30 Day Paleo Challenge Results

Here I am 30 Days later like Morgan Fuckin Spurlock. 30 Days all Paleo all the time. It has been an adventure...er...not really, but it was pretty fun. I really started with high hopes and stars in my eyes. I was childishly optimistic and really hoping for the magic changes promised in all my reading. Then about a day ago as I was thinking about writing this, I wanted to call bullshit on the whole thing. But I can't do that because the results are there. So lets see 'em.


First I just want to say that I did keep a journal of every day, well almost everyday of this challenge but I went back and read it and I really can't put all that on this post. I got bored reading it and boring readers isn't really a good game plan for a guy that likes to write. So this is the abridged version with some highlights and notes. But there are pictures and that makes it way more fun. If you want to judge my pictures...I'm cool with that.


For any change or challenge I have taken on, the beginning is always the easiest while enthusiasm is high. Its later that things get tough. Like a week ago when I really wanted a fucking Blizzard.



So here we are Day 00-

"Day 00-  1/17/2015

I just finished the book today. I think I got the point but I think I will skip all the expensive blood tests he suggests. I had some pizza today and will most likely get some more junk food in my system tomorrow too. 30 Days without a cheat day will be hard, I have to say my goodbyes. Even though I am not sold just yet, I have to say I am kind of excited to see what happens. I am hopeful it really does what is promised in the book. I guess the only thing there is to do at this point is get started and stick with it.

I just went grocery shopping. Mother of pearl. Money was spent. Basically I had to clear the cupboards and I didn’t realize how much I was eating that was not allowed or riddled with gluten. I had a lot of things that are not with this program and what I perceived to be healthy. I did realize that it is a lot easier to shop when not buying any kind of bread or processed food. You don’t have the read the label on a cucumber. I dig that. But it was basically like starting over. I just spent about $200 on food. Granted that was a heavy load of meat (That’s what she said) and will probably last me most of the 30 Days. I don’t expect the following trips to be quite that bad. But we will see.

Tomorrow I will take my before photos and measurements."

The Day Before- 1/18/2015

Healthy breakfast just because that was easiest to prepare. Some coffee with sugar though. I’ll have to learn to forgo the sweetener and cut back on the coffee definitely. A lot of research shows that coffee causes huge hormonal issues especially with Cortisol and that is a weight loss show stopper.  But as long as you moderate your BLACK coffee intake it seems to be fine. First challenge I am dreading really. Healthy lunch again because it was easiest to prepare. I will probably bid junk food a farewell with some What-A-Burger later though. The war starts tomorrow, I should get the best of my freedom to sin while I can. Honestly that is not the norm for me over the past year, but fuck it, I am doing right now because I can. I also want to start where most people would be starting from. I think that is more fare than going from healthy to healthier.

Day 1- Weigh In

Weight- 226.8 ( My goal was to lose 25 pounds) 

Waist - 46 Inches

Hips- 41 Inches

 

So taking progress pictures is awkward but I promised I would so here they are. This at least gives you an idea of where I started. Party On...

This first week went pretty smooth with no slips and I was extra careful with everything I ate. I will point out that DAY 1 was a day that my friends and I had planned on going out to eat a super feast. I point this out because people always put off starting something because of "plans". You can still start something if you want it more than you want to stick to your "plans". I hated watching them eat cake and Baudouin Balls in front of me though. Bastards. 

So Day 7 Measurements-

223lbs – 3.8lbs down from last week

Waist- 45 inches – 1 inch lost

Hips-  40.5 inches-  half an inch lost

 

So starting out and losing nearly 4 pounds and an inch off my waist the first week was awesome. The first week, I also didn't get a lot of workouts in. Partly because I was really busy with work and partly because I let being busy be an excuse. So without working out, those are pretty good results. I attribute all of that to preparation. I made all of my meals in advance and they were ready to go. At work they kept ordering in fast food and I was oh so tempted, but I held out and it was worth it. Life keeps going even when you have your own agenda and people rarely give a shit about what you are trying to do. If you are thinking of doing this, or anything like it, be prepared for that. Also, it took a couple days before that happened due to my junk food binge before starting. Lastly, I really hadn't seen any other "benefits" of my new eating habits. Sleep didn't really improve and everything else seemed about the same. But, one week is way to early to start seeing all those results right?

Day 15 Measurements

Weight 220.6  Lost 2.4 pounds

Waist – 43.5 down 1.5 inches

Hips – 40.5 Same as last week

 

My first cheat happened on Day 12. I didn't take a picture of it because well as my journal entry below will explain...I really didn't give a fuck. 

Day 12 Journal Entry- 

"Day 12- 1/30/2015

I am getting caught up here. Friday was a crazy and stupid day. I was getting ready to go work out and blew my nose. Then my nose started to bleed. And bleed and bleed and bleed. It wouldn’t stop and it was a lot of blood. I get nose bleeds from time to time but never this bad. So I had to shove some toilet paper in the snout and drive up to the Urgent Care place in my hood. I walked in with bloody toilet paper hanging out of my nose and they politely asked “What can we help you with today?” I just pointed to my face and she handed me a clipboard. Long story short, they couldn’t get the bleeding to stop by any normal means so they had to install a Rhino Rocket. Basically they take a tampon like balloon thing and shove it up your nose all the way into the back of your brain. This was probably one of the most painful things I have had to experience. I almost fainted. For real. Then they inflate the tampon…almost fainted again. That day I did not work out or eat after breakfast. After my little fainting spell, the doctor insisted I drink a little bottle of Gatorade and eat some Goldfish. Then, I didn’t feel like doing anything. Kim was on her way home from Dallas so I asked her to get me some food. By this time I was in pain, starving, and in a general, I DON’T GIVE A FUCK kind of mood. Being that is it was midnight, she got me taco bell. So that was my first slip up. Honestly, I don’t care. Given the situation, it is what it is. After I ate that, I took a hydrocodone and some melatonin and slept in 45 minute increments throughout the night. It was the worst. My face hurt. I really hope that never happens again because knowing how bad the Rhino Rocket hurts, I don’t think I could do it again and I may just have to bleed out and die."

So there it is, pain will make you do what you have to do. 

Week 2 I really didn't see any of the miracle health benefits promised either. But...ONWARD!

Day 21 Weigh in

Day 21- 2/8/2015

Weight- 218.8 Pounds   -Almost 2 pounds lost. Pretty disappointing for the amount of effort.

Waist- 43                       - I wont complain about a half inch. 

Hips- 40

I forgot to take pictures of the measurements this week...But you didn't miss much.

The third week was pretty mundane. I was in a groove and even when I didn't prepare my meals, I was pretty good about sticking with the program. 

We also found a Paleo food truck check it out Picnik  

Day 30 2/17/2015

Weight- 215.6             Grand Total of poundage dropped- 11.2 pounds

Waist-   41 Inches        Total loss of 5 Fucking Inches!

Hips-     40 Inches        Total loss of 1 inch. I guess my hips don't have a lot of fat or I was measuring wrong. 

So the whole point of this was for me to explore the practicality of this "really easy" way of eating. Like I said, a couple of days ago I was cursing the whole thing because I didn't hit the miracle weight loss goal I was looking for and I certainly didn't feel like my whole life was different because of it.

In "The Paleo Solution" by Robb Wolff, he challenges you to do this diet for 30 days and watch how your life will dramatically improve over time. I know that 30 days isn't long enough to mean a lot but the book promised it as long as I would try. And try I did.

So lets look at the reality of it. I lost 11 solid pounds and it got me over the hump I was at. I was lingering around 225 and 226 for awhile and couldn't seem to shake it. This did the trick. But as I suspected, this wasn't the cure all that its proponents would have you believe. Here's what I saw...

