Showing posts with label texas. Show all posts
Showing posts with label texas. Show all posts
Thursday, August 7, 2014
Basic Man Rules for Increasingly Bizarre and Childish Society
Freedom son, is a dirty shirt. The sun on my face and a shovel in the dirt. A shovel in the dirt keeps the devil gone... - Bruce Springsteen
We live in different times than our surly grandfathers. The world has shifted in a lot of areas that no longer require the stone jaw and leather skin of the old west to get us through life. This is for sure. We have laid down our guns and picked up pens and mobile devices in their place. The world is evolving and that is ok. I'd like to live past the ripe old age of 35 and it not say "Taken By Consumption" on my tombstone. So some of the rules have changed. The dynamic is different. But there are still basic principles all men must live by. If we abandon these principles then humanity is doomed. To tell you the truth, I am not sure how much hope we have. I hope this can help. Below is a list of the rules a man must do his best to adhere to. Some of you may need to take off your pastel shorts and get comfortable. A lesson needs to be learned here.
1. Appropriate Dress and Attire for a Man
We may as well start here because in Austin TX, this is the biggest offender of manliness to date. Under no circumstances should you for any reason wear skinny jeans. By some fucking pants that fit you smelly asshole. This goes for the filthy hipster types and you douche bag dance club sissys. Grown men everywhere do not care to see the silhouette of your tiny camel nose, nor do we want to walk behind an adult that appears to have shit in his pants. This is unacceptable.
See as men, we should dress for function and comfort. If you are sassy man obsessed with keeping up with the latest trends in order to improve your higher social standing or to appear more appealing to partner of your choice, you are doing it wrong. If you are over the age of 25 and still doing this, all hope may be lost. You should contact your father or a father figure and try to trace your steps back to where you went wrong. No one takes you seriously dressed like a high school freshman.
This should also include shirts with passive aggressive political statements. Don't be that guy. If you believe something, actually do something about it. Don't spend $20 on a made in China shirt to tell passing citizens of your disdain of whatever pussy issue you have taken stake in. We don't care and it won't change our minds. This goes for conservatives and liberals.
If you are wearing shoes that can't get dirty then you better be going to a church for a funeral or wedding or a job interview. I think when people in the 80's started killing other people for their shoes, it was just an attempt to get you assholes to stop this madness. If you want to impress a 15 year old girl with your shiny new high tops, then go ahead but I don't think they allow Jordans in prison.
2. Facial Hair / Head Hair
Again, we are not in post Civil War American and we have the ability to trim and shave as we please. We also have the right to let it grow out and make ZZ Top proud. Some men prefer the clean shaven look and that is great. Some of us have trimmed and shaped beards. Some enjoy the wooliness of wild man beard and that is awesome. The only real rule here is to commit. That little line down your face and around your chin shit has got to go. That is the equivalent of drawn on Chola eyebrows. It is nonsense. You also may not shave designs into your face and head. In the words of Jack Donaghey from 30 Rock, "Your hair is your head suit." Man up. Current or future employers will not appreciate your swirly line design on your dome. Unless of course you have a real passion for deep fryers. You must also admit when something is a lost cause. If your mustache is growing in and looks like a thin film of fruit mold after a few weeks of trying. Just give up. Some of us just can't pull off the Sellek. Not your fault, but move on. Lastly, at least make an attempt to keep it clean. No one wants to smell that mess man.
Note: Any and all man points are null and void when a beard is combined with skinny jeans.
3. Jobs/Careers
Get a fucking job. A real man should at least be self sufficient if not take care of his own. You don't have to be a CEO or keeping chasing that fucking hopeless dream of being the big talent in your favorite medium. A real man will take what job he needs to to sustain himself and take care of his priorities. There is no shame in flipping burgers or putting your back into some labor work. If you are working, you are doing it right. Real men don't live off handouts and favors. Pick up a book and learn a trade. The library is free. We all need help sometimes. That is ok. But when you borrow, you should be grateful and fully intend to return the favor in full within a reasonable amount of time. If you ain't got a job, don't even think about asking me for money for any reason, especially nonsense kickstarter campaigns. Try to adhere to the first two rules to help you along with this one.
A little subtext to this is that every man should have a basic understand and handle on minor repairs and projects. It is not acceptable for a man to have to call a contractor to his house to fix minor things like leaky faucets, broken windows, or to mow the lawn. Get your ass up and get your self a well furnished tool box, and learn to do something with your hands besides jerking off.
4. Women / Elders
Chivalry is not dead gentlemen. When you can, hold the door for a lady. Unless she's a bitch, then wait until she almost grabs it and let it go. This isn't the world of King Authors court, but we must at least try to be polite and kind when we have a chance. A man that is secure in himself is not threatened by humbling himself into doing something nice for someone in passing. Strength of character is just as important as your precious pectoral muscles you so diligently work on and creepily stare at in the mirror. Grow a pair and show some respect. Every man can be a leader and true leaders take care of people. Friends, strangers, family...Everyone.
5. Children
I don't care if you are an oil field rough neck, an MMA fighter, or you work in an office, when a two year old hands you a toy phone, you answer that motherfucker. A real man understands that children are our future and one day will be deciding our fate as we soak in the glow of television with shit in our pants. If not just because it's the right thing to do, it is the smart thing to do. Our children's safety, happiness, and overall well being should be our priority. This does not mean that you walk on egg shells around the little tyke. You show them how the world works, teach them, and set an example. It is really disappointing to see a grown man in a grocery store losing a dispute with a small child as the world looks on. You are the man and should have already earned and demanded that rug rats respect. Get it together. No one wants to go out to eat and listen to your little shit cry while trying to enjoy an entree. You can't reason with a kid like you would an adult. You know why? BECAUSE THEY AREN'T FUCKING ADULTS!
The only thing more disappointing than watching that fiasco unfold is seeing a grown man hit a kid. This isn't very popular but I am against spankings. I know the argument that spanking is different than beating but the same principle applies. I will have several people living in trailer houses, with no money, or future tell me how their parents did it and they turned out ok. Well, no you fucking didn't. Unless you just have really low standards. Argue this with me and I will tear you apart but taking an honest inventory of all your favorite attributes.
Unless you are using a hammer and nails, you shouldn't have to hit something to make it work the way you want it to. If you do, that just means you aren't smart enough to be in the position you are in. Use your head, not your hands or a belt.
Adhering to the above rules should help you set the example you need to for your child.
6. Music
To lighten the mood a bit lets talk about music. Our planet is covered in wonderful art and music of kinds. Also, most people that do not adhere to at least 4 of the top rules are most likely not going to adhere to this one. They are the lost souls. All I can say is that if you are grown man listening to music that sounds like a phone being dialed on top of a beat, you have got to get your shit together. I'm sure your stripper girlfriend loves it but when she leaves you for a real musician, maybe you will grow out of it. Electronic dance music is made for the mindless and inebriated. If that statement does not make sense to you then my point is proven. Also buying into the latest trendy music like Nickleback to Kanye is red flag. That is music made and distributed like McDonalds chicken nuggets. It's horrible for you and cheap and you should really chose something healthier. Have a little self respect. Pick up an old Johnny Cash or Black Sabbath album and grow a little.
