the novelty of this idea but it would absolutely kill them to think that just for one night they do not own the genitalia of their partner. Whether their partner loves them dearly, would die for them, and will always be by their side, the thought of the physical act of sex with another human being is the ultimate betrayal. This is weird because in my mind, indifference or abuse would be way worse but that is not what the TV says so we have to put infidelity first. Does the idea that your partner is aware of the fling and there are rules put around change things? I mean, can someone truly overlook that? Lets assume for argument sake that someone can. What rules would there have to be to make this work? I have thought long and hard on these rules and have listed them below. Please enjoy.

Hall Pass Rules:

1. This is obvious and has to be rule #1. Use protection. I know we all prefer to go without it but that kind of humping has to be reserved for your significant other. You have worked hard to build the trust that the other person is disease free and not trying to get pregnant. Plus there has to be a barrier in the intimacy that only exists with you and your partner. Also..don't be gross.

2. The hall pass can not be used as a way to conquer an old crush. Really it can't be anyone you know or interact with on a regular basis. No old crushes, no coworkers, no friends. This will only breed resentment and weirdness. Trust me, I have been there. It's as awkward as farting at a funeral afterward. Also, conjuring up old feelings for a crush defeats the purpose of just being primal and getting some strange. Let it go. You have to find someone new. This will let you know you still have your abilities as a hunter and give you some release.

3.What's good for the goose is good for the gander. You know why guys are considered studs when they bang a lot of women but women are considered sluts if they do it? Because guys made the rules. Gentleman we are kings of the double standard. This does not apply here. If either partner is going to ask for this privilege, be ready to reciprocate. If you can't do that, then take what you are feeling and apply that to what your partner must be feeling at the same time.

4. A Hall Pass, like in middle school, cannot be abused. It is for rare occasion. My suggestion is maybe once a year, not around birthdays or holidays. You can agree on the time frame and date and then plan around it.

5. Location is everything. Don't shit where you eat. Just like not fucking someone you know or that is close to your circle of influence, it is best to take this shit out of town. Take a day trip if possible to another city do you hunting somewhere else. Do you have business trip or something coming up? If you don't go out of town, at least go far across the city. This is a one time thing that you don't want haunting you. Also, you aren't going to want to leave temptation facing an open door for round 2. Last, if this does blow up in your face, which it probably will, you don't want your partner having access to that poor soul caught up in your weird relationship shenanigans. 

6. One shot, one kill. After the agreed upon date, you have one chance to get this done. There are no redo's or second chances. Go out, get it done, get it over with. You have 24 hours. 

7. You must improvise. You cannot plan, strategize, or work on this any other time than the one day set aside for the Hall Pass. You can't go around flirting and courting up possible prospects all the time. This includes hook up websites. You have to live everyday but that day as a faithful partner, true to your love. When you go outside of that date, that is just cheating. This is a one night stand. You have to go out and use your skills and suave to get it done in one day. I am not sure what the policy on hookers is. So just like hunting, you can't cage your deer so that you can shoot it later. If you go out and blow it, too bad. You have no game and are lucky that you have someone at home that is willing to bang you occasionally. If you are not able to hook up with someone as hot or hotter than your partner, then you should be thankful that you have someone that is better looking than what you could get now. This part will probably be pretty humbling. If you don't care...Happy Hog Hunting!

8. You made your bed, lie in it. This rule is one that I am certain will not be followed. Once the deed is done, it cannot be talked about. This means that if you allow you partner to go out and do their thing, you don't get to ask questions after it is over. This also means you do not get to bring it up in later fights or arguments. You allowed it. Live with it. On the flipside, if your partner was so gracious/stupid to have let you do this, you cannot use it later for the upper hand in an argument or as ammo to hurt that person. This really just gets into not having a very good relationship in the first place.

9. Leave it alone. Once you have gone out and hooked up and done the one night pants carnival, you don't get to stay in contact with that person. There will be no friending on the Facespace or keeping of phone numbers. Remember that open door to temptation I talked about? That fucker will come back and hit you in the ass if you aren't careful. What's done is done. That's that. 

10. Respect. Respect that someone loves you enough to let you go out and get a little primal validation. Don't look at this as you window to a world of new opportunity. Chances are you will not find someone this cool if you leave. Look at what you have and use it to love your partner anymore and remember to give a little more effort next time you visit Poundtown together.

