Despondent American

Over the past couple of days every time I've taken a breath and attempted a clear thought I have been accosted with varying and visceral opinions on the state of our country and our people. Our broken land, in dystopian times, disconsolate citizens, are shopping like ravenous swine.

A little story here...

On my way to a Thanksgiving dinner among friends unable or unwilling to be with family, sitting at a stop light a single act of knuckle-headery sent me down a weird path. Honestly something that would have been annoying but easily forgotten before 3 days ago. 

Sitting at a stop light in my turn lane taking inventory of the deviled eggs and spam musubi that was to be our contribution to the dinner, I see in my rear view a couple of neighborhood stereotypes swerving childishly throughout all 4 lanes of the roads. Chrysler 300's decorated with the spoke rims that stick way out to the side, and trunks rattling, they come barreling down the road without regard to other drivers or how they looked like assholes. They bypass normal red light protocol and swerve themselves into the intersection demanding that others stop, watch, and tolerate their little show of gansta bravado. After a few seconds, the cocksuckers moved on into the parking lot of the Shell station on the southwest side. These kinds of displays must work up a thirst that can only be quenched by 40oz's of apathy and fueled by fruit flavored cheap cigarillos. They are social animals, lets make no mistake here. They are a nuisance that may only be missed by their mothers and various drug consumers they cater to. Maybe I am wrapping them in a broad blanket, but I am not convinced they are youth ministers out on a drive to raise awareness about community hunger. 

My first thought was how awesome it would be to see a giant trunk plow into both cars causing action movie carnage and how I would hang around until the last bit of brains was swept from the road. This would at least make their show worth something to me. I had all the snacks I would've needed for the number. 

My next thought was that there are black people in almost every major city in this nation fighting a righteous war against discrimination and unfair treatment by the authorities and the indifference of the awful voting public, and these guys were doing their part to sabotage any bit of understanding that the common news viewer may have mustard up over the past couple of days. This brought me back to center.

I drove on to dinner it was a lively evening with games and food and laughing. 

I remember though sitting and reflecting and trying my hardest to think of a generic social media statement about how I was thankful for things like family, friends, and so on. You know the ones. If not, go look at the one you posted yesterday. Don't get me wrong, this year has been a banner year for me and I have so much to be grateful for including friends, family, and the so on's, but I try to keep it genuine and tell them personally,,,over a text...true modern American gratitude. I also thought back on all the sentiment you see every year, as we are a nation in a perpetual state of war, about our troops defending our freedom and way of life. That wormhole led me to think about our way of life and should I be grateful for it?

I think that is most what I would love to talk about. Our way of life. The way we live. The American way. 

First before the self righteous start with their recommendations that I relocate to another country, let me be clear, that argument is a cop-out, reserved for those that do not have the mental facility to not only understand where someone is coming from but also the inability to think once the right brain emotion centers take over. So before you show up to my house wrapped in a flag demanding my voluntary deportation to France, hear me out. If by the end of this you still do not agree or understand, well, you can eat a dick.

This is my country as much as it is yours and my discontentment is protected under the same rights that we will all probably lose right about the same time. We are all headed for impending doom and our societal and national pride will not matter when the walls come crumbling.

Now that we have that settled...lets continue.

I guess the biggest dark cloud looming right now is the cloud of racism that we pretend doesn't exist. It's so ingrained in our DNA that we assume holding the door for someone of a different race means we aren't racist in anyway. We have a black president now right? How could that happen if racism was still alive? What I keep laughing at is when people try to denounce the idea that racism lives, they say it the most racist ways. We still say US and THEM instead of WE. Don't make the mistake of burying your head or closing your eyes to make the boogie man go away because, that doesn't work. Never has. Let's also not pretend that only white people are racist and everyone else is enlightened to the point of infallibility. In this country almost everyone hates almost everyone and when we don't know how to express it, we start of someone most obvious trait. Is there a solution? I don't pretend to think I know. We would have to rewire everyone at the same time and hope all our stations came in clearly and I don't see the people of this nation ever undertaking that kind of project. We can't be pried away from reality shows and fast food long enough to make any needed improvements. Some people try but the majority of drones right them off as liberal hippies or insane, and disregard what they almost before it comes out of their mouths. Maybe if they didn't smell of patuli oil and stopped reciting tidbits of Bob Marley songs, maybe then. I doubt it though. Also the extremes on all sides smother credibility and closed mindedness dictates that we cannot compartmentalize actions within a predetermined group of people. This is probably why most of America has baled Ferguson protesters and looters all into the same bunch. Anyone with half a mind and without Fox News would agree. So when the my neighborhood gansta posse rolls around like a troop of assholes, negative opinions are easily, though wrongly, confirmed. When the group of cousin fuckers that call themselves the KKK dawn their white hoods and march through cities like a bunch of mutant of tampons, that confirms easily, though wrongly, opinions from the other side. This is just a tiny example as it's just the extremes of the blacks and the whites. I haven't even touched on the Hispanic community, because that is a whole other issue. So before you put on your best face and tell people that you aren't racist, except that even on some small level, you probably are. Then open a dialogue and take the true steps to over coming that malfunction in your software. Racism is part of that American way of life we proudly send troops to defend by killing people that do not live here.

Now while the country is in turmoil over injustice and our militant police force, nothing can stop the next abhorrent tradition shared by all races. Shopping. Like disgusting animals people start circling big box stores hours after what is supposed to be sentimental quality time with family so that we can feed our fiendish addiction to purchasing things at bottom dollar. You cannot beg someone to eat a fucking vegetable because its gross but without a thought our glorious citizens will line up in the extremest weather conditions to buy a printer at half prices. They will lose all humanity over appliances and turn a retail store into a war zone. While they pummel each other, CEO's stay home and enjoy the holiday as their bank accounts quietly but supremely grow from your asinine choice to shop at 2am. I used to think meth addicts were the worst kind of human, but that is changing, every year. You are low lives. You are disgusting and bad people with no moral compass. Not because you are shopping and some guy is working on a holiday, but because you are shopping for no reason, all the while feeding the big business demon that wants to control all of us. They have succeeded, because of you. Anyone that has gotten trampled at a Black Friday fire sale deserves it.

Lets talk more about our way of life that we need to defend. This is fun isn't it. 

We covered racism and consumerism. How about religion?

While built on a conflicting idea, and a constitution that clearly says so, our way of life, when not buying things, dictates that we viciously defend our religious beliefs. We do this through hating other religions and killing people of that faith if need be. Killing is allowed when we feel our strong morality is being corrupted or if that religion has oil. We also use religion to alienate lifestyles that we can't understand. Yeah, I am talking about homosexuals. We refuse to admit that they are guided by a biological imperative. Our most logical and scientific reason is that they would wake up one day, and because of the devil, decide they want to live a life a discrimination and hateful backlash, all for the chance to enjoy dicks or vaginas. Not only do they become condemned to rough life on this planet but you have already determined that they go to hell automatically. Well, gay friends, after I get evicted from America for my lack of government and troop worship, I will probably have to go to hell with you. Christians are obviously the majority in America and ingeniously position themselves as the persecuted any chance they get. Everyone loves a good underdog story right? Like the Marine dad that doesn't want his daughter to be taught about the Muslim religion in school. Yeah, that guy. Now we can't look at this objectively. First we must dress in our best outrage. Most people of the Christian faith would rather pretend like things don't exist or kill it, if it conflicts with their view. Even in a World History that is teaching kids about the Middle East. Learning about that society includes learning about their economics, traditions, and religion. I am certain that it wasn't an ISIS recruitment attempt. The idea of religion is great in my mind. But like most things, when people get a hold of it, it becomes a shit sandwich. A hateful, violent, and annoying shit sandwich.

I am pretty sure we could drill down and unlock the loveliness of other aspects of our precious way of life but I think these 3 things give us a good 30,000 foot view of where we are. 