7. Automobiles
A real man will do what he needs to do to get around so he can take care of his business. Whether that is on a bus, a bike, or in a backfiring ticking time bomb in the form of an old Corrolla. You do what you have to do. I am not a car shamer. I am also not one of those fuck heads that are in some kind of life long dispute over whether or not Ford or Chevys are better. It seems like a wasted argument. So my only real advice comes to those of you that have the money are going out to intentionally buy the car you will be driving the next few years. If you are a grown ass man and you chose to drive a tiny import that sounds like a farting bumble bee. You have issues. Cars like clothes should serve function and not be purchased on the basis of improvement of social standing or to impress middle schoolers. You are not Paul Walker. Give up the dream. These are also the guys that drive them like fucking idiots. You can race me all the way to the next stop light bud. You're car may be faster but clearly from the choices you make, you aren't going very far.
8. Confidence
Along with respect for others a real man must possess some sort of self worth. Again I state that if you follow the above rules, you won't have a lot of trouble with this. Confidence is not shown by being a dickhead bully. Yeah I am talking to you guys driving giant jacked up trucks. These jackasses on the highway driving like they are the only people with somewhere to be. You need to calm the fuck down. Confidence is truly shown by not being affected by little things. Patience. Understanding and having a clear head at most times. If you have fight everyone you meet, you are clearly trying to keep people from realizing you have a tiny penis. You are also the guy that a real man will tear the fuck apart. Your posturing will one day get your ass kicked. No one likes a bully. You are not fooling anyone. Stand tall, feel good, but be a man about it.
9. Patriotism, Racism, and Faith
This is a hard one because everyone has a different view point and pretty much any thing anyone does will cause someone else to call them a trader, racist, or blasphemer. I survive this by not giving a shit what people say or think about me. See rule 8. Confidence. I don't do things that will hurt someone else because of some unsubstantiated belief I have. My beliefs are my business and at no time do I feel like I need to push them on you like a late night car commercial. And as far as I am concerned people can do whatever the fuck they want as long as they are not hurting me or the helpless. Real men do not use faith to impede the happiness or rights of other people simply because they chose to live a different lifestyle. Real men do not actively hate a group of people based the fact they are frightened by their culture. And real men do not look at their neighbor as a trader simply because they don't agree with the way things are done in society. Don't get me wrong, stereotypes exist for a reason. I wouldn't leave my car unlocked in a ghetto but I also wouldn't leave it unlocked in an East Texas trailer park either. I mean fuck that, I'm not an idiot. Every group of people have someone representing them that the would probably shut up if they could. Most times the idiots are the loudest too. But real men live and let live. Real men aren't afraid to understand something. Real men have the capacity to accept and love.
10. Social Media
There is nothing wrong with having a little privacy men. I post a lot on Facebook and the Twitters but most of it is nonsense like dick and fart jokes. I like getting a laugh out of people It's kind of what I do. But for God's sake, have some dignity when shit happens in your life. Don't get on Facebook and cry so that people can give you a nickle worth of sympathy. Man the fuck up and deal with it.
11. Health
Lets start with food. It's the funny popular thing to do to pigeon hole men into steak wrapped in bacon eating neanderthals. However some of us want to live a little longer and not feel like shit all the time. But if you are going to be the guy that has taken a stance against every single meal other people choose to eat, then bring your own bean and bitch soup to my BBQ. Don't ask me if I will have healthy or vegan options. If I invited you to my BBQ, then that should pretty much tell what is on the menu. It's not everyone else's responsibility to make sure you eat like a fucking rabbit. That's on you. Good luck with it. But, men, most of us have people that depend on us. We have to get some vitamins and nutrients in us and shoving wads of fries into your gullet isn't going to keep you around very long. A real man can power through a salad. Come on, you can do it. When your belly is full of polups when you are 50 and someone has to change your shit bag, you will wish you had. Also everyone will hate you for it. Secondly, a real man can make pretty much anything taste good on the grill. If you can not do this, again I suggest you speak with your father or a father figure. Some men live pretty physically taxing lives as part of their jobs and are built like fucking buffalo. But a lot of us sit in an office chair all day every day, then we can't wait to leave so we can go home and sit in another chair and watch tv. Get off your ass gentlemen. Take a walk. Let that walk turn into a run. And maybe throw in some push ups. If you are working out to impress the ladies, then whatever. If you aren't adhering to the previous rules, you probably do not have nor will you get a good woman. But we all have people that think we are important and it is up to us as men to not let them down by turning into fat cancerous fucks that need our asses wiped.
12. Relationships
As real man Kenny Rogers would say, Know when to hold em. Know when to fold em. A real man can stick through some shit with his lady friend/or partner. He also has to know when shit is just toxic and its time to move on. And yeah that's right. I said partner. I hope that through out this blog you didn't get the impression I was implying that homosexual men can't be real men. Because they can and most are from my experience. I just wanted to note that for you out there that may have thought different. Though they must still apply these rules as well.
A real man will stick around and doesn't ask to be taken care of. In this current day and time there is nothing wrong with a 50/50 split of responsibility. That in fact is pretty common and the way I prefer it. I have no intention of turning my lady into some kind of home bound hopeless sap without goals. I love her success. I also have not intention of using her success and me being pregnant and barefoot in the kitchen either. We lean on each other at times but we support each other through thick and thin and that is the way it goes. I have not intention of baling at the first sign of trouble. Real men fight for what they love.
I don't take out my insecurities on her and make every single one of my self absorbed problems hers. She is a constant reminder why I need to improve and be better but she also reminds me that I need to do it for me and she will do it for her. It all just kind of works. But real men aren't mean to their women. They have taken the time to find someone that actually fits instead of conning someone into being with them just to try and change them later. If you can't celebrate who your partner is without trying to change them, you are with the wrong person. If you are constantly insecure, then maybe you aren't fighting your weight. Either improve or find someone that doesn't scare you. But you shouldn't treat someone like shit because you feel like shit.
Most people are in relationships just because they are afraid to be alone and I tell ya man that is bad road to go down.
You also can't be the guy that keeps one foot out of the door just in case you see some greener grass. If someone is committing to you, then you need reciprocate or leave. Don't drag someone along behind you because you are too much of a pussy to let them be happy without you. I can speak to this one because I did it and I feel horrible for it. Lesson learned though.
A real man never abuses verbally or physically. There is nothing more pussy than a boy that will show his dominance repeatedly to someone that isn't fighting back. That my friend is called a coward, and once again, real men catch tale that you are doing that and you mind yourself in bad way.
