Resolution Revolution

January 2nd, post hangover, there is almost a Black Friday wave of fatties entering the gym. Every treadmill is taken, all the stairmasters are straining, and your next workout machine is taken by a guy that is sitting on it backward and is likely to break his arm instead of reading the instructions.

There are two hefty women walking swiftly and with the form of Rock Em' Sock 'Em Robots at the trail you run every day. Every 20 yards you have to run around these Big Bettys.

The fresh food isle is full of meandering couch potato zombies, staring at apples like a 12 year old boy at a boob. Confused and hungry.

You know most of these people are just going to fall off the wagon in a couple of weeks so why do they even bother? Right?

Well Fuck you!

I say go on with your bad self Rock Em Sock Em Bettys, and dude that is fucking the work out machine, and alien apple people! You are doing exactly what you are supposed to do! You are awkwardly feeling your way through the dark to the light! You have taken that first step, the hardest and scariest one. You got this. Just keep going. You are doing great already.

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I was that guy. I had to suffer the judgmental looks from Golds Gym Tank top wearing ass hats just like you. I had to fumble through weeks of bootcamp before I didn't feel like vomiting after the warm up. I had to walk around the grocery store like a fucking idiot for months before I understood what I really needed to buy, how much, and what kind. And guess what? I am still overweight. I am still learning. I am still awkwardly stumbling around like a Pop-Tard. BUT! Last year I lost 50 pounds and 9 inches off my waist. I went from 10 minute mile and having to stop to running an average of an 8.5 minute mile, with my best time at 7:30! I went from sweating on my couch in the summer to running the Zombie Run and getting a Survivor Medal at the end. Then following it up with another 5k a couple of months later. For some people these are barely a blips on their fitness radar, but for me they are huge fucking milestones. I went from being hungover and ordering pizza to getting up on Saturday morning for a workout and a smoothie. And it all started with that first step. It feels like the first day of high school and you accidentally walk into the wrong room...for 3 weeks. And it never really gets easier, but it gets better. So much fucking better. Keep on trucking Big Bear! You got this shit.


Not listen to this...



It took for me to feel what you are feeling right now. Disgust, depression, low self esteem, and self worth. I was miserable. I wanted the change and I knew WHY I wanted the change. I wanted to wake up every day and feel good. I wanted to fit into some old band shirts I hadn't been able to wear in years. I wanted to stop counting how many X's the shirt had on it before I bought it. And hell yeah, I wanted the compliments! That shit feels good man. I love watching my progress. I love watching the scale drop lower and lower every week. I love watching the loop on the tape measure get smaller and smaller around my waist. I love when those people that made of me or doubted me ask me questions about diet and fitness. I love eating my salad and low carb meals so that when I do get to have that burger, it's fucking magical in mouth.

So here is a little unsolicited advice for you new to a healthier lifestyle. First, just keep doing what you're doing. Every time you do something that is in more of positive direction than you usually do, or did last time is a success. Please try to see it that way. Opting for a chicken sandwhich over the double burger is a success. Doesn't matter that you didn't order the Quinoa with a side arrogance. You moved forward. Keep going. You will gain momentum and you will be unstoppable.

