Basic Man Rules for Increasingly Bizarre and Childish Society

Freedom son, is a dirty shirt. The sun on my face and a shovel in the dirt. A shovel in the dirt keeps the devil gone... - Bruce Springsteen







We live in different times than our surly grandfathers. The world has shifted in a lot of areas that no longer require the stone jaw and leather skin of the old west to get us through life. This is for sure. We have laid down our guns and picked up pens and mobile devices in their place. The world is evolving and that is ok. I'd like to live past the ripe old age of 35 and it not say "Taken By Consumption" on my tombstone. So some of the rules have changed. The dynamic is different. But there are still basic principles all men must live by. If we abandon these principles then humanity is doomed. To tell you the truth, I am not sure how much hope we have. I hope this can help. Below is a list of the rules a man must do his best to adhere to. Some of you may need to take off your pastel shorts and get comfortable. A lesson needs to be learned here.


1. Appropriate Dress and Attire for a Man

We may as well start here because in Austin TX, this is the biggest offender of manliness to date. Under no circumstances  should you for any reason wear skinny jeans. By some fucking pants that fit you smelly asshole. This goes for the filthy hipster types and you douche bag dance club sissys. Grown men everywhere do not care to see the silhouette of your tiny camel nose, nor do we want to walk behind an adult that appears to have shit in his pants. This is unacceptable.

See as men, we should dress for function and comfort. If you are sassy man obsessed with keeping up with the latest trends in order to improve your higher social standing or to appear more appealing to partner of your choice, you are doing it wrong. If you are over the age of 25 and still doing this, all hope may be lost. You should contact your father or a father figure and try to trace your steps back to where you went wrong. No one takes you seriously dressed like a high school freshman.

This should also include shirts with passive aggressive political statements. Don't be that guy. If you believe something, actually do something about it. Don't spend $20 on a made in China shirt to tell passing citizens of your disdain of whatever pussy issue you have taken stake in. We don't care and it won't change our minds. This goes for conservatives and liberals.

If you are wearing shoes that can't get dirty then you better be going to a church for a funeral or wedding or a job interview. I think when people in the 80's started killing other people for their shoes, it was just an attempt to get you assholes to stop this madness. If you want to impress a 15 year old girl with your shiny new high tops, then go ahead but I don't think they allow Jordans in prison.

2. Facial Hair / Head Hair

Again, we are not in post Civil War American and we have the ability to trim and shave as we please. We also have the right to let it grow out and make ZZ Top proud. Some men prefer the clean shaven look and that is great. Some of us have trimmed and shaped beards. Some enjoy the wooliness of wild man beard and that is awesome. The only real rule here is to commit. That little line down your face and around your chin shit has got to go. That is the equivalent  of drawn on Chola eyebrows. It is nonsense. You also may not shave designs into your face and head. In the words of Jack Donaghey from 30 Rock, "Your hair is your head suit." Man up. Current or future employers will not appreciate your swirly line design on your dome. Unless of course you have a real passion for deep fryers. You must also admit when something is a lost cause. If your mustache is growing in and looks like a thin film of fruit mold after a few weeks of trying. Just give up. Some of us just can't pull off the Sellek. Not your fault, but move on. Lastly, at least make an attempt to keep it clean. No one wants to smell that mess man.

Note: Any and all man points are null and void when a beard is combined with skinny jeans.

3. Jobs/Careers

Get a fucking job. A real man should at least be self sufficient if not take care of his own. You don't have to be a CEO or keeping chasing that fucking hopeless dream of being the big talent in your favorite medium. A real man will take what job he needs to to sustain himself and take care of his priorities. There is no shame in flipping burgers or putting your back into some labor work. If you are working, you are doing it right. Real men don't live off handouts and favors. Pick up a book and learn a trade. The library is free. We all need help sometimes. That is ok. But when you borrow, you should be grateful and fully intend to return the favor in full within a reasonable amount of time. If you ain't got a job, don't even think about asking me for money for any reason, especially nonsense kickstarter campaigns. Try to adhere to the first two rules to help you along with this one.

A little subtext to this is that every man should have a basic understand and handle on minor repairs and projects. It is not acceptable for a man to have to call a contractor to his house to fix minor things like leaky faucets, broken windows, or to mow the lawn. Get your ass up and get your self a well furnished tool box, and learn to do something with your hands besides jerking off.

4. Women / Elders

Chivalry is not dead gentlemen. When you can, hold the door for a lady. Unless she's a bitch, then wait until she almost grabs it and let it go. This isn't the world of King Authors court, but we must at least try to be polite and kind when we have a chance. A man that is secure in himself is not threatened by humbling himself into doing something nice for someone in passing. Strength of character is just as important as your precious pectoral muscles you so diligently work on and creepily stare at in the mirror. Grow a pair and show some respect. Every man can be a leader and true leaders take care of people. Friends, strangers, family...Everyone.