These are my rules the way that I see them. I obviously do not recommend seriously approaching this idea. In a previous relationship I did and it did not turn out well for anyone. We all have needs, urges, and freaky deakys need love too, but we have to face the fact that in our society, we are prudes and something like this is hard to pull off, let alone live with. If it does work out for you, let me know. Who knows? Maybe lightening the fuck up will help save some relationships.

What do Amway and the Ancient Egyptians Have in Common? They Both Built Pyramids.

Something happens when you are approaching the cliff that is your 30^th birthday. You suddenly realize you might not get to be a rock star or the president. Your 20’s are spent questioning every decision you should make for your future and your 30’s are spent questioning every decision you made in your 20’s. My 20’s were full of great ideas that I forgot after 48 hour binge drinking marathons. Now that’s over I can focus…a little…

Clarity is not a luxury I have had for a longtime so luckily there some cool people along the way to give me some advice and motivation. One thing I know I can do is run my mouth and take part in lively conversation, and debate. Realizing with most of these debates that the tables seem to tilt my way by the end, I was drawn into sales. Sometimes I hate it and never want to talk to another person again in my life, and sometimes I love it. That’s sales for ya.

I sell a product right now that I love, believe in, and think is the future of the planet. I love to talk about it to people that want to listen and I like getting my customers set up. It feels good to get paid to do something you enjoy. It is rewarding to do something you believe in. It also helps that I can work from home sometimes and not have to get dressed until 10am or when I start feeling guilty for being lazy.

For now I am in a good spot. But, back to the turning 30 thing…

We all hit that point where we realize the pics posted by former crushes go from cleavage clad sexy poses to driver seat selfies hiding gained weight, pictures of food, and the worst….10,000 pictures of kids. Priorities shift, people start having “favorite shows” on weeknights, and generally begin to suck. As if this isn’t already disappointing enough, the next wave of disappointment comes in a salesy business tone that you have never heard spoken from that person. Yup, I am talking about the Multilevel Marketing, Networking Marketing, whatever you wanna call it Marketing pitches. Things didn’t pan out at college, you don’t like what your degree is in, your trade school degree isn’t helping like the commercial said it would, or you just didn’t get an education…I don’t know. But now you have found the most American of American ways to make money…I mean, it only makes sense! You are the only thing holding you back! You just need the desire and drive and you are chocked full of that man! 

I mean, don’t get me wrong, I have reached out to a couple “advocates” or representatives participating in some of the programs. I have asked about product for a couple of things. Most times I couldn’t get through asking for something to give me some pep in the mornings before they would launch full on into a pitch about how I was perfect for selling this product and I should join their cult. As a sales professional, I have to give you some feedback, wait for me to finish talking before shoving your pitch down my throat. You don’t know my situation and you may be wasting your time or more importantly wasting mine. If you think about it, it is a pretty narcissistic way to live assuming everyone has 15 minutes to listen to you drone on about financial freedom and early retirement, whenever you decide to talk about it. Ease off the green tea extract buddy! Calm down.

Anyway, I get why you start listening to these pitches and why you invest your $500 to be the owner of your new home based business. I understand that the pictures on the brochures are exciting and that you may get a little boner or lady boner, whenever you are in one of those hotel ballroom conferences. It’s exciting stuff. I know because I was there.

When I was younger, I was madly in love with a beautiful girl and I wanted to marry her. At the time I believed she was probably the best I was going to do and needed to go ahead and lock this one down. Rookie mistake. So when her father asked what I was going to do to take care of his little girl, I said I was going to do what he did…Network Marketing. If this idiot asshole could do it, I certainly could too. Immediately his concern with our young age and my lack of a stable history in anything but playing in a band went out the window and he launched full throttle into getting me up to speed on how I would be retired by the time I was 30. He gave me the full run down on how things worked, there were conference calls, motel spectacles, and lots of books written by paid “third-parties” like Robert Kyosaki. That’s right, I had the Rich Dad / Poor Dad boxset and I was on my to making millions of dollars if I just believed! Then came Napoleon Hill, The Secret, Dale Carnegie, Stephen Covey, and the list goes on and on and on. Whatever, he was off my back and all I had to get people to do was buy some vitamins or want to sell some vitamins. I mean I got pretty easily sold, how hard could it be? I was a something something home based business diamond triad douchey mcsales guy for USANA!