1. I didn't follow his recipe and meal plan perfectly because it was hella expensive to do that and I didn't like some of the things on the menu. But I stuck to the principles. No wheat, grains, refined sugar, oats, dairy or any other enemies of the Paleo Kingdom. I did look up more practical recipes and learn to use my Crock-Pot.

2. Maybe I didn't take in the right amount of nutrients at the right time under the right circumstances while my body was aligned with the sun and I was ovulating. But the idea was supposed to be that this wasn't so hard. I know people that eat like that but I haven't reached that level of dedication to education on the subject. However, as long as I was prepared, it really wasn't that bad. I my cravings were mostly mental and this really did curb how hungry I got and how easily I could satiate that hunger.

3. The biggest excuse people have for not eating healthy is that it is too expensive. And yeah, if you go all hardcore you will end up spending $7 on a dozen eggs. But if you can just shop better than you had been, like don't buy things that are frozen or in boxes, and find some free range chicken eggs on the cheap, you will be fine. There is one Paleo eatery in the whole city of Austin and I would guess outside of Austin they are few and far between, so you will be saving a ton on eating out. Eating out also just puts too much shit in your face that probably need to avoid anyway. I had fajitas more times in the last month than I did all of last year. That shit got old. But go shopping, load up on spices and bulk items. The first time might be expensive, but after that it really isn't bad. Try to follow a books suggestions and you will go broke. The internet will be your best friend beyond all the free porn. I also realized that health food from places like Picnik is a lot of times unnecessarily expensive. So just get used to doing it yourself if you are on a budget.

4. Be prepared to change the narrative in your mind about food and eating. Eat for fuel, don't eat for fun. Or as my ex used to say when she would beg me to lose weight "You eat to live, not live to eat". You can't start something like this and expect all your dreams to come true in the 30 Days those gimmick artists say it will happen. But I see the benefits of this diet and will probably continue this way of eating. While it was hard for me to get the right amount of calories in for my active lifestyle, I was taking in more naturally nutritious food. I need to get squared away on my meal prep and macro-nutrient planning though. I also won't ever say "Cheat Meal" again because I realized that concept is stupid. I may partake in some indulgence now and again because trying to lose weight is no excuse to stop living.

5. While I didn't feel huge changes in my well being I did see improvements. Enough improvement for me to buy into the gluten-free idea. I was eating well before I tried this but I would still get stuck and I did have my episodes with depression and lethargy despite my efforts. This past month, my episodes were few and far between and when they did happen, they were far more manageable.


So in conclusion, was it worth it? Yeah. Definitely. I entered it expecting a little too much, but after looking at it practically and with a little reason, I can see that it has it's benefits. One benefit is that it is easy to follow. I will say it again, you don't have to read the label on a cucumber to make sure it's healthy.

So here is my before and after picture.

                             226.8 Pounds                                                       215.6 Pounds







If you want a copy of my journal, message me and I will be happy to email it to you.



So there it is. 30 Days of Paleo living from a real guys point of view. Also I took the last picture in my new pants because I am so happy to have gone and bought a nice pair of jeans, and for once not been afraid I would get too fat for them.

When I lose the remaining 15.6 pounds and hit 200, I will post a pretty crazy before and after. I have my before picture from when I was 270, no shirt, it's scary. haha

Thanks for reading. Hit me up if you have questions!

Breaking Up with Your Friends - The lost Self Help Book Chapter

I don't wear fancy shoes because I never know where I may go.
I don't wear fancy clothes because you never what needs to be done.
I don't keep friends for the sake of not being alone because you never know when you have to move on.

Even though the sentiment of "Friends Forever" is very pleasant.

This one comes from a suggestion from a friend and reader. I have touched on this subject in the past but have never dived into it. Mostly because I didn't want to deal with the fallout. Avoiding the fallout is half the reason I have had to break up with friends in the past, but a huge reason I even write this blog, is to help and offer perspective. So here it is.


Like I have said before, I am good at making friends of strangers but just as good at making strangers of friends. Sometimes for better and sometimes for worse. Luckily I have not been stricken with a sentimental heart and this comes easier to me than most people. I am not quick on the draw however and most of the time is a calculated move done because I feel it is for the best of myself or even the other person. So there is always a reason and that reason is stronger than the alternative of powering through years more of whatever toxic or useless behavior I am trying to avoid. Most of the time, its not me...it's you.

This past year has been a banner year for my own personal development and this has happened a little more than it did in the past. In the past a drunken argument was reason enough. The making up would have been harder than it needed to be just to keep another drinking buddy on board. Sometimes in the past I knew I was the toxic person and needed to let that person just get on with their life without me in it. Being self deluded most of the time, I often missed the mark and instead of a clean break, it was dirty and now we have boundaries protected by hard feelings. I am not a fan of that method. I think a clean and respectful parting of ways is fine and should always be the chosen path. However, sometimes people can't or won't understand where you are coming from and hurt feeling are just part of it. The inevitability of bad blood and hurt butts is very real and something you just have to deal with. No one wants to feel like they aren't perfect for you in every way. But if you are tired of the same old shit or trying to better yourself, sometimes you can't keep the same company. Sad but true. You are most likely going to have to put on your adult shoes for this one.

In my experience you have 3 kinds of people that surround you. They are all different in personality and soul but they can fit into 3 categories.

1. Supporters or Fans - These people just want the best for you. They like you for you and take you as you come. They see who you are and your interactions are based on a balanced acknowledgement of mutual interests and goals. These are keepers. They don't bore by constantly vomiting their personal drama and woe during every visit. They know what you are into and try to keep interactions filled with mutual interests and valuable conversations. They are self aware. They take you as you come. They do not judge or offer advice. They simply like being around. These are the people that when I quit drinking, thought it was great, said they would support me however they could, but didn't dwell on and it and we just kept being friends. The always seem to enrich your life and know their boundaries. Most of the time that is because they are good people and have their own life to tend to.

2. Bad Influences/Enablers/Assholes- At some point, you became friends with this n'er-do-well through some kind of mischievous or epic night out and found them to be fun in a dirty, criminal kind of way. You probably thought they were funny and liked how blunt they were and you could always turn to them when you needed validation for a bad idea. Hell they might even help enhance it. Too many times have you woken up hungover or regretful because of this so called friend and sometimes you even ask yourself why you are still hanging out with them. Most of the time they become like a parasite and always seem to find you and ruin your good time or good vibe. You try to avoid them but can't seem to do it. They think because you have romped with them in the past that when you don't hang out you are being judgmental and an asshole and they don't mind guilty you into another hedonistic night on the town. You fucking know better but you keep them around and then they infect the whole social circle causing problems everywhere you turn. You should have ditched them a long fucking time ago and if you are searching to improve, you have to. No questions, nothing halfway, these people have got to go.

3. Accomplices- Disguised as a supporter, they are really a NUMBER 2 underneath. You end up having lots of regretful experiences with them, but for some reason you make excuses because you believe their intentions were better. They are nice, they just have problems. Right? If you turn to them in a time of weakness, they don't even have the decency of being blatant like the Bad Influence, they will steer you in the wrong direction all the while convincing why its not that bad. You can't judge them because most of the time they not self aware and are idiots. You have to sniff them out and then cut the cord. They never will. These people will bitch and moan when you don't let them suck the life out of you. These are also the people that believe friends should be friends for friends sake. They have no intention of being really supportive, they don't necessarily want to harm you but they will just suck the life out of you. They are the people that somewhere, a couple hours in to social outing with them, you get the urge to run home or drive your car off a bridge. Beware the accomplice! These people don't want you to change or grow or anything that will mess with environment.

