13 Years Later

13 years ago our country was delivered a devastating blow at the hands of extreme militant cowards.

It is one of those events that burns into your mind and you can remember the exactly where you were and what you were doing when it happened. It was terrifying, stunning, and deeply depressing. For this reason I never care to relive that day in any form. I don't watch movies about what happened, including the conspiracy films. I don't watch the videos of the crashes. I don't relive it in the form of news or radio broadcasts from that day. The memory I have is all that I need. Also, frankly, I don't care where you were or what you were doing that day either. It doesn't matter. I don't need to feel what I felt that day over and over.

I don't need to feel it because the effects of that day are still rippling through our nation and every cultural nook and cranny of our society.

For a brief moment we were brought together in a wave of patriotism and a wonderful feeling as one nation, one community. But all of that quickly dissipated and we starting seeing the flags that once flew proudly from car windows being run over on the freeway. Patriotism went from being a sense of pride for our country to being an outlet for anger, intolerance, and hatred. That day became a sound bite or politicians to use for campaign gains. It became a banner for our backwood rejects to wave around and wear on t-shirts, without actually offering anything to truly better our country. We swiftly became polarized, No one can remember that day without spitting out some kind garbled mess laced with political points of view. You have to sit through conservative propaganda or liberal conspiracy anytime the subject is broached. It is a dishonor to all of those that needlessly lost their lives.

Now we live in fear and the events of 9/11/01 are the spring board for all kinds rhetoric that will label you a trader or blasphemer if you disagree with any agenda even ones having nothing to do with that day.

Since then our society has deeply dumbed itself down. We waste hours of our lives watching rich people live theirs through scripted nonsense we call reality TV. We made a backwoods hillbilly child a start so we could gawk are her like an animal and we follow intently what rich people all over the world are doing. As long as they are fucking and fighting, we stay glued to the TV. If I were to ask someone what the latest was in the world of the Kardashians, I would surely be in for a half hour run down of relationship and new product line updates. If I asked what was going in the war that everyone so adamantly loves to express opinions on, they would regurgitate whatever they heard last from their brief passing look at their news station of choice but that would be about it. We are only conveniently concerned.

Our political and religious agendas stand squarely in the way of any innovation or progress. Grid lock is the norm for our government. This is on any issue that doesn't have to do with rich people getting richer. I think all politicians agree that the rich stay rich. At least we have that. We will stick to the script until it all blows up in our face.

In the private sector people are claiming to build empires based on trends and market research as opposed to taking any risks with ingenuity or innovation. Take an old idea and put the swagger on it then sell it to the product hungry consumer zombies that are haunting the floors of every mall in America. Bombard the masses with needless objects that will keep them glued to their TVs and applauded by their equally brain dead friends.

Our entertainment industry is designed to keep us seated and sedated and stupid. About as deep as people want to look into music are songs about big asses, fucking, money, and the recovery from a broken relationship. Music that has inspired introspection is now just about being self centered. Only repetitive beats, manufactured specifically to what the industry knows you subconscious will respond to and lyrics that inspire you to do whatever can to improve your social standing or get over a lost lover. As long as we can get drunk and dance to it, we are fine. Just don't make us think.

People are obsessed with relationships but no one knows how to make one work. I almost expect when I meet a family for some of the kids to not look like both parents. What we fail to realize is all that nonsense from movies and music we eat is garbage and real life does not end on two people kissing atop a skyscraper or in the rain at sunset.

We complain constantly about our food but the majority of our population still gravitate to drive thrus and eat meals from paper bags. Then we claim to have no personal responsibility for this decision. We are corrupted and held captive by corporations. We are completely comfortable with the fact that someone else is making our decisions. We want to be free but we want the government to step in and make these corporations stop making our decisions...it doesn't make sense.

If we aren't blaming corporations, we are blaming the government and no one turns their finger toward themselves. No one really stands up to do anything about. We have become a nation of slacktivists where the lengths we will go is only as far as our social media pages will let us. We think that clicking and reposting is the answer. We hold this act up as a way to raise awareness. We are all more aware of things than ever before but no one is actually active. We will repost but we won't donate. We will dump cold water on our heads to keep from donating. We will tell of the struggles of the impoverished and less fortunate but we will not volunteer our precious TV time to actually helping.

We are in a constant state of fear and war, poverty, and sickness but yet we have people that principled stances on things like public breast feeding. We are secure from outside threats of terrorism but our own police force have turn into abusive bullies with little to no accountability. Our schools are run like prisons, and at home kids are treated like accessories or extensions of their parents style and we can't seem to understand how we are failing our youth. But still, lets sign a petition that says women can breastfeed in restaurants. Divert your attention from the bigger issues and lets work on our pettiness.

Where once we were united as one nation with a common enemy, now we are back to our old ways with racism and hatred. Racism is a game no one will ever win in this country. There are so many hateful biased people on one side and on the other it doesn't matter what you do or say you are racist. For me, being white, I have to watch what I say or do and tolerate the reversal in racism. We justify this through "Well you started it" policy. So I must pay for the sins of true ignorant bigots. Also, I am not allowed to have an opinion about things that directly affect me if it has to do with another race. No one can accept that we all have biases and that is not going to change. No one seems to want to accept that you are perceived by how you present yourself and that if you don't want to be thought of a certain way then you should probably not act the way you do. This is a across the board for every race, gender, or sexual orientation. And if you want people to take your cause seriously, then you need to take yourself seriously.

I think that basically what I am getting at here is that 9/11 for me was horrific and I had hopes that the country as a whole would work to become greater afterward, but we haven't. Somewhere along the way we sold our souls for security and toys. Memorials are sponsored by corporate pirates and we run out to buy their shit as fast as we can. We have developed an uncanny ability to live in denial about the true state of our union. We keep our heads buried so deep in bullshit that we have lost our ability to do actual great things. Now we just buy things and watch things, get fat, and hate people. Bullets and social media have become the new national pass times. We were once a nation of great men and women and now we are a bitter hole that celebrate pregnant teenagers and worship narcissism.

My brother and my father both went over seas to fight. I am not for a second discounting the sacrifices they made for what they believe in and our country. I am however saying that I wish they could have come home and known they fought for something a little better than what we have now.

So while you are reminiscing and taking this opportunity to let all your friends know just how much you love your country, think about how you could make it better. Think about how you could do something with your life that would reflect in a positive light what it is to be American. Think of someway you could be looked at with pride as opposed to an ever inflating fast food fueled mall fiend.

I love my country. I like the idea of what we have. I just feel the bright light is fading. What could you do to make your country better? What could you do to show that we have prevailed over this evil? What can we do?

