10 Rules to The Hall Pass

Disclaimer: This blog entry is just for fun. The idea was spawned by recent articles I read while bored at work about fidelity and willpower. It in no reflects my intentions or anything negative about the current relationship I am in. It's just for fun. 

I typically look at most relationships with a pretty cynical eye. I see most of them as to unequally yolked people doing their best to make it work because they don't want to be lonely. Let's face it, most people will suffer great pains to avoid being alone. In our society we simply aren't cut out to be without someone else stealing the covers at night or saying they are hungry but declining all your ideas for dinner. Hollywood has taught us that there is magic in meeting someone and the love you feel in the first 6 months of a relationship is the same love you will feel for years to come. In the back of our minds we know this isn't true but we intrepidly move forward anyway. 

It is hard when most of the time people want to talk about the pains they are going through in the relationship but it's just disgusting when they talk about how good it is. Which brings me to a side note...If you relationship is really great, you probably wouldn't be posting on facebook about how great it is all the time. Constant Facebook posts of heartfelt hallmark expressions of love and kissing pictures are a true sign that something is amiss and we all know it. Just food for thought.

Since we know most people are settling to avoid certain solitude, we can also assume that when the new car smell wears off, people start doing some window shopping. Maybe some flirting with an ex sweetheart, co-worker, or just an overall scoundrel like flirting with everyone. Men are more prone to this feeling than women but women are far from being off the hook. Men try to do it on the sly and women have their "friendzone" safety guys to validate that they still "Have it". 

Most people have the self control and fight the urge and remain faithful to the bitter end. Whether or not that bitter end is until death do them part or a melodramatic break up with play by plays on social media for all to see. Some give in to the temptation as I did in previous relationships. Some people just need to take it a step too far and instead of handling things like they should...they cheat. There are many different kinds of cheating and we can get into those another day. 

But this is a modern society and we innovate. Far gone are the days of Mad Men where you can have your mistress in the city and your lovely wife at home in the burbs. Now it's all or nothing. Resist your primal urges, do not speak of them, repress these ideas OR cheat and fuck everything up. However some forward thinking folks have looked at the idea of a HALL PASS. The idea of letting ones partner cheat with immunity under a set of guidelines. This interests me. 

See we are not built in America to really let shit slide like that. There are swinger couples and open relationships and things like that, sure. Most of the time these are not super well adjusted people or attractive at all. The reality is that the average American my like the novelty of this idea but it would absolutely kill them to think that just for one night they do not own the genitalia of their partner. Whether their partner loves them dearly, would die for them, and will always be by their side, the thought of the physical act of sex with another human being is the ultimate betrayal. This is weird because in my mind, indifference or abuse would be way worse but that is not what the TV says so we have to put infidelity first. Does the idea that your partner is aware of the fling and there are rules put around change things? I mean, can someone truly overlook that? Lets assume for argument sake that someone can. What rules would there have to be to make this work? I have thought long and hard on these rules and have listed them below. Please enjoy.

Hall Pass Rules:

1. This is obvious and has to be rule #1. Use protection. I know we all prefer to go without it but that kind of humping has to be reserved for your significant other. You have worked hard to build the trust that the other person is disease free and not trying to get pregnant. Plus there has to be a barrier in the intimacy that only exists with you and your partner. Also..don't be gross.

2. The hall pass can not be used as a way to conquer an old crush. Really it can't be anyone you know or interact with on a regular basis. No old crushes, no coworkers, no friends. This will only breed resentment and weirdness. Trust me, I have been there. It's as awkward as farting at a funeral afterward. Also, conjuring up old feelings for a crush defeats the purpose of just being primal and getting some strange. Let it go. You have to find someone new. This will let you know you still have your abilities as a hunter and give you some release.

3.What's good for the goose is good for the gander. You know why guys are considered studs when they bang a lot of women but women are considered sluts if they do it? Because guys made the rules. Gentleman we are kings of the double standard. This does not apply here. If either partner is going to ask for this privilege, be ready to reciprocate. If you can't do that, then take what you are feeling and apply that to what your partner must be feeling at the same time.

4. A Hall Pass, like in middle school, cannot be abused. It is for rare occasion. My suggestion is maybe once a year, not around birthdays or holidays. You can agree on the time frame and date and then plan around it.

5. Location is everything. Don't shit where you eat. Just like not fucking someone you know or that is close to your circle of influence, it is best to take this shit out of town. Take a day trip if possible to another city do you hunting somewhere else. Do you have business trip or something coming up? If you don't go out of town, at least go far across the city. This is a one time thing that you don't want haunting you. Also, you aren't going to want to leave temptation facing an open door for round 2. Last, if this does blow up in your face, which it probably will, you don't want your partner having access to that poor soul caught up in your weird relationship shenanigans. 

6. One shot, one kill. After the agreed upon date, you have one chance to get this done. There are no redo's or second chances. Go out, get it done, get it over with. You have 24 hours. 

7. You must improvise. You cannot plan, strategize, or work on this any other time than the one day set aside for the Hall Pass. You can't go around flirting and courting up possible prospects all the time. This includes hook up websites. You have to live everyday but that day as a faithful partner, true to your love. When you go outside of that date, that is just cheating. This is a one night stand. You have to go out and use your skills and suave to get it done in one day. I am not sure what the policy on hookers is. So just like hunting, you can't cage your deer so that you can shoot it later. If you go out and blow it, too bad. You have no game and are lucky that you have someone at home that is willing to bang you occasionally. If you are not able to hook up with someone as hot or hotter than your partner, then you should be thankful that you have someone that is better looking than what you could get now. This part will probably be pretty humbling. If you don't care...Happy Hog Hunting!

8. You made your bed, lie in it. This rule is one that I am certain will not be followed. Once the deed is done, it cannot be talked about. This means that if you allow you partner to go out and do their thing, you don't get to ask questions after it is over. This also means you do not get to bring it up in later fights or arguments. You allowed it. Live with it. On the flipside, if your partner was so gracious/stupid to have let you do this, you cannot use it later for the upper hand in an argument or as ammo to hurt that person. This really just gets into not having a very good relationship in the first place.