Now in retrospect as a real sales professional, I see the error of my ways. First, while sales does not require any formal training, it should. Sales is a profession like anything else and not everyone can do it. I can’t believe my way into being an MMA fighter or playing the NBA. I know there are the hopeless that believe you can will your way into anything but you’re wrong so don’t start. Sales is one of those things. You may have some natural ability, but you have to hone the craft, have some coaching, and work really hard to get comfortable, let alone be any good at it. Then on the flip side, there are people that are just not sales people and it is painfully uncomfortable to listen to them try and sell. We are all given certain abilities and to say that everyone is born with the ability to sell is probably coming from someone trying to sell you something. Bottom line, I wasn’t going to take my 500 pound ogre of a brother that drives a truck and owns a trailer park in East Texas and change him into top notch sales professional. There is not enough time or magic in Neverland for that to ever happen.

That is the other thing that comes with these programs. You have just signed on to harass, alienate, and possibly rip off your circle of influence. Remember when you were in elementary school and they sent you home with magazines or candy and you had to sell about 10,000 bars of chocolate so you could win the TV, so you went to all your family members and friends and so on…this is the same business model. The only difference is that you are now 30 and the shit ain’t cute anymore. Also, the kids that always won in those programs were kids that probably already had their own TV because their family was well off, so they would by the 10k in chocolate bars and magazines between like 3 family members. My family on the other hand was too poor to do that so they went back to the hard work philosophy and said I should knock on doors. The bitch of that was that we lived in the country and had like 3 neighbors that always seemed to have dogs that bite.  The same principal happens here. You may sell a little to your ne’er do well relatives, but your more accomplished relatives are more likely to enable this and buy in…as a courtesy because they still think you are cute.

Next, you find your down and out friends that have buckets of problems, can’t hold jobs, drink too much, and are not even healthy, and try to get them to sell your HEALTH supplements too. Well the thought of not having a boss has already hooked your maverick friend, and he likes that sweet magnet you put on your car about that says “Fire Your Boss Today!” He would do that, but he was just fired yesterday for urinating in the Coke machine. You stroke the ego, have them fish whatever your initial investment charge is from the piggy banks and empty Crown Royal bottles and they are off! Now you are seeing small commissions coming in and your color code or rare gem status is rising in the ranks of this company! At the next motel conference room banana pants conference you will get a new pin and lots of pats on the back!

This is sales. That is true. But without integrity.

Here is why…

You are selling people a product that has a 90% fail rate. I don’t care how many ass holes you have watched jump around a stage with one of those Britney Spears microphones attached to his head saying that he went from riding the bus to a Ferrari in 2 years. The bottom line is that real stats show that over all, in your industry, more that 90% of people fail.  If I walked into Best Buy for a new TV and they told me about a TV that would fulfill my wildest dreams but there was a 90% chance it wouldn’t work, I’d probably go with the good ole LG or Sony. If you can’t honestly and upfront look at someone and tell them there is a huge chance that the money they are investing is going to be wasted, you are not being honest. Anyway you swing it, it’s lying. You place all of the responsibility on that person to put in the work but you don’t create an accurate picture of reality or what that work is. You can say that you care because their success is your success, but when you are lying to multiple people, the buffer room is built in for some people to fall off.

You cannot take someone with no formal training or inclination and make them a millionaire over night or even in 2 years in the field of sales. It is insulting to even say that to those of us that actually make our living that way. If you want to become a millionaire overnight, get your teenage daughter pregnant, get on tv and act like an asshole. This is America and that is the formula.

There are many many things people have to work through before becoming sales people and you don’t let people know that…you are misleading them. I have been rejected from sales jobs before because I wasn't a strong enough sales person to join that organization. A popular saying around your industry is that “If it was easy, everyone would be doing it.” Well then why the fuck are you telling everyone they can do it?

What you do isn’t real sales, it’s manipulation. BUT in your defense people are responsible for their own decisions and if they invest their money and lose it, hopefully they learn a lesson.

I have seen my share of strangers give moving speeches with scripted rhetoric and nonsense with the silly headset microphone. I have heard their stories and even read other peoples stories online. It was amazing because after all, everything you read online is true and a businesses wouldn't cook shit up just to make sales. I mean... come on...