So you will have to forgive me if I don't have feel sentimental toward America when met with the idea that that our troops are defending our way of life. And you will have to forgive me if I have become a little disenchanted with said way of life. When you look at the facts, the numbers on paper, we are a pretty giant group of assholes with some good guys sprinkled throughout. The only race that should matter is the Asshole Race that we have all become. We are a society that takes no personal responsibility. We kill kids. We abandon our elderly. We cause poverty. Then we starve the poor. When a responsible social program is implemented, we take advantage of it. We kill our brains with booze, drugs, and Top 40 music. We kill our bodies with deep fried everything. And we kill our souls with hate and ipads. Then the best part is that we deny we are personally responsible for any of it. No one is at fault. No one has to accept responsibility if we can blame our neighbors or someone that is different than we are. It's not your fault you're fat. It's not your fault you're a loser. It's not you're fault you're an addict.

Yes, I am despondent and apathetic. I am for once hateful but not excluding anyone While I am grateful and proud of my personal growth and accomplishments, I am sad at the state of the world I live in. So please don't preach to me about how I should be proud of my geographic location. Pride, respect and trust are earned.

Our system, our country, our society, our "Way of Life" are broken. The sooner you stop denying that, the sooner we can start to overcome it.  

  

1 Year Sober. Lessons Learned. People Loved.

A couple of things you should know about me...If secrets were water I would have drown a long time ago. And I am just as good at making strangers out of friends as I am making friends out of strangers. I used to like to think I was complicated with an almost super natural ability to outwit most of the fiascoes I found myself in. The funny part of delusion is that it's invisible to the delusional. I was a blunt object. I caused wreckage where ever I went.

When there was no one around to abuse I turned most of my strikes inward and took it out on myself. 30 beers a night, topped with some grease shack burger, and multiple rounds of self loathing. When people were around I was chaos covered in fun sauce until I perceived you to be a threat to my fantasy world.

When they say the first step is admitting you have a problem, I never understood why. Logically, I admitted to myself several times that I had a problem with drinking. The difficult part was admitting why and accepting that the problem went deeper than hangovers and weight gain. It forced me to look back on the wreckage of my past with new eyes. I couldn't justify all the pain I had caused by just being this crazy rock n roll championing wannabe anymore. I had to admit I was wrong. I had to look directly into the face of my actions. I had to admit that my past wasn't this rebellious play land of silly antics and admit that it was a dark landscape littered with debris and the lifeless bodies of relationships destroyed. I wasn't so fucking cute anymore. Yeah, admitting you have a problem is deeper than just saying you drink to much. Brace yourself, this ones going to hurt.

1 Month.

After a brutal hangover left behind in 30 Lone Star cans, skipping work, lying about it and bathing in disgust. I knew I couldn't touch anymore alcohol. I knew it was over. The party had ended pathetically. Roll Credits. Sometime a week later I went to a meeting of the like minded and pitiful. I had no expectations, all I knew is that it was the right move. The only move left really. After opening my mouth in the meeting and letting some of the darkness spew into the room, it fell to the floor and was covered by empathy and understanding. These people didn't know me, but like me, they were happy to listen and comforted by knowing that somewhere on the East Side of Austin, this guy was wrestling with a similar fate. I was skeptical but I felt lighter. I knew I had to go back. I didn't hear any magical answer that first time, but I did pick up on the energy and the need to repeat this was set.
Still I was a little concerned that this might be one of my desperate gasps at air before someone saved me and then things could go back to normal,  Normal being a gracious round of drinks followed by a tirade on how I could handle things, I just needed to calibrate and handle it my way. I mean, my way had proven itself numerous times before right? All I have to do is inflate some past victory and then shoot for that imaginary standard. Living in the past was comfortable. It's like getting one good night of sleep then trying to stay awake for a week. The first month brought lots of pats on the back and well wishes. Less concerned but more skeptical friends offered up bits of advice and rationale that only alcoholics had. You could see in their eyes their concern for losing someone that validates them and disdain for the fact that my actions would force them, even for a second, to think about where they were at. I was on the newly sober high, if you will, and things were trucking along with a breezy momentum. I new my sobriety was still weak and my situation volatile. So I kept my mouth shut and avoid becoming a preachy preaching machine and sited my decision to be sober for very personal or superficial reasons. I avoided any real in depth chat sessions about it where I could. Some people wanted to dig deeper and to be honest, sometimes I needed to talk about it outside of a room filled with strangers. It the first month, it felt like more of a novelty to other people and support was easy to give. If I had backed out on the spot, no one would have thought any differently and the party would have raged on as if it never happened. I started on September 26th 2013. One month later was my birthday and my first milestone. I went to a meeting, then I went home and watched TV. Alone. It was sort of a Stoic moment. I needed it. I also didn't quite trust myself yet. So despite the many invitations from wonderful friends to at least hang out...I just absorbed and enjoyed the milestone and was grateful I would not start my 32nd year on this planet hungover and regretful.

Month 2

By now the novelty of this sober experiment was strong in me and to those around me. Momentum had me going and sometimes I felt like it was going a little too easy. I had made a deal with myself that as long as I didn't drink I could do whatever else I wanted. I could eat to my hearts content (or dismay) and smoke and be lazy and just relax. Just don't drink. That was my only objective. Baby steps my friend. You can learn a lot from Bill Murray movies, and so I took an excerpt from What About Bob? and rolled with it. Month 2 was uneventful. Still fielding questions from people that sometimes borderline on too personal and quickly lightening up the conversation. I started to notice that people still didn't really believe it was going to be a real thing. Sometimes I think the questions were to get me to second guess myself and sometimes the questions just felt like people have no sense of boundary. We all know I don't scare easily and on the off chance it might help someone, I would oblige.  But the questions started to thin and a quick pat on the back became the norm. But towards the end of the 2nd month, when people realized I wasn't backing away from all this foolishness, things did start to turn weird. The first of two strange occurrences was that it felt like I had told people I had cancer. After the well wishes were over, the awkwardness set in and people tried to cater to me a little too much or keep me at a distance. It was almost like they didn't want to catch what I had or didn't want to face their own mortality. Again, I tried to be accommodating by avoiding my habit to be overbearingly opinionated and evangelical about my new outlook. I kept it to myself when I wasn't hiding out. I knew better than to push the issue but nonetheless people got squirmy about it. This didn't last forever but the first social lesson I learned is that people had to take some time to come around to this new reality. In their defense, me not being a raging fucking idiot and trying to be the center of attention had to be a little off putting. Almost like I was planning something even more diabolical. But if the change was hard for you as my friend, trust me, it was hard for me too. My feelings aren't hurt. The second weirdness came when people weren't asking me questions about it anymore but I could hear them quietly asking my girlfriend how she was handling it. Again, like I had cancer and now she was tasked with taking care of me. They should almost a concern for her well being as I made a commitment to become better. Lucky for me she is awesome and handled all those perplexing shows of concern like a pro. The second month was awkward like a first kiss but I knew if I just kept going it was get better and I would finally get to the good stuff!

Month 3

The 90 Day time frame is this strange and arbitrary block we tend to give things to determine whether or not they are going to work out. 90 day probation periods at jobs. 90 Day weight loss programs. 90 day probations and so on. In sobriety it is no different. Where you first month is huge, getting to 3 months or 90 days is the first major milestone. I felt that day, just like I do today at my 1 year milestone. There had been enough pats on the back so those subsided. People became a little more comfortable and aware of my sobriety. Now the questions changed tone from less about me to more about the people you can tell had been tinkering with the idea for their own reasons. At AA 90 days is long enough to qualify you for chairing a meeting. By then you should be well read in the Big Book, (Which I was not),and even have some helpful tips and hints to give out. The questions changed for the most part from being personal to "Hey, you still not drinkin?" Then moving on. My birthday had passed and now it was the holiday season which was hard. I could no longer just hide out. If you know me, you know that I don't really get into the holiday spirit cheer as it is, so being forced into a room with family or friends and having those contrived conversations about how life is going is uncomfortable for me to begin with. That was amplified by not being able to self medicate, being bombarded with conversations about sobriety and people glad that I "finally" took that step. Not to mention, I had lost all interest in football. But people saying "I'm glad you finally did it." Is a little insulting. That means you sat for years watching it, but never expressed any concern or support before, but now you sit there like some enlightened asshole that knew the end of the movie the whole time. Whatever, thanks for the well wishes. Anyway, I had come too far to back out now. People were well aware of my sobriety and happy to hold me accountable and be very supportive. Some of the awkwardness was still lingering but it was dissipating quickly. Still allowing myself freedom on all fronts as long as I was sober, was catching up to me. The beer belly was turning into a double cheeseburger with bacon belly and my jowls were on par with John Goodmans or a Saint Bernard. While I wasn't hungover any more, and my health seemingly better, I was just fat and that has it's consequences as well. However, it was the holiday season. Time to eat, drink (non-alcoholic beverages) and be merry. I can put that issue off for awhile. By now my positive affirmations and newly found attitude and lust for life had landed me a new job, new car, more money. I was finally not the boyfriend at Christmas promising to "make it up" to Kim when I got my income tax. I developed a habit of waking up and before letting my feet touch the floor letting God know I was grateful for all of these changes and even the tiny things in life I used to be to drunk to notice. All the good feels were all over me. I felt strong. It felt good.

