I typically look at most relationships with a pretty cynical eye. I see most of them as to unequally yolked people doing their best to make it work because they don't want to be lonely. Let's face it, most people will suffer great pains to avoid being alone. In our society we simply aren't cut out to be without someone else stealing the covers at night or saying they are hungry but declining all your ideas for dinner. Hollywood has taught us that there is magic in meeting someone and the love you feel in the first 6 months of a relationship is the same love you will feel for years to come. In the back of our minds we know this isn't true but we intrepidly move forward anyway.
It is hard when most of the time people want to talk about the pains they are going through in the relationship but it's just disgusting when they talk about how good it is. Which brings me to a side note...If you relationship is really great, you probably wouldn't be posting on facebook about how great it is all the time. Constant Facebook posts of heartfelt hallmark expressions of love and kissing pictures are a true sign that something is amiss and we all know it. Just food for thought.
Since we know most people are settling to avoid certain solitude, we can also assume that when the new car smell wears off, people start doing some window shopping. Maybe some flirting with an ex sweetheart, co-worker, or just an overall scoundrel like flirting with everyone. Men are more prone to this feeling than women but women are far from being off the hook. Men try to do it on the sly and women have their "friendzone" safety guys to validate that they still "Have it".
Most people have the self control and fight the urge and remain faithful to the bitter end. Whether or not that bitter end is until death do them part or a melodramatic break up with play by plays on social media for all to see. Some give in to the temptation as I did in previous relationships. Some people just need to take it a step too far and instead of handling things like they should...they cheat. There are many different kinds of cheating and we can get into those another day.
But this is a modern society and we innovate. Far gone are the days of Mad Men where you can have your mistress in the city and your lovely wife at home in the burbs. Now it's all or nothing. Resist your primal urges, do not speak of them, repress these ideas OR cheat and fuck everything up. However some forward thinking folks have looked at the idea of a HALL PASS. The idea of letting ones partner cheat with immunity under a set of guidelines. This interests me.
See we are not built in America to really let shit slide like that. There are swinger couples and open relationships and things like that, sure. Most of the time these are not super well adjusted people or attractive at all. The reality is that the average American my like the novelty of this idea but it would absolutely kill them to think that just for one night they do not own the genitalia of their partner. Whether their partner loves them dearly, would die for them, and will always be by their side, the thought of the physical act of sex with another human being is the ultimate betrayal. This is weird because in my mind, indifference or abuse would be way worse but that is not what the TV says so we have to put infidelity first. Does the idea that your partner is aware of the fling and there are rules put around change things? I mean, can someone truly overlook that? Lets assume for argument sake that someone can. What rules would there have to be to make this work? I have thought long and hard on these rules and have listed them below. Please enjoy.
Hall Pass Rules:
1. This is obvious and has to be rule #1. Use protection. I know we all prefer to go without it but that kind of humping has to be reserved for your significant other. You have worked hard to build the trust that the other person is disease free and not trying to get pregnant. Plus there has to be a barrier in the intimacy that only exists with you and your partner. Also..don't be gross.
2. The hall pass can not be used as a way to conquer an old crush. Really it can't be anyone you know or interact with on a regular basis. No old crushes, no coworkers, no friends. This will only breed resentment and weirdness. Trust me, I have been there. It's as awkward as farting at a funeral afterward. Also, conjuring up old feelings for a crush defeats the purpose of just being primal and getting some strange. Let it go. You have to find someone new. This will let you know you still have your abilities as a hunter and give you some release.
3.What's good for the goose is good for the gander. You know why guys are considered studs when they bang a lot of women but women are considered sluts if they do it? Because guys made the rules. Gentleman we are kings of the double standard. This does not apply here. If either partner is going to ask for this privilege, be ready to reciprocate. If you can't do that, then take what you are feeling and apply that to what your partner must be feeling at the same time.
4. A Hall Pass, like in middle school, cannot be abused. It is for rare occasion. My suggestion is maybe once a year, not around birthdays or holidays. You can agree on the time frame and date and then plan around it.
5. Location is everything. Don't shit where you eat. Just like not fucking someone you know or that is close to your circle of influence, it is best to take this shit out of town. Take a day trip if possible to another city do you hunting somewhere else. Do you have business trip or something coming up? If you don't go out of town, at least go far across the city. This is a one time thing that you don't want haunting you. Also, you aren't going to want to leave temptation facing an open door for round 2. Last, if this does blow up in your face, which it probably will, you don't want your partner having access to that poor soul caught up in your weird relationship shenanigans.
6. One shot, one kill. After the agreed upon date, you have one chance to get this done. There are no redo's or second chances. Go out, get it done, get it over with. You have 24 hours.
7. You must improvise. You cannot plan, strategize, or work on this any other time than the one day set aside for the Hall Pass. You can't go around flirting and courting up possible prospects all the time. This includes hook up websites. You have to live everyday but that day as a faithful partner, true to your love. When you go outside of that date, that is just cheating. This is a one night stand. You have to go out and use your skills and suave to get it done in one day. I am not sure what the policy on hookers is. So just like hunting, you can't cage your deer so that you can shoot it later. If you go out and blow it, too bad. You have no game and are lucky that you have someone at home that is willing to bang you occasionally. If you are not able to hook up with someone as hot or hotter than your partner, then you should be thankful that you have someone that is better looking than what you could get now. This part will probably be pretty humbling. If you don't care...Happy Hog Hunting!
8. You made your bed, lie in it. This rule is one that I am certain will not be followed. Once the deed is done, it cannot be talked about. This means that if you allow you partner to go out and do their thing, you don't get to ask questions after it is over. This also means you do not get to bring it up in later fights or arguments. You allowed it. Live with it. On the flipside, if your partner was so gracious/stupid to have let you do this, you cannot use it later for the upper hand in an argument or as ammo to hurt that person. This really just gets into not having a very good relationship in the first place.
9. Leave it alone. Once you have gone out and hooked up and done the one night pants carnival, you don't get to stay in contact with that person. There will be no friending on the Facespace or keeping of phone numbers. Remember that open door to temptation I talked about? That fucker will come back and hit you in the ass if you aren't careful. What's done is done. That's that.
10. Respect. Respect that someone loves you enough to let you go out and get a little primal validation. Don't look at this as you window to a world of new opportunity. Chances are you will not find someone this cool if you leave. Look at what you have and use it to love your partner anymore and remember to give a little more effort next time you visit Poundtown together.
These are my rules the way that I see them. I obviously do not recommend seriously approaching this idea. In a previous relationship I did and it did not turn out well for anyone. We all have needs, urges, and freaky deakys need love too, but we have to face the fact that in our society, we are prudes and something like this is hard to pull off, let alone live with. If it does work out for you, let me know. Who knows? Maybe lightening the fuck up will help save some relationships.
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