God Bless America.

Depression And Carrying the Weight of a Heavy Heart

I thing this song, explains pretty well how it feels. Please listen.

You can say that suicide is selfish, but I think someone dedicating their life to bringing happiness and joy to so many people for so long, despite the pain, is probably the most noble and unselfish thing someone can do. Thank you Mr. Williams. You will be missed. Rest in Peace.

Depression is a topic I try to avoid here on the blog. Because, well, it's depressing. But, with the passing of a legend like Robin Williams, maybe we can broach the topic. Put simply, I want to talk to you folks that have strong opinions on the subject but a weak understanding of it.

This disease is often met with ignorance or pity but rarely understanding.

Monday morning, I woke up when my alarm went off and true to routine, like everyday, talked to God. Every morning before I put my feet on the floor, I tell God and the universe I am grateful. I am grateful to be alive and sober another day. But the minute I tried to lift my head from my pillow, a weight pulled it back down. My body was so heavy and my mind was just sad. My eyes couldn't stay open. I fell back asleep thinking I needed a little more time...but an hour later, same thing, 2 hours, same thing, 3 hours, same thing. I did this until 11am. I never do this. At 11am I made myself get up. But I was still so heavy. Today was going to be a rough one. I know this feeling and there is not a lot to do about it. "

Roll with the wave because it is coming whether you like it or not. This is going to hurt like hell but you have been here, it will be over soon enough." This is the conversation I have with myself. I am all too familiar with the pain. Depression is a battle I fight too.

I didn't do anything that day but sleep. I would let the TV lull me in and out of slumber. After sleeping all day, I went to bed at 7pm. I just needed to start over.

Right before bed is when I saw the news of Robin Williams.

Days like that happen less and less for me these days with sobriety combined with a healthier lifestyle, but they happen. The darkness that comes is indescribable. I am beyond crying. I am just submissive to it and have to ride it out. Although, I can say that I am one of the luckier people in the world that also has a fighting side to me. A side that even allows me to pick myself back up and carry on. It takes work but that side is getting stronger.

So for those of you that say "It's all in your head." -----Well no shit asshole. But it's not something you get to consciously control like holding in a fart. It's a disease. Maybe a little similar to how stupid people like you are. Hell maybe you can't help it either.

Depression is often combined with crippling addiction and self medicating. I know this because that is another battle I fight. I have been sober almost 11 months and I am nowhere near out of the woods on that. I have to diligently monitor my situation, surroundings, and feelings as well as throttle my activities as not to be put into bad situations and maintain perspective.

Everyday I wake up is a blessing, but it is also a war.

Depression can be kept at bay by medication and a healthier lifestyle. But it is always there. We have no illusion that one day it will just be gone and we will exist like everyone else. All we can do is fight and hope for those brief moments of clarity and peace. Just five minutes with a clear head. Sometimes we use laughter to keep the demons away. But we know they will be back. It is vicious.

Depression doesn't care if you have money and a great career. If it was a simple as waking up, counting your blessings, and getting along with your day then we wouldn't be here right now. It is a chemical imbalance. It hurts. It hurts your mind, your body, your sole. It hurts all the way down to you very existences sometimes. So the comments about how someone that is rich can kill themselves because they have money, are just ignorant. People that say that are idiots and most likely absorb themselves in reality shows and sports because they have no true grasp on reality anyway. You can buy this stuff away. There is no amount of money that will change who you are or the way your brain works.




Take away the madness and you take away the genius.

Some people, like Robin Williams, Kurt Cobain, and even myself have built our lives around the talent that comes with our sickness. I have been told that I am funny and could probably have a future in that. Most comedians are sick. Depression has also given me keen insight into how people work and that makes me a successful salesman. Sometimes, you can't escape it because it is just a part of who you are and a part of what people expect from you.

Treatment for depression is difficult. Yes it is easier to get treatment if you have money. Although obviously not always effective. But for someone like me, my insurance gives me constant shit about covering my medication and it is expensive. It is even harder to find a doctor or counselor that even accepts insurance. So with $150 per hour rates, that route is a little out of my league. This forces me to read and work and fight. Mental illness is not looked at like other things or even a priority in America because we think we can white knuckle through anything. If I wanted to go get pills to make my dick hard, that is covered. If I want to go find peace...that is not covered.

For those of you that against doctors and into alternative treatments. Let me stop you right there. I don't get to go sit naked in my yard listening to bird sounds, take some fig leaf, and drink tea and then this will magically disappear. Weed isn't the answer either. It does help with symptoms but it's not even close to being an answer. I don't a vacation for a couple hours. I want this chemical imbalance in my bread to be fixed. Don't be so self righteous. You are just as bad as everyone else.

I guess what it comes down to is that this is real. This is something that people lose the battle with all the time and even those of us fighting hard may even succumb to one day. Some days are better than others.

You can't judge someone based on how you think life is. If you think money is the answer, then keep listening to Kanye West and keep you mouth shut. You are an idiot. Money helps, but that makes the situation even sadder. It takes understanding and awareness and the powers that be to get involved and say that is serious and we are going to try to help. This is a real disease. Sometimes something causes it, and sometimes it is just hardwired into someone when they are born. Sometimes it is a combination of both.

If you are struggling, I am always happy to talk or to not talk and just sit so you don't have to be alone. My hand is always out for you.

I am glad that Robin Williams tragic death has helped to start this dialogue. Maybe, like with depression, talking about it can help.

Thanks guys,


Try to be understanding.


This song is to all my friends that constantly help keep my head above water. I love you guys.



 

Basic Man Rules for Increasingly Bizarre and Childish Society

Freedom son, is a dirty shirt. The sun on my face and a shovel in the dirt. A shovel in the dirt keeps the devil gone... - Bruce Springsteen







We live in different times than our surly grandfathers. The world has shifted in a lot of areas that no longer require the stone jaw and leather skin of the old west to get us through life. This is for sure. We have laid down our guns and picked up pens and mobile devices in their place. The world is evolving and that is ok. I'd like to live past the ripe old age of 35 and it not say "Taken By Consumption" on my tombstone. So some of the rules have changed. The dynamic is different. But there are still basic principles all men must live by. If we abandon these principles then humanity is doomed. To tell you the truth, I am not sure how much hope we have. I hope this can help. Below is a list of the rules a man must do his best to adhere to. Some of you may need to take off your pastel shorts and get comfortable. A lesson needs to be learned here.