Months 4 and 5

Because these two months are not governed by that arbitrary time frame stigma, these two months really did blend together. By now everyone had settled down and stopped grieving the loss of the fat drunken party favor clown I used to be. They also noticed that I could still be funny and an asshole while stone sober. Although they did see less of it. The novelty of the journey had worn off by now. Now it was just becoming, the way things are. It wasn't new and shiny and people had grown bored with the inappropriate interrogations or ran out of questions.  Either way I was cool with it. I had cooled off on going to meetings too. Some sense of over confidence came over me and I was slacking. I kept up the grateful routine with God but my journal remained blank and my book remained on the shelf. This took a toll. Without and guidance or insight I was fucking bored too. I grew pretty tired of being hold up in my house or trying to find sober things to do. Most of the time, sober adventures are all alone. I like my alone time...but isolation is a motherfucker. While your friends still love you, they will stop including you. My theory is that they just don't want to put you in awkward or tempting situations, and they also don't want to feel obligated to entertain the sober guy. As reality slips away from your drunk friends in social settings, you may as well be alone because you will have no fucking clue what they are talking about. Funny note though, when someone gets really drunk they will tell you how much they respect and even envy you for your decision. They make a drunken proclamation to join you on the journey. I knew better than to ever take that too seriously because most people will stay sober...until the next time they drink. You can't hitch your wagon to anyone else's on this path. You have to take the ride alone. Aligning yourself with someone else means you also align yourself with their problems, shortcomings, failures, and possible relapses. It's best to be encouraging but avoid it. These months are the first glimpse at how you are going to become an outsider. How you will live on the fringes because drinking is pretty much the norm. These months are eye openers when you get the the stage of acceptance of a brand new reality. These were also the months that you have to start moving on with life. You can't continue to take breaks from improving your plight and using sobriety as an excuse. Still holding strong to my anit-sad medications and shoving my fat neck full of fries, I had to start setting some standards and goals for myself.

Months 6 - 9

Month 6 is the 3rd major mile stone. By now you are sober. Your friends are cool with it, life is good and you are really settling into your new self. Knowing I had started slacking, I got back into my meetings, reading, and writing more. Of course too, keeping everyone updated on my progress. I felt strong and wanted other people to know it's possible. I had heard from some people that knew they needed to make the change in course but were having a hard time doing it. I feel like putting this out there has helped and will help. By 6 months, people looked at me and said, "If that fucking guy can do it, I know I can." Good. Do it. I am here to help if I can. Month 6 I had to start taking some responsibility for the other things I was doing to myself out side of drinking. I was 270 pounds, I had the lungs of a 50 year old according to my doctor at physical. (He had no opinion on my balls after he squeezed them.) Now was the time to truly get on my feet and start moving forward. Enough was enough. I ditched the burgers and started slowly making better diet decisions and trying to get out and do something active more and more. I gave the netflix servers a break and probably disappointed the shareholders at What-A-Burger. I probably single handedly caused some exec to lose his quarterly bonus. I got with a nutrition coach and spent an absurd amount of money eating cleaner and educating myself on how to feed myself properly. Part of that education was learning that you don't have to spend an absurd amount of money. Dammit. Healthy and clean eating started to repair and erase some of the years of damage done by binging  on beer and burgers. My head started clearing up and I was gaining a lot of the confidence I had lost long ago. This time the confidence wasn't bravado meant for the general public, but self confidence in that, I actually felt it. It felt good. It was like I got accepted into some secret club that people had been enjoying for years that I was always invited to but never went because I was scared. Fear kept me drunk. Fear kept me unhappy. Fear was my excuse and master. Not anymore. Fear was becoming my bitch. A healthy diet was great but I was still alone with no social outlet and logging far too many couch hours.

 A suggestion from my nutrition coach to join a bootcamp in my neighborhood was probably one of the best things to ever happen to me. I was mortified at the thought of working out in a group, in public, and being instructed. The truth was that my gym membership had just become this thing I got debited for in case my plumbing ever went out and I needed a place to shower. It was useless. I had no clue what to do and zero initiative to do it. No one cared whether I went or not and I couldn't nail down a routine. The first time I attempted to go was at 5:30am. I had no idea what was going on that early in the morning. I didn't know where to go. I was late. I walked up to the wrong camp. It was the worst. I hadn't started and I wanted to give up. But I had already paid so I gave it another shot, this time at a later class. When you wake up and it is still dark outside, it still feels like yesterday. Why do people do that?

At my first class we did some squats and jumping jacks and walk-outs whatever the fuck those were, and some other things and I was feeling the burn! I wanted to pass out from lack of oxygen. This shit was intense. Then the instructor said "Ok, now that we are all warmed up, lets get into the workout." I wanted to cry. This was not for me. Nope. Not doing it. It's stupid. Not my style. I promptly inquired in how to cancel. After a little encouragement from the coach, I returned and kept plugging away. (Fulling intending to quit when my qroupon was up.) Then something dawned on my. Not only was I losing more weight, but people were noticing. I was actually showing up almost everyday. Each class got a little more manageable to get through in that I wanted to die less and less each time. I started making some friends. People were holding me accountable and encouraging me like my friends had done when I first started sobriety. The difference was, these people didn't know me but they cared. No one asked me or judged me about my sobriety. This quickly became a priority in my life. My days are scheduled around my workouts. I go to all the regular classes and then try to cram in classes at other camps on my days off.

One year after going sober, and 6 months into a truly healthier lifestyle, I am down 50 pounds. I went from a 10 minute mile to below 8 minutes. I can do things of athletic origin that I never thought I had any business doing before. I have encouraged people to put in some extra time and made some fantastic friends. Fucking A...Here come those feels again.

1 Year

I am well into my life now. The thought of going back makes me sick to my soul. I am not out of the water by any means. I was born an alcoholic and certain circumstances in my life have just embedded those sleeping demons deeper and deeper. I am in for life long work. But it beats being in for life long defeat. I still have a hard to reconciling my past behavior. I wish I could heal some of the wounds I inflicted on some of the greatest people to ever have been blessed with. I lost a best friends and a wife because of my madness. I don't ever expect to win them back on any level or for them to even want to tolerate me for me a moment and I know that I don't deserve it. But I wish with everything I have and everything I am that I could just tell them I am sorry. I don't ever think in cliches about how I wish I could "Go back in Time". It's not rational and while it is a comforting thought, it is a distraction and to me means I wish I could change it so that I wouldn't have to accept the responsibility for it. They will probably never know about my new life or how I feel. But a lot of what I do is with them in mind. I will never do to someone what I did to them again. Without them I wouldn't even have had the chance to get my shit together because they saved my life several times. Over and over again they put their lives on hold to take care of the guy passed out on the floor. They put their problems on hold so that I could let mine consume me. They spent countless days in uncomfortable situations so I didn't have to step outside of my comfort zone. It has taken me years to truly appreciate the sacrifices they made for me and I will never forget them for it. I hope that they have gone on to be happier than they've ever been and the sun shines on them always.


Now I can focus on the people that are presently in my life. They are no strangers to the tyranny of an out of control drunk that I am best at being. They have lifted me up and believed in me when I had no idea why or how they could.

My girlfriend Kim was the first person to show me the power of a smile. Her patience is something of legend. She has refused to leave my side when it probably made a lot of sense to do so. She has been encouraging when it seemed like I was intentionally sabotaging myself. She is proud of me no matter how small the accomplishment. I may have gotten sober had she not been around, but I would most certainly not be the man I am today without her. She truly loves me and has helped me learn to truly love myself and in turn I have learned to truly, deeply, and painfully love her. Babe! Love!

