I don't wear fancy shoes because I never know where I may go.
I don't wear fancy clothes because you never what needs to be done.
I don't keep friends for the sake of not being alone because you never know when you have to move on.
Even though the sentiment of "Friends Forever" is very pleasant.
This one comes from a suggestion from a friend and reader. I have touched on this subject in the past but have never dived into it. Mostly because I didn't want to deal with the fallout. Avoiding the fallout is half the reason I have had to break up with friends in the past, but a huge reason I even write this blog, is to help and offer perspective. So here it is.
Like I have said before, I am good at making friends of strangers but just as good at making strangers of friends. Sometimes for better and sometimes for worse. Luckily I have not been stricken with a sentimental heart and this comes easier to me than most people. I am not quick on the draw however and most of the time is a calculated move done because I feel it is for the best of myself or even the other person. So there is always a reason and that reason is stronger than the alternative of powering through years more of whatever toxic or useless behavior I am trying to avoid. Most of the time, its not me...it's you.
This past year has been a banner year for my own personal development and this has happened a little more than it did in the past. In the past a drunken argument was reason enough. The making up would have been harder than it needed to be just to keep another drinking buddy on board. Sometimes in the past I knew I was the toxic person and needed to let that person just get on with their life without me in it. Being self deluded most of the time, I often missed the mark and instead of a clean break, it was dirty and now we have boundaries protected by hard feelings. I am not a fan of that method. I think a clean and respectful parting of ways is fine and should always be the chosen path. However, sometimes people can't or won't understand where you are coming from and hurt feeling are just part of it. The inevitability of bad blood and hurt butts is very real and something you just have to deal with. No one wants to feel like they aren't perfect for you in every way. But if you are tired of the same old shit or trying to better yourself, sometimes you can't keep the same company. Sad but true. You are most likely going to have to put on your adult shoes for this one.
In my experience you have 3 kinds of people that surround you. They are all different in personality and soul but they can fit into 3 categories.
1. Supporters or Fans - These people just want the best for you. They like you for you and take you as you come. They see who you are and your interactions are based on a balanced acknowledgement of mutual interests and goals. These are keepers. They don't bore by constantly vomiting their personal drama and woe during every visit. They know what you are into and try to keep interactions filled with mutual interests and valuable conversations. They are self aware. They take you as you come. They do not judge or offer advice. They simply like being around. These are the people that when I quit drinking, thought it was great, said they would support me however they could, but didn't dwell on and it and we just kept being friends. The always seem to enrich your life and know their boundaries. Most of the time that is because they are good people and have their own life to tend to.
2. Bad Influences/Enablers/Assholes- At some point, you became friends with this n'er-do-well through some kind of mischievous or epic night out and found them to be fun in a dirty, criminal kind of way. You probably thought they were funny and liked how blunt they were and you could always turn to them when you needed validation for a bad idea. Hell they might even help enhance it. Too many times have you woken up hungover or regretful because of this so called friend and sometimes you even ask yourself why you are still hanging out with them. Most of the time they become like a parasite and always seem to find you and ruin your good time or good vibe. You try to avoid them but can't seem to do it. They think because you have romped with them in the past that when you don't hang out you are being judgmental and an asshole and they don't mind guilty you into another hedonistic night on the town. You fucking know better but you keep them around and then they infect the whole social circle causing problems everywhere you turn. You should have ditched them a long fucking time ago and if you are searching to improve, you have to. No questions, nothing halfway, these people have got to go.
3. Accomplices- Disguised as a supporter, they are really a NUMBER 2 underneath. You end up having lots of regretful experiences with them, but for some reason you make excuses because you believe their intentions were better. They are nice, they just have problems. Right? If you turn to them in a time of weakness, they don't even have the decency of being blatant like the Bad Influence, they will steer you in the wrong direction all the while convincing why its not that bad. You can't judge them because most of the time they not self aware and are idiots. You have to sniff them out and then cut the cord. They never will. These people will bitch and moan when you don't let them suck the life out of you. These are also the people that believe friends should be friends for friends sake. They have no intention of being really supportive, they don't necessarily want to harm you but they will just suck the life out of you. They are the people that somewhere, a couple hours in to social outing with them, you get the urge to run home or drive your car off a bridge. Beware the accomplice! These people don't want you to change or grow or anything that will mess with environment.
Next, you have to have the uncomfortable and awful conversation with yourself of who has to go. This is up to you. You can do a pros and cons list so you feel like you gave them a fair shake but most of the time, you already know. If you stopped right now, at least 1 name would pop in your head immediately. Why haven't you done this yet? Why are they still hanging around? Can you take another evening of their face and words getting all over you? Is there some reason you have to endure it? If the bus drops below 55 mph will it explode? Probably not. Either you start this process or prepare to spend years sitting with a group of people and feeling completely alone. You will just end up mad at yourself and disappointed that you didn't get shit done because you were trying to be NICE or "a good friend". At the end of the day, none of these people are going to travel the world with you, they don't care if you fat and unhealthy, they don't care if you lose your job, or never get the job you really want. It doesn't hurt them if you don't achieve what you want to achieve. They have their friend and will accept you in whatever condition you come. Most of the time they need you to be a mess so they won't feel so bad about being a mess. Write those 3 categories down and start making a list under each one. Then do something about it.
Prepare to be lonely. Progress comes with a cost and despite all the inspirational Facebook quotes your read and repost, it isn't just HARD WORK. It is loneliness. The funny thing is the loneliness is really just the time you didn't have before to work on the shit you want to do. You just haven't filled that time up yet. When you are trying to accomplish something, you social life takes at hit. Sitting around drinking beers with your friends doesn't accomplish anything. Even though the movie idea you came up with after 15 jagerbombs did seem really doable! The loneliness passes and the reward of no regret due to bad decisions quickly reveals itself. You need to learn to be alone anyway. Don't be so codependent. You accomplishments can validate you. You don't need other people to do that.