Conclusion-
The reality is that there are not real set of rules because life is nuts but we can of course all try to uphold some semblance of decency and self respect. Do what you do but be conscious of how it effects the people that love you. Pull your fucking pants up. Put on a shirt that fits, and go out there be a man. And try to leave the world a better place than you found it.
Tuesday, April 1, 2014
An Open Letter to the Criminals of Austin Texas
Dear Criminals,
This morning, I went to my truck to go to work. I immediately noticed I had been ransacked. My wallet was gone with a few other items. Not cool man. Not cool. I spent my morning with the police, the bank, and at the DMV. By noon I had this cleared up as best I can.
You charged several hundred dollars worth of gas and food by 9am. I guess you crack heads get an early start.
Well let me tell you a little about myself. Austin is my home now, since about 2008. I love it here. It is a wonderful town and the pros far out-weigh the cons. Pricks like you make it a little challenging at times. But I spend most of my time working to take care of myself and pay my bills and to give myself a good quality of life. I like spending time with my friends out on Townlake, at the Greenbelt, and I even do quite a bit of volunteering helping those that are less fortunate. I am a pretty decent fella. I am the average guy just trying to get by and leave the world a little better place than I found it.
But see, I am not from here. I am from a place that is much different and where I am from, we aren't as passive, forgiving, sympathetic, or tolerant of your kind. Where I come from, the people that work for a living don't have a lot of patience with the scum that don't want to. I brought these ideals with me to Austin. I know for the most part you are used to people giving you multiple chances and you can run free like little animals.
I just want you to know that I will use every legal resource and strategy to find you. I will press charges and push for you to be punished to the fullest extent of the law. I will not stop pressing the police to find you and I will lend a hand every way I can. I sincerely hope they find you.
I am no vigilante and I don't go around in search of crime to thwart. I mind my own business. I live my life. Like I said, I am all about fun and volunteering, giving back to the community. However, when you cross the line into my domain, all bets are off. Once this happens, you have crossed that cowardly barrier and you belong to me. I know you sneak around like a rodent, but you will get caught. If it is me that catches you, I hope you said your prayers that morning. I hope you kissed your children and told them you loved them. Because that will be the last bit of soft love you feel for a long time. Once you have given me the chance, on my own ground, I will destroy you. No matter your age, race, or the pettiness of your crime...my hammer will fall on you hard and just. I will do things to you that will give your children nightmares for the rest of their lives. You will leave my hands a broken disfigured mess. Everyday for the rest of your life when you look in the mirror, you will be devastated by the merciless scars that will face you back in the mirror. You will wonder why someone would do that to you over such a small infraction. Pain will be your constant companion. I will cripple every part of you including your image and state of mind.
Look to Jesus for forgiveness. You can come visit me for terrific pain.
You see, I think a person that will steal from a man that works for a living isn't even human. You are the lowest of the vermin. My humanity towards you stops when you take from someones livelihood and the things they have honestly worked for. No sympathy. No mercy. Not from me bud.
I just want you to know there are heavy handed people here in Austin and you get caught by one of them and your life will never be the same. You will wish for the vacation of jail time.
This is your fair warning from the average Joe. Take heed or suffer.
Regards,
A Zero Tolerance Citizen
This morning, I went to my truck to go to work. I immediately noticed I had been ransacked. My wallet was gone with a few other items. Not cool man. Not cool. I spent my morning with the police, the bank, and at the DMV. By noon I had this cleared up as best I can.
You charged several hundred dollars worth of gas and food by 9am. I guess you crack heads get an early start.
Well let me tell you a little about myself. Austin is my home now, since about 2008. I love it here. It is a wonderful town and the pros far out-weigh the cons. Pricks like you make it a little challenging at times. But I spend most of my time working to take care of myself and pay my bills and to give myself a good quality of life. I like spending time with my friends out on Townlake, at the Greenbelt, and I even do quite a bit of volunteering helping those that are less fortunate. I am a pretty decent fella. I am the average guy just trying to get by and leave the world a little better place than I found it.
But see, I am not from here. I am from a place that is much different and where I am from, we aren't as passive, forgiving, sympathetic, or tolerant of your kind. Where I come from, the people that work for a living don't have a lot of patience with the scum that don't want to. I brought these ideals with me to Austin. I know for the most part you are used to people giving you multiple chances and you can run free like little animals.
I just want you to know that I will use every legal resource and strategy to find you. I will press charges and push for you to be punished to the fullest extent of the law. I will not stop pressing the police to find you and I will lend a hand every way I can. I sincerely hope they find you.
I am no vigilante and I don't go around in search of crime to thwart. I mind my own business. I live my life. Like I said, I am all about fun and volunteering, giving back to the community. However, when you cross the line into my domain, all bets are off. Once this happens, you have crossed that cowardly barrier and you belong to me. I know you sneak around like a rodent, but you will get caught. If it is me that catches you, I hope you said your prayers that morning. I hope you kissed your children and told them you loved them. Because that will be the last bit of soft love you feel for a long time. Once you have given me the chance, on my own ground, I will destroy you. No matter your age, race, or the pettiness of your crime...my hammer will fall on you hard and just. I will do things to you that will give your children nightmares for the rest of their lives. You will leave my hands a broken disfigured mess. Everyday for the rest of your life when you look in the mirror, you will be devastated by the merciless scars that will face you back in the mirror. You will wonder why someone would do that to you over such a small infraction. Pain will be your constant companion. I will cripple every part of you including your image and state of mind.
Look to Jesus for forgiveness. You can come visit me for terrific pain.
You see, I think a person that will steal from a man that works for a living isn't even human. You are the lowest of the vermin. My humanity towards you stops when you take from someones livelihood and the things they have honestly worked for. No sympathy. No mercy. Not from me bud.
I just want you to know there are heavy handed people here in Austin and you get caught by one of them and your life will never be the same. You will wish for the vacation of jail time.
This is your fair warning from the average Joe. Take heed or suffer.
Regards,
A Zero Tolerance Citizen
Friday, January 24, 2014
Craigslist Ad for Sidekick/PA
Looking for Sidekick/PA Until College is Over (east austin)
First lets get some requirements out of the way...
You have to be female. Bro's I know this should be equal opportunity but hanging with chicks is usually more fun. Plus chicks are cuter and easier to lift into windows in case we decide to do any crime. Also most of my ghost hunting is more successful when I have a female offerings to perverted dead ghost dudes.
Ladies...this is not a sexual gig...I have a girlfriend that works very hard and it usually is just easier if she doesn't have to participate in these adventures. Also she does not like ghosts.
You must be attractive. Uglier women tend to be distracting as you cannot tell if they just look a certain way or if they are angry or need to be fed.
You must like Heavy Metal music, Classic Rock, and Snickers Bars.
Dancing skills are pretty helpful in case we meet some bitch girls or dudes that challenge us to a dance off to defend our rep.
Singing skills would be great just so we can harmonize.
It's helpful if you are short...my shoes come untied and often when I bend to tie them my crack shows and that can be embarrassing for both of us.
You must also know how to tie shoes.