Second you don't have to listen to people. Fuck people. Fuck the internet. Fuck magazines. Fuck your friends. While people mean well in there advice, they can make it harder for you. Everyone has an opinion and an answer to everything and that shit is overwhelming and confusing.  When I started walking, thats right, walking, like a little old lady on Sunday stroll. Although I was listening to metal...anyway...When I started walking people had fucking opinions on how should walk. The funny thing was, I wasn't walking because it is a miracle workout, I was walking to start building the habit of getting up and doing something active. It was an intentional baby step. Walking snowballed into jogging a little and that snowballed into joining a bootcamp. Walking, slow as shit, gained momentum and it hasn't stopped. Then people had opinions on high intensity interval training that you get a bootcamp and told me I should take up running and lifting. Then people told me that running would kill me faster and lifting wouldn't help me lose weight. Then when I wanted a new challenge and started CrossFit and martial arts, people had to take their jabs there for making that move and sending me articles of all the ways people have gotten hurt during a WOD at CrossFit. They didn't ask me what my experience was like, they just assumed some cocksucker on the web had all the answers and I was fucking up. Do what you are comfortable with as little as you need it to be as long as it is a little more than you used to do. If you need to start by walking, then jogging for 20 feet, and then walking home, then do that. Tell everyone else to shut up. When it comes time, you will ask them what you need to ask them. And don't trust the internet. You can literally find articles about how oranges are bad for you. The conflicting information is meant to keep people reading but rarely offers any kind of substance. If you are just starting this journey, then choosing a salad at home over making a run for the border is a big enough decision. Don't worry about looking at the chemical make of the water you are drinking. You will get there. Start with that shit too early and you are doomed. People will make a big deal out of everything you do. The internet will confuse you. Just block them out. If someone is fat, doesn't workout, and snorts french fries, don't listen to them. If someone is fit as fuck with a six pack and they run a 3 minute mile, but they are confusing you, ignore them. People that have always been in shape rarely understand the battle you are going through and think they can overwhelm you. Again, you can always come back to them and ask questions when you are ready. For now, just get that iced tea instead of that Dr. Pepper.

Third, figure out why you are doing this. Have an honest conversation with yourself and figure out what you want and why you want it. Then ask yourself what your plan is going to be. It doesn't have to be perfect. Just something. If you decide to jump on a fad diet wagon, ask yourself what you want out of it. Then how long will it take to accomplish that. Small steps towards doing something you can sustain forever is 10 times better than a giant leap at something that could backfire. Shortcuts are dangerous territory. If you keep making those small steps and small decisions, it will take awhile, but it will last and you won't have to suffer disappointment and frustration.

Forth, don't beat yourself up. Shit happens. You are going to breakdown and have a burger or ice cream or both or both at the same time! You are human and American and life has to be lived. One hiccup isn't the end. It just teaches you a lesson and is an opportunity for you to pay attention to how it feels and what triggered it, and how you can avoid it in the future. In my time working out over the past year I probably should have lost way more. I should be closer to my goal. But a healthy lifestyle is not linear. It is rocky like Colorado friend! If I lost 50 pounds, during that time I gained back 5 or 6 pounds here and there. Then I would have to lose it all over again and then some more. But it wasn't a step back. I was learning when that happened. I was also still building strength, endurance, and speed. Suffer the wipeouts, get back up, analyze it a bit, then move on.

Fifth, take lots of pictures! Before pictures, after pictures, progress pictures, action shots, money shots...er...nope not that one...but you get it. It's fun and motivating and a great way for you to keep track of results.


You have started something awesome because deep down you know you deserve better and you do. You will hate training but you will love putting on smaller clothes and high fives and looks from passers by. Although some of those for me were out of concern the first few times I ran a mile. It sounded like I was snoring while running. Not pretty. But it got better and I've caught some ladies checking me out. Keep going. You got this. Just a little further and little better everyday.

Happy New Year.



PS. Keep checking back and I will post my resolutions within a few days.

Also, share this! Share this for people that may need the push and share this for the people that need to shut the fuck up. I will be happy to talk to them for you. :)

What do Amway and the Ancient Egyptians Have in Common? They Both Built Pyramids.

Something happens when you are approaching the cliff that is your 30^th birthday. You suddenly realize you might not get to be a rock star or the president. Your 20’s are spent questioning every decision you should make for your future and your 30’s are spent questioning every decision you made in your 20’s. My 20’s were full of great ideas that I forgot after 48 hour binge drinking marathons. Now that’s over I can focus…a little…

Clarity is not a luxury I have had for a longtime so luckily there some cool people along the way to give me some advice and motivation. One thing I know I can do is run my mouth and take part in lively conversation, and debate. Realizing with most of these debates that the tables seem to tilt my way by the end, I was drawn into sales. Sometimes I hate it and never want to talk to another person again in my life, and sometimes I love it. That’s sales for ya.

