Craigslist Ad for Sidekick/PA

 Looking for Sidekick/PA Until College is Over (east austin)

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January has given me a void to fill. Now that I am over the excitement of my new toys from Christmas and finished Dexter on Netflix...I have run out of things to do. This would typically be the time I peel myself off of the couch and hit the mean skreets of Austin looking for adventure. I don't necessarily have anything stopping me, but my sidekick...Let's just call her "Daisy"...has decided to desert me for stupid college again. Summers and Holidays are great but when the semester starts she gets all selfish and decides she has to study and be an all around douche. But it's whatever...I will keep on trucking....possibly with you riding shotgun on this Big Rig of Fun!!!!!

First lets get some requirements out of the way...

You have to be female. Bro's I know this should be equal opportunity but hanging with chicks is usually more fun. Plus chicks are cuter and easier to lift into windows in case we decide to do any crime. Also most of my ghost hunting is more successful when I have a female offerings to perverted dead ghost dudes.

Ladies...this is not a sexual gig...I have a girlfriend that works very hard and it usually is just easier if she doesn't have to participate in these adventures. Also she does not like ghosts.

You must be attractive. Uglier women tend to be distracting as you cannot tell if they just look a certain way or if they are angry or need to be fed.

You must like Heavy Metal music, Classic Rock, and Snickers Bars.

Dancing skills are pretty helpful in case we meet some bitch girls or dudes that challenge us to a dance off to defend our rep.

Singing skills would be great just so we can harmonize.

It's helpful if you are short...my shoes come untied and often when I bend to tie them my crack shows and that can be embarrassing for both of us.

You must also know how to tie shoes.

This was not "Daisy's" strong suit as they would come untied again...often...and she would have to start the process over again.

No Gamers. I am terrible at video games and do not want to hear you tell me about them for hours and hours. I don't care how long it took you to beat it.

Strong preferred if you have big boobs in the event of a swimming accident.

Having a car would be a step up. But not too nice of one and then we have to take your car everywhere but you drive like an asshole and then we argue and then I have start this whole thing over again. I am thinking about the long term here.

I have a bike. If you have a bike...we can rock the Greenbelt or practice wheeleys at Auditorium shores so as people will know we are awesome.

Must have a decent pair of sunglasses and look cool as shit with them on. A photo will be required.

Must love dogs. If you are not a dog person, don't even respond. Go back to blowing Satan or whatever you people do.

You have to make a happy plate. I like to eat delicious food stuffs riddled with hearty red meat and burgers the size of your head. I need you to be able to keep on this and not embarrass me in front of everyone at hopdoddy when you can't finish your Terilinqua.

Must like hopdoddy.

Karate skills are not required but we will get plenty of practice in case Johnny and those assholes from Cobra Kai show up again.

Non drinker preferred, light drinker is ok. You are my sidekick and I don't want to have to carry you out of places or listen to why you can't seem to find a good guy while picking pieces of puke from your hair. (Daisy is a non-drinker.)

Finally, this is just a short-term gig unless you have what it takes! One Daisy could come back and shit could get pretty awkward when you're trying to ride shotgun but she just ASSUMES she can ride shotgun and then a pistol comes out.

Also please do not be a gun carrier.

A photo will be required. Please reply to the email with one.
You must be up to date on all your shots and not have any physical quirks that might be hard for me to over look and then I have to pretend all day like one of your eyes isn't mad at the rest of your face.

Looking for someone to start ASAP...I almost done with all the seasons of The Office on Netflix and shit is about to get real.

Thanks and Godspeed.

(This is a non-paying gig in terms of actual cash. But some of the richest people I know are the ones with the most friends. Strangely enough the people with lots of friends always have cash too...weird...Well, then you'll be on your way...)

• Location: east austin
• do NOT contact me with unsolicited services or offers
• Compensation: no pay

The Douche Bag List: Knowing is the first Step in Protection

For some, the world today doesn't require a lot of time toward things really essential to our existence as it did years ago. For some, the money they earn doesn't always go toward essentials like retirement planning or education. No, no, now it can go towards loud exhaust on tiny cars and shoes that go nicely with douchetastic shirts that say "Keep Calm and Fist Pump On".

We are no longer a nation of hero types or role models. The current generation is an aching hangover of 90's kids that refused to grow up and their younger siblings fiendish consumerism. We don't admire athletes, we worship them. We don't look up astronauts, our new heroes are the seedy rich loser type that exist on a different planet on our televisions and transmit to frontal lobes in the form of reality TV. Best case scenario is that it's sad, reality is that it's scary. We are plumping up and dumbing down...We can only hope for the end or a revolution of minds.

