Breaking Up with Your Friends - The lost Self Help Book Chapter

I don't wear fancy shoes because I never know where I may go.
I don't wear fancy clothes because you never what needs to be done.
I don't keep friends for the sake of not being alone because you never know when you have to move on.

Even though the sentiment of "Friends Forever" is very pleasant.

This one comes from a suggestion from a friend and reader. I have touched on this subject in the past but have never dived into it. Mostly because I didn't want to deal with the fallout. Avoiding the fallout is half the reason I have had to break up with friends in the past, but a huge reason I even write this blog, is to help and offer perspective. So here it is.


Like I have said before, I am good at making friends of strangers but just as good at making strangers of friends. Sometimes for better and sometimes for worse. Luckily I have not been stricken with a sentimental heart and this comes easier to me than most people. I am not quick on the draw however and most of the time is a calculated move done because I feel it is for the best of myself or even the other person. So there is always a reason and that reason is stronger than the alternative of powering through years more of whatever toxic or useless behavior I am trying to avoid. Most of the time, its not me...it's you.

This past year has been a banner year for my own personal development and this has happened a little more than it did in the past. In the past a drunken argument was reason enough. The making up would have been harder than it needed to be just to keep another drinking buddy on board. Sometimes in the past I knew I was the toxic person and needed to let that person just get on with their life without me in it. Being self deluded most of the time, I often missed the mark and instead of a clean break, it was dirty and now we have boundaries protected by hard feelings. I am not a fan of that method. I think a clean and respectful parting of ways is fine and should always be the chosen path. However, sometimes people can't or won't understand where you are coming from and hurt feeling are just part of it. The inevitability of bad blood and hurt butts is very real and something you just have to deal with. No one wants to feel like they aren't perfect for you in every way. But if you are tired of the same old shit or trying to better yourself, sometimes you can't keep the same company. Sad but true. You are most likely going to have to put on your adult shoes for this one.

In my experience you have 3 kinds of people that surround you. They are all different in personality and soul but they can fit into 3 categories.

1. Supporters or Fans - These people just want the best for you. They like you for you and take you as you come. They see who you are and your interactions are based on a balanced acknowledgement of mutual interests and goals. These are keepers. They don't bore by constantly vomiting their personal drama and woe during every visit. They know what you are into and try to keep interactions filled with mutual interests and valuable conversations. They are self aware. They take you as you come. They do not judge or offer advice. They simply like being around. These are the people that when I quit drinking, thought it was great, said they would support me however they could, but didn't dwell on and it and we just kept being friends. The always seem to enrich your life and know their boundaries. Most of the time that is because they are good people and have their own life to tend to.

2. Bad Influences/Enablers/Assholes- At some point, you became friends with this n'er-do-well through some kind of mischievous or epic night out and found them to be fun in a dirty, criminal kind of way. You probably thought they were funny and liked how blunt they were and you could always turn to them when you needed validation for a bad idea. Hell they might even help enhance it. Too many times have you woken up hungover or regretful because of this so called friend and sometimes you even ask yourself why you are still hanging out with them. Most of the time they become like a parasite and always seem to find you and ruin your good time or good vibe. You try to avoid them but can't seem to do it. They think because you have romped with them in the past that when you don't hang out you are being judgmental and an asshole and they don't mind guilty you into another hedonistic night on the town. You fucking know better but you keep them around and then they infect the whole social circle causing problems everywhere you turn. You should have ditched them a long fucking time ago and if you are searching to improve, you have to. No questions, nothing halfway, these people have got to go.

3. Accomplices- Disguised as a supporter, they are really a NUMBER 2 underneath. You end up having lots of regretful experiences with them, but for some reason you make excuses because you believe their intentions were better. They are nice, they just have problems. Right? If you turn to them in a time of weakness, they don't even have the decency of being blatant like the Bad Influence, they will steer you in the wrong direction all the while convincing why its not that bad. You can't judge them because most of the time they not self aware and are idiots. You have to sniff them out and then cut the cord. They never will. These people will bitch and moan when you don't let them suck the life out of you. These are also the people that believe friends should be friends for friends sake. They have no intention of being really supportive, they don't necessarily want to harm you but they will just suck the life out of you. They are the people that somewhere, a couple hours in to social outing with them, you get the urge to run home or drive your car off a bridge. Beware the accomplice! These people don't want you to change or grow or anything that will mess with environment.