1. Appropriate Dress and Attire for a Man

We may as well start here because in Austin TX, this is the biggest offender of manliness to date. Under no circumstances  should you for any reason wear skinny jeans. By some fucking pants that fit you smelly asshole. This goes for the filthy hipster types and you douche bag dance club sissys. Grown men everywhere do not care to see the silhouette of your tiny camel nose, nor do we want to walk behind an adult that appears to have shit in his pants. This is unacceptable.

See as men, we should dress for function and comfort. If you are sassy man obsessed with keeping up with the latest trends in order to improve your higher social standing or to appear more appealing to partner of your choice, you are doing it wrong. If you are over the age of 25 and still doing this, all hope may be lost. You should contact your father or a father figure and try to trace your steps back to where you went wrong. No one takes you seriously dressed like a high school freshman.

This should also include shirts with passive aggressive political statements. Don't be that guy. If you believe something, actually do something about it. Don't spend $20 on a made in China shirt to tell passing citizens of your disdain of whatever pussy issue you have taken stake in. We don't care and it won't change our minds. This goes for conservatives and liberals.

If you are wearing shoes that can't get dirty then you better be going to a church for a funeral or wedding or a job interview. I think when people in the 80's started killing other people for their shoes, it was just an attempt to get you assholes to stop this madness. If you want to impress a 15 year old girl with your shiny new high tops, then go ahead but I don't think they allow Jordans in prison.

2. Facial Hair / Head Hair

Again, we are not in post Civil War American and we have the ability to trim and shave as we please. We also have the right to let it grow out and make ZZ Top proud. Some men prefer the clean shaven look and that is great. Some of us have trimmed and shaped beards. Some enjoy the wooliness of wild man beard and that is awesome. The only real rule here is to commit. That little line down your face and around your chin shit has got to go. That is the equivalent  of drawn on Chola eyebrows. It is nonsense. You also may not shave designs into your face and head. In the words of Jack Donaghey from 30 Rock, "Your hair is your head suit." Man up. Current or future employers will not appreciate your swirly line design on your dome. Unless of course you have a real passion for deep fryers. You must also admit when something is a lost cause. If your mustache is growing in and looks like a thin film of fruit mold after a few weeks of trying. Just give up. Some of us just can't pull off the Sellek. Not your fault, but move on. Lastly, at least make an attempt to keep it clean. No one wants to smell that mess man.

Note: Any and all man points are null and void when a beard is combined with skinny jeans.

3. Jobs/Careers

Get a fucking job. A real man should at least be self sufficient if not take care of his own. You don't have to be a CEO or keeping chasing that fucking hopeless dream of being the big talent in your favorite medium. A real man will take what job he needs to to sustain himself and take care of his priorities. There is no shame in flipping burgers or putting your back into some labor work. If you are working, you are doing it right. Real men don't live off handouts and favors. Pick up a book and learn a trade. The library is free. We all need help sometimes. That is ok. But when you borrow, you should be grateful and fully intend to return the favor in full within a reasonable amount of time. If you ain't got a job, don't even think about asking me for money for any reason, especially nonsense kickstarter campaigns. Try to adhere to the first two rules to help you along with this one.

A little subtext to this is that every man should have a basic understand and handle on minor repairs and projects. It is not acceptable for a man to have to call a contractor to his house to fix minor things like leaky faucets, broken windows, or to mow the lawn. Get your ass up and get your self a well furnished tool box, and learn to do something with your hands besides jerking off.

4. Women / Elders

Chivalry is not dead gentlemen. When you can, hold the door for a lady. Unless she's a bitch, then wait until she almost grabs it and let it go. This isn't the world of King Authors court, but we must at least try to be polite and kind when we have a chance. A man that is secure in himself is not threatened by humbling himself into doing something nice for someone in passing. Strength of character is just as important as your precious pectoral muscles you so diligently work on and creepily stare at in the mirror. Grow a pair and show some respect. Every man can be a leader and true leaders take care of people. Friends, strangers, family...Everyone.

5. Children

I don't care if you are an oil field rough neck, an MMA fighter, or you work in an office, when a two year old hands you a toy phone, you answer that motherfucker. A real man understands that children are our future and one day will be deciding our fate as we soak in the glow of television with shit in our pants. If not just because it's the right thing to do, it is the smart thing to do. Our children's safety, happiness, and overall well being should be our priority. This does not mean that you walk on egg shells around the little tyke. You show them how the world works, teach them, and set an example. It is really disappointing to see a grown man in a grocery store losing a dispute with a small child as the world looks on. You are the man and should have already earned and demanded that rug rats respect. Get it together. No one wants to go out to eat and listen to your little shit cry while trying to enjoy an entree. You can't reason with a kid like you would an adult. You know why? BECAUSE THEY AREN'T FUCKING ADULTS!

The only thing more disappointing than watching that fiasco unfold is seeing a grown man hit a kid. This isn't very popular but I am against spankings. I know the argument that spanking is different than beating but the same principle applies. I will have several people living in trailer houses, with no money, or future tell me how their parents did it and they turned out ok. Well, no you fucking didn't. Unless you just have really low standards. Argue this with me and I will tear you apart but taking an honest inventory of all your favorite attributes.

Unless you are using a hammer and nails, you shouldn't have to hit something to make it work the way you want it to. If you do, that just means you aren't smart enough to be in the position you are in. Use your head, not your hands or a belt.

Adhering to the above rules should help you set the example you need to for your child.

6. Music

To lighten the mood a bit lets talk about music. Our planet is covered in wonderful art and music of kinds. Also, most people that do not adhere to at least 4 of the top rules are most likely not going to adhere to this one. They are the lost souls. All I can say is that if you are grown man listening to music that sounds like a phone being dialed on top of a beat, you have got to get your shit together. I'm sure your stripper girlfriend loves it but when she leaves you for a real musician, maybe you will grow out of it. Electronic dance music is made for the mindless and inebriated. If that statement does not make sense to you then my point is proven. Also buying into the latest trendy music like Nickleback to Kanye is red flag. That is music made and distributed like McDonalds chicken nuggets. It's horrible for you and cheap and you should really chose something healthier. Have a little self respect. Pick up an old Johnny Cash or Black Sabbath album and grow a little.

7.  Automobiles

A real man will do what he needs to do to get around so he can take care of his business. Whether that is on a bus, a bike, or in a backfiring ticking time bomb in the form of an old Corrolla. You do what you have to do. I am not a car shamer. I am also not one of those fuck heads that are in some kind of life long dispute over whether or not Ford or Chevys are better. It seems like a wasted argument. So my only real advice comes to those of you that have the money are going out to intentionally buy the car you will be driving the next few years. If you are a grown ass man and you chose to drive a tiny import that sounds like a farting bumble bee. You have issues. Cars like clothes should serve function and not be purchased on the basis of improvement of social standing or to impress middle schoolers. You are not Paul Walker. Give up the dream. These are also the guys that drive them like fucking idiots. You can race me all the way to the next stop light bud. You're car may be faster but clearly from the choices you make, you aren't going very far.