9. Leave it alone. Once you have gone out and hooked up and done the one night pants carnival, you don't get to stay in contact with that person. There will be no friending on the Facespace or keeping of phone numbers. Remember that open door to temptation I talked about? That fucker will come back and hit you in the ass if you aren't careful. What's done is done. That's that. 

10. Respect. Respect that someone loves you enough to let you go out and get a little primal validation. Don't look at this as you window to a world of new opportunity. Chances are you will not find someone this cool if you leave. Look at what you have and use it to love your partner anymore and remember to give a little more effort next time you visit Poundtown together.

These are my rules the way that I see them. I obviously do not recommend seriously approaching this idea. In a previous relationship I did and it did not turn out well for anyone. We all have needs, urges, and freaky deakys need love too, but we have to face the fact that in our society, we are prudes and something like this is hard to pull off, let alone live with. If it does work out for you, let me know. Who knows? Maybe lightening the fuck up will help save some relationships.

What do Amway and the Ancient Egyptians Have in Common? They Both Built Pyramids.

Something happens when you are approaching the cliff that is your 30^th birthday. You suddenly realize you might not get to be a rock star or the president. Your 20’s are spent questioning every decision you should make for your future and your 30’s are spent questioning every decision you made in your 20’s. My 20’s were full of great ideas that I forgot after 48 hour binge drinking marathons. Now that’s over I can focus…a little…

Clarity is not a luxury I have had for a longtime so luckily there some cool people along the way to give me some advice and motivation. One thing I know I can do is run my mouth and take part in lively conversation, and debate. Realizing with most of these debates that the tables seem to tilt my way by the end, I was drawn into sales. Sometimes I hate it and never want to talk to another person again in my life, and sometimes I love it. That’s sales for ya.

I sell a product right now that I love, believe in, and think is the future of the planet. I love to talk about it to people that want to listen and I like getting my customers set up. It feels good to get paid to do something you enjoy. It is rewarding to do something you believe in. It also helps that I can work from home sometimes and not have to get dressed until 10am or when I start feeling guilty for being lazy.

For now I am in a good spot. But, back to the turning 30 thing…

We all hit that point where we realize the pics posted by former crushes go from cleavage clad sexy poses to driver seat selfies hiding gained weight, pictures of food, and the worst….10,000 pictures of kids. Priorities shift, people start having “favorite shows” on weeknights, and generally begin to suck. As if this isn’t already disappointing enough, the next wave of disappointment comes in a salesy business tone that you have never heard spoken from that person. Yup, I am talking about the Multilevel Marketing, Networking Marketing, whatever you wanna call it Marketing pitches. Things didn’t pan out at college, you don’t like what your degree is in, your trade school degree isn’t helping like the commercial said it would, or you just didn’t get an education…I don’t know. But now you have found the most American of American ways to make money…I mean, it only makes sense! You are the only thing holding you back! You just need the desire and drive and you are chocked full of that man! 

I mean, don’t get me wrong, I have reached out to a couple “advocates” or representatives participating in some of the programs. I have asked about product for a couple of things. Most times I couldn’t get through asking for something to give me some pep in the mornings before they would launch full on into a pitch about how I was perfect for selling this product and I should join their cult. As a sales professional, I have to give you some feedback, wait for me to finish talking before shoving your pitch down my throat. You don’t know my situation and you may be wasting your time or more importantly wasting mine. If you think about it, it is a pretty narcissistic way to live assuming everyone has 15 minutes to listen to you drone on about financial freedom and early retirement, whenever you decide to talk about it. Ease off the green tea extract buddy! Calm down.

Anyway, I get why you start listening to these pitches and why you invest your $500 to be the owner of your new home based business. I understand that the pictures on the brochures are exciting and that you may get a little boner or lady boner, whenever you are in one of those hotel ballroom conferences. It’s exciting stuff. I know because I was there.

When I was younger, I was madly in love with a beautiful girl and I wanted to marry her. At the time I believed she was probably the best I was going to do and needed to go ahead and lock this one down. Rookie mistake. So when her father asked what I was going to do to take care of his little girl, I said I was going to do what he did…Network Marketing. If this idiot asshole could do it, I certainly could too. Immediately his concern with our young age and my lack of a stable history in anything but playing in a band went out the window and he launched full throttle into getting me up to speed on how I would be retired by the time I was 30. He gave me the full run down on how things worked, there were conference calls, motel spectacles, and lots of books written by paid “third-parties” like Robert Kyosaki. That’s right, I had the Rich Dad / Poor Dad boxset and I was on my to making millions of dollars if I just believed! Then came Napoleon Hill, The Secret, Dale Carnegie, Stephen Covey, and the list goes on and on and on. Whatever, he was off my back and all I had to get people to do was buy some vitamins or want to sell some vitamins. I mean I got pretty easily sold, how hard could it be? I was a something something home based business diamond triad douchey mcsales guy for USANA!

Now in retrospect as a real sales professional, I see the error of my ways. First, while sales does not require any formal training, it should. Sales is a profession like anything else and not everyone can do it. I can’t believe my way into being an MMA fighter or playing the NBA. I know there are the hopeless that believe you can will your way into anything but you’re wrong so don’t start. Sales is one of those things. You may have some natural ability, but you have to hone the craft, have some coaching, and work really hard to get comfortable, let alone be any good at it. Then on the flip side, there are people that are just not sales people and it is painfully uncomfortable to listen to them try and sell. We are all given certain abilities and to say that everyone is born with the ability to sell is probably coming from someone trying to sell you something. Bottom line, I wasn’t going to take my 500 pound ogre of a brother that drives a truck and owns a trailer park in East Texas and change him into top notch sales professional. There is not enough time or magic in Neverland for that to ever happen.

