I thing this song, explains pretty well how it feels. Please listen.
You can say that suicide is selfish, but I think someone dedicating their life to bringing happiness and joy to so many people for so long, despite the pain, is probably the most noble and unselfish thing someone can do. Thank you Mr. Williams. You will be missed. Rest in Peace.
Depression is a topic I try to avoid here on the blog. Because, well, it's depressing. But, with the passing of a legend like Robin Williams, maybe we can broach the topic. Put simply, I want to talk to you folks that have strong opinions on the subject but a weak understanding of it.
This disease is often met with ignorance or pity but rarely understanding.
Monday morning, I woke up when my alarm went off and true to routine, like everyday, talked to God. Every morning before I put my feet on the floor, I tell God and the universe I am grateful. I am grateful to be alive and sober another day. But the minute I tried to lift my head from my pillow, a weight pulled it back down. My body was so heavy and my mind was just sad. My eyes couldn't stay open. I fell back asleep thinking I needed a little more time...but an hour later, same thing, 2 hours, same thing, 3 hours, same thing. I did this until 11am. I never do this. At 11am I made myself get up. But I was still so heavy. Today was going to be a rough one. I know this feeling and there is not a lot to do about it. "
Roll with the wave because it is coming whether you like it or not. This is going to hurt like hell but you have been here, it will be over soon enough." This is the conversation I have with myself. I am all too familiar with the pain. Depression is a battle I fight too.
I didn't do anything that day but sleep. I would let the TV lull me in and out of slumber. After sleeping all day, I went to bed at 7pm. I just needed to start over.
Right before bed is when I saw the news of Robin Williams.
Days like that happen less and less for me these days with sobriety combined with a healthier lifestyle, but they happen. The darkness that comes is indescribable. I am beyond crying. I am just submissive to it and have to ride it out. Although, I can say that I am one of the luckier people in the world that also has a fighting side to me. A side that even allows me to pick myself back up and carry on. It takes work but that side is getting stronger.
So for those of you that say "It's all in your head." -----Well no shit asshole. But it's not something you get to consciously control like holding in a fart. It's a disease. Maybe a little similar to how stupid people like you are. Hell maybe you can't help it either.
Depression is often combined with crippling addiction and self medicating. I know this because that is another battle I fight. I have been sober almost 11 months and I am nowhere near out of the woods on that. I have to diligently monitor my situation, surroundings, and feelings as well as throttle my activities as not to be put into bad situations and maintain perspective.
Everyday I wake up is a blessing, but it is also a war.
Depression can be kept at bay by medication and a healthier lifestyle. But it is always there. We have no illusion that one day it will just be gone and we will exist like everyone else. All we can do is fight and hope for those brief moments of clarity and peace. Just five minutes with a clear head. Sometimes we use laughter to keep the demons away. But we know they will be back. It is vicious.
Depression doesn't care if you have money and a great career. If it was a simple as waking up, counting your blessings, and getting along with your day then we wouldn't be here right now. It is a chemical imbalance. It hurts. It hurts your mind, your body, your sole. It hurts all the way down to you very existences sometimes. So the comments about how someone that is rich can kill themselves because they have money, are just ignorant. People that say that are idiots and most likely absorb themselves in reality shows and sports because they have no true grasp on reality anyway. You can buy this stuff away. There is no amount of money that will change who you are or the way your brain works.
Take away the madness and you take away the genius.
Some people, like Robin Williams, Kurt Cobain, and even myself have built our lives around the talent that comes with our sickness. I have been told that I am funny and could probably have a future in that. Most comedians are sick. Depression has also given me keen insight into how people work and that makes me a successful salesman. Sometimes, you can't escape it because it is just a part of who you are and a part of what people expect from you.
Treatment for depression is difficult. Yes it is easier to get treatment if you have money. Although obviously not always effective. But for someone like me, my insurance gives me constant shit about covering my medication and it is expensive. It is even harder to find a doctor or counselor that even accepts insurance. So with $150 per hour rates, that route is a little out of my league. This forces me to read and work and fight. Mental illness is not looked at like other things or even a priority in America because we think we can white knuckle through anything. If I wanted to go get pills to make my dick hard, that is covered. If I want to go find peace...that is not covered.
For those of you that against doctors and into alternative treatments. Let me stop you right there. I don't get to go sit naked in my yard listening to bird sounds, take some fig leaf, and drink tea and then this will magically disappear. Weed isn't the answer either. It does help with symptoms but it's not even close to being an answer. I don't a vacation for a couple hours. I want this chemical imbalance in my bread to be fixed. Don't be so self righteous. You are just as bad as everyone else.
I guess what it comes down to is that this is real. This is something that people lose the battle with all the time and even those of us fighting hard may even succumb to one day. Some days are better than others.
You can't judge someone based on how you think life is. If you think money is the answer, then keep listening to Kanye West and keep you mouth shut. You are an idiot. Money helps, but that makes the situation even sadder. It takes understanding and awareness and the powers that be to get involved and say that is serious and we are going to try to help. This is a real disease. Sometimes something causes it, and sometimes it is just hardwired into someone when they are born. Sometimes it is a combination of both.
If you are struggling, I am always happy to talk or to not talk and just sit so you don't have to be alone. My hand is always out for you.
I am glad that Robin Williams tragic death has helped to start this dialogue. Maybe, like with depression, talking about it can help.
Thanks guys,
Try to be understanding.
This song is to all my friends that constantly help keep my head above water. I love you guys.
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