With that being said, there are a lot of stand outs that we encounter everyday. Their small, annoying, and thoughtless actions give you a deep look into their nonsensical existence. In only a brief second, you can see how this creature lives their whole lives. The pestering insects of the human race...The Douche Bag.

This is my list notables...

1. Vegans-

You know how to tell if you have a vegan over for dinner? ---Because they will fucking tell you!
A vegan will go into a self righteous, well rehearsed monologue about how and why they became vegan. It ranges from the cruel treatment of animals to cow farts destroying the ozone. The will let you know the adversity they live with and how it was hard at first...but now it's not so bad. Worst part about this? I DIDN'T FUCKING ASK! The other part is that they feel because they are on this holy quest to save the planet from industrialized animal flatulence, that everyone need make special accommodations for them where ever and whenever they decide. Hey asshole! If you don't want what the rest of us are having, go home! Make a salad and shove a cucumber in your bum-bum because we are tired of hearing it. I don't know what your policy is on having a leather boot in your ass but you are going to have to decide if you don't shut up.

2. The Uber Health Conscious Liberal Type...that smokes...

You know these people. You mention you have a hankering for Taco Bell or want to throw down on some Jack in the Box and they curl their lip and look down at you as if you just asked to watch them take a dump. These people too always have a lot to say...even when you don't ask. They make sure you know they buy over priced groceries, organic, and local! The give you recipes and ideas to cleanse your body of all the poison that corporate food chains are making you eat against your will. The funny part is, most of this comes out over a cigarette and booze. ALMOST ALL OF THESE PEOPLE SMOKE CIGARETTES! So you can lecture me on eating some tasty quick service while you puff down on something proven to kill you? You get to make an exception? I could probably eat Big Macs everyday and not get lung cancer you hypocritical fuck head. So before you start a lecture on things you read from the Huffington Post or on NPR, take that fuckin cigarette out of your mouth. Go get in shape and be the sterling example of health you need to be before you lecture me about what I put in my body.

3. Bumper Sticker People

Can you think of a more passive aggressive way to tell the world what you are thinking? Come on. Your bumper sticker has never convinced me of anything besides the fact that you are a douche bag with no back bone to actually make a stand for things you believe in. The back of your car looks like a musicians guitar case but with really stupid slogans. "COEXIST" - Uh no...I like not liking some people because it's fucking funny. Political stickers are the worst. So you are going to convince me, at 70 miles per hour that Obama was "One Big Ass Mistake America"? It's not working. I just know that you have stupid priorities. The little stick figure families are just awkward...What happens when the dad leaves? And he will. Why wouldn't he leave a crazy bitch that puts stick figures of her family on the back of her car? Lastly, if you have racing or performance stickers on your car, but you do not have racing or performance parts on your car, please drive that car off a bridge.

4. Always Wearing a Bluetooth Guy...or Girl

Some how I feel like this technology should not still be a fashion statement. Don't get me wrong, they are great for driving or while at work. However, walking through the fucking grocery store with one on your head and no one on the end of the line just makes you look like an asshat with no friends. Those are for essential use only, not for making you look like you are about to get the big call while you pick out a frozen dinner before you go home and beat off to Animal Planet. Get with it people, put the fucking things in your pocket. Or keep wearing them so your Doucheness won't be camouflaged. These guys usually are the same guys from #5...

5. Wears Sunglasses Inside Person

Ok, do we still have to have this conversation? I mean really? Are the halogens blinding you? Or do you think some chick is going to come up and ask you for an autograph? I am sure you were MVP on your slow pitch softball team but that hardly makes you a rock star. Take them off asshole. When you combine #4 and #5 you get Douchetron.

6. Any guy that wears a scarf ever.

Self explanatory

7. Guy that Leaves Radio Blaring when Parked at Gas Station

Honestly I think think it should be legal to pepper spray these people at will. Ladies you are lucky because you rarely do this. When you actually do it, I just assume it's your boyfriends car and you don't know how to turn the radio off. This is almost exclusively black guys too. Before you cry racism, think about it, and you know I am right. Being a douche transcends all race but I have to include this fact for educational purposes. It's always the worst rap song you've ever heard and is only drown out by the massive truck rattle happening. Do you need theme music to go in and buy a gatorade and some skittles? Has anyone ever really walked you to you and asked what song you were playing because they wan't to buy it? The truth is, from what I can gather, that these songs are usually about big money and getting pussy and being from what I can guess a pretty successful gangsta. But from the looks of that piece of shit you are driving and your spinning hubcaps...that's really not the soundtrack of your life. Turn it down asshole or get some custom plates that just say DOUCHE so we can see ya coming.