That is the other thing that comes with these programs. You have just signed on to harass, alienate, and possibly rip off your circle of influence. Remember when you were in elementary school and they sent you home with magazines or candy and you had to sell about 10,000 bars of chocolate so you could win the TV, so you went to all your family members and friends and so on…this is the same business model. The only difference is that you are now 30 and the shit ain’t cute anymore. Also, the kids that always won in those programs were kids that probably already had their own TV because their family was well off, so they would by the 10k in chocolate bars and magazines between like 3 family members. My family on the other hand was too poor to do that so they went back to the hard work philosophy and said I should knock on doors. The bitch of that was that we lived in the country and had like 3 neighbors that always seemed to have dogs that bite.  The same principal happens here. You may sell a little to your ne’er do well relatives, but your more accomplished relatives are more likely to enable this and buy in…as a courtesy because they still think you are cute.

Next, you find your down and out friends that have buckets of problems, can’t hold jobs, drink too much, and are not even healthy, and try to get them to sell your HEALTH supplements too. Well the thought of not having a boss has already hooked your maverick friend, and he likes that sweet magnet you put on your car about that says “Fire Your Boss Today!” He would do that, but he was just fired yesterday for urinating in the Coke machine. You stroke the ego, have them fish whatever your initial investment charge is from the piggy banks and empty Crown Royal bottles and they are off! Now you are seeing small commissions coming in and your color code or rare gem status is rising in the ranks of this company! At the next motel conference room banana pants conference you will get a new pin and lots of pats on the back!

This is sales. That is true. But without integrity.

Here is why…

You are selling people a product that has a 90% fail rate. I don’t care how many ass holes you have watched jump around a stage with one of those Britney Spears microphones attached to his head saying that he went from riding the bus to a Ferrari in 2 years. The bottom line is that real stats show that over all, in your industry, more that 90% of people fail.  If I walked into Best Buy for a new TV and they told me about a TV that would fulfill my wildest dreams but there was a 90% chance it wouldn’t work, I’d probably go with the good ole LG or Sony. If you can’t honestly and upfront look at someone and tell them there is a huge chance that the money they are investing is going to be wasted, you are not being honest. Anyway you swing it, it’s lying. You place all of the responsibility on that person to put in the work but you don’t create an accurate picture of reality or what that work is. You can say that you care because their success is your success, but when you are lying to multiple people, the buffer room is built in for some people to fall off.

You cannot take someone with no formal training or inclination and make them a millionaire over night or even in 2 years in the field of sales. It is insulting to even say that to those of us that actually make our living that way. If you want to become a millionaire overnight, get your teenage daughter pregnant, get on tv and act like an asshole. This is America and that is the formula.

There are many many things people have to work through before becoming sales people and you don’t let people know that…you are misleading them. I have been rejected from sales jobs before because I wasn't a strong enough sales person to join that organization. A popular saying around your industry is that “If it was easy, everyone would be doing it.” Well then why the fuck are you telling everyone they can do it?

What you do isn’t real sales, it’s manipulation. BUT in your defense people are responsible for their own decisions and if they invest their money and lose it, hopefully they learn a lesson.

I have seen my share of strangers give moving speeches with scripted rhetoric and nonsense with the silly headset microphone. I have heard their stories and even read other peoples stories online. It was amazing because after all, everything you read online is true and a businesses wouldn't cook shit up just to make sales. I mean... come on...

I have been harassed, lectured, pep talked, and disowned by people in network marketing programs. I have been told I would be great and just needed to work harder and believe in myself, and I needed to want better things for myself and so on. Most of it is pretty insulting, but I consider the source of a desperate friend that got sucked into it and I let it go. Usually this happens within their first 6 months of involvement in said program. After that, I don’t really hear about it anymore…weird right? Maybe they had given up on me and moved on to more qualified "down-lines" and started making that residual magic money we hear so much about! Nope…usually those same people, when asked months later, either have nothing to say or talk around it. I have never seen someone I personally know make any real money doing it. If they say they did, they cannot prove it. And trust me, I ALWAYS ask. It’s my last word to a conversation that may have been had months ago where they left feeling like they owned me.

Now we are back at the success rate of your model that you will righteously sell without having even known the actual success rate for yourself. See when I sell my product, I have to discuss failure rates, real justified rates of return, and show actual numbers as proof to all of it. At the end of the day, I feel good knowing that I was up front and the person knew exactly what they were getting.

I know, I have beating you up pretty hard on the recruiting aspect of what you do and haven’t even mentioned the phenomenal, revolutionary, pioneering, lifesaving, money saving, incredible, products that you all sell. Well that’s because for the most part neither do you! The minute I ask about some supplements or whatever, you may give me a web link to follow but then you jump right into your recruiting pitch. So again, go back to your sales training and learn about process. Here are some examples of what I go through…

Me- “Man, I have the hardest time waking up in the morings.”

Salesperson- “You should try our all natural acai berry battery acid flavored penis oil powder.”

Me- “Oh that sounds interesting. What is it?

Salesperson- “Here is a link. You can order it from me or online with my code. You know you can get it cheaper if you sign on as an independent distributor. Do you have a minute to talk about an exciting opportunity that everyone is talking about?”

Or…

Me- “Man, losing weight is hard. I love cheeseburgers and pizza and eat like 6 year old.

SP-“ You should try our Mega Protein Breast Milk Extreme! Meal replacement powder and power bars.”

Me- No thanks, I like food as opposed to powder.

Sp- “ You don’t know what you are missing man. I know a guy that lost 100 pounds last week just doing a simple 20 day challenge and it changed it his life. It costs $400 but how much does being fat cost you in the long run?”

Me- “Well maybe…

SP-“ If I get you signed up as a Class 3 super diamond independent super distributor, in 6 months, you’ll get all this free and be making more money than you ever have. Do you have minute to talk….

Me- Runs away and jumps from window….

Most of the time the products are pretty good. I will give you that. Usana had supplements so good they would make you sick. Advocare, Herbalife, and so on, all have some decent stuff. I take supplements and if I could find a salesperson that wouldn't try to recruit me, I’d probably buy some stuff from them monthly. But maybe not either. Most of the time because it is a direct sale, it is extremely overpriced and again, there is no actual measurable proof to justify the extra expense incurred in buying your product over a less expensive brand that is easier to access. Showing me a study that your company paid for is not proof. That is marketing material. Know your shit.