Next, you have to have the uncomfortable and awful conversation with yourself of who has to go. This is up to you. You can do a pros and cons list so you feel like you gave them a fair shake but most of the time, you already know. If you stopped right now, at least 1 name would pop in your head immediately. Why haven't you done this yet? Why are they still hanging around? Can you take another evening of their face and words getting all over you? Is there some reason you have to endure it? If the bus drops below 55 mph will it explode? Probably not. Either you start this process or prepare to spend years sitting with a group of people and feeling completely alone. You will just end up mad at yourself and disappointed that you didn't get shit done because you were trying to be NICE or "a good friend". At the end of the day, none of these people are going to travel the world with you, they don't care if you fat and unhealthy, they don't care if you lose your job, or never get the job you really want. It doesn't hurt them if you don't achieve what you want to achieve. They have their friend and will accept you in whatever condition you come. Most of the time they need you to be a mess so they won't feel so bad about being a mess. Write those 3 categories down and start making a list under each one. Then do something about it.

Prepare to be lonely. Progress comes with a cost and despite all the inspirational Facebook quotes your read and repost, it isn't just HARD WORK. It is loneliness. The funny thing is the loneliness is really just the time you didn't have before to work on the shit you want to do. You just haven't filled that time up yet. When you are trying to accomplish something, you social life takes at hit. Sitting around drinking beers with your friends doesn't accomplish anything. Even though the movie idea you came up with after 15 jagerbombs did seem really doable! The loneliness passes and the reward of no regret due to bad decisions quickly reveals itself. You need to learn to be alone anyway. Don't be so codependent. You accomplishments can validate you. You don't need other people to do that.

Learn to say no. Learn to say to other people and to yourself.

"But, but, but, Next weekend is Captain Dipshits birthday, and I know probably shouldn't go but I have been planning to and everyone will be there and you can't miss  birthdays! Right?!"

Wrong. You have to accept that life is going to keep on keeping on long after you are not a part of it. People are still going to party, and laugh, and have adventures without you. They are also going to wake up broke, hungover, and sad more often that not. The difference is that eventually you won't notice because you will be getting on with real life and working toward your goals. It gets easier and kind of fun. At first just think of excuses, whatever, ease into it. But eventually just get used to saying, "You know I don't do that shit anymore."

The fact is, that occasionally you will give in and partake in the douchebaggery and that will be all it takes to remind you why you don't do it anymore and those instances will become few and far between. Also, this generally gives people the idea that you are on a different path and they will get the point, and just leave you alone. You will always be welcome, you just won't get invited. Problem solved.

The assholes will still try to peer pressure you or guilt you. In my opinion it is best just to tell them that you think what they do is stupid and you don't want to do it anymore. You have to firm and clear. Or ease into it with making excuses.

The Accomplices are the worst ones. They will call to see if you are alright and you will have to have the "Are you mad at me?" conversation. Then you will say no, I am just doing some other things and they will try to bargain with you and tell you that you can do those things and still hang out with them. Don't fall for that shit. That will just make you backslide into the way shit used to be.

At first everyone will ask you WHY? After they see rewards, they will ask you HOW?

You have to identify these people yourself and then do something about it. This is your life and as much as we like to believe that our friends and family are essential to our existence they are not. And if someone is affecting you negatively, you need to cut them loose. If you fail, or are unhappy, it is not their problem. That is on you.

I don't make excuses for myself and I will damned if I am going to make excuses for other people.

You can be nice and be strong. Luckily I don't put a lot of effort into being nice. It tends to be more clear and effective that way.

Don't say goodbye. A favorite thing I do at parties and social gatherings that I want to escape is just leave. I call it "Ghosting". I don't make a deal of it, I don't say bye. I don't shake hands and give hugs. It's not necessary and no one really cares. Most of the time in the process of doing that, people beg you to stay and then get offended when you don't. Same thing with lifestyle changes. Just get up and leave and let the world keep turning. Don't make a big deal out of it by trying to explain yourself to everyone. You don't owe them that. Maybe you do with girlfriends, boyfriends, and roommates. Shit could get weird if you just disappear them.

Make it a point to be unresponsive. I know most people live with their phone attached to their hands. Sometimes I do the same thing. And when you get a message your first instinct is to respond immediately. Needy much? You have to start treating almost everyone like the creepy guy/gal you drunkenly gave your number to at the bar. Think it through. Wait a few minutes or just ignore it.

Don't get sucked in. Sometimes a friend will invite you to have a coffee or lunch or something and that usually turns into a time they need to try and suck you back in by inviting you to the next BBQ and they have you face to face and will guilt the shit out of you. If you start missing people, invite them to do something with you that is a part of your new life. I like inviting people to workout with me. It shows I want to be see them, and I do! But it also lets them know where my priorities are and how they can have access to me. The line is drawn between the old life and the new. They are welcome aboard but you have new priorities and they have to respect those.

For me, I have lots of reasons I identify to time for moving on. Bad influences or just people that really do not offer me anything anymore, or people that I don't have anything in common with anymore. Lots of people grow up and have babies, get married, and have a mortgage. A lot of times those people also become unbelievably boring. All they talk about is the mundane tasks they carry out day to day or the secret problems they are having with their new Leave it to Beaver life. This offers me nothing and I have nothing to say back to them. It is almost painful to sit through. I break up with these people.

I usually temporarily break up with people that begin a new romantic relationship. It is extremely hard to carry on a conversation with someone that has their head up someones ass. The chemicals in their brain tell them that they are truly in love and this will last forever and everything is perfect. The sad part of their soul is elated to think they don't have to be alone anymore. But all of the blood that used to be in the interesting part of their brain is now in their genitals. This offers me nothing and I have nothing to say back to them.

Occasionally after the new car smell has worn off, we can regroup and see what happens. Usually at this point they are sad and bitter and all they talk about is the once magical lover, but now its all about how much they hate them. Negativity plus being extremely boring equals break up.

Sometimes the new love leads into the growing up and that equals break up.

Drugs equal break up.

I have a lot of break up reasons. Most of them hover around these things:

Are they interesting?
What do they do to enrich my life?
Are they negative?
Do they support me?
Are they toxic?

Last, just focus on what you are doing. We get some obsessed with other people and what other people think and the nonsense that surrounds our social lives that we will literally never get anything accomplished because we are trying to superficially keep everyone happy and impressed with small little insignificant crap,

Make new friends. You will be surprised at how easy this is. Once you dawn your new identity, you will start making friends with the same priorities and similar goals to you. They won't know the old you and won't have any expectations except the new ones you set. They will quickly become a support system and people that give you so much. You will not longer be alone but you will still be on track. Things will start happening for you even faster. Give it a shot.

If you read this and your feelings got hurt. Stop for a minute and have an honest discussion with yourself about why you feel that way.

If you read this and it helped, great, now do something about it or stop complaining. If you are going to keep living the way live, just lean into it and shut up. If you are not, then Godspeed to you! I am always here to talk. Or if I am toxic, cut me off. I promise I will understand.

Burn the Ships- A 30 Day Challenge

Hi!

A few days ago I posted what my mind thinks is a motivational rant for people that are just getting going on the health and fitness journey. If you didn't read that one, you should. It is fun and it will make me feel better about it not getting as many reads as when I just talk shit about how people are idiots...Eh...But I'm like you, people are idiots, and it is fun to talk about it. But that is for another time! Don't get me going.

In that Eff word riddled rant meant to get you pumped I also promised to post my resolutions. I was working on that little number when new information arose. And far be it for me to be the kind of idiot that say "My Haterz" (with a Z) inspired me. Mostly because that is nonsense and has absolutely no logic to it...eh...

"Stop Preston. Focus here."

Anyway, quite a few of my most frequent playful/passive aggressive admirers did make me think. Also a lot of other "Resolution" posts got me thinking. So it changed everything an I had to scrap the first draft as it was no longer valid.