I sell a product right now that I love, believe in, and think is the future of the planet. I love to talk about it to people that want to listen and I like getting my customers set up. It feels good to get paid to do something you enjoy. It is rewarding to do something you believe in. It also helps that I can work from home sometimes and not have to get dressed until 10am or when I start feeling guilty for being lazy.

For now I am in a good spot. But, back to the turning 30 thing…

We all hit that point where we realize the pics posted by former crushes go from cleavage clad sexy poses to driver seat selfies hiding gained weight, pictures of food, and the worst….10,000 pictures of kids. Priorities shift, people start having “favorite shows” on weeknights, and generally begin to suck. As if this isn’t already disappointing enough, the next wave of disappointment comes in a salesy business tone that you have never heard spoken from that person. Yup, I am talking about the Multilevel Marketing, Networking Marketing, whatever you wanna call it Marketing pitches. Things didn’t pan out at college, you don’t like what your degree is in, your trade school degree isn’t helping like the commercial said it would, or you just didn’t get an education…I don’t know. But now you have found the most American of American ways to make money…I mean, it only makes sense! You are the only thing holding you back! You just need the desire and drive and you are chocked full of that man! 

I mean, don’t get me wrong, I have reached out to a couple “advocates” or representatives participating in some of the programs. I have asked about product for a couple of things. Most times I couldn’t get through asking for something to give me some pep in the mornings before they would launch full on into a pitch about how I was perfect for selling this product and I should join their cult. As a sales professional, I have to give you some feedback, wait for me to finish talking before shoving your pitch down my throat. You don’t know my situation and you may be wasting your time or more importantly wasting mine. If you think about it, it is a pretty narcissistic way to live assuming everyone has 15 minutes to listen to you drone on about financial freedom and early retirement, whenever you decide to talk about it. Ease off the green tea extract buddy! Calm down.

Anyway, I get why you start listening to these pitches and why you invest your $500 to be the owner of your new home based business. I understand that the pictures on the brochures are exciting and that you may get a little boner or lady boner, whenever you are in one of those hotel ballroom conferences. It’s exciting stuff. I know because I was there.

When I was younger, I was madly in love with a beautiful girl and I wanted to marry her. At the time I believed she was probably the best I was going to do and needed to go ahead and lock this one down. Rookie mistake. So when her father asked what I was going to do to take care of his little girl, I said I was going to do what he did…Network Marketing. If this idiot asshole could do it, I certainly could too. Immediately his concern with our young age and my lack of a stable history in anything but playing in a band went out the window and he launched full throttle into getting me up to speed on how I would be retired by the time I was 30. He gave me the full run down on how things worked, there were conference calls, motel spectacles, and lots of books written by paid “third-parties” like Robert Kyosaki. That’s right, I had the Rich Dad / Poor Dad boxset and I was on my to making millions of dollars if I just believed! Then came Napoleon Hill, The Secret, Dale Carnegie, Stephen Covey, and the list goes on and on and on. Whatever, he was off my back and all I had to get people to do was buy some vitamins or want to sell some vitamins. I mean I got pretty easily sold, how hard could it be? I was a something something home based business diamond triad douchey mcsales guy for USANA!

Now in retrospect as a real sales professional, I see the error of my ways. First, while sales does not require any formal training, it should. Sales is a profession like anything else and not everyone can do it. I can’t believe my way into being an MMA fighter or playing the NBA. I know there are the hopeless that believe you can will your way into anything but you’re wrong so don’t start. Sales is one of those things. You may have some natural ability, but you have to hone the craft, have some coaching, and work really hard to get comfortable, let alone be any good at it. Then on the flip side, there are people that are just not sales people and it is painfully uncomfortable to listen to them try and sell. We are all given certain abilities and to say that everyone is born with the ability to sell is probably coming from someone trying to sell you something. Bottom line, I wasn’t going to take my 500 pound ogre of a brother that drives a truck and owns a trailer park in East Texas and change him into top notch sales professional. There is not enough time or magic in Neverland for that to ever happen.