Learn to say no. Learn to say to other people and to yourself.
"But, but, but, Next weekend is Captain Dipshits birthday, and I know probably shouldn't go but I have been planning to and everyone will be there and you can't miss birthdays! Right?!"
Wrong. You have to accept that life is going to keep on keeping on long after you are not a part of it. People are still going to party, and laugh, and have adventures without you. They are also going to wake up broke, hungover, and sad more often that not. The difference is that eventually you won't notice because you will be getting on with real life and working toward your goals. It gets easier and kind of fun. At first just think of excuses, whatever, ease into it. But eventually just get used to saying, "You know I don't do that shit anymore."
The fact is, that occasionally you will give in and partake in the douchebaggery and that will be all it takes to remind you why you don't do it anymore and those instances will become few and far between. Also, this generally gives people the idea that you are on a different path and they will get the point, and just leave you alone. You will always be welcome, you just won't get invited. Problem solved.
The assholes will still try to peer pressure you or guilt you. In my opinion it is best just to tell them that you think what they do is stupid and you don't want to do it anymore. You have to firm and clear. Or ease into it with making excuses.
The Accomplices are the worst ones. They will call to see if you are alright and you will have to have the "Are you mad at me?" conversation. Then you will say no, I am just doing some other things and they will try to bargain with you and tell you that you can do those things and still hang out with them. Don't fall for that shit. That will just make you backslide into the way shit used to be.
At first everyone will ask you WHY? After they see rewards, they will ask you HOW?
You have to identify these people yourself and then do something about it. This is your life and as much as we like to believe that our friends and family are essential to our existence they are not. And if someone is affecting you negatively, you need to cut them loose. If you fail, or are unhappy, it is not their problem. That is on you.
I don't make excuses for myself and I will damned if I am going to make excuses for other people.
You can be nice and be strong. Luckily I don't put a lot of effort into being nice. It tends to be more clear and effective that way.
Don't say goodbye. A favorite thing I do at parties and social gatherings that I want to escape is just leave. I call it "Ghosting". I don't make a deal of it, I don't say bye. I don't shake hands and give hugs. It's not necessary and no one really cares. Most of the time in the process of doing that, people beg you to stay and then get offended when you don't. Same thing with lifestyle changes. Just get up and leave and let the world keep turning. Don't make a big deal out of it by trying to explain yourself to everyone. You don't owe them that. Maybe you do with girlfriends, boyfriends, and roommates. Shit could get weird if you just disappear them.
Make it a point to be unresponsive. I know most people live with their phone attached to their hands. Sometimes I do the same thing. And when you get a message your first instinct is to respond immediately. Needy much? You have to start treating almost everyone like the creepy guy/gal you drunkenly gave your number to at the bar. Think it through. Wait a few minutes or just ignore it.
Don't get sucked in. Sometimes a friend will invite you to have a coffee or lunch or something and that usually turns into a time they need to try and suck you back in by inviting you to the next BBQ and they have you face to face and will guilt the shit out of you. If you start missing people, invite them to do something with you that is a part of your new life. I like inviting people to workout with me. It shows I want to be see them, and I do! But it also lets them know where my priorities are and how they can have access to me. The line is drawn between the old life and the new. They are welcome aboard but you have new priorities and they have to respect those.
For me, I have lots of reasons I identify to time for moving on. Bad influences or just people that really do not offer me anything anymore, or people that I don't have anything in common with anymore. Lots of people grow up and have babies, get married, and have a mortgage. A lot of times those people also become unbelievably boring. All they talk about is the mundane tasks they carry out day to day or the secret problems they are having with their new Leave it to Beaver life. This offers me nothing and I have nothing to say back to them. It is almost painful to sit through. I break up with these people.
I usually temporarily break up with people that begin a new romantic relationship. It is extremely hard to carry on a conversation with someone that has their head up someones ass. The chemicals in their brain tell them that they are truly in love and this will last forever and everything is perfect. The sad part of their soul is elated to think they don't have to be alone anymore. But all of the blood that used to be in the interesting part of their brain is now in their genitals. This offers me nothing and I have nothing to say back to them.
Occasionally after the new car smell has worn off, we can regroup and see what happens. Usually at this point they are sad and bitter and all they talk about is the once magical lover, but now its all about how much they hate them. Negativity plus being extremely boring equals break up.
Sometimes the new love leads into the growing up and that equals break up.
Drugs equal break up.
I have a lot of break up reasons. Most of them hover around these things:
Are they interesting?
What do they do to enrich my life?
Are they negative?
Do they support me?
Are they toxic?
Last, just focus on what you are doing. We get some obsessed with other people and what other people think and the nonsense that surrounds our social lives that we will literally never get anything accomplished because we are trying to superficially keep everyone happy and impressed with small little insignificant crap,
Make new friends. You will be surprised at how easy this is. Once you dawn your new identity, you will start making friends with the same priorities and similar goals to you. They won't know the old you and won't have any expectations except the new ones you set. They will quickly become a support system and people that give you so much. You will not longer be alone but you will still be on track. Things will start happening for you even faster. Give it a shot.
If you read this and your feelings got hurt. Stop for a minute and have an honest discussion with yourself about why you feel that way.
If you read this and it helped, great, now do something about it or stop complaining. If you are going to keep living the way live, just lean into it and shut up. If you are not, then Godspeed to you! I am always here to talk. Or if I am toxic, cut me off. I promise I will understand.
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