Next, you have to have the uncomfortable and awful conversation with yourself of who has to go. This is up to you. You can do a pros and cons list so you feel like you gave them a fair shake but most of the time, you already know. If you stopped right now, at least 1 name would pop in your head immediately. Why haven't you done this yet? Why are they still hanging around? Can you take another evening of their face and words getting all over you? Is there some reason you have to endure it? If the bus drops below 55 mph will it explode? Probably not. Either you start this process or prepare to spend years sitting with a group of people and feeling completely alone. You will just end up mad at yourself and disappointed that you didn't get shit done because you were trying to be NICE or "a good friend". At the end of the day, none of these people are going to travel the world with you, they don't care if you fat and unhealthy, they don't care if you lose your job, or never get the job you really want. It doesn't hurt them if you don't achieve what you want to achieve. They have their friend and will accept you in whatever condition you come. Most of the time they need you to be a mess so they won't feel so bad about being a mess. Write those 3 categories down and start making a list under each one. Then do something about it.

Prepare to be lonely. Progress comes with a cost and despite all the inspirational Facebook quotes your read and repost, it isn't just HARD WORK. It is loneliness. The funny thing is the loneliness is really just the time you didn't have before to work on the shit you want to do. You just haven't filled that time up yet. When you are trying to accomplish something, you social life takes at hit. Sitting around drinking beers with your friends doesn't accomplish anything. Even though the movie idea you came up with after 15 jagerbombs did seem really doable! The loneliness passes and the reward of no regret due to bad decisions quickly reveals itself. You need to learn to be alone anyway. Don't be so codependent. You accomplishments can validate you. You don't need other people to do that.

Learn to say no. Learn to say to other people and to yourself.

"But, but, but, Next weekend is Captain Dipshits birthday, and I know probably shouldn't go but I have been planning to and everyone will be there and you can't miss  birthdays! Right?!"

Wrong. You have to accept that life is going to keep on keeping on long after you are not a part of it. People are still going to party, and laugh, and have adventures without you. They are also going to wake up broke, hungover, and sad more often that not. The difference is that eventually you won't notice because you will be getting on with real life and working toward your goals. It gets easier and kind of fun. At first just think of excuses, whatever, ease into it. But eventually just get used to saying, "You know I don't do that shit anymore."

The fact is, that occasionally you will give in and partake in the douchebaggery and that will be all it takes to remind you why you don't do it anymore and those instances will become few and far between. Also, this generally gives people the idea that you are on a different path and they will get the point, and just leave you alone. You will always be welcome, you just won't get invited. Problem solved.

The assholes will still try to peer pressure you or guilt you. In my opinion it is best just to tell them that you think what they do is stupid and you don't want to do it anymore. You have to firm and clear. Or ease into it with making excuses.

The Accomplices are the worst ones. They will call to see if you are alright and you will have to have the "Are you mad at me?" conversation. Then you will say no, I am just doing some other things and they will try to bargain with you and tell you that you can do those things and still hang out with them. Don't fall for that shit. That will just make you backslide into the way shit used to be.

At first everyone will ask you WHY? After they see rewards, they will ask you HOW?

You have to identify these people yourself and then do something about it. This is your life and as much as we like to believe that our friends and family are essential to our existence they are not. And if someone is affecting you negatively, you need to cut them loose. If you fail, or are unhappy, it is not their problem. That is on you.

I don't make excuses for myself and I will damned if I am going to make excuses for other people.

You can be nice and be strong. Luckily I don't put a lot of effort into being nice. It tends to be more clear and effective that way.