8. Confidence

Along with respect for others a real man must possess some sort of self worth. Again I state that if you follow the above rules, you won't have a lot of trouble with this. Confidence is not shown by being a dickhead bully. Yeah I am talking to you guys driving giant jacked up trucks. These jackasses on the highway driving like they are the only people with somewhere to be. You need to calm the fuck down. Confidence is truly shown by not being affected by little things. Patience. Understanding and having a clear head at most times. If you have fight everyone you meet, you are clearly trying to keep people from realizing you have a tiny penis. You are also the guy that a real man will tear the fuck apart. Your posturing will one day get your ass kicked. No one likes a bully. You are not fooling anyone. Stand tall, feel good, but be a man about it.

9. Patriotism, Racism, and Faith

This is a hard one because everyone has a different view point and pretty much any thing anyone does will cause someone else to call them a trader, racist, or blasphemer. I survive this by not giving a shit what people say or think about me. See rule 8. Confidence. I don't do things that will hurt someone else because of some unsubstantiated belief I have. My beliefs are my business and at no time do I feel like I need to push them on you like a late night car commercial. And as far as I am concerned people can do whatever the fuck they want as long as they are not hurting me or the helpless. Real men do not use faith to impede the happiness or rights of other people simply because they chose to live a different lifestyle. Real men do not actively hate a group of people based the fact they are frightened by their culture. And real men do not look at their neighbor as a trader simply because they don't agree with the way things are done in society. Don't get me wrong, stereotypes exist for a reason. I wouldn't leave my car unlocked in a ghetto but I also wouldn't leave it unlocked in an East Texas trailer park either. I mean fuck that, I'm not an idiot. Every group of people have someone representing them that the would probably shut up if they could. Most times the idiots are the loudest too. But real men live and let live. Real men aren't afraid to understand something. Real men have the capacity to accept and love.

10. Social Media

There is nothing wrong with having a little privacy men. I post a lot on Facebook and the Twitters but most of it is nonsense like dick and fart jokes. I like getting a laugh out of people It's kind of what I do. But for God's sake, have some dignity when shit happens in your life. Don't get on Facebook and cry so that people can give you a nickle worth of sympathy. Man the fuck up and deal with it.

11.  Health

Lets start with food. It's the funny popular thing to do to pigeon hole men into steak wrapped in bacon eating neanderthals. However some of us want to live a little longer and not feel like shit all the time. But if you are going to be the guy that has taken a stance against every single meal other people choose to eat, then bring your own bean and bitch soup to my BBQ. Don't ask me if I will have healthy or vegan options. If I invited you to my BBQ, then that should pretty much tell what is on the menu. It's not everyone else's responsibility to make sure you eat like a fucking rabbit. That's on you. Good luck with it. But, men, most of us have people that depend on us. We have to get some vitamins and nutrients in us and shoving wads of fries into your gullet isn't going to keep you around very long. A real man can power through a salad. Come on, you can do it. When your belly is full of polups when you are 50 and someone has to change your shit bag, you will wish you had. Also everyone will hate you for it. Secondly, a real man can make pretty much anything taste good on the grill. If you can not do this, again I suggest you speak with your father or a father figure. Some men live pretty physically taxing lives as part of their jobs and are built like fucking buffalo. But a lot of us sit in an office chair all day every day, then we can't wait to leave so we can go home and sit in another chair and watch tv. Get off your ass gentlemen. Take a walk. Let that walk turn into a run. And maybe throw in some push ups. If you are working out to impress the ladies, then whatever. If you aren't adhering to the previous rules, you probably do not have nor will you get a good woman. But we all have people that think we are important and it is up to us as men to not let them down by turning into fat cancerous fucks that need our asses wiped.

12. Relationships

As real man Kenny Rogers would say, Know when to hold em. Know when to fold em. A real man can stick through some shit with his lady friend/or partner. He also has to know when shit is just toxic and its time to move on. And yeah that's right. I said partner. I hope that through out this blog you didn't get the impression I was implying that homosexual men can't be real men. Because they can and most are from my experience. I just wanted to note that for you out there that may have thought different. Though they must still apply these rules as well.

A real man will stick around and doesn't ask to be taken care of. In this current day and time there is nothing wrong with a 50/50 split of responsibility. That in fact is pretty common and the way I prefer it. I have no intention of turning my lady into some kind of home bound hopeless sap without goals. I love her success. I also have not intention of using her success and me being pregnant and barefoot in the kitchen either. We lean on each other at times but we support each other through thick and thin and that is the way it goes. I have not intention of baling at the first sign of trouble. Real men fight for what they love.

I don't take out my insecurities on her and make every single one of my self absorbed problems hers. She is a constant reminder why I need to improve and be better but she also reminds me that I need to do it for me and she will do it for her. It all just kind of works. But real men aren't mean to their women. They have taken the time to find someone that actually fits instead of conning someone into being with them just to try and change them later. If you can't celebrate who your partner is without trying to change them, you are with the wrong person. If you are constantly insecure, then maybe you aren't fighting your weight. Either improve or find someone that doesn't scare you. But you shouldn't treat someone like shit because you feel like shit.

Most people are in relationships just because they are afraid to be alone and I tell ya man that is bad road to go down.

You also can't be the guy that keeps one foot out of the door just in case you see some greener grass. If someone is committing to you, then you need reciprocate or leave. Don't drag someone along behind you because you are too much of a pussy to let them be happy without you. I can speak to this one because I did it and I feel horrible for it. Lesson learned though.

A real man never abuses verbally or physically. There is nothing more pussy than a boy that will show his dominance repeatedly to someone that isn't fighting back. That my friend is called a coward, and once again, real men catch tale that you are doing that and you mind yourself in bad way.





Conclusion-

The reality is that there are not real set of rules because life is nuts but we can of course all try to uphold some semblance of decency and self respect. Do what you do but be conscious of how it effects the people that love you. Pull your fucking pants up. Put on a shirt that fits, and go out there be a man. And try to leave the world a better place than you found it.

Weight Loss Information Overload!

Yeah I know a lot of my recent entries are about fitness and healthy living. Well, I write about what I am going through because that is what's happening in my brain.

