I am under no illusion that 15 years of boozing can be relinquished in a matter of a few months. I realize even a day is something to be grateful for and every day I wake with out the hangover guilties crawling all over my soul. True grit, humility, and trust in my higher power gets me through...but man it's a lot of fucking work folks. No kidding, it's like learning to walk all over again.
I have to second guess most all of my first instincts. My internal compass is broken and often I get lost just sitting on my couch.
I'm not sure people understand why it is that I put this out there. Most people think this a personal, dark matter not to be spoken about freely...well, when the fuck have I ever held back? The fact of the matter is that it keeps me honest. I can stay true to my constitution if I am help accountable publicly. Nothing would be more awkward than to have the conversation about why I made such a big deal about my sobriety, shouted it from the social media mountain tops, just to pick back up the filthy habit. Secondly, I know what it's like not to have a firm grasp on even what the first move is into recovery. I know the alienated feeling. Luckily for me I am not one to be confined by my social status and more often than not, I don't give a shit. Some people do not have that luxury and if they can read what I am putting out there and gives them their first intimation into sobriety, I am happy to have been at service. I do not however, air my business as a way of recruiting or to transition anyone over to the sober side of the street. Some people can drink. Some people can't. Not my business whether or not you are one way or the other. I'm the guy that fell from a sitting position, out of a chair, into a wall head-first at a karaoke bar after about 15 Miller High Lifes...I do not judge. Another valuable treasure posting all this to the world is that I can give a little understanding to my circle of influence about what I am going through. The first month or so people tip-toe around you like you have herpes on your eyelids. Where it is awesome that people care enough to go out of their way to accommodate me, it is a little disaffecting. Please, carry on as you were, I will be fine.
I have to say that the first couple of months are easy. This is the reverse of what I thought it would be. You get on that sober train like new girlfriend and ride it hard. You start telling everyone with great pride and resolve that your are not drinking. You stay hidden and keep yourself from risky situations. You start making plans with your new found sober life, you read, you watch TV. The meaning of songs change and your view becomes a bit more clear...or so you think. On the flipside of that, I genuinely believe that the real work is just starting. Now that everyone is aware and I can silence the battle horns, now that I understand my limitations, meditate, and have the tools to deal with the urges or cravings...now I have to work. Funny shit. See the problem is that once that honeymoon with sobriety calms down, you look around and realize that you have to get on with life. You have to get off your couch, stop hiding, and do something. Since my nature was to always make plans centered around drinking, I am currently in a reconstruction of my social and active life. Sure, I can go hang out with the gang and drink water. I have done it. It was just as much fun and I laughed and joked just like I did when I was drinking. But now those glorious Sundays that seem like they were meant for sitting on a patio and having a mimosa, those have to become something else entirely. It's really easy for the brain to lock up when and the body to shut down when you can't figure out what the fuck you are supposed to do. I mean sitting on the couch in front of the TV is 10 times better than giving in and actually going and having the drink but it's also reeeeeeeeeeeeeeaaaaaalllly fucking boring. You also have to learn to do a lot of shit by yourself and that is not always the most fun.
So far I have enjoyed all the folks that have pulled my girlfriend aside to inquire as to how she deals with it. haha I can speak for both of us when I say it's working well. She hasn't had to drive me home rambling about politics and the standard of social America while speaking in cursive and trying to hold back my vomit. I don't tell her what she can and can't do either. She is her own person and carry on as she likes. My sobriety is my own.
The point I am at now is just making sense of the real world without alcohol. I don't really have any more excuses to not press on and make something of myself. Alcohol was my crutch and excuse for everything and often times even used in my apologies for my more criminal antics. Again, I don't think that 4 months against 15 years is anything I have to get on myself too hard about, but I do have to combat the boredom and would be nice to use all this new found energy to drop some weight and go on some voyages. Not to mention the fact that when I did the math, I have saved over $2000 from keeping it dry! Holy shit. I have paid some bartenders bills man.
There is a lot of work I have put into this but honestly it was coming to terms and communicating with my higher power that has helped. That is some AA verbiagef for ya there. I didn't really think I had one and if I did, I didn't think he was too happy with me anyway. This concept took some getting used to and some awkward tries at meditation and prayer. Just a note, if you are the kind of person to argue this, you can put your opinion in your ass. I am not really at the point I would dare try to convert anyone, seeing as I have a hard time with it myself...But I am certainly not anywhere near giving a shit what you think about my process.
I do have to say that I am grateful everyday. I am grateful for my wonderful friends and all the encouragement I get from reader and acquaintances. This could be a harder road if I had ever allowed myself to be surrounded by shitty people, but I think I have made some good draft picks in the FriendFL. (<---- all="" are="" at="" be="" came="" can="" div="" encouraging="" even="" going="" honest="" i="" if="" just="" least="" nbsp="" of="" or="" out="" put="" read="" take="" that.="" that="" the="" there="" think="" time="" to="" up="" what="" with="" you.="" you="">
Ok...enough of this serious talk...I will go work on something sarcastic and droll.
Thanks for reading.
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