5. Children

I don't care if you are an oil field rough neck, an MMA fighter, or you work in an office, when a two year old hands you a toy phone, you answer that motherfucker. A real man understands that children are our future and one day will be deciding our fate as we soak in the glow of television with shit in our pants. If not just because it's the right thing to do, it is the smart thing to do. Our children's safety, happiness, and overall well being should be our priority. This does not mean that you walk on egg shells around the little tyke. You show them how the world works, teach them, and set an example. It is really disappointing to see a grown man in a grocery store losing a dispute with a small child as the world looks on. You are the man and should have already earned and demanded that rug rats respect. Get it together. No one wants to go out to eat and listen to your little shit cry while trying to enjoy an entree. You can't reason with a kid like you would an adult. You know why? BECAUSE THEY AREN'T FUCKING ADULTS!

The only thing more disappointing than watching that fiasco unfold is seeing a grown man hit a kid. This isn't very popular but I am against spankings. I know the argument that spanking is different than beating but the same principle applies. I will have several people living in trailer houses, with no money, or future tell me how their parents did it and they turned out ok. Well, no you fucking didn't. Unless you just have really low standards. Argue this with me and I will tear you apart but taking an honest inventory of all your favorite attributes.

Unless you are using a hammer and nails, you shouldn't have to hit something to make it work the way you want it to. If you do, that just means you aren't smart enough to be in the position you are in. Use your head, not your hands or a belt.

Adhering to the above rules should help you set the example you need to for your child.

6. Music

To lighten the mood a bit lets talk about music. Our planet is covered in wonderful art and music of kinds. Also, most people that do not adhere to at least 4 of the top rules are most likely not going to adhere to this one. They are the lost souls. All I can say is that if you are grown man listening to music that sounds like a phone being dialed on top of a beat, you have got to get your shit together. I'm sure your stripper girlfriend loves it but when she leaves you for a real musician, maybe you will grow out of it. Electronic dance music is made for the mindless and inebriated. If that statement does not make sense to you then my point is proven. Also buying into the latest trendy music like Nickleback to Kanye is red flag. That is music made and distributed like McDonalds chicken nuggets. It's horrible for you and cheap and you should really chose something healthier. Have a little self respect. Pick up an old Johnny Cash or Black Sabbath album and grow a little.

7.  Automobiles

A real man will do what he needs to do to get around so he can take care of his business. Whether that is on a bus, a bike, or in a backfiring ticking time bomb in the form of an old Corrolla. You do what you have to do. I am not a car shamer. I am also not one of those fuck heads that are in some kind of life long dispute over whether or not Ford or Chevys are better. It seems like a wasted argument. So my only real advice comes to those of you that have the money are going out to intentionally buy the car you will be driving the next few years. If you are a grown ass man and you chose to drive a tiny import that sounds like a farting bumble bee. You have issues. Cars like clothes should serve function and not be purchased on the basis of improvement of social standing or to impress middle schoolers. You are not Paul Walker. Give up the dream. These are also the guys that drive them like fucking idiots. You can race me all the way to the next stop light bud. You're car may be faster but clearly from the choices you make, you aren't going very far.

8. Confidence

Along with respect for others a real man must possess some sort of self worth. Again I state that if you follow the above rules, you won't have a lot of trouble with this. Confidence is not shown by being a dickhead bully. Yeah I am talking to you guys driving giant jacked up trucks. These jackasses on the highway driving like they are the only people with somewhere to be. You need to calm the fuck down. Confidence is truly shown by not being affected by little things. Patience. Understanding and having a clear head at most times. If you have fight everyone you meet, you are clearly trying to keep people from realizing you have a tiny penis. You are also the guy that a real man will tear the fuck apart. Your posturing will one day get your ass kicked. No one likes a bully. You are not fooling anyone. Stand tall, feel good, but be a man about it.

9. Patriotism, Racism, and Faith

This is a hard one because everyone has a different view point and pretty much any thing anyone does will cause someone else to call them a trader, racist, or blasphemer. I survive this by not giving a shit what people say or think about me. See rule 8. Confidence. I don't do things that will hurt someone else because of some unsubstantiated belief I have. My beliefs are my business and at no time do I feel like I need to push them on you like a late night car commercial. And as far as I am concerned people can do whatever the fuck they want as long as they are not hurting me or the helpless. Real men do not use faith to impede the happiness or rights of other people simply because they chose to live a different lifestyle. Real men do not actively hate a group of people based the fact they are frightened by their culture. And real men do not look at their neighbor as a trader simply because they don't agree with the way things are done in society. Don't get me wrong, stereotypes exist for a reason. I wouldn't leave my car unlocked in a ghetto but I also wouldn't leave it unlocked in an East Texas trailer park either. I mean fuck that, I'm not an idiot. Every group of people have someone representing them that the would probably shut up if they could. Most times the idiots are the loudest too. But real men live and let live. Real men aren't afraid to understand something. Real men have the capacity to accept and love.