This was not "Daisy's" strong suit as they would come untied again...often...and she would have to start the process over again.
No Gamers. I am terrible at video games and do not want to hear you tell me about them for hours and hours. I don't care how long it took you to beat it.
Strong preferred if you have big boobs in the event of a swimming accident.
Having a car would be a step up. But not too nice of one and then we have to take your car everywhere but you drive like an asshole and then we argue and then I have start this whole thing over again. I am thinking about the long term here.
I have a bike. If you have a bike...we can rock the Greenbelt or practice wheeleys at Auditorium shores so as people will know we are awesome.
Must have a decent pair of sunglasses and look cool as shit with them on. A photo will be required.
Must love dogs. If you are not a dog person, don't even respond. Go back to blowing Satan or whatever you people do.
You have to make a happy plate. I like to eat delicious food stuffs riddled with hearty red meat and burgers the size of your head. I need you to be able to keep on this and not embarrass me in front of everyone at hopdoddy when you can't finish your Terilinqua.
Must like hopdoddy.
Karate skills are not required but we will get plenty of practice in case Johnny and those assholes from Cobra Kai show up again.
Non drinker preferred, light drinker is ok. You are my sidekick and I don't want to have to carry you out of places or listen to why you can't seem to find a good guy while picking pieces of puke from your hair. (Daisy is a non-drinker.)
Finally, this is just a short-term gig unless you have what it takes! One Daisy could come back and shit could get pretty awkward when you're trying to ride shotgun but she just ASSUMES she can ride shotgun and then a pistol comes out.
Also please do not be a gun carrier.
A photo will be required. Please reply to the email with one.
You must be up to date on all your shots and not have any physical quirks that might be hard for me to over look and then I have to pretend all day like one of your eyes isn't mad at the rest of your face.
Looking for someone to start ASAP...I almost done with all the seasons of The Office on Netflix and shit is about to get real.
Thanks and Godspeed.
(This is a non-paying gig in terms of actual cash. But some of the richest people I know are the ones with the most friends. Strangely enough the people with lots of friends always have cash too...weird...Well, then you'll be on your way...)
Monday, January 13, 2014
The Douche Bag List: Knowing is the first Step in Protection
For some, the world today doesn't require a lot of time toward things really essential to our existence as it did years ago. For some, the money they earn doesn't always go toward essentials like retirement planning or education. No, no, now it can go towards loud exhaust on tiny cars and shoes that go nicely with douchetastic shirts that say "Keep Calm and Fist Pump On".
We are no longer a nation of hero types or role models. The current generation is an aching hangover of 90's kids that refused to grow up and their younger siblings fiendish consumerism. We don't admire athletes, we worship them. We don't look up astronauts, our new heroes are the seedy rich loser type that exist on a different planet on our televisions and transmit to frontal lobes in the form of reality TV. Best case scenario is that it's sad, reality is that it's scary. We are plumping up and dumbing down...We can only hope for the end or a revolution of minds.
With that being said, there are a lot of stand outs that we encounter everyday. Their small, annoying, and thoughtless actions give you a deep look into their nonsensical existence. In only a brief second, you can see how this creature lives their whole lives. The pestering insects of the human race...The Douche Bag.
This is my list notables...
1. Vegans-
You know how to tell if you have a vegan over for dinner? ---Because they will fucking tell you!
A vegan will go into a self righteous, well rehearsed monologue about how and why they became vegan. It ranges from the cruel treatment of animals to cow farts destroying the ozone. The will let you know the adversity they live with and how it was hard at first...but now it's not so bad. Worst part about this? I DIDN'T FUCKING ASK! The other part is that they feel because they are on this holy quest to save the planet from industrialized animal flatulence, that everyone need make special accommodations for them where ever and whenever they decide. Hey asshole! If you don't want what the rest of us are having, go home! Make a salad and shove a cucumber in your bum-bum because we are tired of hearing it. I don't know what your policy is on having a leather boot in your ass but you are going to have to decide if you don't shut up.
2. The Uber Health Conscious Liberal Type...that smokes...
You know these people. You mention you have a hankering for Taco Bell or want to throw down on some Jack in the Box and they curl their lip and look down at you as if you just asked to watch them take a dump. These people too always have a lot to say...even when you don't ask. They make sure you know they buy over priced groceries, organic, and local! The give you recipes and ideas to cleanse your body of all the poison that corporate food chains are making you eat against your will. The funny part is, most of this comes out over a cigarette and booze. ALMOST ALL OF THESE PEOPLE SMOKE CIGARETTES! So you can lecture me on eating some tasty quick service while you puff down on something proven to kill you? You get to make an exception? I could probably eat Big Macs everyday and not get lung cancer you hypocritical fuck head. So before you start a lecture on things you read from the Huffington Post or on NPR, take that fuckin cigarette out of your mouth. Go get in shape and be the sterling example of health you need to be before you lecture me about what I put in my body.
3. Bumper Sticker People
Can you think of a more passive aggressive way to tell the world what you are thinking? Come on. Your bumper sticker has never convinced me of anything besides the fact that you are a douche bag with no back bone to actually make a stand for things you believe in. The back of your car looks like a musicians guitar case but with really stupid slogans. "COEXIST" - Uh no...I like not liking some people because it's fucking funny. Political stickers are the worst. So you are going to convince me, at 70 miles per hour that Obama was "One Big Ass Mistake America"? It's not working. I just know that you have stupid priorities. The little stick figure families are just awkward...What happens when the dad leaves? And he will. Why wouldn't he leave a crazy bitch that puts stick figures of her family on the back of her car? Lastly, if you have racing or performance stickers on your car, but you do not have racing or performance parts on your car, please drive that car off a bridge.
4. Always Wearing a Bluetooth Guy...or Girl
Some how I feel like this technology should not still be a fashion statement. Don't get me wrong, they are great for driving or while at work. However, walking through the fucking grocery store with one on your head and no one on the end of the line just makes you look like an asshat with no friends. Those are for essential use only, not for making you look like you are about to get the big call while you pick out a frozen dinner before you go home and beat off to Animal Planet. Get with it people, put the fucking things in your pocket. Or keep wearing them so your Doucheness won't be camouflaged. These guys usually are the same guys from #5...
5. Wears Sunglasses Inside Person
Ok, do we still have to have this conversation? I mean really? Are the halogens blinding you? Or do you think some chick is going to come up and ask you for an autograph? I am sure you were MVP on your slow pitch softball team but that hardly makes you a rock star. Take them off asshole. When you combine #4 and #5 you get Douchetron.