When it comes to fitness and healthy living there is a lot of information out there. There are a ton of people that want to help and offer advice. Some of these people know what they are talking about. In fact, they know too much and it is annoying. Then there are the folks that are still super unhealthy but still for some reason think that the advice they have to offer is somehow valuable in some way. More annoying. So let's start with them.

There are certain topics of conversation that everyone has some kind of input in. Wondering what is wrong with your car? Post it on Facebook and suddenly all your friends are mechanics or they know a guy. Have some obscure legal issue? Bring that up and everyone you know becomes a lawyer. Want to lose weight? Well everyone that owns a tv or has internet access thinks they are fucking Julian Michaels or something. From there permanent roots on the couch or in their chair, they will spill all kinds of advice, info, and not well researched internet sputum all over you. They will justify this advice as someone they know did it and it worked or they had done in their past and it were successful. This is often followed by the excuse as to why they are not doing it now.

"Well since the baby..."
"I just work too much..."
"Since I got sick..."

And the list goes on. They should google articles on how to overcome making lame excuses. Getting in shape and healthy is hard and I am not going to listen to someone in worse shape than me give me advice on how to better my situation. I don't go to McDonalds expecting to find some healthy food. So if you are that person, shut the fuck up. I know you want to be a part of the conversation and come across smart. The thing is, you have to earn that. Go work out, eat healthy, and struggle with all the mental bullshit that comes with the lifestyle and then you can join the group. Until then, shove another cheesey poof in your mouth and watch TV quietly.



The second group of people are the that are already and always have been in shape. Now these people do come to the table with some credibility. Obviously they have the shit worked out, they have good habits, and probably know a few tricks of the trade. What they do not know is the struggle of going from being fat and out of shape to making better decisions, changing your habits, and working out the mechanics of everything you fucking do every day. People like me have had to completely change the way we think. We started at a deficit. And while we love hearing tips, advice, and best practices, it can become a little overbearing when someone doesn't understand why you don't just immediately get it or change instantly. A good portion of this is mental and emotional. We are becoming different people. Before you start spouting off how easy it is, remember that you didn't start where we did. Lend a hand, be encouraging, but know when to back the fuck off.


The last group can include people that have lost the weight or the people that have always been healthy. But these people are the people that will flood you with information, tips, advice, tricks, and so on. It never ends. And once you think you have tackled one challenge, their "help" tends to make you think you have taken a step back. These are the extremists.

You eat a banana and they will tell you that you ate the wrong kind of banana at the wrong time of day with the wrong hand at the wrong house on the wrong planet.

Fuck you.

The reality is that people that struggle with weight issues are professional rationalizers and excuse makers. Sorry if this hurts feelings but it's the truth. I don't buy into the million and one excuses I hear all the time. If you want it, if your life depended on it, you would find a way to do it. But once you have made the realization and you have started down the path, that is awesome. No one is perfect and there are going to be a lot of challenges in the way that you will have to overcome. Some big but most of them are small minute to minute decisions that you didn't even realize were affecting you in the past. A good example is Mayo vs. Mustard. Your favorite maybe mayo but mustard is the obvious better choice for weightloss. It's crazy because before you just answered without thinking and now you are having to stop and think about it. Each tiny decision like that takes a toll throughout the day.

So when there are these people out there that start regurgitating everything they read on douchefitness.com about how there are radio active meteor particles from the government in your Cheerios, it then becomes another fucking challenge. All the information blends together and you can't remember which vegetables are good and which ones are laced with heroin.

My advice is this. Keep making the small steps and ignore all the information that is not relevant to what you are doing right at that moment. You will figure out the deeper science of things along the way and gradually but right now you are just trying to accomplish one small goal at a time. Don't worry about where the chickens are raised that lay the eggs you are going to eat in the morning. Just make sure you are eating a healthy portion and not snorting pancake batter for breakfast. It's one better decision at a time.

When you are hungry and out and about, your old habit tells you to just swing through Taco Bell because you are busy. Maybe this time, just go to Subway. Even if you get a super unhealthy sandwich, you made a better decision than to keep on the path of Taco Bell. Start there.

When you are grocery shopping, you don't have to read the back of every box you pick up. You know whole wheat tortillas are the better choice than regular ones. You know that even though milk is bad for you, 2% is better than whole milk. Drink lots of energy drinks? Try some coffee instead. Want a soda? Maybe a water this time.

When you reach out grab something, just think what the slightly better alternative to that will be. Eventually, your whole grocery basket will look different. Instead of boxes and boxes of processed food and frozen dinners, there will be more fresh food. The key word is eventually.

My point is that in this overly conscious and slacktivism driven world, no matter what you buy, someone is going to tell you that there is something better. Or how one ingredient in it has been proven to kill rats. Everyone thinks they are informed and will try to help with shit that doesn't help what you are dealing with right now at this very moment in your life. If you can train your brain to go on autopilot of those small decisions that we deal with day to day or minute by minute, then you can focus your attention on the bigger things like joining a work out program or really drilling down on your eating habits and what you are eating. It all starts with habits. It all starts small. For me this whole things started with booze. It was killing me. So I decided to get rid of it. When I did that, that is all I did. I didn't care what I ate, I didn't exercise, I smoked, and I did pretty much whatever I wanted to as long as I didn't drink. Goals are important to have, and setting deadlines is helpful, so I set some soft deadlines to reevaluate things when I go to them. The first 3 months of being sober I didn't do shit because a person only has so much willpower and decision making ability to spread around through the day. After 3 months, I reevaluated where I was and made the decision to start eating healthier. And where did I start? Just by making small better choices. Cooking at home instead of eating out. Wheat instead of white and so on...After a little time, about 2 months I stepped it up to full on clean eating, food measuring, ingredient reading kind of stuff. I gave myself nearly 6 months to start all of that. In that 6 months I still last 30 pounds and I didn't die of corporate poisoned food. Weird huh?

My biggest piece of advice if you want to take it is keep it as simple as you can. Just make sure you are at least stepping in the ride direction before you start running. That is the easiest way to get frustrated and have a burger out of sheer spite. Don't listen to everything everyone has to say. You aren't stupid. You are just learning and practicing. Tony Romo can tell you how to through the perfect pass but you have to practice at it and fuck it up a few times before it will come to you. Set some goals but dial them back a notch. If you want advice, ask someone but be careful who you ask. Beware the extremists. They can be more of a problem than a help.


