It really seems like it's only been a few weeks. I can't believe half a year has gone by since I decided to put down the booze and move on with my life. It certainly has not been easy, but it has been extremely rewarding.
Just like anything else in my life, there are certain songs I have latched onto during this process that have really spoken to me and given me strength when my willpower was at it's failure point. These songs really say it all about how I feel and what it's been like so far.
This is just the progress on the outside...
I have lost a ton of weight. I can sleep at night and more importantly, I can wake up in the morning. When I do wake up, the first thing I do before my feet even hit the floor is let God know how grateful I am.
I can finally breathe. In more ways than one.
For the first time in 7 years I am 100% off any medication. No more anti-depressants or mood stabilizers.
Things are good.
Please enjoy the soundtrack to my sobriety and rebirth. Maybe these songs will speak to you too. I posted the version with the lyrics so you can really get where I am coming from.
1. Blue October- Overweight
This song really goes out to my awesome girlfriend, friends, family, and God. Dealing with someone that is sick with addiction is hard. I have lost a lot of friendships because of it. Most people bail pretty quickly but there are people that have stood by me every step of the way. I am not at all strong enough to do this on my own. Everyday I am grateful I have these people and this song sums up exactly how I feel about them.
2.Survival- Eminem
When I decided to get sober and healthy, it wasn't because I was just tired, it was a matter of survival. My health was suffering, I was depressed, and wasn't sure how much longer I would make it. If I didn't end up in jail, I would have ended up dead. I thought about it a lot. I was going nowhere in terms of a career and became more introverted than ever. Whatever energy I had left, I mustered up, and did this for survival.
3.Fear- Blue October
One of the hardest things for me was taking the first step and then the 2nd 3rd 4th and so on. I still struggle. One of the biggest struggles for me is fear. The addicted lifestyle was all I knew. Most of my relationships were based around drinking. I was terrified to let go. Somehow I felt safer in my self created hell. When I got the strength to reach up and ask God to help, it was one of scariest moments of my life. Fear is a motherfucker man. But I know now that I don't have to fall apart and people love me without playing the cartoon character I was before. This song made me cry the first time I heard it because it rang so true.
4. Shackled and Drawn - Bruce Springsteen
This song reminded me that I am still a man and I still have responsibilities. It tells me that as long as you are working it is hard to fuck up. Problems will always be here, but I have to man up, face them, deal with them, and keep moving forward. Alcohol made me feel like less of a man, but that is certainly not the case anymore.
5. Not Afraid - Eminem
Haha, you had to know this one was coming. This is a powerful song when it comes to recovery. When I started going to meetings, I learned that I am not the only person going through this shit. I am not alone in this fight. It also reminds me to be of service to people that need it and want it. Again, fear is one the biggest obstacles to overcome in all aspects of recovery. I can say now, that although I have a long road ahead of me, I am not afraid of what is around the next corner. I feel stronger than ever right now.
6. Indestructible- Disturbed
7 or 8 years ago, with booze in hand, I tried to end it all. I tried taking myself out because I couldn't take it anymore. I survived that but just kept medicated with beer for all the long long years to come. I was the darkest time of my life. I could not face the terror of my childhood, the problems I had right in front of me, or the challenges the future would hold. I didnt feel like I deserved any thing good in my life and I destroyed anything that I came across. Now, 6 months into this long journey, I look back and see that the booze, horrible enemies and even worse friends could not break me. Somewhere inside me was a strength keeping me going. Now I can walk with my head high and I know I am real motherfucker is someone tries to take my happiness away. My life has been a battle but so far...I am indestructible.
Thanks to all of you that love me and put up with my shit.
Rock!
.........................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................Keep going.....................................There is more.......................................................
SECRET SONG! Remember those? haha...
This last song is there as a reminder that the only way I can move forward is to keep a crisp picture of the past. Sometimes I have to feel the pain, and taste the horrible taste of my past. It keeps me motivated. If you can't remember how hot the fire is, you are destined to burn yourself again. I will remember before I forget.
Slipknot- Before I Forget
No comments:
Post a Comment