6. Any guy that wears a scarf ever.
Self explanatory
7. Guy that Leaves Radio Blaring when Parked at Gas Station
Honestly I think think it should be legal to pepper spray these people at will. Ladies you are lucky because you rarely do this. When you actually do it, I just assume it's your boyfriends car and you don't know how to turn the radio off. This is almost exclusively black guys too. Before you cry racism, think about it, and you know I am right. Being a douche transcends all race but I have to include this fact for educational purposes. It's always the worst rap song you've ever heard and is only drown out by the massive truck rattle happening. Do you need theme music to go in and buy a gatorade and some skittles? Has anyone ever really walked you to you and asked what song you were playing because they wan't to buy it? The truth is, from what I can gather, that these songs are usually about big money and getting pussy and being from what I can guess a pretty successful gangsta. But from the looks of that piece of shit you are driving and your spinning hubcaps...that's really not the soundtrack of your life. Turn it down asshole or get some custom plates that just say DOUCHE so we can see ya coming.
8. Boob Shirt Girl That Wants to be Respected
You have giant boobs. Glorious wonderful boobs. I applaud you for letting them breath and be free in the sunshine. You are a hero in my book and keep up the public service young lady. Take care of your wonderful love pillows. But, you can't honestly put on that shirt with the low neckline, that fits tight, hugging the twins oh so perfectly and not expect a man to look. We don't even have control over it. Our heads just turn that way like the magnetic pull of the core of the planet on a compass we know true north and it is atop your Rocky Mountains. Unless you are some kind of heartless sadist that wants to instigate some trouble, you have to over look the looks. I tried hard to keep this off the list because I appreciate the unspoken work you are doing, but too many chicks complain about getting gawked while "minding their own business". Maybe you did just want to go to the mall and pick up a couple of things but your num-nums caused a scene and that is your fault. Let the people look or cover 'em up. Please do not make me add yoga pants to this list. Yoga pants may one day be the cause of world peace.
9. Affliction/MMA Shirt Guy
So I noticed you are in moderate shape, you are genius with the hair gel, and all of your jeans have flaps over the back pockets...but what does that shirt say? Tap Out? Tap out of what? Are you tapped out of personality? And what affliction do you have? Do you have an affliction that causes you to shave your legs and suck a lot of dick? Once these guys have made the decent into douchebag oblivion there is really not limit to the amount of douche bag violations they may incur in just one night out at the douchiest bar in town. It will range from the sunglasses inside at night to wearing so much designer cologne they could could catch fire. These are the same guys that go to strip clubs hoping to find a girlfriend and work out in front of the mirror at the gym. I could go on and on about thee guys but I won't. If I even need any help on shaving a pussy, I know who to ask.
10. Grown men that listen to Drake or the like...
'Nuff Said...
11. People that end everything with "Just Sayin"
I know you're "just sayin" it, I had to sit listen to your stupid ass. Is that really necessary? Most of the time that statement is preceded by something really stupid.
12. People from other States that Live in Texas but talk shit about living here...
Last I checked, we are not under any sort of martial law that will not allow you to cross borders within the country and move back to whatever proud American state or city you are so in love with. You can pack your car, hit I-35 or Hwy 10 and be out of here in no time. Why the fuck would you stay here if you hate it and hate the people so much? We certainly aren't keeping you here. You can always move back to a state that we make fun of. I mean you are grown and able...get the fuck out...
13. Women that are trying to rewrite the rules...
I have been inundated with internet posts about "Real men prefer curves over sticks" and pictures of Marilyn Monroe with quotes about inner beauty...oh my goodness it goes on for days. I hypothesize this movement started when some portly gal named Tundra coined the phrase "a T-shirt and jeans" kinda gal. To address that one, that basically means you have given up. If you are a living the true definition of that label. There are some girls that will make a man a little stupid in the right jeans and t-shirt, but the girls that are using the phrase are not those girls...These are girls wearing mom jeans with a 12 inch zipper and t-shirt that says "Safeway Blood Drive 1998". These are the lost souls that no one wants to look at so they attempted to re-brand themselves into something more desirable. This did not work. Moving on to the girls used to be fat and are now "Curvy". Rebranding again...again unsuccessfully. I heard this one "Real men like steak, not just a bone"...No real men like whatever they fuck they want to like, typically this is not your frumpy ass. Also, there aren't just two extremes in this world. There is more than fat and skinny. There are just really hot chicks and while you are online posting memes about how someone should see the part of you filled with twinkies and ho-ho's, the inner you, those girls are out taking all the guys that don't want to date you. Grab a salad, hit a treadmill, maybe shed some of your heart disease and then maybe we'll talk. See I am not sure you understood the song. It's not an actual milkshake that brought all the boys to the yard. Lastly, stop using Marilyn Monroe as your shining example of womanhood. Most of the quotes you post are just made and she didn't say them. They are interchangeable to different female stars and you will fall for it because the rational part of your brain is filled with angst and candy. She was pretty much a slut and if she were in your group of friends, she'd be the one you talk shit about all the time because you heard she fucked her boss. Most importantly, she worked out, tried to be beautiful but ultimately killed herself by overdosing on pills...just a thought. Also, when we say curvy, we are thinking more along these lines...
Obviously there are many many more but there isn't much time. PLUS this is your opportunity to add your own by commenting below or on Facebook or twitter @prestontown
We are no longer a nation of hero types or role models. The current generation is an aching hangover of 90's kids that refused to grow up and their younger siblings fiendish consumerism. We don't admire athletes, we worship them. We don't look up astronauts, our new heroes are the seedy rich loser type that exist on a different planet on our televisions and transmit to frontal lobes in the form of reality TV. Best case scenario is that it's sad, reality is that it's scary. We are plumping up and dumbing down...We can only hope for the end or a revolution of minds.
With that being said, there are a lot of stand outs that we encounter everyday. Their small, annoying, and thoughtless actions give you a deep look into their nonsensical existence. In only a brief second, you can see how this creature lives their whole lives. The pestering insects of the human race...The Douche Bag.
This is my list notables...
1. Vegans-
You know how to tell if you have a vegan over for dinner? ---Because they will fucking tell you!
A vegan will go into a self righteous, well rehearsed monologue about how and why they became vegan. It ranges from the cruel treatment of animals to cow farts destroying the ozone. The will let you know the adversity they live with and how it was hard at first...but now it's not so bad. Worst part about this? I DIDN'T FUCKING ASK! The other part is that they feel because they are on this holy quest to save the planet from industrialized animal flatulence, that everyone need make special accommodations for them where ever and whenever they decide. Hey asshole! If you don't want what the rest of us are having, go home! Make a salad and shove a cucumber in your bum-bum because we are tired of hearing it. I don't know what your policy is on having a leather boot in your ass but you are going to have to decide if you don't shut up.
2. The Uber Health Conscious Liberal Type...that smokes...
You know these people. You mention you have a hankering for Taco Bell or want to throw down on some Jack in the Box and they curl their lip and look down at you as if you just asked to watch them take a dump. These people too always have a lot to say...even when you don't ask. They make sure you know they buy over priced groceries, organic, and local! The give you recipes and ideas to cleanse your body of all the poison that corporate food chains are making you eat against your will. The funny part is, most of this comes out over a cigarette and booze. ALMOST ALL OF THESE PEOPLE SMOKE CIGARETTES! So you can lecture me on eating some tasty quick service while you puff down on something proven to kill you? You get to make an exception? I could probably eat Big Macs everyday and not get lung cancer you hypocritical fuck head. So before you start a lecture on things you read from the Huffington Post or on NPR, take that fuckin cigarette out of your mouth. Go get in shape and be the sterling example of health you need to be before you lecture me about what I put in my body.