As I am typing this I realized there is one last group I can quickly mention...The "Short Cutters"

Anyone that tries to sell you something, or mentions something that is going to "knock that weight right off" is an asshole. Healthy eating and living is a lifestyle. It is habit. It is not easy at first. But there is no shortcut. Sure, if you are in situation of lose 100 pounds or you will die in the next year, then you may need to do something extreme and I am sure a doctor or nutritionist will be available to guide you through that. Other than that, smoothie fasts, pills, and deprivation diets are stupid. You have to just learn how to eat right and the right things to eat. This has to last you the rest of life. Not 7 days of drinking of chocolate flavored powder that makes you poop 8 times a day. Network marketing nerds are the worst about this. The problem is they are not health specialists, they are sales people and have no business suggesting this to anyone. We need food. There is no 3 weeks to sexy beach abs for people that are 20 pounds or more overweight. There is a bigger issue that has to be addressed gradually. The biggest reason for that is so after you literally work that ass off, it doesn't come back. Also most of those things just make it harder to lose the weight the next time. There are no shortcuts but you have your whole life to live and you don't have to be in a hurry. When you do it right the first time, you will feel a lot better about it and those same assholes will be out there on yo-yo diets spending hundreds of dollars on garbage. Just eat! Eat well! Stay hydrated and don't let yourself get hungry!

God bless you if you are just starting the transition.  If you are in the thick of it, keep going! That is where I am. If you have made it to your goal weight, encourage people but don't be a douchebag about it. Try to remember how if felt for you.

That being said, I am hungry and I need to eat my lunch.

Learning Life Lessons From Zombies

My most recent life adventure has been healthy living and fitness. I have never really been a fit or athletic kind of guy. Unless of course you count holding records for holding down a couch for the longest period of time without having a disability or reason to do so. I am also pretty sure I have won the 12oz curl competition a few times in the past. Either way, this is all still pretty new to me.

In reaching out to other fit folks and people that have gone down this path before me, one of the best nuggets of advice that was given was to give myself a goal. A goal outside of weight loss or inches lost. I needed to be preparing for something tangible. Some people said they needed to drop a certain amount of weight before a vacation, a wedding, or some other thing that I don't really have the inclination to do at this time. But in doing some reading I saw that a lot of people signed up for 5ks,10ks, marathons and whatnot. I am pretty confident but not an idiot so 10ks and marathons were not an option. I'm not in a movie montage preparing for the greatest achievement of life so I can win the girl and save the community rec center! But I needed something so a 5k seemed to fit. It's not really my style to wake up at 6am so I can go job behind some couple pushing their kids in a stroller through downtown Austin. Too wholesome...After some Google time, I found the Zombie Run. It was at night. It was badass. It was Rock N Roll. I was in.

Now, being fit and eating healthy will teach you a lot about who you are. No doubt. But Never having run a 5k before, much less a 5k running from Zombies...You learn a lot more about yourself. Here is what I learned about myself running through 3 miles of darkness and zombies.

1. When survival is on the line... Integrity is relative.
Running against other runners to see who is the fastest, or against the clock is one thing. The name of the game is speed and fair competition is warranted. But I wasn't running The Juice Box 5k. I was in the middle of a fucking zombie apocalypse. From the moment you arrive they push to get you into the true spirit of things, so I did just that. What exactly did I do that people may think fall into the realm of "cheating"...well some things that I will hold to myself because they are strategic in my mind and not up for debate. I did not hide my flags. I did find some extras on the ground as I went and those may or may not have been used to replace ones I lost to zombie ambush. In the actual ZA, you can't tell me that you would not pick up whatever you could to prolong your life. When survival is on the line...integrity is relative.

2. When survival is on the line... You are capable of more than you think.
I signed up for the race about 3 months before it actually happened. I was optimistic and felt I had plenty of time to prepare. And in a way I did prepare. I went to bootcamp consistently 4-6 times per week. I went and worked on my running...but not much. I had really never ran 3 miles. And up until the day of the race, I still had not run that distance. Procrastination was my enemy. It was there to take me down. I was sure that a few hundred yards into the run I would have lost my flags and breath and had to walk out of there head hung low and tail between legs. The one thing I did have on my side was the foresight to rest, fuel, and hydrate properly. I warmed up like I would for bootcamp, dressed accordingly, and kept my mind optimistic even though a small part of me was struggling. In fact the few days before I even tried to think of a way out of doing it. But I was invested $80 bucks and had already told a bunch of people...had to follow through. Standing at the starting line, alone, but in a crowd of 200 people, I looked up and saw a meteor flash across the sky, break in two, then disappear. This was a sign. It sounds lame, but I needed whatever I could get at that moment so I took it. It was a sign for me and 200 other people. So what. Shut up.

We lined up. "Mind your breathing. Watch your pace. Stay vigilant." I reminded myself. It was time to start. With a scream from approaching zombies, we were off. Running for our lives in the first 100 yard stretch straight into a wall of flames that we had to jump over. This was just the beginning. My blood was pumping. Adrenaline exploded in my veins. It was on.

By the time I made it to the first mile marker, I was barely winded. I jumped, juked, spun, ducked, and jumped around obstacles and zombies like I was on a mission. Every hill climbed, dark corner navigated, and zombie left behind seem to push me harder.

My insecurity about the whole things faded and now it was do or die. I did and I did not die.

3. When in a Survival Situations, Some people are best fed to the beasts.

 Aligning yourself with a group is great, if not just to offer some people up as sacrifice so you may advance.
This seems harsh but in the game of survival, a weakling will get you killed. If not you, then someone else or multiple people. One of my strategies was to follow groups of people into zombie zones in and in the midst of the of the chaos, use them as a distraction to move forward. A couple of times I may have given someone a little nudge in the wrong direction so that I could stay alive. When no one is watching your back, and you are defenseless, you gotta do what you gotta do.

4. When strategy Is not an option, one must use brute force.

As I came to the last stretch of the run, there was one lone Zombie standing in my way. It was just me and him. It was too late to turn back and align with a group. I stopped running for a second as he was about 50 yards away. I took a moment to catch my breath and size him up. He was there to take any remaining lives the runners had. He was not going to take mine. My brain calculated different routes to run around him and moves to avoid his hands. The course was too narrow at that point. The was no way around him with sacrificing a life. The only option I had was to go straight through him. I put my head down, made eye contact and ran as hard as I could directly at him. In true character he stood his ground thinking there would be a last minute juke move but when I got close enough he could smell me, he dove out of the way. This time I was on the offensive and he wanted no part of it. Sometimes you just have to run head on into what you are facing, calculate the risks, and accept the consequences. For me, it was 3 flags still securely Velcroed to my belt. I survived.

Never really thought Zombies could be so insightful. But to me, that run represented how I handle things in life. Sometimes life is about survival and you do what you have to. When you are alone you find ways to make it through each obstacle. You find ways around people standing in your way, or you run them the fuck over. At the end of the day it is about making it through with all your flags in tact. You don't have to win the same way someone else wins...You just have to win.