Don't say goodbye. A favorite thing I do at parties and social gatherings that I want to escape is just leave. I call it "Ghosting". I don't make a deal of it, I don't say bye. I don't shake hands and give hugs. It's not necessary and no one really cares. Most of the time in the process of doing that, people beg you to stay and then get offended when you don't. Same thing with lifestyle changes. Just get up and leave and let the world keep turning. Don't make a big deal out of it by trying to explain yourself to everyone. You don't owe them that. Maybe you do with girlfriends, boyfriends, and roommates. Shit could get weird if you just disappear them.

Make it a point to be unresponsive. I know most people live with their phone attached to their hands. Sometimes I do the same thing. And when you get a message your first instinct is to respond immediately. Needy much? You have to start treating almost everyone like the creepy guy/gal you drunkenly gave your number to at the bar. Think it through. Wait a few minutes or just ignore it.

Don't get sucked in. Sometimes a friend will invite you to have a coffee or lunch or something and that usually turns into a time they need to try and suck you back in by inviting you to the next BBQ and they have you face to face and will guilt the shit out of you. If you start missing people, invite them to do something with you that is a part of your new life. I like inviting people to workout with me. It shows I want to be see them, and I do! But it also lets them know where my priorities are and how they can have access to me. The line is drawn between the old life and the new. They are welcome aboard but you have new priorities and they have to respect those.

For me, I have lots of reasons I identify to time for moving on. Bad influences or just people that really do not offer me anything anymore, or people that I don't have anything in common with anymore. Lots of people grow up and have babies, get married, and have a mortgage. A lot of times those people also become unbelievably boring. All they talk about is the mundane tasks they carry out day to day or the secret problems they are having with their new Leave it to Beaver life. This offers me nothing and I have nothing to say back to them. It is almost painful to sit through. I break up with these people.

I usually temporarily break up with people that begin a new romantic relationship. It is extremely hard to carry on a conversation with someone that has their head up someones ass. The chemicals in their brain tell them that they are truly in love and this will last forever and everything is perfect. The sad part of their soul is elated to think they don't have to be alone anymore. But all of the blood that used to be in the interesting part of their brain is now in their genitals. This offers me nothing and I have nothing to say back to them.

Occasionally after the new car smell has worn off, we can regroup and see what happens. Usually at this point they are sad and bitter and all they talk about is the once magical lover, but now its all about how much they hate them. Negativity plus being extremely boring equals break up.

Sometimes the new love leads into the growing up and that equals break up.

Drugs equal break up.

I have a lot of break up reasons. Most of them hover around these things:

Are they interesting?
What do they do to enrich my life?
Are they negative?
Do they support me?
Are they toxic?

Last, just focus on what you are doing. We get some obsessed with other people and what other people think and the nonsense that surrounds our social lives that we will literally never get anything accomplished because we are trying to superficially keep everyone happy and impressed with small little insignificant crap,

Make new friends. You will be surprised at how easy this is. Once you dawn your new identity, you will start making friends with the same priorities and similar goals to you. They won't know the old you and won't have any expectations except the new ones you set. They will quickly become a support system and people that give you so much. You will not longer be alone but you will still be on track. Things will start happening for you even faster. Give it a shot.

If you read this and your feelings got hurt. Stop for a minute and have an honest discussion with yourself about why you feel that way.

If you read this and it helped, great, now do something about it or stop complaining. If you are going to keep living the way live, just lean into it and shut up. If you are not, then Godspeed to you! I am always here to talk. Or if I am toxic, cut me off. I promise I will understand.

What do Amway and the Ancient Egyptians Have in Common? They Both Built Pyramids.

Something happens when you are approaching the cliff that is your 30^th birthday. You suddenly realize you might not get to be a rock star or the president. Your 20’s are spent questioning every decision you should make for your future and your 30’s are spent questioning every decision you made in your 20’s. My 20’s were full of great ideas that I forgot after 48 hour binge drinking marathons. Now that’s over I can focus…a little…

Clarity is not a luxury I have had for a longtime so luckily there some cool people along the way to give me some advice and motivation. One thing I know I can do is run my mouth and take part in lively conversation, and debate. Realizing with most of these debates that the tables seem to tilt my way by the end, I was drawn into sales. Sometimes I hate it and never want to talk to another person again in my life, and sometimes I love it. That’s sales for ya.