3. Bumper Sticker People
Can you think of a more passive aggressive way to tell the world what you are thinking? Come on. Your bumper sticker has never convinced me of anything besides the fact that you are a douche bag with no back bone to actually make a stand for things you believe in. The back of your car looks like a musicians guitar case but with really stupid slogans. "COEXIST" - Uh no...I like not liking some people because it's fucking funny. Political stickers are the worst. So you are going to convince me, at 70 miles per hour that Obama was "One Big Ass Mistake America"? It's not working. I just know that you have stupid priorities. The little stick figure families are just awkward...What happens when the dad leaves? And he will. Why wouldn't he leave a crazy bitch that puts stick figures of her family on the back of her car? Lastly, if you have racing or performance stickers on your car, but you do not have racing or performance parts on your car, please drive that car off a bridge.
4. Always Wearing a Bluetooth Guy...or Girl
Some how I feel like this technology should not still be a fashion statement. Don't get me wrong, they are great for driving or while at work. However, walking through the fucking grocery store with one on your head and no one on the end of the line just makes you look like an asshat with no friends. Those are for essential use only, not for making you look like you are about to get the big call while you pick out a frozen dinner before you go home and beat off to Animal Planet. Get with it people, put the fucking things in your pocket. Or keep wearing them so your Doucheness won't be camouflaged. These guys usually are the same guys from #5...
5. Wears Sunglasses Inside Person
Ok, do we still have to have this conversation? I mean really? Are the halogens blinding you? Or do you think some chick is going to come up and ask you for an autograph? I am sure you were MVP on your slow pitch softball team but that hardly makes you a rock star. Take them off asshole. When you combine #4 and #5 you get Douchetron.
6. Any guy that wears a scarf ever.
Self explanatory
7. Guy that Leaves Radio Blaring when Parked at Gas Station
Honestly I think think it should be legal to pepper spray these people at will. Ladies you are lucky because you rarely do this. When you actually do it, I just assume it's your boyfriends car and you don't know how to turn the radio off. This is almost exclusively black guys too. Before you cry racism, think about it, and you know I am right. Being a douche transcends all race but I have to include this fact for educational purposes. It's always the worst rap song you've ever heard and is only drown out by the massive truck rattle happening. Do you need theme music to go in and buy a gatorade and some skittles? Has anyone ever really walked you to you and asked what song you were playing because they wan't to buy it? The truth is, from what I can gather, that these songs are usually about big money and getting pussy and being from what I can guess a pretty successful gangsta. But from the looks of that piece of shit you are driving and your spinning hubcaps...that's really not the soundtrack of your life. Turn it down asshole or get some custom plates that just say DOUCHE so we can see ya coming.
8. Boob Shirt Girl That Wants to be Respected
You have giant boobs. Glorious wonderful boobs. I applaud you for letting them breath and be free in the sunshine. You are a hero in my book and keep up the public service young lady. Take care of your wonderful love pillows. But, you can't honestly put on that shirt with the low neckline, that fits tight, hugging the twins oh so perfectly and not expect a man to look. We don't even have control over it. Our heads just turn that way like the magnetic pull of the core of the planet on a compass we know true north and it is atop your Rocky Mountains. Unless you are some kind of heartless sadist that wants to instigate some trouble, you have to over look the looks. I tried hard to keep this off the list because I appreciate the unspoken work you are doing, but too many chicks complain about getting gawked while "minding their own business". Maybe you did just want to go to the mall and pick up a couple of things but your num-nums caused a scene and that is your fault. Let the people look or cover 'em up. Please do not make me add yoga pants to this list. Yoga pants may one day be the cause of world peace.
9. Affliction/MMA Shirt Guy
So I noticed you are in moderate shape, you are genius with the hair gel, and all of your jeans have flaps over the back pockets...but what does that shirt say? Tap Out? Tap out of what? Are you tapped out of personality? And what affliction do you have? Do you have an affliction that causes you to shave your legs and suck a lot of dick? Once these guys have made the decent into douchebag oblivion there is really not limit to the amount of douche bag violations they may incur in just one night out at the douchiest bar in town. It will range from the sunglasses inside at night to wearing so much designer cologne they could could catch fire. These are the same guys that go to strip clubs hoping to find a girlfriend and work out in front of the mirror at the gym. I could go on and on about thee guys but I won't. If I even need any help on shaving a pussy, I know who to ask.
10. Grown men that listen to Drake or the like...
'Nuff Said...
11. People that end everything with "Just Sayin"
I know you're "just sayin" it, I had to sit listen to your stupid ass. Is that really necessary? Most of the time that statement is preceded by something really stupid.
12. People from other States that Live in Texas but talk shit about living here...
Last I checked, we are not under any sort of martial law that will not allow you to cross borders within the country and move back to whatever proud American state or city you are so in love with. You can pack your car, hit I-35 or Hwy 10 and be out of here in no time. Why the fuck would you stay here if you hate it and hate the people so much? We certainly aren't keeping you here. You can always move back to a state that we make fun of. I mean you are grown and able...get the fuck out...
13. Women that are trying to rewrite the rules...
I have been inundated with internet posts about "Real men prefer curves over sticks" and pictures of Marilyn Monroe with quotes about inner beauty...oh my goodness it goes on for days. I hypothesize this movement started when some portly gal named Tundra coined the phrase "a T-shirt and jeans" kinda gal. To address that one, that basically means you have given up. If you are a living the true definition of that label. There are some girls that will make a man a little stupid in the right jeans and t-shirt, but the girls that are using the phrase are not those girls...These are girls wearing mom jeans with a 12 inch zipper and t-shirt that says "Safeway Blood Drive 1998". These are the lost souls that no one wants to look at so they attempted to re-brand themselves into something more desirable. This did not work. Moving on to the girls used to be fat and are now "Curvy". Rebranding again...again unsuccessfully. I heard this one "Real men like steak, not just a bone"...No real men like whatever they fuck they want to like, typically this is not your frumpy ass. Also, there aren't just two extremes in this world. There is more than fat and skinny. There are just really hot chicks and while you are online posting memes about how someone should see the part of you filled with twinkies and ho-ho's, the inner you, those girls are out taking all the guys that don't want to date you. Grab a salad, hit a treadmill, maybe shed some of your heart disease and then maybe we'll talk. See I am not sure you understood the song. It's not an actual milkshake that brought all the boys to the yard. Lastly, stop using Marilyn Monroe as your shining example of womanhood. Most of the quotes you post are just made and she didn't say them. They are interchangeable to different female stars and you will fall for it because the rational part of your brain is filled with angst and candy. She was pretty much a slut and if she were in your group of friends, she'd be the one you talk shit about all the time because you heard she fucked her boss. Most importantly, she worked out, tried to be beautiful but ultimately killed herself by overdosing on pills...just a thought. Also, when we say curvy, we are thinking more along these lines...