That is the other thing that comes with these programs. You have just signed on to harass, alienate, and possibly rip off your circle of influence. Remember when you were in elementary school and they sent you home with magazines or candy and you had to sell about 10,000 bars of chocolate so you could win the TV, so you went to all your family members and friends and so on…this is the same business model. The only difference is that you are now 30 and the shit ain’t cute anymore. Also, the kids that always won in those programs were kids that probably already had their own TV because their family was well off, so they would by the 10k in chocolate bars and magazines between like 3 family members. My family on the other hand was too poor to do that so they went back to the hard work philosophy and said I should knock on doors. The bitch of that was that we lived in the country and had like 3 neighbors that always seemed to have dogs that bite.  The same principal happens here. You may sell a little to your ne’er do well relatives, but your more accomplished relatives are more likely to enable this and buy in…as a courtesy because they still think you are cute.

Next, you find your down and out friends that have buckets of problems, can’t hold jobs, drink too much, and are not even healthy, and try to get them to sell your HEALTH supplements too. Well the thought of not having a boss has already hooked your maverick friend, and he likes that sweet magnet you put on your car about that says “Fire Your Boss Today!” He would do that, but he was just fired yesterday for urinating in the Coke machine. You stroke the ego, have them fish whatever your initial investment charge is from the piggy banks and empty Crown Royal bottles and they are off! Now you are seeing small commissions coming in and your color code or rare gem status is rising in the ranks of this company! At the next motel conference room banana pants conference you will get a new pin and lots of pats on the back!

This is sales. That is true. But without integrity.

Here is why…

You are selling people a product that has a 90% fail rate. I don’t care how many ass holes you have watched jump around a stage with one of those Britney Spears microphones attached to his head saying that he went from riding the bus to a Ferrari in 2 years. The bottom line is that real stats show that over all, in your industry, more that 90% of people fail.  If I walked into Best Buy for a new TV and they told me about a TV that would fulfill my wildest dreams but there was a 90% chance it wouldn’t work, I’d probably go with the good ole LG or Sony. If you can’t honestly and upfront look at someone and tell them there is a huge chance that the money they are investing is going to be wasted, you are not being honest. Anyway you swing it, it’s lying. You place all of the responsibility on that person to put in the work but you don’t create an accurate picture of reality or what that work is. You can say that you care because their success is your success, but when you are lying to multiple people, the buffer room is built in for some people to fall off.

You cannot take someone with no formal training or inclination and make them a millionaire over night or even in 2 years in the field of sales. It is insulting to even say that to those of us that actually make our living that way. If you want to become a millionaire overnight, get your teenage daughter pregnant, get on tv and act like an asshole. This is America and that is the formula.

There are many many things people have to work through before becoming sales people and you don’t let people know that…you are misleading them. I have been rejected from sales jobs before because I wasn't a strong enough sales person to join that organization. A popular saying around your industry is that “If it was easy, everyone would be doing it.” Well then why the fuck are you telling everyone they can do it?

What you do isn’t real sales, it’s manipulation. BUT in your defense people are responsible for their own decisions and if they invest their money and lose it, hopefully they learn a lesson.

I have seen my share of strangers give moving speeches with scripted rhetoric and nonsense with the silly headset microphone. I have heard their stories and even read other peoples stories online. It was amazing because after all, everything you read online is true and a businesses wouldn't cook shit up just to make sales. I mean... come on...

I have been harassed, lectured, pep talked, and disowned by people in network marketing programs. I have been told I would be great and just needed to work harder and believe in myself, and I needed to want better things for myself and so on. Most of it is pretty insulting, but I consider the source of a desperate friend that got sucked into it and I let it go. Usually this happens within their first 6 months of involvement in said program. After that, I don’t really hear about it anymore…weird right? Maybe they had given up on me and moved on to more qualified "down-lines" and started making that residual magic money we hear so much about! Nope…usually those same people, when asked months later, either have nothing to say or talk around it. I have never seen someone I personally know make any real money doing it. If they say they did, they cannot prove it. And trust me, I ALWAYS ask. It’s my last word to a conversation that may have been had months ago where they left feeling like they owned me.