Finally, for those of you that are pursuing one of these programs now, I really do wish the best of luck and I hope you can throw this back in my face along with your million dollar payday and tell me it works. If that happens, I’ll be the first to eat crow and publicly admit it. And the honest truth is that I don't wish failure on anyone. I still wouldn't sign up because I don’t have what it takes to be the kind of person you have to be to sell that stuff. For those of you thinking about joining, I urge you to reevaluate your life and find out if this is a desperate grab at a life raft. Also, do your research on this industry and the companies. Make sure what you are reading was not written or funded by the company and try to be objective. If you want to do it but aren't sure about sales, go get a part time job at a cold-call call center. They offer great training and it will let you know whether or not you have the chops for sales. If you can sell at one of those places for a short period of time, you will probably do OK. For those of you currently that have swallowed the pill, pun intended, please give me your best rebuttal to what I am saying and post it publicly. I would love to have this debate with you for people to see. Or avoid the debate and show proof of your success. Again, I said 90% failure and that does mean that there are  people out there doing great with this. Good for them. Keep on keeping on!

I am not trying to crush dreams or to be as you kids like to call it, a "hater". I am simply replying to the many many many advances from you that I have gotten. I feel it's fair that if you all are going to solicit me that I can reply back. At least I am doing on single forum and not invading your personal space.

To my friends that are involved. I love you just like I always have, I just don't want to talk about this. I want to talk about what we talked about when we became friends. Love you.

120 Days:Lessons Learned and Lethargy

120 Days deep inside a brand new adventure. I see it as an accomplishment but seriously, I think shit just got real. 

I am under no illusion that 15 years of boozing can be relinquished in a matter of a few months. I realize even a day is something to be grateful for and every day I wake with out the hangover guilties crawling all over my soul. True grit, humility, and trust in my higher power gets me through...but man it's a lot of fucking work folks. No kidding, it's like learning to walk all over again. 

I have to second guess most all of my first instincts. My internal compass is broken and often I get lost just sitting on my couch. 

I'm not sure people understand why it is that I put this out there. Most people think this a personal, dark matter not to be spoken about freely...well, when the fuck have I ever held back? The fact of the matter is that it keeps me honest. I can stay true to my constitution if I am help accountable publicly. Nothing would be more awkward than to have the conversation about why I made such a big deal about my sobriety, shouted it from the social media mountain tops, just to pick back up the filthy habit. Secondly, I know what it's like not to have a firm grasp on even what the first move is into recovery. I know the alienated feeling. Luckily for me I am not one to be confined by my social status and more often than not, I don't give a shit. Some people do not have that luxury and if they can read what I am putting out there and gives them their first intimation into sobriety, I am happy to have been at service. I do not however, air my business as a way of recruiting or to transition anyone over to the sober side of the street. Some people can drink. Some people can't. Not my business whether or not you are one way or the other. I'm the guy that fell from a sitting position, out of a chair, into a wall head-first at a karaoke bar after about 15 Miller High Lifes...I do not judge. Another valuable treasure posting all this to the world is that I can give a little understanding to my circle of influence about what I am going through. The first month or so people tip-toe around you like you have herpes on your eyelids. Where it is awesome that people care enough to go out of their way to accommodate me, it is a little disaffecting. Please, carry on as you were, I will be fine.

I have to say that the first couple of months are easy. This is the reverse of what I thought it would be. You get on that sober train like new girlfriend and ride it hard. You start telling everyone with great pride and resolve that your are not drinking. You stay hidden and keep yourself from risky situations. You start making plans with your new found sober life, you read, you watch TV. The meaning of songs change and your view becomes a bit more clear...or so you think. On the flipside of that, I genuinely believe that the real work is just starting. Now that everyone is aware and I can silence the battle horns, now that I understand my limitations, meditate, and have the tools to deal with the urges or cravings...now I have to work. Funny shit. See the problem is that once that honeymoon with sobriety calms down, you look around and realize that you have to get on with life. You have to get off your couch, stop hiding, and do something. Since my nature was to always make plans centered around drinking, I am currently in a reconstruction of my social and active life. Sure, I can go hang out with the gang and drink water. I have done it. It was just as much fun and I laughed and joked just like I did when I was drinking. But now those glorious Sundays that seem like they were meant for sitting on a patio and having a mimosa, those have to become something else entirely. It's really easy for the brain to lock up when and the body to shut down when you can't figure out what the fuck you are supposed to do. I mean sitting on the couch in front of the TV is 10 times better than giving in and actually going and having the drink but it's also reeeeeeeeeeeeeeaaaaaalllly fucking boring. You also have to learn to do a lot of shit by yourself and that is not always the most fun. 

So far I have enjoyed all the folks that have pulled my girlfriend aside to inquire as to how she deals with it. haha I can speak for both of us when I say it's working well. She hasn't had to drive me home rambling about politics and the standard of social America while speaking in cursive and trying to hold back my vomit. I don't tell her what she can and can't do either. She is her own person and carry on as she likes. My sobriety is my own. 

The point I am at now is just making sense of the real world without alcohol. I don't really have any more excuses to not press on and make something of myself. Alcohol was my crutch and excuse for everything and often times even used in my apologies for my more criminal antics. Again, I don't think that 4 months against 15 years is anything I have to get on myself too hard about, but I do have to combat the boredom and would be nice to use all this new found energy to drop some weight and go on some voyages. Not to mention the fact that when I did the math, I have saved over $2000 from keeping it dry! Holy shit. I have paid some bartenders bills man. 

There is a lot of work I have put into this but honestly it was coming to terms and communicating with my higher power that has helped. That is some AA verbiagef for ya there. I didn't really think I had one and if I did, I didn't think he was too happy with me anyway. This concept took some getting used to and some awkward tries at meditation and prayer. Just a note, if you are the kind of person to argue this, you can put your opinion in your ass. I am not really at the point I would dare try to convert anyone, seeing as I have a hard time with it myself...But I am certainly not anywhere near giving a shit what you think about my process. 