10. Social Media

There is nothing wrong with having a little privacy men. I post a lot on Facebook and the Twitters but most of it is nonsense like dick and fart jokes. I like getting a laugh out of people It's kind of what I do. But for God's sake, have some dignity when shit happens in your life. Don't get on Facebook and cry so that people can give you a nickle worth of sympathy. Man the fuck up and deal with it.

11.  Health

Lets start with food. It's the funny popular thing to do to pigeon hole men into steak wrapped in bacon eating neanderthals. However some of us want to live a little longer and not feel like shit all the time. But if you are going to be the guy that has taken a stance against every single meal other people choose to eat, then bring your own bean and bitch soup to my BBQ. Don't ask me if I will have healthy or vegan options. If I invited you to my BBQ, then that should pretty much tell what is on the menu. It's not everyone else's responsibility to make sure you eat like a fucking rabbit. That's on you. Good luck with it. But, men, most of us have people that depend on us. We have to get some vitamins and nutrients in us and shoving wads of fries into your gullet isn't going to keep you around very long. A real man can power through a salad. Come on, you can do it. When your belly is full of polups when you are 50 and someone has to change your shit bag, you will wish you had. Also everyone will hate you for it. Secondly, a real man can make pretty much anything taste good on the grill. If you can not do this, again I suggest you speak with your father or a father figure. Some men live pretty physically taxing lives as part of their jobs and are built like fucking buffalo. But a lot of us sit in an office chair all day every day, then we can't wait to leave so we can go home and sit in another chair and watch tv. Get off your ass gentlemen. Take a walk. Let that walk turn into a run. And maybe throw in some push ups. If you are working out to impress the ladies, then whatever. If you aren't adhering to the previous rules, you probably do not have nor will you get a good woman. But we all have people that think we are important and it is up to us as men to not let them down by turning into fat cancerous fucks that need our asses wiped.

12. Relationships

As real man Kenny Rogers would say, Know when to hold em. Know when to fold em. A real man can stick through some shit with his lady friend/or partner. He also has to know when shit is just toxic and its time to move on. And yeah that's right. I said partner. I hope that through out this blog you didn't get the impression I was implying that homosexual men can't be real men. Because they can and most are from my experience. I just wanted to note that for you out there that may have thought different. Though they must still apply these rules as well.

A real man will stick around and doesn't ask to be taken care of. In this current day and time there is nothing wrong with a 50/50 split of responsibility. That in fact is pretty common and the way I prefer it. I have no intention of turning my lady into some kind of home bound hopeless sap without goals. I love her success. I also have not intention of using her success and me being pregnant and barefoot in the kitchen either. We lean on each other at times but we support each other through thick and thin and that is the way it goes. I have not intention of baling at the first sign of trouble. Real men fight for what they love.

I don't take out my insecurities on her and make every single one of my self absorbed problems hers. She is a constant reminder why I need to improve and be better but she also reminds me that I need to do it for me and she will do it for her. It all just kind of works. But real men aren't mean to their women. They have taken the time to find someone that actually fits instead of conning someone into being with them just to try and change them later. If you can't celebrate who your partner is without trying to change them, you are with the wrong person. If you are constantly insecure, then maybe you aren't fighting your weight. Either improve or find someone that doesn't scare you. But you shouldn't treat someone like shit because you feel like shit.

Most people are in relationships just because they are afraid to be alone and I tell ya man that is bad road to go down.

You also can't be the guy that keeps one foot out of the door just in case you see some greener grass. If someone is committing to you, then you need reciprocate or leave. Don't drag someone along behind you because you are too much of a pussy to let them be happy without you. I can speak to this one because I did it and I feel horrible for it. Lesson learned though.

A real man never abuses verbally or physically. There is nothing more pussy than a boy that will show his dominance repeatedly to someone that isn't fighting back. That my friend is called a coward, and once again, real men catch tale that you are doing that and you mind yourself in bad way.





Conclusion-

The reality is that there are not real set of rules because life is nuts but we can of course all try to uphold some semblance of decency and self respect. Do what you do but be conscious of how it effects the people that love you. Pull your fucking pants up. Put on a shirt that fits, and go out there be a man. And try to leave the world a better place than you found it.