My family have always been proud card carrying member of the Preston Fan Club and have taken their share of metaphorical beatings from me too. They have always stood by me. They are always available to talk, though I am sure they wished I would talk more. I am so lucky to have been given a support system like this one. My family, the few I do talk to are truly a blessing.

I don't keep a lot of friends due to my strongly held beliefs that most people are idiots, but there is a small of group that I couldn't live without. My friends that have put up with all my antics are what give me energy. I have a great group of friends that accept me for who I am and even kind of like me sometimes. :) You guys are the best. The few, the proud, the Preston's friends. hahaha


This has been a road hard traveled for me. Even though all day I have been trying desperately to process it. It really doesn't feel that long. But when I look at it in terms of progress...1 year no booze. Lost 50 pounds. I can do pull ups. Fuck, even my credit score has gone up...I know I have come a long way. From a weak shattered clown, I am actually descending on normalcy. Or as normal as it gets with me. Instead of letting some corporation control and poison me almost daily, I am living on my own terms. I have learned that fighting conformity is just another version of conforming but that strengthening yourself is how you truly fight back. I spent years doing what everyone else was doing under the illusion that it made me an individual. Something I thought I treasured. But I was was empty and the only way I felt like I mattered was to fill myself up with alcohol. Now true to my nature, I feel legitimately rebellious. Songs that preach anti-conformity actually make sense now that I am in the minority. The minority of people that step outside their comfort zones and take control of their own lives. I no longer feel powerful because I can run someone over but that I have the strength to get up and walk after I fall. I don't know what the future holds for me but I am not scared of it any more. Today I am finally grateful to be alive. I finally feel like I matter. I finally love myself.



I used to fall...but now I get back up.

All About that Bass? You need to be all about a Salad.

 Ladies and Gentlemen, a few times in the last few weeks I have been complimented a couple times on my newer, nicer attitude and outlook. While I appreciate all the nice comments and the fact that you took the time to notice, I don't want anyone to get carried away. Maybe it's sobriety but I have just stop giving a shit too much about people and choose to ignore the things I use to feed on and attack. However, once in awhile there are these nasty occasions where something is just shoved in your face and you can't seem to escape. Recently, I have been dealing with one of those. A song. A stupid horrible song. All About that Bass/Base...Please allow me to respond to this song and those that listen to it and those that are even championing this song as positive body image anthem.



First things first. Just like with all the garbage that people listen to these days, this song was literally engineered and written to hold your brain captive. To the point you crave it and sing it incessantly. There is a computer that they run songs through to determine their viability as a hit and market it based on the results they get. Similar to the chicken nuggets at McDonalds. Nothing organic or natural about it. Just something to tickle the pleasure centers in your brain and get you addicted like sugar or cocaine. This song will die off soon because like the others that have come before it, it is designed for instant gratification, not timelessness. That is a science you can look up yourself. But we need not get into your sheepish thought processes at this time. Let's focus on this ugly rodent of a song and carry on.


But the most disturbing part is that it is being held on high as a song that promotes a healthy body image. So lets talk about that.

Healthy? Basically this is a song that is telling all of the overweight women in the world that there is nothing wrong with them. I agree with this for the most part too. As long as they are leading a happy life and can look in the mirror and be fine with the person staring back. Some people can and I say, keep on keepin on ladies. Now, flip that coin. Most women are absolutely obsessed with the way they look. The constantly talk about it. It is how they measure themselves in society and in social settings. It's disturbing actually. But probably the most disturbing part is that they say it is because that what society is telling them to do. How society is telling them to be. So lets back up...All you sassy BBW's out there are taking away your own identity to blame someone else, then trying to say that this is your way of being an individual. That doesn't add up. I think it's just that you BBW's love you some BBQ but need a scapegoat when met with adversity on the issue. In our country things have changed some where now HEALTH and FITNESS are the measure of not only women but men alike. The mindset is different and there is a distinct possibility that people are really not judging your appearance but your lifestyle. You complain about your situation but rarely do anything about it. Drown your sorrows in ketchup then the rest of us have to listen to long explanations about how you can't help it because of this or that, but at no point to you point the finger back at yourself, get off the fucking couch and workout, or exchange a burger for a salad.

So instead of changing and making yourself happy with yourself, you seek out enabling materials. Role models, magazines, books, and songs. You take a position against what you claim society is forcing on you and women that look and feel differently about themselves.

Now, I know a few girls that have always been thin and have a very hard time putting on weight. See they have physical conditions that keep them from this. They truly can't help it. Now I know that one of the many skills acquired in the fatty life is thinking of reasons why you can't help it. You have thyroid issues, your kids caused it, and the list will go on. The reality is that most of those are bullshit. Shoving snickers bars down your necks and chasing it with Dr. Peppers, isn't a medical condition. Not really. The closest thing to that is alcoholism and there are treatments for that. Again, it's going to come back to personal responsibility. But what you are effectively doing is casting yourself as a persecuted outsider while doing that exact same thing to another group of women. You are telling women that men prefer a girl with "meat". So the girls that struggle with medical issues that keep them skinny are then alienated and told by you that they are undesirable and something is wrong with them. So to fight your cause, you do the exact same thing that is been done to you. And that is where my sympathy flies out the window. Until you can ditch the stereotype of girls being competitive and catty to one another, then you are going to keep going the way you are going. It is self perpetuating. Like it or not. You would actually think that with the all the adversity you claim to overcome, you would have empathy for the others out there facing the same thing just in a different way. You would think this would be something that you would all come together on and try to take the focus away being judged on your aesthetics and lift yourselves up as a group. But you can't do that because you are literally obsessed with finding a mate and frustrated that the quality mates don't want any part of your back fat. So now you write songs tearing someone else down. This is exactly what we are taught bullies do in grade school. Good job.

The worst part is that not only are you defending gravy mountain, but you are doing it with such a stupid fucking song. This is proof that the problem starts in your cholesterol soaked brains.

Here are the facts. Most guys like a girl that compliments him and his lifestyle. Drunks seek out drunks, Runners like runners. And Fatties like fatties. I don't think I could successfully navigate a relationship to the promise land with a fitness model because my heart is not in her lifestyle. But I can tell you that I have to have a woman that has some self respect, goals, and the drive to be better. Not just better with how she looks, but in her career, her health, and success with her life in general. So when I see a giant couch dwelling, pizza snorting, loaf of fatassery, I don't tink think that would compliment my life or my ideals very well and I stay away. Not because she's fat, but because of the lifestyle it must take to get someone down that road. I want no part of it. So I know it's hard to look passed your fat, but you have to look deeper into why you are undesirable to those people you would have as your life mate. It's a combination of things. Maybe look at things like a combo meal for perspective.

So the next time you are shaking your giant ass to that song thinking of how everyone else is the one with the problem, first think about yourself. Are you truly happy or are you avoiding the real issue? Second, think about those girls that you are putting your big fat foot on. Do they deserve this? Third, stop hating beautiful women. The fact is that people will like beautiful people more than average people forever. Luckily I was born with Brad Pittish looks and never have to worry about anything ever. I am one of those fortunate ones....eh...yeah...er...just go with it. Then last, ask yourself, if maybe you should turn off that radio, put down those fries, and get to work. First work on the fact that you are much more than your body, then work on the body you will be happy with.

13 Years Later

13 years ago our country was delivered a devastating blow at the hands of extreme militant cowards.

It is one of those events that burns into your mind and you can remember the exactly where you were and what you were doing when it happened. It was terrifying, stunning, and deeply depressing. For this reason I never care to relive that day in any form. I don't watch movies about what happened, including the conspiracy films. I don't watch the videos of the crashes. I don't relive it in the form of news or radio broadcasts from that day. The memory I have is all that I need. Also, frankly, I don't care where you were or what you were doing that day either. It doesn't matter. I don't need to feel what I felt that day over and over.

I don't need to feel it because the effects of that day are still rippling through our nation and every cultural nook and cranny of our society.