8. Boob Shirt Girl That Wants to be Respected

You have giant boobs. Glorious wonderful boobs. I applaud you for letting them breath and be free in the sunshine. You are a hero in my book and keep up the public service young lady. Take care of your wonderful love pillows. But, you can't honestly put on that shirt with the low neckline, that fits tight, hugging the twins oh so perfectly and not expect a man to look. We don't even have control over it. Our heads just turn that way like the magnetic pull of the core of the planet on a compass we know true north and it is atop your Rocky Mountains. Unless you are some kind of heartless sadist that wants to instigate some trouble, you have to over look the looks. I tried hard to keep this off the list because I appreciate the unspoken work you are doing, but too many chicks complain about getting gawked while "minding their own business". Maybe you did just want to go to the mall and pick up a couple of things but your num-nums caused a scene and that is your fault. Let the people look or cover 'em up. Please do not make me add yoga pants to this list. Yoga pants may one day be the cause of world peace.

9. Affliction/MMA Shirt Guy

So I noticed you are in moderate shape, you are genius with the hair gel, and all of your jeans have flaps over the back pockets...but what does that shirt say? Tap Out? Tap out of what? Are you tapped out of personality? And what affliction do you have? Do you have an affliction that causes you to shave your legs and suck a lot of dick? Once these guys have made the decent into douchebag oblivion there is really not limit to the amount of douche bag violations they may incur in just one night out at the douchiest bar in town. It will range from the sunglasses inside at night to wearing so much designer cologne they could could catch fire. These are the same guys that go to strip clubs hoping to find a girlfriend and work out in front of the mirror at the gym. I could go on and on about thee guys but I won't. If I even need any help on shaving a pussy, I know who to ask.

10. Grown men that listen to Drake or the like...
'Nuff Said...

11. People that end everything with "Just Sayin"
I know you're "just sayin" it, I had to sit listen to your stupid ass. Is that really necessary? Most of the time that statement is preceded by something really stupid.

12. People from other States that Live in Texas but talk shit about living here...

Last I checked, we are not under any sort of martial law that will not allow you to cross borders within the country and move back to whatever proud American state or city you are so in love with. You can pack your car, hit I-35 or Hwy 10 and be out of here in no time. Why the fuck would you stay here if you hate it and hate the people so much? We certainly aren't keeping you here. You can always move back to a state that we make fun of. I mean you are grown and able...get the fuck out...

13. Women that are trying to rewrite the rules...

I have been inundated with internet posts about "Real men prefer curves over sticks" and pictures of Marilyn Monroe with quotes about inner beauty...oh my goodness it goes on for days. I hypothesize this movement started when some portly gal named Tundra coined the phrase "a T-shirt and jeans" kinda gal. To address that one, that basically means you have given up. If you are a living the true definition of that label. There are some girls that will make a man a little stupid in the right jeans and t-shirt, but the girls that are using the phrase are not those girls...These are girls wearing mom jeans with a 12 inch zipper and t-shirt that says "Safeway Blood Drive 1998". These are the lost souls that no one wants to look at so they attempted to re-brand themselves into something more desirable. This did not work. Moving on to the girls used to be fat and are now "Curvy". Rebranding again...again unsuccessfully. I heard this one "Real men like steak, not just a bone"...No real men like whatever they fuck they want to like, typically this is not your frumpy ass. Also, there aren't just two extremes in this world. There is more than fat and skinny. There are just really hot chicks and while you are online posting memes about how someone should see the part of you filled with twinkies and ho-ho's, the inner you, those girls are out taking all the guys that don't want to date you. Grab a salad, hit a treadmill, maybe shed some of your heart disease and then maybe we'll talk. See I am not sure you understood the song. It's not an actual milkshake that brought all the boys to the yard. Lastly, stop using Marilyn Monroe as your shining example of womanhood. Most of the quotes you post are just made and she didn't say them. They are interchangeable to different female stars and you will fall for it because the rational part of your brain is filled with angst and candy. She was pretty much a slut and if she were in your group of friends, she'd be the one you talk shit about all the time because you heard she fucked her boss. Most importantly, she worked out, tried to be beautiful but ultimately killed herself by overdosing on pills...just a thought. Also, when we say curvy, we are thinking more along these lines...