The first thing I saw is a lot people putting little hints about there resolutions out there. Maybe a little picture or vague status update or reposting articles about Whole 30 or something. And Hey, if you made a resolution and it means something to you and you are working on it, good! I am happy for you and I hope you succeed. I really do. But for me, I think without accountability, you are starting the whole process with one foot out the door. You can back out with no real consequence except for your own guilt. I used to do that with that smoking when I tried to quit like 284 times. I wouldn't tell anyone, I would just try to see how long I could go. Same thing with drinking. The difference came when I just made it so ridiculously public that my friends and "admirers" alike would have had a field day if I slipped up. So that was just more motivation not to fuck up.

Secondly, by merely expressing some interest in a new idea, I was met with a lot of ill-advised social media commenting of opinions and easily Googled articles weighing heavily toward their opinion. We have already discussed that here though. If you want Google to agree with you, you just have to type in the right search words, and it will. BUT, I will not go off on that either. I just saw that even broaching a new and uncomfortable idea, even to the seemingly most open minded people, has a little backlash. So, with these powers combined, I formed some resolution and a fun little plan.

First, and again, the biggest reason I am putting this here is so you can hold me accountable. Whether you have been a supportive friend, of a spectator watching from the nose-bleeds waiting on a firey, bloody crash. Accountability is a huge part of my success. I am easily swayed by my own stupid brain to give up when no one is looking. So the trick is to make everyone look. For better or worse, you are helping me. Love me or hate me, please don't stop. So that explains the title.

I am burning my ships.

There will be no escape from this land. I can only conquer or perish. And I will have to accept whatever fate may come in front of the gazes of friend and foe alike. I just hope I didn't leave my phone on the ship...I need it for work and stuff.

So I am starting with the inspiration I caught from my new and uncomfortable idea. The Paleo Diet. With some urging from people at my gym. People that are not only serious about their health and fitness, but at times competitive with it. Also people that really have nothing to gain from me doing this. They just saw me plateau and gave some suggestions. One was that I just pick up the book

The Paleo Solution by Robb Wolf. Here is a link to check it out - www.robbwolf.com

The book was $10 on Amazon for my Kindle so not a huge investment. I have already read a ton of diet, health, fitness, and nutrition books so this wasn't a big deal. As I read through I can't say that I am buying all of it, but combined with other things I have read, and things I have had success with in the past, a lot of it started making a lot of sense. So as you can imagine by putting a half idea out that I may look at gluten differently, I had the Hoo-Hahs all over me. Not just online but pretty much anyone I brought it up to as conversation. Even though I was really just thinking out loud about it, people got defensive like I joined the Mormon Church and showed up at their front door. People love fucking bread man. Crazy.

I finished the book today and I am still not completely sold. I don't know. But from this book, other books and previous experience, I came to this conclusion:

At worst gluten could be poisoning me and attributing to a lot of issues I have. At best, it really doesn't do me any favors.

So with that I have decided to put my money where my bread used to be and take on the 30 Day challenge it suggests in the book. I really don't have anything to lose from doing and plus it will be fun. Either fun for me because it will work wonders as the book suggests, or fun for you when I fail and have to admit like a kid that pooped his pants at Six Flags. Once this post goes online I really have no other choice.

I have some other ships to burn but they are not as fun as this don't really require accountability. Accountability for them may even hurt some feelings. But I will say this. I have learned there are different kinds of friends. I have a lot and I have some great ones. There are friends that truly care about and support you and then there are accomplices. With the many changes I am making and the steps I am taking, I just can't afford to have any accomplices.

So...back to business.

The 30 Day challenge.

About 5 years ago I did a few of these and they were fun. My favorite was 30 Days of Giving. I either gave money or time to a new charity every day for 30 Days. Learned a lot and felt great. I highly suggest trying that one yourself.

But for this one, this is how it is going to go.

I will be starting the 30 Days Monday January 19th. I will adhere as closely to the guidelines in the book and other Paleo sources as closely as I can. Money probably being the only obstacle. He suggests that you have a ton of blood work done at the beginning then at the end, but ain't nobody got money for that. But tracking progress is pretty key so I will be doing that. I will keep a journal everyday or every other day. I will try to briefly discuss my successes, challenges, or indifference on the daily routine.

I will take progress pictures and measurements weekly. This will include, weight, waist size, hip size, and waist to hip ratio. Success or failure, I will post the pictures.

I will try to keep a running tally of the cost associated with it too. The biggest argument I have gotten for any route of healthy eating is that it is too expensive. I don't believe that, but being that this is a lot of meat and lower caloric dense foods, I am assuming it may be a little more expensive than I am used to. Time will tell.

If I do slip up, and that is very strong and real possibility, I will be honest and accountable for it. I will not only tell you about it, but I will take a picture of the sinful deed. You can shame me as you see fit. Please don't throw rocks.

Just like always, I will maintain my current workout schedule, but will probably stepping it up because I have the Savage Race to train for. (If you want to run with me sign up here SAVAGE RACE)

I will not be taking any weight loss supplements. Never have and I am not a cheater. Except in checkers.

At the conclusion, I will compile all of my progress data and daily journal entries, put them together, and post it.

I hope it works because right now I have hit a plateau but if it doesn't this can serve as a real life example that it might not be all it's cracked up to be. If you do believe in the concept of no gluten and the Paleo Diet, I suggest following this one. If you don't believe it works and you think its a bunch of trendy breadless bullshit, here is your chance to find out.

If you don't care but you like reading my stuff. I love you.

So there it is. The ships are ablaze and there really isn't any turning back. Plus I just had to go grocery shopping and spent like $200.

Tomorrow is day 0. Wish me luck!

Resolution Revolution

January 2nd, post hangover, there is almost a Black Friday wave of fatties entering the gym. Every treadmill is taken, all the stairmasters are straining, and your next workout machine is taken by a guy that is sitting on it backward and is likely to break his arm instead of reading the instructions.

There are two hefty women walking swiftly and with the form of Rock Em' Sock 'Em Robots at the trail you run every day. Every 20 yards you have to run around these Big Bettys.

The fresh food isle is full of meandering couch potato zombies, staring at apples like a 12 year old boy at a boob. Confused and hungry.

You know most of these people are just going to fall off the wagon in a couple of weeks so why do they even bother? Right?

Well Fuck you!

I say go on with your bad self Rock Em Sock Em Bettys, and dude that is fucking the work out machine, and alien apple people! You are doing exactly what you are supposed to do! You are awkwardly feeling your way through the dark to the light! You have taken that first step, the hardest and scariest one. You got this. Just keep going. You are doing great already.

Check out Larry Evans on Facebook.

I was that guy. I had to suffer the judgmental looks from Golds Gym Tank top wearing ass hats just like you. I had to fumble through weeks of bootcamp before I didn't feel like vomiting after the warm up. I had to walk around the grocery store like a fucking idiot for months before I understood what I really needed to buy, how much, and what kind. And guess what? I am still overweight. I am still learning. I am still awkwardly stumbling around like a Pop-Tard. BUT! Last year I lost 50 pounds and 9 inches off my waist. I went from 10 minute mile and having to stop to running an average of an 8.5 minute mile, with my best time at 7:30! I went from sweating on my couch in the summer to running the Zombie Run and getting a Survivor Medal at the end. Then following it up with another 5k a couple of months later. For some people these are barely a blips on their fitness radar, but for me they are huge fucking milestones. I went from being hungover and ordering pizza to getting up on Saturday morning for a workout and a smoothie. And it all started with that first step. It feels like the first day of high school and you accidentally walk into the wrong room...for 3 weeks. And it never really gets easier, but it gets better. So much fucking better. Keep on trucking Big Bear! You got this shit.


Not listen to this...



It took for me to feel what you are feeling right now. Disgust, depression, low self esteem, and self worth. I was miserable. I wanted the change and I knew WHY I wanted the change. I wanted to wake up every day and feel good. I wanted to fit into some old band shirts I hadn't been able to wear in years. I wanted to stop counting how many X's the shirt had on it before I bought it. And hell yeah, I wanted the compliments! That shit feels good man. I love watching my progress. I love watching the scale drop lower and lower every week. I love watching the loop on the tape measure get smaller and smaller around my waist. I love when those people that made of me or doubted me ask me questions about diet and fitness. I love eating my salad and low carb meals so that when I do get to have that burger, it's fucking magical in mouth.