I do have to say that I am grateful everyday. I am grateful for my wonderful friends and all the encouragement I get from reader and acquaintances. This could be a harder road if I had ever allowed myself to be surrounded by shitty people, but I think I have made some good draft picks in the FriendFL. (<---- all="" are="" at="" be="" came="" can="" div="" encouraging="" even="" going="" honest="" i="" if="" just="" least="" nbsp="" of="" or="" out="" put="" read="" take="" that.="" that="" the="" there="" think="" time="" to="" up="" what="" with="" you.="" you="">

Ok...enough of this serious talk...I will go work on something sarcastic and droll. 

Thanks for reading.  

Craigslist Ad for Sidekick/PA

 Looking for Sidekick/PA Until College is Over (east austin)

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January has given me a void to fill. Now that I am over the excitement of my new toys from Christmas and finished Dexter on Netflix...I have run out of things to do. This would typically be the time I peel myself off of the couch and hit the mean skreets of Austin looking for adventure. I don't necessarily have anything stopping me, but my sidekick...Let's just call her "Daisy"...has decided to desert me for stupid college again. Summers and Holidays are great but when the semester starts she gets all selfish and decides she has to study and be an all around douche. But it's whatever...I will keep on trucking....possibly with you riding shotgun on this Big Rig of Fun!!!!!

First lets get some requirements out of the way...

You have to be female. Bro's I know this should be equal opportunity but hanging with chicks is usually more fun. Plus chicks are cuter and easier to lift into windows in case we decide to do any crime. Also most of my ghost hunting is more successful when I have a female offerings to perverted dead ghost dudes.

Ladies...this is not a sexual gig...I have a girlfriend that works very hard and it usually is just easier if she doesn't have to participate in these adventures. Also she does not like ghosts.

You must be attractive. Uglier women tend to be distracting as you cannot tell if they just look a certain way or if they are angry or need to be fed.

You must like Heavy Metal music, Classic Rock, and Snickers Bars.

Dancing skills are pretty helpful in case we meet some bitch girls or dudes that challenge us to a dance off to defend our rep.

Singing skills would be great just so we can harmonize.

It's helpful if you are short...my shoes come untied and often when I bend to tie them my crack shows and that can be embarrassing for both of us.

You must also know how to tie shoes.

This was not "Daisy's" strong suit as they would come untied again...often...and she would have to start the process over again.

No Gamers. I am terrible at video games and do not want to hear you tell me about them for hours and hours. I don't care how long it took you to beat it.

Strong preferred if you have big boobs in the event of a swimming accident.

Having a car would be a step up. But not too nice of one and then we have to take your car everywhere but you drive like an asshole and then we argue and then I have start this whole thing over again. I am thinking about the long term here.

I have a bike. If you have a bike...we can rock the Greenbelt or practice wheeleys at Auditorium shores so as people will know we are awesome.

Must have a decent pair of sunglasses and look cool as shit with them on. A photo will be required.

Must love dogs. If you are not a dog person, don't even respond. Go back to blowing Satan or whatever you people do.

You have to make a happy plate. I like to eat delicious food stuffs riddled with hearty red meat and burgers the size of your head. I need you to be able to keep on this and not embarrass me in front of everyone at hopdoddy when you can't finish your Terilinqua.

Must like hopdoddy.

Karate skills are not required but we will get plenty of practice in case Johnny and those assholes from Cobra Kai show up again.

Non drinker preferred, light drinker is ok. You are my sidekick and I don't want to have to carry you out of places or listen to why you can't seem to find a good guy while picking pieces of puke from your hair. (Daisy is a non-drinker.)

Finally, this is just a short-term gig unless you have what it takes! One Daisy could come back and shit could get pretty awkward when you're trying to ride shotgun but she just ASSUMES she can ride shotgun and then a pistol comes out.

Also please do not be a gun carrier.

A photo will be required. Please reply to the email with one.
You must be up to date on all your shots and not have any physical quirks that might be hard for me to over look and then I have to pretend all day like one of your eyes isn't mad at the rest of your face.

Looking for someone to start ASAP...I almost done with all the seasons of The Office on Netflix and shit is about to get real.

Thanks and Godspeed.

(This is a non-paying gig in terms of actual cash. But some of the richest people I know are the ones with the most friends. Strangely enough the people with lots of friends always have cash too...weird...Well, then you'll be on your way...)

• Location: east austin
• do NOT contact me with unsolicited services or offers
• Compensation: no pay

The Douche Bag List: Knowing is the first Step in Protection

For some, the world today doesn't require a lot of time toward things really essential to our existence as it did years ago. For some, the money they earn doesn't always go toward essentials like retirement planning or education. No, no, now it can go towards loud exhaust on tiny cars and shoes that go nicely with douchetastic shirts that say "Keep Calm and Fist Pump On".

We are no longer a nation of hero types or role models. The current generation is an aching hangover of 90's kids that refused to grow up and their younger siblings fiendish consumerism. We don't admire athletes, we worship them. We don't look up astronauts, our new heroes are the seedy rich loser type that exist on a different planet on our televisions and transmit to frontal lobes in the form of reality TV. Best case scenario is that it's sad, reality is that it's scary. We are plumping up and dumbing down...We can only hope for the end or a revolution of minds.

With that being said, there are a lot of stand outs that we encounter everyday. Their small, annoying, and thoughtless actions give you a deep look into their nonsensical existence. In only a brief second, you can see how this creature lives their whole lives. The pestering insects of the human race...The Douche Bag.

This is my list notables...

1. Vegans-

You know how to tell if you have a vegan over for dinner? ---Because they will fucking tell you!
A vegan will go into a self righteous, well rehearsed monologue about how and why they became vegan. It ranges from the cruel treatment of animals to cow farts destroying the ozone. The will let you know the adversity they live with and how it was hard at first...but now it's not so bad. Worst part about this? I DIDN'T FUCKING ASK! The other part is that they feel because they are on this holy quest to save the planet from industrialized animal flatulence, that everyone need make special accommodations for them where ever and whenever they decide. Hey asshole! If you don't want what the rest of us are having, go home! Make a salad and shove a cucumber in your bum-bum because we are tired of hearing it. I don't know what your policy is on having a leather boot in your ass but you are going to have to decide if you don't shut up.