Obviously there are many many more but there isn't much time. PLUS this is your opportunity to add your own by commenting below or on Facebook or twitter @prestontown

Is Homosexuality worse than Stupidity? God vs.God

I tried to avoid it but I have to do it. It has to be addressed.

Sometimes I wake up, eat my breakfast, brush my teeth, step out into the world with intentions of conquering the day. Carpe Fuckin Diem man. Then suddenly I feel like I am being surrounded by some army of subhuman imbreds and they are declaring war on anything reasonable. They take grenades to common sense only to be distracted by shiny colors and loud noises. This provides me a small window to retreat back to the safety of my home, sensibility, and quite possibly a good book.

Social media is like a museum for extreme feats of stupidity. It can actually be quite amazing. Most people fear a pending zombie apocalypse, well my friends, I believe it's already started. You can start your observation of the brain dead fiends on Facebook, twitter, and the sort. If you want a good up close look, I suggest the mall in any suburban area or head further out into the countryside where they roam free. It's a spectacle alright...a gross,  putrid, spectacle of the walking dead. Go see for yourself.

Here is a list of what I believe will be the main components in the nitwit atom bomb that will destroy America. Start digging your shelters and don't say I didn't warn you.

 I guess the glaring issue, eh, last week, was the whole Duck Dynasty, Phil Robertson, redneck outrage fiasco. First, the guy has every right to say what is on his mind. The constitution allows us that right now, and they I am sure allowing us to show how doltish we can be will always be overlooked. After all, we are a nation that will only quiet someone down when there is fear of someone losing money. I guess the main argument was that he shouldn't have been fired...well he was for a week. Then he came back. If you think he came back because A&E thought it was the right thing to do, or that your internet slacktivism had anything to do with it, you are an idiot. A&E knows that they would have lost money. They know that some of your hard earned Keystone money was going to them in the form of shirts, coozies, and other fad like items that you will most assuredly be hawking to someone else at a garage sale in 5 years. The only change you made was that someone knew they were about to lose more money by not having him on than by kicking him off. Plain and simple. You can go change your profile pictures back to what they were before.

The other argument for this guy is that he was standing up for what his religious beliefs...so lets talk about that for a minute.

He said he didn't understand what one man saw in another mans anus, likened the lifestyle to bestiality, and also made some incredibly racist comments about the Jim Crow Laws. For those of you that get your information from internet memes, I suggest looking up the actual interview. Have an adult help you if some of the words are too big.  Then came the legions of people saying, very tongue in cheek that they agree with him. Of course no one just came out and said they were against Gays, Gay Rights, or the lifestyle, because I am sure you couldn't remember or weren't sure if you had added any to your 1000 "friends" on Facebook. Although there were a few outlyers that were pretty vocal on their stances and backed it up with editorial Biblical references and little quips. So there it is...they are not defending the man, they are defending the God he believes in! They are coming to the aid of the supreme being that gave them life and all of their many fortunes!  So like a weapon they rip out the Holy text and start fire those words from Leviticus damning these people and all that support them. It was quite remarkable.

It made me wonder, all of these Biblical scholars here fighting all that is good, holy, and American, they must be following all of the other commandments, rules, and ancient statutes set by the Creator himself. I mean, it does say that a man can not lay with another man as he would a woman. So what about the rest of the antiquated laws and rules the Good Book teaches us? Shouldn't we be following those, blindly, out of context, and literally?

I mean there are a bunch and it can get difficult to keep up with. But, for all of you devout followers, this shouldn't be a problem. I will name a few, and since you are so devout, you will know where they are, I shouldn't have to give you the exact verse. Rest assured though, should you need it, this heathen is happen to give you an index.

Because if you are going to suppress a group of human beings, not treat them as equals, and damn them to eternal hell, you must be thinking for the for the greedy, drunkards, swindlers, and good old fashioned adulterers. I mean, we love a good adultery story...as long as it doesn't involve a man with another man.

Seriously, lets keep them from voting or sharing benefits because we are unhappy with their sexual decisions? Even when God calls out all these other folks in his book? What gives them the hall pass?

We still eat pork even though in Deuteronomy it says that we shouldn't. In fact, it lists out a bunch of foods that we aren't supposed to eat.

What about the whole, "Don't kill people" commandment? This great country of ours is great at it. Of course we do it so the terrorists won't keep us from the shopping malls...but we are among the best at slaughtering people. Is it ok as long as we say we are doing it for God?