Obviously there are many many more but there isn't much time. PLUS this is your opportunity to add your own by commenting below or on Facebook or twitter @prestontown
Monday, January 6, 2014
Is Homosexuality worse than Stupidity? God vs.God
I tried to avoid it but I have to do it. It has to be addressed.
Sometimes I wake up, eat my breakfast, brush my teeth, step out into the world with intentions of conquering the day. Carpe Fuckin Diem man. Then suddenly I feel like I am being surrounded by some army of subhuman imbreds and they are declaring war on anything reasonable. They take grenades to common sense only to be distracted by shiny colors and loud noises. This provides me a small window to retreat back to the safety of my home, sensibility, and quite possibly a good book.
Social media is like a museum for extreme feats of stupidity. It can actually be quite amazing. Most people fear a pending zombie apocalypse, well my friends, I believe it's already started. You can start your observation of the brain dead fiends on Facebook, twitter, and the sort. If you want a good up close look, I suggest the mall in any suburban area or head further out into the countryside where they roam free. It's a spectacle alright...a gross, putrid, spectacle of the walking dead. Go see for yourself.
Here is a list of what I believe will be the main components in the nitwit atom bomb that will destroy America. Start digging your shelters and don't say I didn't warn you.
I guess the glaring issue, eh, last week, was the whole Duck Dynasty, Phil Robertson, redneck outrage fiasco. First, the guy has every right to say what is on his mind. The constitution allows us that right now, and they I am sure allowing us to show how doltish we can be will always be overlooked. After all, we are a nation that will only quiet someone down when there is fear of someone losing money. I guess the main argument was that he shouldn't have been fired...well he was for a week. Then he came back. If you think he came back because A&E thought it was the right thing to do, or that your internet slacktivism had anything to do with it, you are an idiot. A&E knows that they would have lost money. They know that some of your hard earned Keystone money was going to them in the form of shirts, coozies, and other fad like items that you will most assuredly be hawking to someone else at a garage sale in 5 years. The only change you made was that someone knew they were about to lose more money by not having him on than by kicking him off. Plain and simple. You can go change your profile pictures back to what they were before.
The other argument for this guy is that he was standing up for what his religious beliefs...so lets talk about that for a minute.
He said he didn't understand what one man saw in another mans anus, likened the lifestyle to bestiality, and also made some incredibly racist comments about the Jim Crow Laws. For those of you that get your information from internet memes, I suggest looking up the actual interview. Have an adult help you if some of the words are too big. Then came the legions of people saying, very tongue in cheek that they agree with him. Of course no one just came out and said they were against Gays, Gay Rights, or the lifestyle, because I am sure you couldn't remember or weren't sure if you had added any to your 1000 "friends" on Facebook. Although there were a few outlyers that were pretty vocal on their stances and backed it up with editorial Biblical references and little quips. So there it is...they are not defending the man, they are defending the God he believes in! They are coming to the aid of the supreme being that gave them life and all of their many fortunes! So like a weapon they rip out the Holy text and start fire those words from Leviticus damning these people and all that support them. It was quite remarkable.
It made me wonder, all of these Biblical scholars here fighting all that is good, holy, and American, they must be following all of the other commandments, rules, and ancient statutes set by the Creator himself. I mean, it does say that a man can not lay with another man as he would a woman. So what about the rest of the antiquated laws and rules the Good Book teaches us? Shouldn't we be following those, blindly, out of context, and literally?
I mean there are a bunch and it can get difficult to keep up with. But, for all of you devout followers, this shouldn't be a problem. I will name a few, and since you are so devout, you will know where they are, I shouldn't have to give you the exact verse. Rest assured though, should you need it, this heathen is happen to give you an index.
Because if you are going to suppress a group of human beings, not treat them as equals, and damn them to eternal hell, you must be thinking for the for the greedy, drunkards, swindlers, and good old fashioned adulterers. I mean, we love a good adultery story...as long as it doesn't involve a man with another man.
Seriously, lets keep them from voting or sharing benefits because we are unhappy with their sexual decisions? Even when God calls out all these other folks in his book? What gives them the hall pass?
We still eat pork even though in Deuteronomy it says that we shouldn't. In fact, it lists out a bunch of foods that we aren't supposed to eat.
What about the whole, "Don't kill people" commandment? This great country of ours is great at it. Of course we do it so the terrorists won't keep us from the shopping malls...but we are among the best at slaughtering people. Is it ok as long as we say we are doing it for God?
Also, with divorce rates flying over 50% in this country, what are you so worried about? Chances are, it won't last...just like your failed marriage. Hold on though...isn't divorce a sin too? Wait now I am really getting confused...Gay marriage should be banned but divorce should be an industry? Hell people even celebrate divorces. I guess I am having a hard time understanding where your faith makes any sense.
I have set it before..."If you make divorce illegal, everyone would go ahead and give marriage a second thought.
But I can understand needing to get married since a pregnancy was involved....ooooh shit...wait...Sex before marriage? Isn't that...no it couldn't be, all the faithful redneck teen moms were all married before conception. I am sure of it! Or did you find someway to get God to sanctify your Keystone fueled romp in the bed of a pick up? If you can explain that one to me, I'd sure be grateful.
My favorite were the women that stood forth on mighty pedestals denouncing the lifestyle! I mean, maybe they thought if they made enough noise, people would forget about what the Bible says about women...If you know what it says...then you should probably Shut the fuck up...because that's exactly what it says you should do. And for those of you that haven't been discarded by you first husband and baby daddy, I really hope you are behaving and being submissive to your man...transgressors...You should have plenty of time to practice working at home as it says in Titus.
I guess you could throw back at me that I took some of that out of context...Kind of like you did with the homosexuality text. I guess you could always throw back that some of those rules are antiquated and don't have to be followed. But what makes Homosexuality any different? Who gives you fucking tards the right to judge anyone based on a book you don't even follow? By the code of Jehovah you are all going to hell. So if you don't like gay people now, you should try to get used to hearing a feminine male scream, because you will be spending eternity right next to him. I think the biggest sin here is how fucking stupid you all are.
You know back in the day they had Biblical justifications for slavery. Some racist groups still believe in them.
You used to be able to beat your wife.
But as a group, we slowly but surely grew out of that nonsense. This is nothing different. It just can't make sense to the feeble minded American that doesn't have enough going for them to look up to anyone any better than a bearded redneck asshole.
Also, before you come at me, or judge me, as you have probably done the whole time you read this, you have no idea what my relationship is with God. I can assure you have one and I am a grateful person for things that have been given to me, especially the gift of commonsense and the intelligence to know that rules from 2000 years ago, may not apply to todays world as literally as you think they should.