So here is a little unsolicited advice for you new to a healthier lifestyle. First, just keep doing what you're doing. Every time you do something that is in more of positive direction than you usually do, or did last time is a success. Please try to see it that way. Opting for a chicken sandwhich over the double burger is a success. Doesn't matter that you didn't order the Quinoa with a side arrogance. You moved forward. Keep going. You will gain momentum and you will be unstoppable.

Second you don't have to listen to people. Fuck people. Fuck the internet. Fuck magazines. Fuck your friends. While people mean well in there advice, they can make it harder for you. Everyone has an opinion and an answer to everything and that shit is overwhelming and confusing.  When I started walking, thats right, walking, like a little old lady on Sunday stroll. Although I was listening to metal...anyway...When I started walking people had fucking opinions on how should walk. The funny thing was, I wasn't walking because it is a miracle workout, I was walking to start building the habit of getting up and doing something active. It was an intentional baby step. Walking snowballed into jogging a little and that snowballed into joining a bootcamp. Walking, slow as shit, gained momentum and it hasn't stopped. Then people had opinions on high intensity interval training that you get a bootcamp and told me I should take up running and lifting. Then people told me that running would kill me faster and lifting wouldn't help me lose weight. Then when I wanted a new challenge and started CrossFit and martial arts, people had to take their jabs there for making that move and sending me articles of all the ways people have gotten hurt during a WOD at CrossFit. They didn't ask me what my experience was like, they just assumed some cocksucker on the web had all the answers and I was fucking up. Do what you are comfortable with as little as you need it to be as long as it is a little more than you used to do. If you need to start by walking, then jogging for 20 feet, and then walking home, then do that. Tell everyone else to shut up. When it comes time, you will ask them what you need to ask them. And don't trust the internet. You can literally find articles about how oranges are bad for you. The conflicting information is meant to keep people reading but rarely offers any kind of substance. If you are just starting this journey, then choosing a salad at home over making a run for the border is a big enough decision. Don't worry about looking at the chemical make of the water you are drinking. You will get there. Start with that shit too early and you are doomed. People will make a big deal out of everything you do. The internet will confuse you. Just block them out. If someone is fat, doesn't workout, and snorts french fries, don't listen to them. If someone is fit as fuck with a six pack and they run a 3 minute mile, but they are confusing you, ignore them. People that have always been in shape rarely understand the battle you are going through and think they can overwhelm you. Again, you can always come back to them and ask questions when you are ready. For now, just get that iced tea instead of that Dr. Pepper.

Third, figure out why you are doing this. Have an honest conversation with yourself and figure out what you want and why you want it. Then ask yourself what your plan is going to be. It doesn't have to be perfect. Just something. If you decide to jump on a fad diet wagon, ask yourself what you want out of it. Then how long will it take to accomplish that. Small steps towards doing something you can sustain forever is 10 times better than a giant leap at something that could backfire. Shortcuts are dangerous territory. If you keep making those small steps and small decisions, it will take awhile, but it will last and you won't have to suffer disappointment and frustration.

Forth, don't beat yourself up. Shit happens. You are going to breakdown and have a burger or ice cream or both or both at the same time! You are human and American and life has to be lived. One hiccup isn't the end. It just teaches you a lesson and is an opportunity for you to pay attention to how it feels and what triggered it, and how you can avoid it in the future. In my time working out over the past year I probably should have lost way more. I should be closer to my goal. But a healthy lifestyle is not linear. It is rocky like Colorado friend! If I lost 50 pounds, during that time I gained back 5 or 6 pounds here and there. Then I would have to lose it all over again and then some more. But it wasn't a step back. I was learning when that happened. I was also still building strength, endurance, and speed. Suffer the wipeouts, get back up, analyze it a bit, then move on.

Fifth, take lots of pictures! Before pictures, after pictures, progress pictures, action shots, money shots...er...nope not that one...but you get it. It's fun and motivating and a great way for you to keep track of results.


You have started something awesome because deep down you know you deserve better and you do. You will hate training but you will love putting on smaller clothes and high fives and looks from passers by. Although some of those for me were out of concern the first few times I ran a mile. It sounded like I was snoring while running. Not pretty. But it got better and I've caught some ladies checking me out. Keep going. You got this. Just a little further and little better everyday.

Happy New Year.



PS. Keep checking back and I will post my resolutions within a few days.

Also, share this! Share this for people that may need the push and share this for the people that need to shut the fuck up. I will be happy to talk to them for you. :)

Despondent American

Over the past couple of days every time I've taken a breath and attempted a clear thought I have been accosted with varying and visceral opinions on the state of our country and our people. Our broken land, in dystopian times, disconsolate citizens, are shopping like ravenous swine.

A little story here...

On my way to a Thanksgiving dinner among friends unable or unwilling to be with family, sitting at a stop light a single act of knuckle-headery sent me down a weird path. Honestly something that would have been annoying but easily forgotten before 3 days ago. 

Sitting at a stop light in my turn lane taking inventory of the deviled eggs and spam musubi that was to be our contribution to the dinner, I see in my rear view a couple of neighborhood stereotypes swerving childishly throughout all 4 lanes of the roads. Chrysler 300's decorated with the spoke rims that stick way out to the side, and trunks rattling, they come barreling down the road without regard to other drivers or how they looked like assholes. They bypass normal red light protocol and swerve themselves into the intersection demanding that others stop, watch, and tolerate their little show of gansta bravado. After a few seconds, the cocksuckers moved on into the parking lot of the Shell station on the southwest side. These kinds of displays must work up a thirst that can only be quenched by 40oz's of apathy and fueled by fruit flavored cheap cigarillos. They are social animals, lets make no mistake here. They are a nuisance that may only be missed by their mothers and various drug consumers they cater to. Maybe I am wrapping them in a broad blanket, but I am not convinced they are youth ministers out on a drive to raise awareness about community hunger. 

My first thought was how awesome it would be to see a giant trunk plow into both cars causing action movie carnage and how I would hang around until the last bit of brains was swept from the road. This would at least make their show worth something to me. I had all the snacks I would've needed for the number. 

My next thought was that there are black people in almost every major city in this nation fighting a righteous war against discrimination and unfair treatment by the authorities and the indifference of the awful voting public, and these guys were doing their part to sabotage any bit of understanding that the common news viewer may have mustard up over the past couple of days. This brought me back to center.

I drove on to dinner it was a lively evening with games and food and laughing. 

I remember though sitting and reflecting and trying my hardest to think of a generic social media statement about how I was thankful for things like family, friends, and so on. You know the ones. If not, go look at the one you posted yesterday. Don't get me wrong, this year has been a banner year for me and I have so much to be grateful for including friends, family, and the so on's, but I try to keep it genuine and tell them personally,,,over a text...true modern American gratitude. I also thought back on all the sentiment you see every year, as we are a nation in a perpetual state of war, about our troops defending our freedom and way of life. That wormhole led me to think about our way of life and should I be grateful for it?

I think that is most what I would love to talk about. Our way of life. The way we live. The American way. 

First before the self righteous start with their recommendations that I relocate to another country, let me be clear, that argument is a cop-out, reserved for those that do not have the mental facility to not only understand where someone is coming from but also the inability to think once the right brain emotion centers take over. So before you show up to my house wrapped in a flag demanding my voluntary deportation to France, hear me out. If by the end of this you still do not agree or understand, well, you can eat a dick.

This is my country as much as it is yours and my discontentment is protected under the same rights that we will all probably lose right about the same time. We are all headed for impending doom and our societal and national pride will not matter when the walls come crumbling.