I sell a product right now that I love, believe in, and think is the future of the planet. I love to talk about it to people that want to listen and I like getting my customers set up. It feels good to get paid to do something you enjoy. It is rewarding to do something you believe in. It also helps that I can work from home sometimes and not have to get dressed until 10am or when I start feeling guilty for being lazy.

For now I am in a good spot. But, back to the turning 30 thing…

We all hit that point where we realize the pics posted by former crushes go from cleavage clad sexy poses to driver seat selfies hiding gained weight, pictures of food, and the worst….10,000 pictures of kids. Priorities shift, people start having “favorite shows” on weeknights, and generally begin to suck. As if this isn’t already disappointing enough, the next wave of disappointment comes in a salesy business tone that you have never heard spoken from that person. Yup, I am talking about the Multilevel Marketing, Networking Marketing, whatever you wanna call it Marketing pitches. Things didn’t pan out at college, you don’t like what your degree is in, your trade school degree isn’t helping like the commercial said it would, or you just didn’t get an education…I don’t know. But now you have found the most American of American ways to make money…I mean, it only makes sense! You are the only thing holding you back! You just need the desire and drive and you are chocked full of that man! 

I mean, don’t get me wrong, I have reached out to a couple “advocates” or representatives participating in some of the programs. I have asked about product for a couple of things. Most times I couldn’t get through asking for something to give me some pep in the mornings before they would launch full on into a pitch about how I was perfect for selling this product and I should join their cult. As a sales professional, I have to give you some feedback, wait for me to finish talking before shoving your pitch down my throat. You don’t know my situation and you may be wasting your time or more importantly wasting mine. If you think about it, it is a pretty narcissistic way to live assuming everyone has 15 minutes to listen to you drone on about financial freedom and early retirement, whenever you decide to talk about it. Ease off the green tea extract buddy! Calm down.

Anyway, I get why you start listening to these pitches and why you invest your $500 to be the owner of your new home based business. I understand that the pictures on the brochures are exciting and that you may get a little boner or lady boner, whenever you are in one of those hotel ballroom conferences. It’s exciting stuff. I know because I was there.

When I was younger, I was madly in love with a beautiful girl and I wanted to marry her. At the time I believed she was probably the best I was going to do and needed to go ahead and lock this one down. Rookie mistake. So when her father asked what I was going to do to take care of his little girl, I said I was going to do what he did…Network Marketing. If this idiot asshole could do it, I certainly could too. Immediately his concern with our young age and my lack of a stable history in anything but playing in a band went out the window and he launched full throttle into getting me up to speed on how I would be retired by the time I was 30. He gave me the full run down on how things worked, there were conference calls, motel spectacles, and lots of books written by paid “third-parties” like Robert Kyosaki. That’s right, I had the Rich Dad / Poor Dad boxset and I was on my to making millions of dollars if I just believed! Then came Napoleon Hill, The Secret, Dale Carnegie, Stephen Covey, and the list goes on and on and on. Whatever, he was off my back and all I had to get people to do was buy some vitamins or want to sell some vitamins. I mean I got pretty easily sold, how hard could it be? I was a something something home based business diamond triad douchey mcsales guy for USANA!

Now in retrospect as a real sales professional, I see the error of my ways. First, while sales does not require any formal training, it should. Sales is a profession like anything else and not everyone can do it. I can’t believe my way into being an MMA fighter or playing the NBA. I know there are the hopeless that believe you can will your way into anything but you’re wrong so don’t start. Sales is one of those things. You may have some natural ability, but you have to hone the craft, have some coaching, and work really hard to get comfortable, let alone be any good at it. Then on the flip side, there are people that are just not sales people and it is painfully uncomfortable to listen to them try and sell. We are all given certain abilities and to say that everyone is born with the ability to sell is probably coming from someone trying to sell you something. Bottom line, I wasn’t going to take my 500 pound ogre of a brother that drives a truck and owns a trailer park in East Texas and change him into top notch sales professional. There is not enough time or magic in Neverland for that to ever happen.