I have been harassed, lectured, pep talked, and disowned by people in network marketing programs. I have been told I would be great and just needed to work harder and believe in myself, and I needed to want better things for myself and so on. Most of it is pretty insulting, but I consider the source of a desperate friend that got sucked into it and I let it go. Usually this happens within their first 6 months of involvement in said program. After that, I don’t really hear about it anymore…weird right? Maybe they had given up on me and moved on to more qualified "down-lines" and started making that residual magic money we hear so much about! Nope…usually those same people, when asked months later, either have nothing to say or talk around it. I have never seen someone I personally know make any real money doing it. If they say they did, they cannot prove it. And trust me, I ALWAYS ask. It’s my last word to a conversation that may have been had months ago where they left feeling like they owned me.

Now we are back at the success rate of your model that you will righteously sell without having even known the actual success rate for yourself. See when I sell my product, I have to discuss failure rates, real justified rates of return, and show actual numbers as proof to all of it. At the end of the day, I feel good knowing that I was up front and the person knew exactly what they were getting.

I know, I have beating you up pretty hard on the recruiting aspect of what you do and haven’t even mentioned the phenomenal, revolutionary, pioneering, lifesaving, money saving, incredible, products that you all sell. Well that’s because for the most part neither do you! The minute I ask about some supplements or whatever, you may give me a web link to follow but then you jump right into your recruiting pitch. So again, go back to your sales training and learn about process. Here are some examples of what I go through…

Me- “Man, I have the hardest time waking up in the morings.”

Salesperson- “You should try our all natural acai berry battery acid flavored penis oil powder.”

Me- “Oh that sounds interesting. What is it?

Salesperson- “Here is a link. You can order it from me or online with my code. You know you can get it cheaper if you sign on as an independent distributor. Do you have a minute to talk about an exciting opportunity that everyone is talking about?”

Or…

Me- “Man, losing weight is hard. I love cheeseburgers and pizza and eat like 6 year old.

SP-“ You should try our Mega Protein Breast Milk Extreme! Meal replacement powder and power bars.”

Me- No thanks, I like food as opposed to powder.

Sp- “ You don’t know what you are missing man. I know a guy that lost 100 pounds last week just doing a simple 20 day challenge and it changed it his life. It costs $400 but how much does being fat cost you in the long run?”

Me- “Well maybe…

SP-“ If I get you signed up as a Class 3 super diamond independent super distributor, in 6 months, you’ll get all this free and be making more money than you ever have. Do you have minute to talk….

Me- Runs away and jumps from window….

Most of the time the products are pretty good. I will give you that. Usana had supplements so good they would make you sick. Advocare, Herbalife, and so on, all have some decent stuff. I take supplements and if I could find a salesperson that wouldn't try to recruit me, I’d probably buy some stuff from them monthly. But maybe not either. Most of the time because it is a direct sale, it is extremely overpriced and again, there is no actual measurable proof to justify the extra expense incurred in buying your product over a less expensive brand that is easier to access. Showing me a study that your company paid for is not proof. That is marketing material. Know your shit.

Finally, for those of you that are pursuing one of these programs now, I really do wish the best of luck and I hope you can throw this back in my face along with your million dollar payday and tell me it works. If that happens, I’ll be the first to eat crow and publicly admit it. And the honest truth is that I don't wish failure on anyone. I still wouldn't sign up because I don’t have what it takes to be the kind of person you have to be to sell that stuff. For those of you thinking about joining, I urge you to reevaluate your life and find out if this is a desperate grab at a life raft. Also, do your research on this industry and the companies. Make sure what you are reading was not written or funded by the company and try to be objective. If you want to do it but aren't sure about sales, go get a part time job at a cold-call call center. They offer great training and it will let you know whether or not you have the chops for sales. If you can sell at one of those places for a short period of time, you will probably do OK. For those of you currently that have swallowed the pill, pun intended, please give me your best rebuttal to what I am saying and post it publicly. I would love to have this debate with you for people to see. Or avoid the debate and show proof of your success. Again, I said 90% failure and that does mean that there are  people out there doing great with this. Good for them. Keep on keeping on!

I am not trying to crush dreams or to be as you kids like to call it, a "hater". I am simply replying to the many many many advances from you that I have gotten. I feel it's fair that if you all are going to solicit me that I can reply back. At least I am doing on single forum and not invading your personal space.

To my friends that are involved. I love you just like I always have, I just don't want to talk about this. I want to talk about what we talked about when we became friends. Love you.