Now that we have that settled...lets continue.

I guess the biggest dark cloud looming right now is the cloud of racism that we pretend doesn't exist. It's so ingrained in our DNA that we assume holding the door for someone of a different race means we aren't racist in anyway. We have a black president now right? How could that happen if racism was still alive? What I keep laughing at is when people try to denounce the idea that racism lives, they say it the most racist ways. We still say US and THEM instead of WE. Don't make the mistake of burying your head or closing your eyes to make the boogie man go away because, that doesn't work. Never has. Let's also not pretend that only white people are racist and everyone else is enlightened to the point of infallibility. In this country almost everyone hates almost everyone and when we don't know how to express it, we start of someone most obvious trait. Is there a solution? I don't pretend to think I know. We would have to rewire everyone at the same time and hope all our stations came in clearly and I don't see the people of this nation ever undertaking that kind of project. We can't be pried away from reality shows and fast food long enough to make any needed improvements. Some people try but the majority of drones right them off as liberal hippies or insane, and disregard what they almost before it comes out of their mouths. Maybe if they didn't smell of patuli oil and stopped reciting tidbits of Bob Marley songs, maybe then. I doubt it though. Also the extremes on all sides smother credibility and closed mindedness dictates that we cannot compartmentalize actions within a predetermined group of people. This is probably why most of America has baled Ferguson protesters and looters all into the same bunch. Anyone with half a mind and without Fox News would agree. So when the my neighborhood gansta posse rolls around like a troop of assholes, negative opinions are easily, though wrongly, confirmed. When the group of cousin fuckers that call themselves the KKK dawn their white hoods and march through cities like a bunch of mutant of tampons, that confirms easily, though wrongly, opinions from the other side. This is just a tiny example as it's just the extremes of the blacks and the whites. I haven't even touched on the Hispanic community, because that is a whole other issue. So before you put on your best face and tell people that you aren't racist, except that even on some small level, you probably are. Then open a dialogue and take the true steps to over coming that malfunction in your software. Racism is part of that American way of life we proudly send troops to defend by killing people that do not live here.

Now while the country is in turmoil over injustice and our militant police force, nothing can stop the next abhorrent tradition shared by all races. Shopping. Like disgusting animals people start circling big box stores hours after what is supposed to be sentimental quality time with family so that we can feed our fiendish addiction to purchasing things at bottom dollar. You cannot beg someone to eat a fucking vegetable because its gross but without a thought our glorious citizens will line up in the extremest weather conditions to buy a printer at half prices. They will lose all humanity over appliances and turn a retail store into a war zone. While they pummel each other, CEO's stay home and enjoy the holiday as their bank accounts quietly but supremely grow from your asinine choice to shop at 2am. I used to think meth addicts were the worst kind of human, but that is changing, every year. You are low lives. You are disgusting and bad people with no moral compass. Not because you are shopping and some guy is working on a holiday, but because you are shopping for no reason, all the while feeding the big business demon that wants to control all of us. They have succeeded, because of you. Anyone that has gotten trampled at a Black Friday fire sale deserves it.

Lets talk more about our way of life that we need to defend. This is fun isn't it. 

We covered racism and consumerism. How about religion?

While built on a conflicting idea, and a constitution that clearly says so, our way of life, when not buying things, dictates that we viciously defend our religious beliefs. We do this through hating other religions and killing people of that faith if need be. Killing is allowed when we feel our strong morality is being corrupted or if that religion has oil. We also use religion to alienate lifestyles that we can't understand. Yeah, I am talking about homosexuals. We refuse to admit that they are guided by a biological imperative. Our most logical and scientific reason is that they would wake up one day, and because of the devil, decide they want to live a life a discrimination and hateful backlash, all for the chance to enjoy dicks or vaginas. Not only do they become condemned to rough life on this planet but you have already determined that they go to hell automatically. Well, gay friends, after I get evicted from America for my lack of government and troop worship, I will probably have to go to hell with you. Christians are obviously the majority in America and ingeniously position themselves as the persecuted any chance they get. Everyone loves a good underdog story right? Like the Marine dad that doesn't want his daughter to be taught about the Muslim religion in school. Yeah, that guy. Now we can't look at this objectively. First we must dress in our best outrage. Most people of the Christian faith would rather pretend like things don't exist or kill it, if it conflicts with their view. Even in a World History that is teaching kids about the Middle East. Learning about that society includes learning about their economics, traditions, and religion. I am certain that it wasn't an ISIS recruitment attempt. The idea of religion is great in my mind. But like most things, when people get a hold of it, it becomes a shit sandwich. A hateful, violent, and annoying shit sandwich.

I am pretty sure we could drill down and unlock the loveliness of other aspects of our precious way of life but I think these 3 things give us a good 30,000 foot view of where we are. 

So you will have to forgive me if I don't have feel sentimental toward America when met with the idea that that our troops are defending our way of life. And you will have to forgive me if I have become a little disenchanted with said way of life. When you look at the facts, the numbers on paper, we are a pretty giant group of assholes with some good guys sprinkled throughout. The only race that should matter is the Asshole Race that we have all become. We are a society that takes no personal responsibility. We kill kids. We abandon our elderly. We cause poverty. Then we starve the poor. When a responsible social program is implemented, we take advantage of it. We kill our brains with booze, drugs, and Top 40 music. We kill our bodies with deep fried everything. And we kill our souls with hate and ipads. Then the best part is that we deny we are personally responsible for any of it. No one is at fault. No one has to accept responsibility if we can blame our neighbors or someone that is different than we are. It's not your fault you're fat. It's not your fault you're a loser. It's not you're fault you're an addict.

Yes, I am despondent and apathetic. I am for once hateful but not excluding anyone While I am grateful and proud of my personal growth and accomplishments, I am sad at the state of the world I live in. So please don't preach to me about how I should be proud of my geographic location. Pride, respect and trust are earned.

Our system, our country, our society, our "Way of Life" are broken. The sooner you stop denying that, the sooner we can start to overcome it.  

  

1 Year Sober. Lessons Learned. People Loved.

A couple of things you should know about me...If secrets were water I would have drown a long time ago. And I am just as good at making strangers out of friends as I am making friends out of strangers. I used to like to think I was complicated with an almost super natural ability to outwit most of the fiascoes I found myself in. The funny part of delusion is that it's invisible to the delusional. I was a blunt object. I caused wreckage where ever I went.

When there was no one around to abuse I turned most of my strikes inward and took it out on myself. 30 beers a night, topped with some grease shack burger, and multiple rounds of self loathing. When people were around I was chaos covered in fun sauce until I perceived you to be a threat to my fantasy world.

When they say the first step is admitting you have a problem, I never understood why. Logically, I admitted to myself several times that I had a problem with drinking. The difficult part was admitting why and accepting that the problem went deeper than hangovers and weight gain. It forced me to look back on the wreckage of my past with new eyes. I couldn't justify all the pain I had caused by just being this crazy rock n roll championing wannabe anymore. I had to admit I was wrong. I had to look directly into the face of my actions. I had to admit that my past wasn't this rebellious play land of silly antics and admit that it was a dark landscape littered with debris and the lifeless bodies of relationships destroyed. I wasn't so fucking cute anymore. Yeah, admitting you have a problem is deeper than just saying you drink to much. Brace yourself, this ones going to hurt.