For a brief moment we were brought together in a wave of patriotism and a wonderful feeling as one nation, one community. But all of that quickly dissipated and we starting seeing the flags that once flew proudly from car windows being run over on the freeway. Patriotism went from being a sense of pride for our country to being an outlet for anger, intolerance, and hatred. That day became a sound bite or politicians to use for campaign gains. It became a banner for our backwood rejects to wave around and wear on t-shirts, without actually offering anything to truly better our country. We swiftly became polarized, No one can remember that day without spitting out some kind garbled mess laced with political points of view. You have to sit through conservative propaganda or liberal conspiracy anytime the subject is broached. It is a dishonor to all of those that needlessly lost their lives.

Now we live in fear and the events of 9/11/01 are the spring board for all kinds rhetoric that will label you a trader or blasphemer if you disagree with any agenda even ones having nothing to do with that day.

Since then our society has deeply dumbed itself down. We waste hours of our lives watching rich people live theirs through scripted nonsense we call reality TV. We made a backwoods hillbilly child a start so we could gawk are her like an animal and we follow intently what rich people all over the world are doing. As long as they are fucking and fighting, we stay glued to the TV. If I were to ask someone what the latest was in the world of the Kardashians, I would surely be in for a half hour run down of relationship and new product line updates. If I asked what was going in the war that everyone so adamantly loves to express opinions on, they would regurgitate whatever they heard last from their brief passing look at their news station of choice but that would be about it. We are only conveniently concerned.

Our political and religious agendas stand squarely in the way of any innovation or progress. Grid lock is the norm for our government. This is on any issue that doesn't have to do with rich people getting richer. I think all politicians agree that the rich stay rich. At least we have that. We will stick to the script until it all blows up in our face.

In the private sector people are claiming to build empires based on trends and market research as opposed to taking any risks with ingenuity or innovation. Take an old idea and put the swagger on it then sell it to the product hungry consumer zombies that are haunting the floors of every mall in America. Bombard the masses with needless objects that will keep them glued to their TVs and applauded by their equally brain dead friends.

Our entertainment industry is designed to keep us seated and sedated and stupid. About as deep as people want to look into music are songs about big asses, fucking, money, and the recovery from a broken relationship. Music that has inspired introspection is now just about being self centered. Only repetitive beats, manufactured specifically to what the industry knows you subconscious will respond to and lyrics that inspire you to do whatever can to improve your social standing or get over a lost lover. As long as we can get drunk and dance to it, we are fine. Just don't make us think.

People are obsessed with relationships but no one knows how to make one work. I almost expect when I meet a family for some of the kids to not look like both parents. What we fail to realize is all that nonsense from movies and music we eat is garbage and real life does not end on two people kissing atop a skyscraper or in the rain at sunset.

We complain constantly about our food but the majority of our population still gravitate to drive thrus and eat meals from paper bags. Then we claim to have no personal responsibility for this decision. We are corrupted and held captive by corporations. We are completely comfortable with the fact that someone else is making our decisions. We want to be free but we want the government to step in and make these corporations stop making our decisions...it doesn't make sense.

If we aren't blaming corporations, we are blaming the government and no one turns their finger toward themselves. No one really stands up to do anything about. We have become a nation of slacktivists where the lengths we will go is only as far as our social media pages will let us. We think that clicking and reposting is the answer. We hold this act up as a way to raise awareness. We are all more aware of things than ever before but no one is actually active. We will repost but we won't donate. We will dump cold water on our heads to keep from donating. We will tell of the struggles of the impoverished and less fortunate but we will not volunteer our precious TV time to actually helping.

We are in a constant state of fear and war, poverty, and sickness but yet we have people that principled stances on things like public breast feeding. We are secure from outside threats of terrorism but our own police force have turn into abusive bullies with little to no accountability. Our schools are run like prisons, and at home kids are treated like accessories or extensions of their parents style and we can't seem to understand how we are failing our youth. But still, lets sign a petition that says women can breastfeed in restaurants. Divert your attention from the bigger issues and lets work on our pettiness.

Where once we were united as one nation with a common enemy, now we are back to our old ways with racism and hatred. Racism is a game no one will ever win in this country. There are so many hateful biased people on one side and on the other it doesn't matter what you do or say you are racist. For me, being white, I have to watch what I say or do and tolerate the reversal in racism. We justify this through "Well you started it" policy. So I must pay for the sins of true ignorant bigots. Also, I am not allowed to have an opinion about things that directly affect me if it has to do with another race. No one can accept that we all have biases and that is not going to change. No one seems to want to accept that you are perceived by how you present yourself and that if you don't want to be thought of a certain way then you should probably not act the way you do. This is a across the board for every race, gender, or sexual orientation. And if you want people to take your cause seriously, then you need to take yourself seriously.

I think that basically what I am getting at here is that 9/11 for me was horrific and I had hopes that the country as a whole would work to become greater afterward, but we haven't. Somewhere along the way we sold our souls for security and toys. Memorials are sponsored by corporate pirates and we run out to buy their shit as fast as we can. We have developed an uncanny ability to live in denial about the true state of our union. We keep our heads buried so deep in bullshit that we have lost our ability to do actual great things. Now we just buy things and watch things, get fat, and hate people. Bullets and social media have become the new national pass times. We were once a nation of great men and women and now we are a bitter hole that celebrate pregnant teenagers and worship narcissism.

My brother and my father both went over seas to fight. I am not for a second discounting the sacrifices they made for what they believe in and our country. I am however saying that I wish they could have come home and known they fought for something a little better than what we have now.

So while you are reminiscing and taking this opportunity to let all your friends know just how much you love your country, think about how you could make it better. Think about how you could do something with your life that would reflect in a positive light what it is to be American. Think of someway you could be looked at with pride as opposed to an ever inflating fast food fueled mall fiend.

I love my country. I like the idea of what we have. I just feel the bright light is fading. What could you do to make your country better? What could you do to show that we have prevailed over this evil? What can we do?

God Bless America.

Depression And Carrying the Weight of a Heavy Heart

I thing this song, explains pretty well how it feels. Please listen.

You can say that suicide is selfish, but I think someone dedicating their life to bringing happiness and joy to so many people for so long, despite the pain, is probably the most noble and unselfish thing someone can do. Thank you Mr. Williams. You will be missed. Rest in Peace.

Depression is a topic I try to avoid here on the blog. Because, well, it's depressing. But, with the passing of a legend like Robin Williams, maybe we can broach the topic. Put simply, I want to talk to you folks that have strong opinions on the subject but a weak understanding of it.

This disease is often met with ignorance or pity but rarely understanding.

Monday morning, I woke up when my alarm went off and true to routine, like everyday, talked to God. Every morning before I put my feet on the floor, I tell God and the universe I am grateful. I am grateful to be alive and sober another day. But the minute I tried to lift my head from my pillow, a weight pulled it back down. My body was so heavy and my mind was just sad. My eyes couldn't stay open. I fell back asleep thinking I needed a little more time...but an hour later, same thing, 2 hours, same thing, 3 hours, same thing. I did this until 11am. I never do this. At 11am I made myself get up. But I was still so heavy. Today was going to be a rough one. I know this feeling and there is not a lot to do about it. "

Roll with the wave because it is coming whether you like it or not. This is going to hurt like hell but you have been here, it will be over soon enough." This is the conversation I have with myself. I am all too familiar with the pain. Depression is a battle I fight too.

I didn't do anything that day but sleep. I would let the TV lull me in and out of slumber. After sleeping all day, I went to bed at 7pm. I just needed to start over.

Right before bed is when I saw the news of Robin Williams.

Days like that happen less and less for me these days with sobriety combined with a healthier lifestyle, but they happen. The darkness that comes is indescribable. I am beyond crying. I am just submissive to it and have to ride it out. Although, I can say that I am one of the luckier people in the world that also has a fighting side to me. A side that even allows me to pick myself back up and carry on. It takes work but that side is getting stronger.

So for those of you that say "It's all in your head." -----Well no shit asshole. But it's not something you get to consciously control like holding in a fart. It's a disease. Maybe a little similar to how stupid people like you are. Hell maybe you can't help it either.

Depression is often combined with crippling addiction and self medicating. I know this because that is another battle I fight. I have been sober almost 11 months and I am nowhere near out of the woods on that. I have to diligently monitor my situation, surroundings, and feelings as well as throttle my activities as not to be put into bad situations and maintain perspective.

Everyday I wake up is a blessing, but it is also a war.