9 Months, A Weight Off My Shoulders and My Ass

"If you want to live life on your own terms, you gotta be willing to crash and burn."-Motley Crue

I have spent the better part of my life trying to live the Rock N Roll lifestyle. I wanted to be different, unique, buck the stereotype and never be victim to trends or accept that I could be average. I got my tattoos, I was in a band, I dated pretty girls and I partied like I invented it. For the most part, people loved being a part of my shenanigans but no one ever liked suffering the consequences. Somehow I found a way to be indifferent to consequences and suppress all empathy for those involved and the people that I hurt. I was fun but I was an asshole. So much of an asshole that that is usually how people would describe me. Funny thing was that I was never alone. Maybe people enjoyed the ride or maybe people just loving watching a train wreck. I don't know.

9 months ago I woke up hungover, in pain, disgusted with myself and called into work...again. I lied to everyone that day because I was so ashamed of myself for not only drinking a case of beer alone but the fact that I couldn't handle it and had to call into work.

I laid on the couch with the TV off and just let the misery of the hangover really sink in. I made myself aware of every feeling physically, mentally, and emotionally. I really soaked it in.

Feeling the guilties crawling all over me like ants I took some stock of where I was in my life. I asked myself just how unique and different I felt. How "Rock N Roll" was I feeling at this moment? How badass was I right now?

I was useless. I took stock of alienated friends, disgusted acquaintances, and every time I acted like an animal at the expense of others. Fuck man. That was a hard mirror to look into.

I had become stereotype, a statistic, a loser, and a drunk. I was 270 pounds of pure bitterness and angst. I was incapable of excelling at anything, I could not follow through, and worst of all I couldn't allow myself to get close to anyone. The music video life had ended and now I was just a sad 31 year old trying to keep some youthful dream alive with booze and loud music. I was just fatter and angrier than I had been before.

So we all know the story from my previous post about getting sober. That day was my epiphany or moment of clarity or whatever you want to call it. I nursed the hang over and resolved to change the cycle. I got my ass up and went to a meeting. I baby stepped the process and didn't overwhelm myself with a lot of resolutions all at once. I just needed to keep from drinking. I ate what I wanted, I smoked, and just sat on my ass. Whatever it took or didn't take to stay sober. That was priority one.

One thing I learned from those meetings is that I really wasn't different or unique at all. Mostly, drunks and addicts are the same. Self centered people incapable of moving forward. It was eye opening. Now, it did give me some perspective though. I guess I am what you call a high bottom drunk because I didn't go through near the hell that others have. I don't have a criminal record, I didn't hurt anyone physically, and I didn't have much to begin with but I never lost everything to the point of camping on a park bench. Addiction has taken people some crazy places and I am grateful everyday that I never had to go there. God must have been looking out for me more than I knew. Him and all of my great friends that put up with my shit so long and didn't want to see me die.

Sobriety is funny in that the first few months are pure momentum. You make it known you are sober, you are excited at the thought of your new life and everyday is a victory. After those first few months, reality sets in. The boredom comes. Then the thought you are missing out things because you have to avoid temptation. People treat you differently. It just becomes real. You realize this isn't just a think you are doing that has some stop date and everything can go back to what you are used to. You are different now. Life is different. And just about the time you think things are getting easier, they actually become more challenging.

This is the point that I had to take another look at myself in that cold hard mirror.

When I stopped drinking things improved 1000 fold for me. Whether it be divine intervention or just opportunity meets preparation, things got better. I had a new job that I loved. A new truck. I had money in my pocket and I felt great. Everyday I woke up, and still do, and tell God, my higher power, the universe how eternally grateful I am to have what I have. But things still were not where they should be. Now I was just a recovering alcoholic hiding in my house and in meetings to avoid the real world. I was still stagnating and I had to move. My ambition was atrophied.

This treadmill had it's own consequences. I was still sad, lazy, and fat as fuck. It was time to take the next step. I had to get healthy. Mind, body, and soul. I started focusing on my diet and repairing the damage I had done over the previous 15 years of my life. I got on a meal plan, supplements, and a very moderate workout routine. The pounds started coming off. When I weighed in at 271 pounds the first day with my nutritionist, I was profoundly disappointed in myself. I had John Goodman jowls and giant gut. I could literally get tired while doing absolutely nothing. At a physical they told me I had the lungs of a 50 year old and my weight was going to become a big concern. Honestly when I started I figured this would not last. I had gotten on health kicks before and then made excuses for myself to abandon the practice fairly quickly. But being that I was less influenced by outside forces these days due to my self imposed isolation, I surprisingly stuck to it long enough to see results. The first picture I took on the scale was when I dropped below 260 pounds. I had lost 14 pounds. That was huge. I felt like a million bucks that day. The momentum started up again. I was feeling great.

The next step was to step up my fitness game. I was losing weight and feeling healthier but years of drinking and sitting on my ass had made me weaker and shaped like a fat pair. A gym membership was doing me no fucking good. I would go in there without a plan and workout until I was bored. I got bored quickly. I never gave a shit if anyone was judging because fuck everyone else, but the gym is boring. Especially when you don't know what the fuck you are doing. So I started walking and jogging...eh...mostly walking. This too was boring. That also brings up something I learned in AA. "Half measure availed us nothing." Baby steps are the way to go when trying to overcome addiction and when trying to change your life. But there are certain goals that compromising and not putting in some hard work will just lead you to frustration. I didn't want to be one of those people that say they are going to lose weight and the take a brisk 30 minute walk 3 times a week. That shit don't work. I am not a 60 year old with joint pain. I am capable of more. Maybe that was new found confidence but you can't make the decision to make a huge change and not put in huge work to achieve it.

Under the recommendation of my food coach, I joined a high intensity fitness boot camp. I signed up for the 5:30am class and the first day drove to the wrong camp and almost gave up. Fuck 5:30am. At that time of day it still feels like yesterday. My brain does not work at that hour. So I made it out to another class. We started working out. We did some warm up kicking and swinging arms, then some jumping jacks, some other things, ran a bit and so on. I was beat. Vomit almost happened. That's when the instructor, Brian, said "Ok, now we are warmed up, lets get into the workout." I almost left right then. Really, that was the warm up? Holy shit. I struggled through the rest of the class to finish the workout and hold back my puke. I sweat more than I had ever sweat. I felt defeated. I thought this can only get easier so I went to another class. Same thing. I hated it. I told myself that this wasn't for me. I don't like this kind of thing, blah blah blah. Talking myself out of it. I emailed the company and cancelled my membership so they wouldn't charge me again. As soon as they did that, Brian emailed me and said he really hated to see me go and that he thought I was doing great. He said I should at least finish the weeks I had paid for and see how felt. I did pay for that shit, so I kept going. A couple weeks later down 12 more pounds. Boom. Momentum. I was below 250 pounds now and that was like a fucking giant golden trophy to me.