2. The Uber Health Conscious Liberal Type...that smokes...

You know these people. You mention you have a hankering for Taco Bell or want to throw down on some Jack in the Box and they curl their lip and look down at you as if you just asked to watch them take a dump. These people too always have a lot to say...even when you don't ask. They make sure you know they buy over priced groceries, organic, and local! The give you recipes and ideas to cleanse your body of all the poison that corporate food chains are making you eat against your will. The funny part is, most of this comes out over a cigarette and booze. ALMOST ALL OF THESE PEOPLE SMOKE CIGARETTES! So you can lecture me on eating some tasty quick service while you puff down on something proven to kill you? You get to make an exception? I could probably eat Big Macs everyday and not get lung cancer you hypocritical fuck head. So before you start a lecture on things you read from the Huffington Post or on NPR, take that fuckin cigarette out of your mouth. Go get in shape and be the sterling example of health you need to be before you lecture me about what I put in my body.

3. Bumper Sticker People

Can you think of a more passive aggressive way to tell the world what you are thinking? Come on. Your bumper sticker has never convinced me of anything besides the fact that you are a douche bag with no back bone to actually make a stand for things you believe in. The back of your car looks like a musicians guitar case but with really stupid slogans. "COEXIST" - Uh no...I like not liking some people because it's fucking funny. Political stickers are the worst. So you are going to convince me, at 70 miles per hour that Obama was "One Big Ass Mistake America"? It's not working. I just know that you have stupid priorities. The little stick figure families are just awkward...What happens when the dad leaves? And he will. Why wouldn't he leave a crazy bitch that puts stick figures of her family on the back of her car? Lastly, if you have racing or performance stickers on your car, but you do not have racing or performance parts on your car, please drive that car off a bridge.

4. Always Wearing a Bluetooth Guy...or Girl

Some how I feel like this technology should not still be a fashion statement. Don't get me wrong, they are great for driving or while at work. However, walking through the fucking grocery store with one on your head and no one on the end of the line just makes you look like an asshat with no friends. Those are for essential use only, not for making you look like you are about to get the big call while you pick out a frozen dinner before you go home and beat off to Animal Planet. Get with it people, put the fucking things in your pocket. Or keep wearing them so your Doucheness won't be camouflaged. These guys usually are the same guys from #5...

5. Wears Sunglasses Inside Person

Ok, do we still have to have this conversation? I mean really? Are the halogens blinding you? Or do you think some chick is going to come up and ask you for an autograph? I am sure you were MVP on your slow pitch softball team but that hardly makes you a rock star. Take them off asshole. When you combine #4 and #5 you get Douchetron.

6. Any guy that wears a scarf ever.

Self explanatory

7. Guy that Leaves Radio Blaring when Parked at Gas Station

Honestly I think think it should be legal to pepper spray these people at will. Ladies you are lucky because you rarely do this. When you actually do it, I just assume it's your boyfriends car and you don't know how to turn the radio off. This is almost exclusively black guys too. Before you cry racism, think about it, and you know I am right. Being a douche transcends all race but I have to include this fact for educational purposes. It's always the worst rap song you've ever heard and is only drown out by the massive truck rattle happening. Do you need theme music to go in and buy a gatorade and some skittles? Has anyone ever really walked you to you and asked what song you were playing because they wan't to buy it? The truth is, from what I can gather, that these songs are usually about big money and getting pussy and being from what I can guess a pretty successful gangsta. But from the looks of that piece of shit you are driving and your spinning hubcaps...that's really not the soundtrack of your life. Turn it down asshole or get some custom plates that just say DOUCHE so we can see ya coming.

8. Boob Shirt Girl That Wants to be Respected

You have giant boobs. Glorious wonderful boobs. I applaud you for letting them breath and be free in the sunshine. You are a hero in my book and keep up the public service young lady. Take care of your wonderful love pillows. But, you can't honestly put on that shirt with the low neckline, that fits tight, hugging the twins oh so perfectly and not expect a man to look. We don't even have control over it. Our heads just turn that way like the magnetic pull of the core of the planet on a compass we know true north and it is atop your Rocky Mountains. Unless you are some kind of heartless sadist that wants to instigate some trouble, you have to over look the looks. I tried hard to keep this off the list because I appreciate the unspoken work you are doing, but too many chicks complain about getting gawked while "minding their own business". Maybe you did just want to go to the mall and pick up a couple of things but your num-nums caused a scene and that is your fault. Let the people look or cover 'em up. Please do not make me add yoga pants to this list. Yoga pants may one day be the cause of world peace.

9. Affliction/MMA Shirt Guy

So I noticed you are in moderate shape, you are genius with the hair gel, and all of your jeans have flaps over the back pockets...but what does that shirt say? Tap Out? Tap out of what? Are you tapped out of personality? And what affliction do you have? Do you have an affliction that causes you to shave your legs and suck a lot of dick? Once these guys have made the decent into douchebag oblivion there is really not limit to the amount of douche bag violations they may incur in just one night out at the douchiest bar in town. It will range from the sunglasses inside at night to wearing so much designer cologne they could could catch fire. These are the same guys that go to strip clubs hoping to find a girlfriend and work out in front of the mirror at the gym. I could go on and on about thee guys but I won't. If I even need any help on shaving a pussy, I know who to ask.

10. Grown men that listen to Drake or the like...
'Nuff Said...

11. People that end everything with "Just Sayin"
I know you're "just sayin" it, I had to sit listen to your stupid ass. Is that really necessary? Most of the time that statement is preceded by something really stupid.

12. People from other States that Live in Texas but talk shit about living here...

Last I checked, we are not under any sort of martial law that will not allow you to cross borders within the country and move back to whatever proud American state or city you are so in love with. You can pack your car, hit I-35 or Hwy 10 and be out of here in no time. Why the fuck would you stay here if you hate it and hate the people so much? We certainly aren't keeping you here. You can always move back to a state that we make fun of. I mean you are grown and able...get the fuck out...