(For any of you atheist, I know this probably got your motor running, but keep it to yourself. You can be more annoying than a pissed off chihuahua and this isn't the time to hear your nonsense either.)
One rule I will say that should stand today is that you should be good to other people...maybe that will free up some of your time to clean up your own act.
Sometimes I wake up, eat my breakfast, brush my teeth, step out into the world with intentions of conquering the day. Carpe Fuckin Diem man. Then suddenly I feel like I am being surrounded by some army of subhuman imbreds and they are declaring war on anything reasonable. They take grenades to common sense only to be distracted by shiny colors and loud noises. This provides me a small window to retreat back to the safety of my home, sensibility, and quite possibly a good book.
Social media is like a museum for extreme feats of stupidity. It can actually be quite amazing. Most people fear a pending zombie apocalypse, well my friends, I believe it's already started. You can start your observation of the brain dead fiends on Facebook, twitter, and the sort. If you want a good up close look, I suggest the mall in any suburban area or head further out into the countryside where they roam free. It's a spectacle alright...a gross, putrid, spectacle of the walking dead. Go see for yourself.
Here is a list of what I believe will be the main components in the nitwit atom bomb that will destroy America. Start digging your shelters and don't say I didn't warn you.
I guess the glaring issue, eh, last week, was the whole Duck Dynasty, Phil Robertson, redneck outrage fiasco. First, the guy has every right to say what is on his mind. The constitution allows us that right now, and they I am sure allowing us to show how doltish we can be will always be overlooked. After all, we are a nation that will only quiet someone down when there is fear of someone losing money. I guess the main argument was that he shouldn't have been fired...well he was for a week. Then he came back. If you think he came back because A&E thought it was the right thing to do, or that your internet slacktivism had anything to do with it, you are an idiot. A&E knows that they would have lost money. They know that some of your hard earned Keystone money was going to them in the form of shirts, coozies, and other fad like items that you will most assuredly be hawking to someone else at a garage sale in 5 years. The only change you made was that someone knew they were about to lose more money by not having him on than by kicking him off. Plain and simple. You can go change your profile pictures back to what they were before.
The other argument for this guy is that he was standing up for what his religious beliefs...so lets talk about that for a minute.
He said he didn't understand what one man saw in another mans anus, likened the lifestyle to bestiality, and also made some incredibly racist comments about the Jim Crow Laws. For those of you that get your information from internet memes, I suggest looking up the actual interview. Have an adult help you if some of the words are too big. Then came the legions of people saying, very tongue in cheek that they agree with him. Of course no one just came out and said they were against Gays, Gay Rights, or the lifestyle, because I am sure you couldn't remember or weren't sure if you had added any to your 1000 "friends" on Facebook. Although there were a few outlyers that were pretty vocal on their stances and backed it up with editorial Biblical references and little quips. So there it is...they are not defending the man, they are defending the God he believes in! They are coming to the aid of the supreme being that gave them life and all of their many fortunes! So like a weapon they rip out the Holy text and start fire those words from Leviticus damning these people and all that support them. It was quite remarkable.
It made me wonder, all of these Biblical scholars here fighting all that is good, holy, and American, they must be following all of the other commandments, rules, and ancient statutes set by the Creator himself. I mean, it does say that a man can not lay with another man as he would a woman. So what about the rest of the antiquated laws and rules the Good Book teaches us? Shouldn't we be following those, blindly, out of context, and literally?
I mean there are a bunch and it can get difficult to keep up with. But, for all of you devout followers, this shouldn't be a problem. I will name a few, and since you are so devout, you will know where they are, I shouldn't have to give you the exact verse. Rest assured though, should you need it, this heathen is happen to give you an index.
Because if you are going to suppress a group of human beings, not treat them as equals, and damn them to eternal hell, you must be thinking for the for the greedy, drunkards, swindlers, and good old fashioned adulterers. I mean, we love a good adultery story...as long as it doesn't involve a man with another man.
Seriously, lets keep them from voting or sharing benefits because we are unhappy with their sexual decisions? Even when God calls out all these other folks in his book? What gives them the hall pass?
We still eat pork even though in Deuteronomy it says that we shouldn't. In fact, it lists out a bunch of foods that we aren't supposed to eat.
What about the whole, "Don't kill people" commandment? This great country of ours is great at it. Of course we do it so the terrorists won't keep us from the shopping malls...but we are among the best at slaughtering people. Is it ok as long as we say we are doing it for God?
Also, with divorce rates flying over 50% in this country, what are you so worried about? Chances are, it won't last...just like your failed marriage. Hold on though...isn't divorce a sin too? Wait now I am really getting confused...Gay marriage should be banned but divorce should be an industry? Hell people even celebrate divorces. I guess I am having a hard time understanding where your faith makes any sense.
I have set it before..."If you make divorce illegal, everyone would go ahead and give marriage a second thought.
But I can understand needing to get married since a pregnancy was involved....ooooh shit...wait...Sex before marriage? Isn't that...no it couldn't be, all the faithful redneck teen moms were all married before conception. I am sure of it! Or did you find someway to get God to sanctify your Keystone fueled romp in the bed of a pick up? If you can explain that one to me, I'd sure be grateful.
My favorite were the women that stood forth on mighty pedestals denouncing the lifestyle! I mean, maybe they thought if they made enough noise, people would forget about what the Bible says about women...If you know what it says...then you should probably Shut the fuck up...because that's exactly what it says you should do. And for those of you that haven't been discarded by you first husband and baby daddy, I really hope you are behaving and being submissive to your man...transgressors...You should have plenty of time to practice working at home as it says in Titus.
I guess you could throw back at me that I took some of that out of context...Kind of like you did with the homosexuality text. I guess you could always throw back that some of those rules are antiquated and don't have to be followed. But what makes Homosexuality any different? Who gives you fucking tards the right to judge anyone based on a book you don't even follow? By the code of Jehovah you are all going to hell. So if you don't like gay people now, you should try to get used to hearing a feminine male scream, because you will be spending eternity right next to him. I think the biggest sin here is how fucking stupid you all are.
You know back in the day they had Biblical justifications for slavery. Some racist groups still believe in them.
You used to be able to beat your wife.
But as a group, we slowly but surely grew out of that nonsense. This is nothing different. It just can't make sense to the feeble minded American that doesn't have enough going for them to look up to anyone any better than a bearded redneck asshole.
Also, before you come at me, or judge me, as you have probably done the whole time you read this, you have no idea what my relationship is with God. I can assure you have one and I am a grateful person for things that have been given to me, especially the gift of commonsense and the intelligence to know that rules from 2000 years ago, may not apply to todays world as literally as you think they should.
(For any of you atheist, I know this probably got your motor running, but keep it to yourself. You can be more annoying than a pissed off chihuahua and this isn't the time to hear your nonsense either.)
One rule I will say that should stand today is that you should be good to other people...maybe that will free up some of your time to clean up your own act.
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