1 Month.

After a brutal hangover left behind in 30 Lone Star cans, skipping work, lying about it and bathing in disgust. I knew I couldn't touch anymore alcohol. I knew it was over. The party had ended pathetically. Roll Credits. Sometime a week later I went to a meeting of the like minded and pitiful. I had no expectations, all I knew is that it was the right move. The only move left really. After opening my mouth in the meeting and letting some of the darkness spew into the room, it fell to the floor and was covered by empathy and understanding. These people didn't know me, but like me, they were happy to listen and comforted by knowing that somewhere on the East Side of Austin, this guy was wrestling with a similar fate. I was skeptical but I felt lighter. I knew I had to go back. I didn't hear any magical answer that first time, but I did pick up on the energy and the need to repeat this was set.
Still I was a little concerned that this might be one of my desperate gasps at air before someone saved me and then things could go back to normal,  Normal being a gracious round of drinks followed by a tirade on how I could handle things, I just needed to calibrate and handle it my way. I mean, my way had proven itself numerous times before right? All I have to do is inflate some past victory and then shoot for that imaginary standard. Living in the past was comfortable. It's like getting one good night of sleep then trying to stay awake for a week. The first month brought lots of pats on the back and well wishes. Less concerned but more skeptical friends offered up bits of advice and rationale that only alcoholics had. You could see in their eyes their concern for losing someone that validates them and disdain for the fact that my actions would force them, even for a second, to think about where they were at. I was on the newly sober high, if you will, and things were trucking along with a breezy momentum. I new my sobriety was still weak and my situation volatile. So I kept my mouth shut and avoid becoming a preachy preaching machine and sited my decision to be sober for very personal or superficial reasons. I avoided any real in depth chat sessions about it where I could. Some people wanted to dig deeper and to be honest, sometimes I needed to talk about it outside of a room filled with strangers. It the first month, it felt like more of a novelty to other people and support was easy to give. If I had backed out on the spot, no one would have thought any differently and the party would have raged on as if it never happened. I started on September 26th 2013. One month later was my birthday and my first milestone. I went to a meeting, then I went home and watched TV. Alone. It was sort of a Stoic moment. I needed it. I also didn't quite trust myself yet. So despite the many invitations from wonderful friends to at least hang out...I just absorbed and enjoyed the milestone and was grateful I would not start my 32nd year on this planet hungover and regretful.

Month 2

By now the novelty of this sober experiment was strong in me and to those around me. Momentum had me going and sometimes I felt like it was going a little too easy. I had made a deal with myself that as long as I didn't drink I could do whatever else I wanted. I could eat to my hearts content (or dismay) and smoke and be lazy and just relax. Just don't drink. That was my only objective. Baby steps my friend. You can learn a lot from Bill Murray movies, and so I took an excerpt from What About Bob? and rolled with it. Month 2 was uneventful. Still fielding questions from people that sometimes borderline on too personal and quickly lightening up the conversation. I started to notice that people still didn't really believe it was going to be a real thing. Sometimes I think the questions were to get me to second guess myself and sometimes the questions just felt like people have no sense of boundary. We all know I don't scare easily and on the off chance it might help someone, I would oblige.  But the questions started to thin and a quick pat on the back became the norm. But towards the end of the 2nd month, when people realized I wasn't backing away from all this foolishness, things did start to turn weird. The first of two strange occurrences was that it felt like I had told people I had cancer. After the well wishes were over, the awkwardness set in and people tried to cater to me a little too much or keep me at a distance. It was almost like they didn't want to catch what I had or didn't want to face their own mortality. Again, I tried to be accommodating by avoiding my habit to be overbearingly opinionated and evangelical about my new outlook. I kept it to myself when I wasn't hiding out. I knew better than to push the issue but nonetheless people got squirmy about it. This didn't last forever but the first social lesson I learned is that people had to take some time to come around to this new reality. In their defense, me not being a raging fucking idiot and trying to be the center of attention had to be a little off putting. Almost like I was planning something even more diabolical. But if the change was hard for you as my friend, trust me, it was hard for me too. My feelings aren't hurt. The second weirdness came when people weren't asking me questions about it anymore but I could hear them quietly asking my girlfriend how she was handling it. Again, like I had cancer and now she was tasked with taking care of me. They should almost a concern for her well being as I made a commitment to become better. Lucky for me she is awesome and handled all those perplexing shows of concern like a pro. The second month was awkward like a first kiss but I knew if I just kept going it was get better and I would finally get to the good stuff!

Month 3

The 90 Day time frame is this strange and arbitrary block we tend to give things to determine whether or not they are going to work out. 90 day probation periods at jobs. 90 Day weight loss programs. 90 day probations and so on. In sobriety it is no different. Where you first month is huge, getting to 3 months or 90 days is the first major milestone. I felt that day, just like I do today at my 1 year milestone. There had been enough pats on the back so those subsided. People became a little more comfortable and aware of my sobriety. Now the questions changed tone from less about me to more about the people you can tell had been tinkering with the idea for their own reasons. At AA 90 days is long enough to qualify you for chairing a meeting. By then you should be well read in the Big Book, (Which I was not),and even have some helpful tips and hints to give out. The questions changed for the most part from being personal to "Hey, you still not drinkin?" Then moving on. My birthday had passed and now it was the holiday season which was hard. I could no longer just hide out. If you know me, you know that I don't really get into the holiday spirit cheer as it is, so being forced into a room with family or friends and having those contrived conversations about how life is going is uncomfortable for me to begin with. That was amplified by not being able to self medicate, being bombarded with conversations about sobriety and people glad that I "finally" took that step. Not to mention, I had lost all interest in football. But people saying "I'm glad you finally did it." Is a little insulting. That means you sat for years watching it, but never expressed any concern or support before, but now you sit there like some enlightened asshole that knew the end of the movie the whole time. Whatever, thanks for the well wishes. Anyway, I had come too far to back out now. People were well aware of my sobriety and happy to hold me accountable and be very supportive. Some of the awkwardness was still lingering but it was dissipating quickly. Still allowing myself freedom on all fronts as long as I was sober, was catching up to me. The beer belly was turning into a double cheeseburger with bacon belly and my jowls were on par with John Goodmans or a Saint Bernard. While I wasn't hungover any more, and my health seemingly better, I was just fat and that has it's consequences as well. However, it was the holiday season. Time to eat, drink (non-alcoholic beverages) and be merry. I can put that issue off for awhile. By now my positive affirmations and newly found attitude and lust for life had landed me a new job, new car, more money. I was finally not the boyfriend at Christmas promising to "make it up" to Kim when I got my income tax. I developed a habit of waking up and before letting my feet touch the floor letting God know I was grateful for all of these changes and even the tiny things in life I used to be to drunk to notice. All the good feels were all over me. I felt strong. It felt good.

Months 4 and 5

Because these two months are not governed by that arbitrary time frame stigma, these two months really did blend together. By now everyone had settled down and stopped grieving the loss of the fat drunken party favor clown I used to be. They also noticed that I could still be funny and an asshole while stone sober. Although they did see less of it. The novelty of the journey had worn off by now. Now it was just becoming, the way things are. It wasn't new and shiny and people had grown bored with the inappropriate interrogations or ran out of questions.  Either way I was cool with it. I had cooled off on going to meetings too. Some sense of over confidence came over me and I was slacking. I kept up the grateful routine with God but my journal remained blank and my book remained on the shelf. This took a toll. Without and guidance or insight I was fucking bored too. I grew pretty tired of being hold up in my house or trying to find sober things to do. Most of the time, sober adventures are all alone. I like my alone time...but isolation is a motherfucker. While your friends still love you, they will stop including you. My theory is that they just don't want to put you in awkward or tempting situations, and they also don't want to feel obligated to entertain the sober guy. As reality slips away from your drunk friends in social settings, you may as well be alone because you will have no fucking clue what they are talking about. Funny note though, when someone gets really drunk they will tell you how much they respect and even envy you for your decision. They make a drunken proclamation to join you on the journey. I knew better than to ever take that too seriously because most people will stay sober...until the next time they drink. You can't hitch your wagon to anyone else's on this path. You have to take the ride alone. Aligning yourself with someone else means you also align yourself with their problems, shortcomings, failures, and possible relapses. It's best to be encouraging but avoid it. These months are the first glimpse at how you are going to become an outsider. How you will live on the fringes because drinking is pretty much the norm. These months are eye openers when you get the the stage of acceptance of a brand new reality. These were also the months that you have to start moving on with life. You can't continue to take breaks from improving your plight and using sobriety as an excuse. Still holding strong to my anit-sad medications and shoving my fat neck full of fries, I had to start setting some standards and goals for myself.