3 months or more later I go everyday, sometimes 6 days a week. The funny thing is that it never gets easier, but it has gotten so much better.

Having someone give you instruction and plan is the key to the fitness. But the key to continuing is the encouragement, accountability, and friendships that you make with your fellow campers. Everyone of all fitness levels are there for the same thing. It gets to the point if you don't go, you miss it. It becomes a priority in your life. It keeps you on the right path because when you make a lot of progress, you don't want to take steps backward. Its too hard to get where you are.

Now I am down 42 pounds. I am 9 months sober. Still kicking ass at my new job and able to be back out in the real world without being afraid the ghosts of my past will haunt me. I am a new person....kind of. See the thing I realized through all this is that now I really am different, unique, and bucking the stereotype. I can put on some Rob Zombie and run a mile and feel like an actual badass anytime my time improves. I get fucking pumped when I kill a workout. I don't fit the mold of angsty band failure guy anymore. The most Rock N Roll thing I have ever done for myself was break that mold. I am not turning into the person I feared before. I just keep getting better. I am the badass I always thought I was before. I am a grateful, hardworking badass. hahaha

9 months sober is still a short time relatively to what I have ahead of me. But I know there are others out there struggling to break the cycle of self punishment that want to be better and happier. I also know that there are people that truly believed I could never do something like this, and hopefully they can see that I did and realize they can too. Maybe even easier and better than I have done it.

The other reason to post this is for all the people that have been there for me. Not just through this stuff. Not just the good stuff, but the bad stuff. The people that never gave up on me even when they should have. The people that carried to bed when I was too drunk to walk. The people that came and gave me rides when I would randomly get wasted with no money. The people that always said they knew I was great. My girlfriend for being so patient and loving me unconditionally and modifying her life to help me.

I also want to say thank you and I am sorry to the people that stayed around as long as they could, but due to self preservation had to make the break from my life. Sometimes I wish I could have done this sooner so you can see the man I have become and know that I could not have done without you. I am sorry that I pushed you away so hard when you tried to stay by me but thank you for carrying me when you did.

I am always here to talk or listen if anyone needs me. Change is possible and it feels great.

Thanks for reading.

6 Months...6 Songs

It really seems like it's only been a few weeks. I can't believe half a year has gone by since I decided to put down the booze and move on with my life. It certainly has not been easy, but it has been extremely rewarding.

Just like anything else in my life, there are certain songs I have latched onto during this process that have really spoken to me and given me strength when my willpower was at it's failure point. These songs really say it all about how I feel and what it's been like so far.

This is just the progress on the outside...

I have lost a ton of weight. I can sleep at night and more importantly, I can wake up in the morning. When I do wake up, the first thing I do before my feet even hit the floor is let God know how grateful I am. 

I can finally breathe. In more ways than one.

For the first time in 7 years I am 100% off any medication. No more anti-depressants or mood stabilizers. 

Things are good. 

Please enjoy the soundtrack to my sobriety and rebirth. Maybe these songs will speak to you too. I posted the version with the lyrics so you can really get where I am coming from. 

1. Blue October- Overweight

This song really goes out to my awesome girlfriend, friends, family, and God. Dealing with someone that is sick with addiction is hard. I have lost a lot of friendships because of it. Most people bail pretty quickly but there are people that have stood by me every step of the way. I am not at all strong enough to do this on my own. Everyday I am grateful I have these people and this song sums up exactly how I feel about them.

2.Survival- Eminem

When I decided to get sober and healthy, it wasn't because I was just tired, it was a matter of survival. My health was suffering, I was depressed, and wasn't sure how much longer I would make it. If I didn't end up in jail, I would have ended up dead. I thought about it a lot. I was going nowhere in terms of a career and became more introverted than ever. Whatever energy I had left, I mustered up, and did this for survival. 

3.Fear- Blue October

One of the hardest things for me was taking the first step and then the 2nd 3rd 4th and so on. I still struggle. One of the biggest struggles for me is fear. The addicted lifestyle was all I knew. Most of my relationships were based around drinking. I was terrified to let go. Somehow I felt safer in my self created hell. When I got the strength to reach up and ask God to help, it was one of scariest moments of my life. Fear is a motherfucker man. But I know now that I don't have to fall apart and people love me without playing the cartoon character I was before. This song made me cry the first time I heard it because it rang so true.

4. Shackled and Drawn - Bruce Springsteen

This song reminded me that I am still a man and I still have responsibilities. It tells me that as long as you are working it is hard to fuck up. Problems will always be here, but I have to man up, face them, deal with them, and keep moving forward. Alcohol made me feel like less of a man, but that is certainly not the case anymore.

5. Not Afraid - Eminem

Haha, you had to know this one was coming. This is a powerful song when it comes to recovery. When I started going to meetings, I learned that I am not the only person going through this shit. I am not alone in this fight. It also reminds me to be of service to people that need it and want it. Again, fear is one the biggest obstacles to overcome in all aspects of recovery. I can say now, that although I have a long road ahead of me, I am not afraid of what is around the next corner. I feel stronger than ever right now.

6. Indestructible- Disturbed

7 or 8 years ago, with booze in hand, I tried to end it all. I tried taking myself out because I couldn't take it anymore. I survived that but just kept medicated with beer for all the long long years to come. I was the darkest time of my life. I could not face the terror of my childhood, the problems I had right in front of me, or the challenges the future would hold. I didnt feel like I deserved any thing good in my life and I destroyed anything that I came across. Now, 6 months into this long journey, I look back and see that the booze, horrible enemies and even worse friends could not break me. Somewhere inside me was a strength keeping me going. Now I can walk with my head high and I know I am real motherfucker is someone tries to take my happiness away. My life has been a battle but so far...I am indestructible.

Thanks to all of you that love me and put up with my shit. 

Rock!

.........................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................Keep going.....................................There is more.......................................................

SECRET SONG! Remember those? haha...

This last song is there as a reminder that the only way I can move forward is to keep a crisp picture of the past. Sometimes I have to feel the pain, and taste the horrible taste of my past. It keeps me motivated. If you can't remember how hot the fire is, you are destined to burn yourself again. I will remember before I forget.

Slipknot- Before I Forget