13. Women that are trying to rewrite the rules...

I have been inundated with internet posts about "Real men prefer curves over sticks" and pictures of Marilyn Monroe with quotes about inner beauty...oh my goodness it goes on for days. I hypothesize this movement started when some portly gal named Tundra coined the phrase "a T-shirt and jeans" kinda gal. To address that one, that basically means you have given up. If you are a living the true definition of that label. There are some girls that will make a man a little stupid in the right jeans and t-shirt, but the girls that are using the phrase are not those girls...These are girls wearing mom jeans with a 12 inch zipper and t-shirt that says "Safeway Blood Drive 1998". These are the lost souls that no one wants to look at so they attempted to re-brand themselves into something more desirable. This did not work. Moving on to the girls used to be fat and are now "Curvy". Rebranding again...again unsuccessfully. I heard this one "Real men like steak, not just a bone"...No real men like whatever they fuck they want to like, typically this is not your frumpy ass. Also, there aren't just two extremes in this world. There is more than fat and skinny. There are just really hot chicks and while you are online posting memes about how someone should see the part of you filled with twinkies and ho-ho's, the inner you, those girls are out taking all the guys that don't want to date you. Grab a salad, hit a treadmill, maybe shed some of your heart disease and then maybe we'll talk. See I am not sure you understood the song. It's not an actual milkshake that brought all the boys to the yard. Lastly, stop using Marilyn Monroe as your shining example of womanhood. Most of the quotes you post are just made and she didn't say them. They are interchangeable to different female stars and you will fall for it because the rational part of your brain is filled with angst and candy. She was pretty much a slut and if she were in your group of friends, she'd be the one you talk shit about all the time because you heard she fucked her boss. Most importantly, she worked out, tried to be beautiful but ultimately killed herself by overdosing on pills...just a thought. Also, when we say curvy, we are thinking more along these lines...

Obviously there are many many more but there isn't much time. PLUS this is your opportunity to add your own by commenting below or on Facebook or twitter @prestontown

Is Homosexuality worse than Stupidity? God vs.God

I tried to avoid it but I have to do it. It has to be addressed.

Sometimes I wake up, eat my breakfast, brush my teeth, step out into the world with intentions of conquering the day. Carpe Fuckin Diem man. Then suddenly I feel like I am being surrounded by some army of subhuman imbreds and they are declaring war on anything reasonable. They take grenades to common sense only to be distracted by shiny colors and loud noises. This provides me a small window to retreat back to the safety of my home, sensibility, and quite possibly a good book.

Social media is like a museum for extreme feats of stupidity. It can actually be quite amazing. Most people fear a pending zombie apocalypse, well my friends, I believe it's already started. You can start your observation of the brain dead fiends on Facebook, twitter, and the sort. If you want a good up close look, I suggest the mall in any suburban area or head further out into the countryside where they roam free. It's a spectacle alright...a gross,  putrid, spectacle of the walking dead. Go see for yourself.

Here is a list of what I believe will be the main components in the nitwit atom bomb that will destroy America. Start digging your shelters and don't say I didn't warn you.

 I guess the glaring issue, eh, last week, was the whole Duck Dynasty, Phil Robertson, redneck outrage fiasco. First, the guy has every right to say what is on his mind. The constitution allows us that right now, and they I am sure allowing us to show how doltish we can be will always be overlooked. After all, we are a nation that will only quiet someone down when there is fear of someone losing money. I guess the main argument was that he shouldn't have been fired...well he was for a week. Then he came back. If you think he came back because A&E thought it was the right thing to do, or that your internet slacktivism had anything to do with it, you are an idiot. A&E knows that they would have lost money. They know that some of your hard earned Keystone money was going to them in the form of shirts, coozies, and other fad like items that you will most assuredly be hawking to someone else at a garage sale in 5 years. The only change you made was that someone knew they were about to lose more money by not having him on than by kicking him off. Plain and simple. You can go change your profile pictures back to what they were before.

The other argument for this guy is that he was standing up for what his religious beliefs...so lets talk about that for a minute.

He said he didn't understand what one man saw in another mans anus, likened the lifestyle to bestiality, and also made some incredibly racist comments about the Jim Crow Laws. For those of you that get your information from internet memes, I suggest looking up the actual interview. Have an adult help you if some of the words are too big.  Then came the legions of people saying, very tongue in cheek that they agree with him. Of course no one just came out and said they were against Gays, Gay Rights, or the lifestyle, because I am sure you couldn't remember or weren't sure if you had added any to your 1000 "friends" on Facebook. Although there were a few outlyers that were pretty vocal on their stances and backed it up with editorial Biblical references and little quips. So there it is...they are not defending the man, they are defending the God he believes in! They are coming to the aid of the supreme being that gave them life and all of their many fortunes!  So like a weapon they rip out the Holy text and start fire those words from Leviticus damning these people and all that support them. It was quite remarkable.

It made me wonder, all of these Biblical scholars here fighting all that is good, holy, and American, they must be following all of the other commandments, rules, and ancient statutes set by the Creator himself. I mean, it does say that a man can not lay with another man as he would a woman. So what about the rest of the antiquated laws and rules the Good Book teaches us? Shouldn't we be following those, blindly, out of context, and literally?

I mean there are a bunch and it can get difficult to keep up with. But, for all of you devout followers, this shouldn't be a problem. I will name a few, and since you are so devout, you will know where they are, I shouldn't have to give you the exact verse. Rest assured though, should you need it, this heathen is happen to give you an index.

Because if you are going to suppress a group of human beings, not treat them as equals, and damn them to eternal hell, you must be thinking for the for the greedy, drunkards, swindlers, and good old fashioned adulterers. I mean, we love a good adultery story...as long as it doesn't involve a man with another man.

Seriously, lets keep them from voting or sharing benefits because we are unhappy with their sexual decisions? Even when God calls out all these other folks in his book? What gives them the hall pass?