That is the other thing that comes with these programs. You have just signed on to harass, alienate, and possibly rip off your circle of influence. Remember when you were in elementary school and they sent you home with magazines or candy and you had to sell about 10,000 bars of chocolate so you could win the TV, so you went to all your family members and friends and so on…this is the same business model. The only difference is that you are now 30 and the shit ain’t cute anymore. Also, the kids that always won in those programs were kids that probably already had their own TV because their family was well off, so they would by the 10k in chocolate bars and magazines between like 3 family members. My family on the other hand was too poor to do that so they went back to the hard work philosophy and said I should knock on doors. The bitch of that was that we lived in the country and had like 3 neighbors that always seemed to have dogs that bite.  The same principal happens here. You may sell a little to your ne’er do well relatives, but your more accomplished relatives are more likely to enable this and buy in…as a courtesy because they still think you are cute.

Next, you find your down and out friends that have buckets of problems, can’t hold jobs, drink too much, and are not even healthy, and try to get them to sell your HEALTH supplements too. Well the thought of not having a boss has already hooked your maverick friend, and he likes that sweet magnet you put on your car about that says “Fire Your Boss Today!” He would do that, but he was just fired yesterday for urinating in the Coke machine. You stroke the ego, have them fish whatever your initial investment charge is from the piggy banks and empty Crown Royal bottles and they are off! Now you are seeing small commissions coming in and your color code or rare gem status is rising in the ranks of this company! At the next motel conference room banana pants conference you will get a new pin and lots of pats on the back!

This is sales. That is true. But without integrity.

Here is why…

You are selling people a product that has a 90% fail rate. I don’t care how many ass holes you have watched jump around a stage with one of those Britney Spears microphones attached to his head saying that he went from riding the bus to a Ferrari in 2 years. The bottom line is that real stats show that over all, in your industry, more that 90% of people fail.  If I walked into Best Buy for a new TV and they told me about a TV that would fulfill my wildest dreams but there was a 90% chance it wouldn’t work, I’d probably go with the good ole LG or Sony. If you can’t honestly and upfront look at someone and tell them there is a huge chance that the money they are investing is going to be wasted, you are not being honest. Anyway you swing it, it’s lying. You place all of the responsibility on that person to put in the work but you don’t create an accurate picture of reality or what that work is. You can say that you care because their success is your success, but when you are lying to multiple people, the buffer room is built in for some people to fall off.

You cannot take someone with no formal training or inclination and make them a millionaire over night or even in 2 years in the field of sales. It is insulting to even say that to those of us that actually make our living that way. If you want to become a millionaire overnight, get your teenage daughter pregnant, get on tv and act like an asshole. This is America and that is the formula.

There are many many things people have to work through before becoming sales people and you don’t let people know that…you are misleading them. I have been rejected from sales jobs before because I wasn't a strong enough sales person to join that organization. A popular saying around your industry is that “If it was easy, everyone would be doing it.” Well then why the fuck are you telling everyone they can do it?

What you do isn’t real sales, it’s manipulation. BUT in your defense people are responsible for their own decisions and if they invest their money and lose it, hopefully they learn a lesson.

I have seen my share of strangers give moving speeches with scripted rhetoric and nonsense with the silly headset microphone. I have heard their stories and even read other peoples stories online. It was amazing because after all, everything you read online is true and a businesses wouldn't cook shit up just to make sales. I mean... come on...

I have been harassed, lectured, pep talked, and disowned by people in network marketing programs. I have been told I would be great and just needed to work harder and believe in myself, and I needed to want better things for myself and so on. Most of it is pretty insulting, but I consider the source of a desperate friend that got sucked into it and I let it go. Usually this happens within their first 6 months of involvement in said program. After that, I don’t really hear about it anymore…weird right? Maybe they had given up on me and moved on to more qualified "down-lines" and started making that residual magic money we hear so much about! Nope…usually those same people, when asked months later, either have nothing to say or talk around it. I have never seen someone I personally know make any real money doing it. If they say they did, they cannot prove it. And trust me, I ALWAYS ask. It’s my last word to a conversation that may have been had months ago where they left feeling like they owned me.