Depression can be kept at bay by medication and a healthier lifestyle. But it is always there. We have no illusion that one day it will just be gone and we will exist like everyone else. All we can do is fight and hope for those brief moments of clarity and peace. Just five minutes with a clear head. Sometimes we use laughter to keep the demons away. But we know they will be back. It is vicious.

Depression doesn't care if you have money and a great career. If it was a simple as waking up, counting your blessings, and getting along with your day then we wouldn't be here right now. It is a chemical imbalance. It hurts. It hurts your mind, your body, your sole. It hurts all the way down to you very existences sometimes. So the comments about how someone that is rich can kill themselves because they have money, are just ignorant. People that say that are idiots and most likely absorb themselves in reality shows and sports because they have no true grasp on reality anyway. You can buy this stuff away. There is no amount of money that will change who you are or the way your brain works.




Take away the madness and you take away the genius.

Some people, like Robin Williams, Kurt Cobain, and even myself have built our lives around the talent that comes with our sickness. I have been told that I am funny and could probably have a future in that. Most comedians are sick. Depression has also given me keen insight into how people work and that makes me a successful salesman. Sometimes, you can't escape it because it is just a part of who you are and a part of what people expect from you.

Treatment for depression is difficult. Yes it is easier to get treatment if you have money. Although obviously not always effective. But for someone like me, my insurance gives me constant shit about covering my medication and it is expensive. It is even harder to find a doctor or counselor that even accepts insurance. So with $150 per hour rates, that route is a little out of my league. This forces me to read and work and fight. Mental illness is not looked at like other things or even a priority in America because we think we can white knuckle through anything. If I wanted to go get pills to make my dick hard, that is covered. If I want to go find peace...that is not covered.

For those of you that against doctors and into alternative treatments. Let me stop you right there. I don't get to go sit naked in my yard listening to bird sounds, take some fig leaf, and drink tea and then this will magically disappear. Weed isn't the answer either. It does help with symptoms but it's not even close to being an answer. I don't a vacation for a couple hours. I want this chemical imbalance in my bread to be fixed. Don't be so self righteous. You are just as bad as everyone else.

I guess what it comes down to is that this is real. This is something that people lose the battle with all the time and even those of us fighting hard may even succumb to one day. Some days are better than others.

You can't judge someone based on how you think life is. If you think money is the answer, then keep listening to Kanye West and keep you mouth shut. You are an idiot. Money helps, but that makes the situation even sadder. It takes understanding and awareness and the powers that be to get involved and say that is serious and we are going to try to help. This is a real disease. Sometimes something causes it, and sometimes it is just hardwired into someone when they are born. Sometimes it is a combination of both.

If you are struggling, I am always happy to talk or to not talk and just sit so you don't have to be alone. My hand is always out for you.

I am glad that Robin Williams tragic death has helped to start this dialogue. Maybe, like with depression, talking about it can help.

Thanks guys,


Try to be understanding.


This song is to all my friends that constantly help keep my head above water. I love you guys.



 

Basic Man Rules for Increasingly Bizarre and Childish Society

Freedom son, is a dirty shirt. The sun on my face and a shovel in the dirt. A shovel in the dirt keeps the devil gone... - Bruce Springsteen







We live in different times than our surly grandfathers. The world has shifted in a lot of areas that no longer require the stone jaw and leather skin of the old west to get us through life. This is for sure. We have laid down our guns and picked up pens and mobile devices in their place. The world is evolving and that is ok. I'd like to live past the ripe old age of 35 and it not say "Taken By Consumption" on my tombstone. So some of the rules have changed. The dynamic is different. But there are still basic principles all men must live by. If we abandon these principles then humanity is doomed. To tell you the truth, I am not sure how much hope we have. I hope this can help. Below is a list of the rules a man must do his best to adhere to. Some of you may need to take off your pastel shorts and get comfortable. A lesson needs to be learned here.


1. Appropriate Dress and Attire for a Man

We may as well start here because in Austin TX, this is the biggest offender of manliness to date. Under no circumstances  should you for any reason wear skinny jeans. By some fucking pants that fit you smelly asshole. This goes for the filthy hipster types and you douche bag dance club sissys. Grown men everywhere do not care to see the silhouette of your tiny camel nose, nor do we want to walk behind an adult that appears to have shit in his pants. This is unacceptable.

See as men, we should dress for function and comfort. If you are sassy man obsessed with keeping up with the latest trends in order to improve your higher social standing or to appear more appealing to partner of your choice, you are doing it wrong. If you are over the age of 25 and still doing this, all hope may be lost. You should contact your father or a father figure and try to trace your steps back to where you went wrong. No one takes you seriously dressed like a high school freshman.

This should also include shirts with passive aggressive political statements. Don't be that guy. If you believe something, actually do something about it. Don't spend $20 on a made in China shirt to tell passing citizens of your disdain of whatever pussy issue you have taken stake in. We don't care and it won't change our minds. This goes for conservatives and liberals.

If you are wearing shoes that can't get dirty then you better be going to a church for a funeral or wedding or a job interview. I think when people in the 80's started killing other people for their shoes, it was just an attempt to get you assholes to stop this madness. If you want to impress a 15 year old girl with your shiny new high tops, then go ahead but I don't think they allow Jordans in prison.

2. Facial Hair / Head Hair

Again, we are not in post Civil War American and we have the ability to trim and shave as we please. We also have the right to let it grow out and make ZZ Top proud. Some men prefer the clean shaven look and that is great. Some of us have trimmed and shaped beards. Some enjoy the wooliness of wild man beard and that is awesome. The only real rule here is to commit. That little line down your face and around your chin shit has got to go. That is the equivalent  of drawn on Chola eyebrows. It is nonsense. You also may not shave designs into your face and head. In the words of Jack Donaghey from 30 Rock, "Your hair is your head suit." Man up. Current or future employers will not appreciate your swirly line design on your dome. Unless of course you have a real passion for deep fryers. You must also admit when something is a lost cause. If your mustache is growing in and looks like a thin film of fruit mold after a few weeks of trying. Just give up. Some of us just can't pull off the Sellek. Not your fault, but move on. Lastly, at least make an attempt to keep it clean. No one wants to smell that mess man.

Note: Any and all man points are null and void when a beard is combined with skinny jeans.

3. Jobs/Careers

Get a fucking job. A real man should at least be self sufficient if not take care of his own. You don't have to be a CEO or keeping chasing that fucking hopeless dream of being the big talent in your favorite medium. A real man will take what job he needs to to sustain himself and take care of his priorities. There is no shame in flipping burgers or putting your back into some labor work. If you are working, you are doing it right. Real men don't live off handouts and favors. Pick up a book and learn a trade. The library is free. We all need help sometimes. That is ok. But when you borrow, you should be grateful and fully intend to return the favor in full within a reasonable amount of time. If you ain't got a job, don't even think about asking me for money for any reason, especially nonsense kickstarter campaigns. Try to adhere to the first two rules to help you along with this one.

A little subtext to this is that every man should have a basic understand and handle on minor repairs and projects. It is not acceptable for a man to have to call a contractor to his house to fix minor things like leaky faucets, broken windows, or to mow the lawn. Get your ass up and get your self a well furnished tool box, and learn to do something with your hands besides jerking off.

4. Women / Elders

Chivalry is not dead gentlemen. When you can, hold the door for a lady. Unless she's a bitch, then wait until she almost grabs it and let it go. This isn't the world of King Authors court, but we must at least try to be polite and kind when we have a chance. A man that is secure in himself is not threatened by humbling himself into doing something nice for someone in passing. Strength of character is just as important as your precious pectoral muscles you so diligently work on and creepily stare at in the mirror. Grow a pair and show some respect. Every man can be a leader and true leaders take care of people. Friends, strangers, family...Everyone.

5. Children

I don't care if you are an oil field rough neck, an MMA fighter, or you work in an office, when a two year old hands you a toy phone, you answer that motherfucker. A real man understands that children are our future and one day will be deciding our fate as we soak in the glow of television with shit in our pants. If not just because it's the right thing to do, it is the smart thing to do. Our children's safety, happiness, and overall well being should be our priority. This does not mean that you walk on egg shells around the little tyke. You show them how the world works, teach them, and set an example. It is really disappointing to see a grown man in a grocery store losing a dispute with a small child as the world looks on. You are the man and should have already earned and demanded that rug rats respect. Get it together. No one wants to go out to eat and listen to your little shit cry while trying to enjoy an entree. You can't reason with a kid like you would an adult. You know why? BECAUSE THEY AREN'T FUCKING ADULTS!