We still eat pork even though in Deuteronomy it says that we shouldn't. In fact, it lists out a bunch of foods that we aren't supposed to eat.

What about the whole, "Don't kill people" commandment? This great country of ours is great at it. Of course we do it so the terrorists won't keep us from the shopping malls...but we are among the best at slaughtering people. Is it ok as long as we say we are doing it for God?

Also, with divorce rates flying over 50% in this country, what are you so worried about? Chances are, it won't last...just like your failed marriage. Hold on though...isn't divorce a sin too? Wait now I am really getting confused...Gay marriage should be banned but divorce should be an industry? Hell people even celebrate divorces. I guess I am having a hard time understanding where your faith makes any sense.

I have set it before..."If you make divorce illegal, everyone would go ahead and give marriage a second thought.

But I can understand needing to get married since a pregnancy was involved....ooooh shit...wait...Sex before marriage? Isn't that...no it couldn't be, all the faithful redneck teen moms were all married before conception. I am sure of it! Or did you find someway to get God to sanctify your Keystone fueled romp in the bed of a pick up? If you can explain that one to me, I'd sure be grateful.

My favorite were the women that stood forth on mighty pedestals denouncing the lifestyle! I mean, maybe they thought if they made enough noise, people would forget about what the Bible says about women...If you know what it says...then you should probably Shut the fuck up...because that's exactly what it says you should do. And for those of you that haven't been discarded by you first husband and baby daddy, I really hope you are behaving and being submissive to your man...transgressors...You should have plenty of time to practice working at home as it says in Titus.

I guess you could throw back at me that I took some of that out of context...Kind of like you did with the homosexuality text. I guess you could always throw back that some of those rules are antiquated and don't have to be followed. But what makes Homosexuality any different? Who gives you fucking tards the right to judge anyone based on a book you don't even follow? By the code of Jehovah you are all going to hell. So if you don't like gay people now, you should try to get used to hearing a feminine male scream, because you will be spending eternity right next to him. I think the biggest sin here is how fucking stupid you all are.

You know back in the day they had Biblical justifications for slavery. Some racist groups still believe in them.
You used to be able to beat your wife.

But as a group, we slowly but surely grew out of that nonsense. This is nothing different. It just can't make sense to the feeble minded American that doesn't have enough going for them to look up to anyone any better than a bearded redneck asshole.

Also, before you come at me, or judge me, as you have probably done the whole time you read this, you have no idea what my relationship is with God. I can assure you have one and I am a grateful person for things that have been given to me, especially the gift of commonsense and the intelligence to know that rules from 2000 years ago, may not apply to todays world as literally as you think they should.

(For any of you atheist, I know this probably got your motor running, but keep it to yourself. You can be more annoying than a pissed off chihuahua and this isn't the time to hear your nonsense either.)

One rule I will say that should stand today is that you should be good to other people...maybe that will free up some of your time to clean up your own act.

Your Opinion: Is it Valid?

I have been thinking about this whole Duck Dynasty, Phil Robertson, and outraged Redneck America fiasco that has come and past. Some of it was disturbing and hard to swallow like somehow the apocalypse had already happened to our brains and the rest of existence just needed to catch up. It scared me. 

So I am drafting now what could be a law and possibly save us for this nonsense and hazardous stupidity. It may seem harsh, but don't fear, we will leave the TV on for you as not to interrupt the intravenous absurdity most people require to live. We won't take away your fix. You can continue to grow fat and drool in front of your television and spend your money in the free market accordingly. We are just trying to quarantine your mental dribble from those of us trying to get on with our lives in serious manner. Shiny and fluffy toys will be made available for you upon request. 

We are just going to make some adjustments to your freedom of speech and your ability to spout opinions on the rest of us. This is for your own protection and for the greater good of national security, publicity, and overall well being.

1. First if your life resembles some sort of cliche or early 90's Reba McEntire  video, you are no longer allowed an opinion. 

2. If you are a current fan or these musical disasters, you will also not be allowed an opinion on any public or social matter. 

      Nickleback

      Drake

      Aforementioned Reba

      Nicki Minaj

      Justin Beiber

      Miley Cyrus

      Lady Gaga

....these and the like will be reason for opinion termination. This is a living document and that list shall grow as more names come to me or are set loose on the people like rancid poultry causing disease. 

3. If have ever gotten religious perspective from TV or Film. 

4. If you have children and you made their name up or used one of these suffixes and attached your own prefix to create said name. This also applies to taking a traditional name and changing the spelling as to seem more hip and cool with the intention of adding personality to your child  before giving them a chance to develop their own.  You may lose more rights if it comes to light you thought this name was at all creative. 

     Suffix aiden- Examples Braiden, Kaiden, Paiden, and so on....

     Suffix iley or ylee, or any variation thereof - such Briley or Brylee, Kilie or Kylee

Again this is a living document and this list will grow.

5. Anyone that chooses to mix faith with opinion without first seeking the counsel of reason or actual facts. 

6. Pretty much any adult male that drives a small coupe with the intention of trying to make it a sports car. 

7. Any adult male that drives a small car that is marketed as a sports car but is clearly not real sports car.

8. Maybe any adult male driving a small car for any other reason besides budget or environmental impact.

9. Any woman that has been in an abusive relationship but has 10 decent guys in the friendzone. 

10. Anyone, man, woman or otherwise that has used rap/hip-hop lyrics to express how they feel on social media. 

      (Exceptions will be made for The Beastie Boys)

11. Anyone, man, woman, or otherwise that has used any song lyrics on a regular basis to describe feelings on social media. Rap and Hip-Hop were singled out due the extreme repugnance. 

12.  Anyone, man, woman or otherwise that finds any substance or entertainment value in shows or films about pregnant teenagers. Harsher punishments are being consider for this one...

This is a living document and shall grow as needed and as new idiocy arises that we feel we must be sheltered from. 

We protect our borders but we must protect ourselves from the spreading disease or ridiculousness that has a grip on our culture, like a fat baby with a McNugget...there is no hope.