Now we are back at the success rate of your model that you will righteously sell without having even known the actual success rate for yourself. See when I sell my product, I have to discuss failure rates, real justified rates of return, and show actual numbers as proof to all of it. At the end of the day, I feel good knowing that I was up front and the person knew exactly what they were getting.

I know, I have beating you up pretty hard on the recruiting aspect of what you do and haven’t even mentioned the phenomenal, revolutionary, pioneering, lifesaving, money saving, incredible, products that you all sell. Well that’s because for the most part neither do you! The minute I ask about some supplements or whatever, you may give me a web link to follow but then you jump right into your recruiting pitch. So again, go back to your sales training and learn about process. Here are some examples of what I go through…

Me- “Man, I have the hardest time waking up in the morings.”

Salesperson- “You should try our all natural acai berry battery acid flavored penis oil powder.”

Me- “Oh that sounds interesting. What is it?

Salesperson- “Here is a link. You can order it from me or online with my code. You know you can get it cheaper if you sign on as an independent distributor. Do you have a minute to talk about an exciting opportunity that everyone is talking about?”

Or…

Me- “Man, losing weight is hard. I love cheeseburgers and pizza and eat like 6 year old.

SP-“ You should try our Mega Protein Breast Milk Extreme! Meal replacement powder and power bars.”

Me- No thanks, I like food as opposed to powder.

Sp- “ You don’t know what you are missing man. I know a guy that lost 100 pounds last week just doing a simple 20 day challenge and it changed it his life. It costs $400 but how much does being fat cost you in the long run?”

Me- “Well maybe…

SP-“ If I get you signed up as a Class 3 super diamond independent super distributor, in 6 months, you’ll get all this free and be making more money than you ever have. Do you have minute to talk….

Me- Runs away and jumps from window….

Most of the time the products are pretty good. I will give you that. Usana had supplements so good they would make you sick. Advocare, Herbalife, and so on, all have some decent stuff. I take supplements and if I could find a salesperson that wouldn't try to recruit me, I’d probably buy some stuff from them monthly. But maybe not either. Most of the time because it is a direct sale, it is extremely overpriced and again, there is no actual measurable proof to justify the extra expense incurred in buying your product over a less expensive brand that is easier to access. Showing me a study that your company paid for is not proof. That is marketing material. Know your shit.

Finally, for those of you that are pursuing one of these programs now, I really do wish the best of luck and I hope you can throw this back in my face along with your million dollar payday and tell me it works. If that happens, I’ll be the first to eat crow and publicly admit it. And the honest truth is that I don't wish failure on anyone. I still wouldn't sign up because I don’t have what it takes to be the kind of person you have to be to sell that stuff. For those of you thinking about joining, I urge you to reevaluate your life and find out if this is a desperate grab at a life raft. Also, do your research on this industry and the companies. Make sure what you are reading was not written or funded by the company and try to be objective. If you want to do it but aren't sure about sales, go get a part time job at a cold-call call center. They offer great training and it will let you know whether or not you have the chops for sales. If you can sell at one of those places for a short period of time, you will probably do OK. For those of you currently that have swallowed the pill, pun intended, please give me your best rebuttal to what I am saying and post it publicly. I would love to have this debate with you for people to see. Or avoid the debate and show proof of your success. Again, I said 90% failure and that does mean that there are  people out there doing great with this. Good for them. Keep on keeping on!

I am not trying to crush dreams or to be as you kids like to call it, a "hater". I am simply replying to the many many many advances from you that I have gotten. I feel it's fair that if you all are going to solicit me that I can reply back. At least I am doing on single forum and not invading your personal space.

To my friends that are involved. I love you just like I always have, I just don't want to talk about this. I want to talk about what we talked about when we became friends. Love you.