Now we are back at the success rate of your model that you will righteously sell without having even known the actual success rate for yourself. See when I sell my product, I have to discuss failure rates, real justified rates of return, and show actual numbers as proof to all of it. At the end of the day, I feel good knowing that I was up front and the person knew exactly what they were getting.

I know, I have beating you up pretty hard on the recruiting aspect of what you do and haven’t even mentioned the phenomenal, revolutionary, pioneering, lifesaving, money saving, incredible, products that you all sell. Well that’s because for the most part neither do you! The minute I ask about some supplements or whatever, you may give me a web link to follow but then you jump right into your recruiting pitch. So again, go back to your sales training and learn about process. Here are some examples of what I go through…

Me- “Man, I have the hardest time waking up in the morings.”

Salesperson- “You should try our all natural acai berry battery acid flavored penis oil powder.”

Me- “Oh that sounds interesting. What is it?

Salesperson- “Here is a link. You can order it from me or online with my code. You know you can get it cheaper if you sign on as an independent distributor. Do you have a minute to talk about an exciting opportunity that everyone is talking about?”

Or…

Me- “Man, losing weight is hard. I love cheeseburgers and pizza and eat like 6 year old.

SP-“ You should try our Mega Protein Breast Milk Extreme! Meal replacement powder and power bars.”

Me- No thanks, I like food as opposed to powder.

Sp- “ You don’t know what you are missing man. I know a guy that lost 100 pounds last week just doing a simple 20 day challenge and it changed it his life. It costs $400 but how much does being fat cost you in the long run?”

Me- “Well maybe…

SP-“ If I get you signed up as a Class 3 super diamond independent super distributor, in 6 months, you’ll get all this free and be making more money than you ever have. Do you have minute to talk….

Me- Runs away and jumps from window….

Most of the time the products are pretty good. I will give you that. Usana had supplements so good they would make you sick. Advocare, Herbalife, and so on, all have some decent stuff. I take supplements and if I could find a salesperson that wouldn't try to recruit me, I’d probably buy some stuff from them monthly. But maybe not either. Most of the time because it is a direct sale, it is extremely overpriced and again, there is no actual measurable proof to justify the extra expense incurred in buying your product over a less expensive brand that is easier to access. Showing me a study that your company paid for is not proof. That is marketing material. Know your shit.

Finally, for those of you that are pursuing one of these programs now, I really do wish the best of luck and I hope you can throw this back in my face along with your million dollar payday and tell me it works. If that happens, I’ll be the first to eat crow and publicly admit it. And the honest truth is that I don't wish failure on anyone. I still wouldn't sign up because I don’t have what it takes to be the kind of person you have to be to sell that stuff. For those of you thinking about joining, I urge you to reevaluate your life and find out if this is a desperate grab at a life raft. Also, do your research on this industry and the companies. Make sure what you are reading was not written or funded by the company and try to be objective. If you want to do it but aren't sure about sales, go get a part time job at a cold-call call center. They offer great training and it will let you know whether or not you have the chops for sales. If you can sell at one of those places for a short period of time, you will probably do OK. For those of you currently that have swallowed the pill, pun intended, please give me your best rebuttal to what I am saying and post it publicly. I would love to have this debate with you for people to see. Or avoid the debate and show proof of your success. Again, I said 90% failure and that does mean that there are  people out there doing great with this. Good for them. Keep on keeping on!

I am not trying to crush dreams or to be as you kids like to call it, a "hater". I am simply replying to the many many many advances from you that I have gotten. I feel it's fair that if you all are going to solicit me that I can reply back. At least I am doing on single forum and not invading your personal space.

To my friends that are involved. I love you just like I always have, I just don't want to talk about this. I want to talk about what we talked about when we became friends. Love you.