The only thing more disappointing than watching that fiasco unfold is seeing a grown man hit a kid. This isn't very popular but I am against spankings. I know the argument that spanking is different than beating but the same principle applies. I will have several people living in trailer houses, with no money, or future tell me how their parents did it and they turned out ok. Well, no you fucking didn't. Unless you just have really low standards. Argue this with me and I will tear you apart but taking an honest inventory of all your favorite attributes.

Unless you are using a hammer and nails, you shouldn't have to hit something to make it work the way you want it to. If you do, that just means you aren't smart enough to be in the position you are in. Use your head, not your hands or a belt.

Adhering to the above rules should help you set the example you need to for your child.

6. Music

To lighten the mood a bit lets talk about music. Our planet is covered in wonderful art and music of kinds. Also, most people that do not adhere to at least 4 of the top rules are most likely not going to adhere to this one. They are the lost souls. All I can say is that if you are grown man listening to music that sounds like a phone being dialed on top of a beat, you have got to get your shit together. I'm sure your stripper girlfriend loves it but when she leaves you for a real musician, maybe you will grow out of it. Electronic dance music is made for the mindless and inebriated. If that statement does not make sense to you then my point is proven. Also buying into the latest trendy music like Nickleback to Kanye is red flag. That is music made and distributed like McDonalds chicken nuggets. It's horrible for you and cheap and you should really chose something healthier. Have a little self respect. Pick up an old Johnny Cash or Black Sabbath album and grow a little.

7.  Automobiles

A real man will do what he needs to do to get around so he can take care of his business. Whether that is on a bus, a bike, or in a backfiring ticking time bomb in the form of an old Corrolla. You do what you have to do. I am not a car shamer. I am also not one of those fuck heads that are in some kind of life long dispute over whether or not Ford or Chevys are better. It seems like a wasted argument. So my only real advice comes to those of you that have the money are going out to intentionally buy the car you will be driving the next few years. If you are a grown ass man and you chose to drive a tiny import that sounds like a farting bumble bee. You have issues. Cars like clothes should serve function and not be purchased on the basis of improvement of social standing or to impress middle schoolers. You are not Paul Walker. Give up the dream. These are also the guys that drive them like fucking idiots. You can race me all the way to the next stop light bud. You're car may be faster but clearly from the choices you make, you aren't going very far.

8. Confidence

Along with respect for others a real man must possess some sort of self worth. Again I state that if you follow the above rules, you won't have a lot of trouble with this. Confidence is not shown by being a dickhead bully. Yeah I am talking to you guys driving giant jacked up trucks. These jackasses on the highway driving like they are the only people with somewhere to be. You need to calm the fuck down. Confidence is truly shown by not being affected by little things. Patience. Understanding and having a clear head at most times. If you have fight everyone you meet, you are clearly trying to keep people from realizing you have a tiny penis. You are also the guy that a real man will tear the fuck apart. Your posturing will one day get your ass kicked. No one likes a bully. You are not fooling anyone. Stand tall, feel good, but be a man about it.

9. Patriotism, Racism, and Faith

This is a hard one because everyone has a different view point and pretty much any thing anyone does will cause someone else to call them a trader, racist, or blasphemer. I survive this by not giving a shit what people say or think about me. See rule 8. Confidence. I don't do things that will hurt someone else because of some unsubstantiated belief I have. My beliefs are my business and at no time do I feel like I need to push them on you like a late night car commercial. And as far as I am concerned people can do whatever the fuck they want as long as they are not hurting me or the helpless. Real men do not use faith to impede the happiness or rights of other people simply because they chose to live a different lifestyle. Real men do not actively hate a group of people based the fact they are frightened by their culture. And real men do not look at their neighbor as a trader simply because they don't agree with the way things are done in society. Don't get me wrong, stereotypes exist for a reason. I wouldn't leave my car unlocked in a ghetto but I also wouldn't leave it unlocked in an East Texas trailer park either. I mean fuck that, I'm not an idiot. Every group of people have someone representing them that the would probably shut up if they could. Most times the idiots are the loudest too. But real men live and let live. Real men aren't afraid to understand something. Real men have the capacity to accept and love.

10. Social Media

There is nothing wrong with having a little privacy men. I post a lot on Facebook and the Twitters but most of it is nonsense like dick and fart jokes. I like getting a laugh out of people It's kind of what I do. But for God's sake, have some dignity when shit happens in your life. Don't get on Facebook and cry so that people can give you a nickle worth of sympathy. Man the fuck up and deal with it.

11.  Health

Lets start with food. It's the funny popular thing to do to pigeon hole men into steak wrapped in bacon eating neanderthals. However some of us want to live a little longer and not feel like shit all the time. But if you are going to be the guy that has taken a stance against every single meal other people choose to eat, then bring your own bean and bitch soup to my BBQ. Don't ask me if I will have healthy or vegan options. If I invited you to my BBQ, then that should pretty much tell what is on the menu. It's not everyone else's responsibility to make sure you eat like a fucking rabbit. That's on you. Good luck with it. But, men, most of us have people that depend on us. We have to get some vitamins and nutrients in us and shoving wads of fries into your gullet isn't going to keep you around very long. A real man can power through a salad. Come on, you can do it. When your belly is full of polups when you are 50 and someone has to change your shit bag, you will wish you had. Also everyone will hate you for it. Secondly, a real man can make pretty much anything taste good on the grill. If you can not do this, again I suggest you speak with your father or a father figure. Some men live pretty physically taxing lives as part of their jobs and are built like fucking buffalo. But a lot of us sit in an office chair all day every day, then we can't wait to leave so we can go home and sit in another chair and watch tv. Get off your ass gentlemen. Take a walk. Let that walk turn into a run. And maybe throw in some push ups. If you are working out to impress the ladies, then whatever. If you aren't adhering to the previous rules, you probably do not have nor will you get a good woman. But we all have people that think we are important and it is up to us as men to not let them down by turning into fat cancerous fucks that need our asses wiped.

12. Relationships

As real man Kenny Rogers would say, Know when to hold em. Know when to fold em. A real man can stick through some shit with his lady friend/or partner. He also has to know when shit is just toxic and its time to move on. And yeah that's right. I said partner. I hope that through out this blog you didn't get the impression I was implying that homosexual men can't be real men. Because they can and most are from my experience. I just wanted to note that for you out there that may have thought different. Though they must still apply these rules as well.

A real man will stick around and doesn't ask to be taken care of. In this current day and time there is nothing wrong with a 50/50 split of responsibility. That in fact is pretty common and the way I prefer it. I have no intention of turning my lady into some kind of home bound hopeless sap without goals. I love her success. I also have not intention of using her success and me being pregnant and barefoot in the kitchen either. We lean on each other at times but we support each other through thick and thin and that is the way it goes. I have not intention of baling at the first sign of trouble. Real men fight for what they love.

I don't take out my insecurities on her and make every single one of my self absorbed problems hers. She is a constant reminder why I need to improve and be better but she also reminds me that I need to do it for me and she will do it for her. It all just kind of works. But real men aren't mean to their women. They have taken the time to find someone that actually fits instead of conning someone into being with them just to try and change them later. If you can't celebrate who your partner is without trying to change them, you are with the wrong person. If you are constantly insecure, then maybe you aren't fighting your weight. Either improve or find someone that doesn't scare you. But you shouldn't treat someone like shit because you feel like shit.

Most people are in relationships just because they are afraid to be alone and I tell ya man that is bad road to go down.

You also can't be the guy that keeps one foot out of the door just in case you see some greener grass. If someone is committing to you, then you need reciprocate or leave. Don't drag someone along behind you because you are too much of a pussy to let them be happy without you. I can speak to this one because I did it and I feel horrible for it. Lesson learned though.

A real man never abuses verbally or physically. There is nothing more pussy than a boy that will show his dominance repeatedly to someone that isn't fighting back. That my friend is called a coward, and once again, real men catch tale that you are doing that and you mind yourself in bad way.