Months 6 - 9

Month 6 is the 3rd major mile stone. By now you are sober. Your friends are cool with it, life is good and you are really settling into your new self. Knowing I had started slacking, I got back into my meetings, reading, and writing more. Of course too, keeping everyone updated on my progress. I felt strong and wanted other people to know it's possible. I had heard from some people that knew they needed to make the change in course but were having a hard time doing it. I feel like putting this out there has helped and will help. By 6 months, people looked at me and said, "If that fucking guy can do it, I know I can." Good. Do it. I am here to help if I can. Month 6 I had to start taking some responsibility for the other things I was doing to myself out side of drinking. I was 270 pounds, I had the lungs of a 50 year old according to my doctor at physical. (He had no opinion on my balls after he squeezed them.) Now was the time to truly get on my feet and start moving forward. Enough was enough. I ditched the burgers and started slowly making better diet decisions and trying to get out and do something active more and more. I gave the netflix servers a break and probably disappointed the shareholders at What-A-Burger. I probably single handedly caused some exec to lose his quarterly bonus. I got with a nutrition coach and spent an absurd amount of money eating cleaner and educating myself on how to feed myself properly. Part of that education was learning that you don't have to spend an absurd amount of money. Dammit. Healthy and clean eating started to repair and erase some of the years of damage done by binging  on beer and burgers. My head started clearing up and I was gaining a lot of the confidence I had lost long ago. This time the confidence wasn't bravado meant for the general public, but self confidence in that, I actually felt it. It felt good. It was like I got accepted into some secret club that people had been enjoying for years that I was always invited to but never went because I was scared. Fear kept me drunk. Fear kept me unhappy. Fear was my excuse and master. Not anymore. Fear was becoming my bitch. A healthy diet was great but I was still alone with no social outlet and logging far too many couch hours.

 A suggestion from my nutrition coach to join a bootcamp in my neighborhood was probably one of the best things to ever happen to me. I was mortified at the thought of working out in a group, in public, and being instructed. The truth was that my gym membership had just become this thing I got debited for in case my plumbing ever went out and I needed a place to shower. It was useless. I had no clue what to do and zero initiative to do it. No one cared whether I went or not and I couldn't nail down a routine. The first time I attempted to go was at 5:30am. I had no idea what was going on that early in the morning. I didn't know where to go. I was late. I walked up to the wrong camp. It was the worst. I hadn't started and I wanted to give up. But I had already paid so I gave it another shot, this time at a later class. When you wake up and it is still dark outside, it still feels like yesterday. Why do people do that?

At my first class we did some squats and jumping jacks and walk-outs whatever the fuck those were, and some other things and I was feeling the burn! I wanted to pass out from lack of oxygen. This shit was intense. Then the instructor said "Ok, now that we are all warmed up, lets get into the workout." I wanted to cry. This was not for me. Nope. Not doing it. It's stupid. Not my style. I promptly inquired in how to cancel. After a little encouragement from the coach, I returned and kept plugging away. (Fulling intending to quit when my qroupon was up.) Then something dawned on my. Not only was I losing more weight, but people were noticing. I was actually showing up almost everyday. Each class got a little more manageable to get through in that I wanted to die less and less each time. I started making some friends. People were holding me accountable and encouraging me like my friends had done when I first started sobriety. The difference was, these people didn't know me but they cared. No one asked me or judged me about my sobriety. This quickly became a priority in my life. My days are scheduled around my workouts. I go to all the regular classes and then try to cram in classes at other camps on my days off.

One year after going sober, and 6 months into a truly healthier lifestyle, I am down 50 pounds. I went from a 10 minute mile to below 8 minutes. I can do things of athletic origin that I never thought I had any business doing before. I have encouraged people to put in some extra time and made some fantastic friends. Fucking A...Here come those feels again.

1 Year

I am well into my life now. The thought of going back makes me sick to my soul. I am not out of the water by any means. I was born an alcoholic and certain circumstances in my life have just embedded those sleeping demons deeper and deeper. I am in for life long work. But it beats being in for life long defeat. I still have a hard to reconciling my past behavior. I wish I could heal some of the wounds I inflicted on some of the greatest people to ever have been blessed with. I lost a best friends and a wife because of my madness. I don't ever expect to win them back on any level or for them to even want to tolerate me for me a moment and I know that I don't deserve it. But I wish with everything I have and everything I am that I could just tell them I am sorry. I don't ever think in cliches about how I wish I could "Go back in Time". It's not rational and while it is a comforting thought, it is a distraction and to me means I wish I could change it so that I wouldn't have to accept the responsibility for it. They will probably never know about my new life or how I feel. But a lot of what I do is with them in mind. I will never do to someone what I did to them again. Without them I wouldn't even have had the chance to get my shit together because they saved my life several times. Over and over again they put their lives on hold to take care of the guy passed out on the floor. They put their problems on hold so that I could let mine consume me. They spent countless days in uncomfortable situations so I didn't have to step outside of my comfort zone. It has taken me years to truly appreciate the sacrifices they made for me and I will never forget them for it. I hope that they have gone on to be happier than they've ever been and the sun shines on them always.


Now I can focus on the people that are presently in my life. They are no strangers to the tyranny of an out of control drunk that I am best at being. They have lifted me up and believed in me when I had no idea why or how they could.

My girlfriend Kim was the first person to show me the power of a smile. Her patience is something of legend. She has refused to leave my side when it probably made a lot of sense to do so. She has been encouraging when it seemed like I was intentionally sabotaging myself. She is proud of me no matter how small the accomplishment. I may have gotten sober had she not been around, but I would most certainly not be the man I am today without her. She truly loves me and has helped me learn to truly love myself and in turn I have learned to truly, deeply, and painfully love her. Babe! Love!

My family have always been proud card carrying member of the Preston Fan Club and have taken their share of metaphorical beatings from me too. They have always stood by me. They are always available to talk, though I am sure they wished I would talk more. I am so lucky to have been given a support system like this one. My family, the few I do talk to are truly a blessing.

I don't keep a lot of friends due to my strongly held beliefs that most people are idiots, but there is a small of group that I couldn't live without. My friends that have put up with all my antics are what give me energy. I have a great group of friends that accept me for who I am and even kind of like me sometimes. :) You guys are the best. The few, the proud, the Preston's friends. hahaha


This has been a road hard traveled for me. Even though all day I have been trying desperately to process it. It really doesn't feel that long. But when I look at it in terms of progress...1 year no booze. Lost 50 pounds. I can do pull ups. Fuck, even my credit score has gone up...I know I have come a long way. From a weak shattered clown, I am actually descending on normalcy. Or as normal as it gets with me. Instead of letting some corporation control and poison me almost daily, I am living on my own terms. I have learned that fighting conformity is just another version of conforming but that strengthening yourself is how you truly fight back. I spent years doing what everyone else was doing under the illusion that it made me an individual. Something I thought I treasured. But I was was empty and the only way I felt like I mattered was to fill myself up with alcohol. Now true to my nature, I feel legitimately rebellious. Songs that preach anti-conformity actually make sense now that I am in the minority. The minority of people that step outside their comfort zones and take control of their own lives. I no longer feel powerful because I can run someone over but that I have the strength to get up and walk after I fall. I don't know what the future holds for me but I am not scared of it any more. Today I am finally grateful to be alive. I finally feel like I matter. I finally love myself.



I used to fall...but now I get back up.