Conclusion-

The reality is that there are not real set of rules because life is nuts but we can of course all try to uphold some semblance of decency and self respect. Do what you do but be conscious of how it effects the people that love you. Pull your fucking pants up. Put on a shirt that fits, and go out there be a man. And try to leave the world a better place than you found it.

Weight Loss Information Overload!

Yeah I know a lot of my recent entries are about fitness and healthy living. Well, I write about what I am going through because that is what's happening in my brain.

When it comes to fitness and healthy living there is a lot of information out there. There are a ton of people that want to help and offer advice. Some of these people know what they are talking about. In fact, they know too much and it is annoying. Then there are the folks that are still super unhealthy but still for some reason think that the advice they have to offer is somehow valuable in some way. More annoying. So let's start with them.

There are certain topics of conversation that everyone has some kind of input in. Wondering what is wrong with your car? Post it on Facebook and suddenly all your friends are mechanics or they know a guy. Have some obscure legal issue? Bring that up and everyone you know becomes a lawyer. Want to lose weight? Well everyone that owns a tv or has internet access thinks they are fucking Julian Michaels or something. From there permanent roots on the couch or in their chair, they will spill all kinds of advice, info, and not well researched internet sputum all over you. They will justify this advice as someone they know did it and it worked or they had done in their past and it were successful. This is often followed by the excuse as to why they are not doing it now.

"Well since the baby..."
"I just work too much..."
"Since I got sick..."

And the list goes on. They should google articles on how to overcome making lame excuses. Getting in shape and healthy is hard and I am not going to listen to someone in worse shape than me give me advice on how to better my situation. I don't go to McDonalds expecting to find some healthy food. So if you are that person, shut the fuck up. I know you want to be a part of the conversation and come across smart. The thing is, you have to earn that. Go work out, eat healthy, and struggle with all the mental bullshit that comes with the lifestyle and then you can join the group. Until then, shove another cheesey poof in your mouth and watch TV quietly.



The second group of people are the that are already and always have been in shape. Now these people do come to the table with some credibility. Obviously they have the shit worked out, they have good habits, and probably know a few tricks of the trade. What they do not know is the struggle of going from being fat and out of shape to making better decisions, changing your habits, and working out the mechanics of everything you fucking do every day. People like me have had to completely change the way we think. We started at a deficit. And while we love hearing tips, advice, and best practices, it can become a little overbearing when someone doesn't understand why you don't just immediately get it or change instantly. A good portion of this is mental and emotional. We are becoming different people. Before you start spouting off how easy it is, remember that you didn't start where we did. Lend a hand, be encouraging, but know when to back the fuck off.


The last group can include people that have lost the weight or the people that have always been healthy. But these people are the people that will flood you with information, tips, advice, tricks, and so on. It never ends. And once you think you have tackled one challenge, their "help" tends to make you think you have taken a step back. These are the extremists.

You eat a banana and they will tell you that you ate the wrong kind of banana at the wrong time of day with the wrong hand at the wrong house on the wrong planet.

Fuck you.

The reality is that people that struggle with weight issues are professional rationalizers and excuse makers. Sorry if this hurts feelings but it's the truth. I don't buy into the million and one excuses I hear all the time. If you want it, if your life depended on it, you would find a way to do it. But once you have made the realization and you have started down the path, that is awesome. No one is perfect and there are going to be a lot of challenges in the way that you will have to overcome. Some big but most of them are small minute to minute decisions that you didn't even realize were affecting you in the past. A good example is Mayo vs. Mustard. Your favorite maybe mayo but mustard is the obvious better choice for weightloss. It's crazy because before you just answered without thinking and now you are having to stop and think about it. Each tiny decision like that takes a toll throughout the day.

So when there are these people out there that start regurgitating everything they read on douchefitness.com about how there are radio active meteor particles from the government in your Cheerios, it then becomes another fucking challenge. All the information blends together and you can't remember which vegetables are good and which ones are laced with heroin.

My advice is this. Keep making the small steps and ignore all the information that is not relevant to what you are doing right at that moment. You will figure out the deeper science of things along the way and gradually but right now you are just trying to accomplish one small goal at a time. Don't worry about where the chickens are raised that lay the eggs you are going to eat in the morning. Just make sure you are eating a healthy portion and not snorting pancake batter for breakfast. It's one better decision at a time.

When you are hungry and out and about, your old habit tells you to just swing through Taco Bell because you are busy. Maybe this time, just go to Subway. Even if you get a super unhealthy sandwich, you made a better decision than to keep on the path of Taco Bell. Start there.

When you are grocery shopping, you don't have to read the back of every box you pick up. You know whole wheat tortillas are the better choice than regular ones. You know that even though milk is bad for you, 2% is better than whole milk. Drink lots of energy drinks? Try some coffee instead. Want a soda? Maybe a water this time.

When you reach out grab something, just think what the slightly better alternative to that will be. Eventually, your whole grocery basket will look different. Instead of boxes and boxes of processed food and frozen dinners, there will be more fresh food. The key word is eventually.

My point is that in this overly conscious and slacktivism driven world, no matter what you buy, someone is going to tell you that there is something better. Or how one ingredient in it has been proven to kill rats. Everyone thinks they are informed and will try to help with shit that doesn't help what you are dealing with right now at this very moment in your life. If you can train your brain to go on autopilot of those small decisions that we deal with day to day or minute by minute, then you can focus your attention on the bigger things like joining a work out program or really drilling down on your eating habits and what you are eating. It all starts with habits. It all starts small. For me this whole things started with booze. It was killing me. So I decided to get rid of it. When I did that, that is all I did. I didn't care what I ate, I didn't exercise, I smoked, and I did pretty much whatever I wanted to as long as I didn't drink. Goals are important to have, and setting deadlines is helpful, so I set some soft deadlines to reevaluate things when I go to them. The first 3 months of being sober I didn't do shit because a person only has so much willpower and decision making ability to spread around through the day. After 3 months, I reevaluated where I was and made the decision to start eating healthier. And where did I start? Just by making small better choices. Cooking at home instead of eating out. Wheat instead of white and so on...After a little time, about 2 months I stepped it up to full on clean eating, food measuring, ingredient reading kind of stuff. I gave myself nearly 6 months to start all of that. In that 6 months I still last 30 pounds and I didn't die of corporate poisoned food. Weird huh?

My biggest piece of advice if you want to take it is keep it as simple as you can. Just make sure you are at least stepping in the ride direction before you start running. That is the easiest way to get frustrated and have a burger out of sheer spite. Don't listen to everything everyone has to say. You aren't stupid. You are just learning and practicing. Tony Romo can tell you how to through the perfect pass but you have to practice at it and fuck it up a few times before it will come to you. Set some goals but dial them back a notch. If you want advice, ask someone but be careful who you ask. Beware the extremists. They can be more of a problem than a help.


As I am typing this I realized there is one last group I can quickly mention...The "Short Cutters"

Anyone that tries to sell you something, or mentions something that is going to "knock that weight right off" is an asshole. Healthy eating and living is a lifestyle. It is habit. It is not easy at first. But there is no shortcut. Sure, if you are in situation of lose 100 pounds or you will die in the next year, then you may need to do something extreme and I am sure a doctor or nutritionist will be available to guide you through that. Other than that, smoothie fasts, pills, and deprivation diets are stupid. You have to just learn how to eat right and the right things to eat. This has to last you the rest of life. Not 7 days of drinking of chocolate flavored powder that makes you poop 8 times a day. Network marketing nerds are the worst about this. The problem is they are not health specialists, they are sales people and have no business suggesting this to anyone. We need food. There is no 3 weeks to sexy beach abs for people that are 20 pounds or more overweight. There is a bigger issue that has to be addressed gradually. The biggest reason for that is so after you literally work that ass off, it doesn't come back. Also most of those things just make it harder to lose the weight the next time. There are no shortcuts but you have your whole life to live and you don't have to be in a hurry. When you do it right the first time, you will feel a lot better about it and those same assholes will be out there on yo-yo diets spending hundreds of dollars on garbage. Just eat! Eat well! Stay hydrated and don't let yourself get hungry!

God bless you if you are just starting the transition.  If you are in the thick of it, keep going! That is where I am. If you have made it to your goal weight, encourage people but don't be a douchebag about it. Try to remember how if felt for you.

That being said, I am hungry and I need to eat my lunch.