Also, with divorce rates flying over 50% in this country, what are you so worried about? Chances are, it won't last...just like your failed marriage. Hold on though...isn't divorce a sin too? Wait now I am really getting confused...Gay marriage should be banned but divorce should be an industry? Hell people even celebrate divorces. I guess I am having a hard time understanding where your faith makes any sense.

I have set it before..."If you make divorce illegal, everyone would go ahead and give marriage a second thought.

But I can understand needing to get married since a pregnancy was involved....ooooh shit...wait...Sex before marriage? Isn't that...no it couldn't be, all the faithful redneck teen moms were all married before conception. I am sure of it! Or did you find someway to get God to sanctify your Keystone fueled romp in the bed of a pick up? If you can explain that one to me, I'd sure be grateful.

My favorite were the women that stood forth on mighty pedestals denouncing the lifestyle! I mean, maybe they thought if they made enough noise, people would forget about what the Bible says about women...If you know what it says...then you should probably Shut the fuck up...because that's exactly what it says you should do. And for those of you that haven't been discarded by you first husband and baby daddy, I really hope you are behaving and being submissive to your man...transgressors...You should have plenty of time to practice working at home as it says in Titus.

I guess you could throw back at me that I took some of that out of context...Kind of like you did with the homosexuality text. I guess you could always throw back that some of those rules are antiquated and don't have to be followed. But what makes Homosexuality any different? Who gives you fucking tards the right to judge anyone based on a book you don't even follow? By the code of Jehovah you are all going to hell. So if you don't like gay people now, you should try to get used to hearing a feminine male scream, because you will be spending eternity right next to him. I think the biggest sin here is how fucking stupid you all are.

You know back in the day they had Biblical justifications for slavery. Some racist groups still believe in them.
You used to be able to beat your wife.

But as a group, we slowly but surely grew out of that nonsense. This is nothing different. It just can't make sense to the feeble minded American that doesn't have enough going for them to look up to anyone any better than a bearded redneck asshole.

Also, before you come at me, or judge me, as you have probably done the whole time you read this, you have no idea what my relationship is with God. I can assure you have one and I am a grateful person for things that have been given to me, especially the gift of commonsense and the intelligence to know that rules from 2000 years ago, may not apply to todays world as literally as you think they should.

(For any of you atheist, I know this probably got your motor running, but keep it to yourself. You can be more annoying than a pissed off chihuahua and this isn't the time to hear your nonsense either.)

One rule I will say that should stand today is that you should be good to other people...maybe that will free up some of your time to clean up your own act.

Your Opinion: Is it Valid?

I have been thinking about this whole Duck Dynasty, Phil Robertson, and outraged Redneck America fiasco that has come and past. Some of it was disturbing and hard to swallow like somehow the apocalypse had already happened to our brains and the rest of existence just needed to catch up. It scared me. 

So I am drafting now what could be a law and possibly save us for this nonsense and hazardous stupidity. It may seem harsh, but don't fear, we will leave the TV on for you as not to interrupt the intravenous absurdity most people require to live. We won't take away your fix. You can continue to grow fat and drool in front of your television and spend your money in the free market accordingly. We are just trying to quarantine your mental dribble from those of us trying to get on with our lives in serious manner. Shiny and fluffy toys will be made available for you upon request. 

We are just going to make some adjustments to your freedom of speech and your ability to spout opinions on the rest of us. This is for your own protection and for the greater good of national security, publicity, and overall well being.

1. First if your life resembles some sort of cliche or early 90's Reba McEntire  video, you are no longer allowed an opinion. 

2. If you are a current fan or these musical disasters, you will also not be allowed an opinion on any public or social matter. 

      Nickleback

      Drake

      Aforementioned Reba

      Nicki Minaj

      Justin Beiber

      Miley Cyrus

      Lady Gaga

....these and the like will be reason for opinion termination. This is a living document and that list shall grow as more names come to me or are set loose on the people like rancid poultry causing disease. 

3. If have ever gotten religious perspective from TV or Film. 

4. If you have children and you made their name up or used one of these suffixes and attached your own prefix to create said name. This also applies to taking a traditional name and changing the spelling as to seem more hip and cool with the intention of adding personality to your child  before giving them a chance to develop their own.  You may lose more rights if it comes to light you thought this name was at all creative. 

     Suffix aiden- Examples Braiden, Kaiden, Paiden, and so on....

     Suffix iley or ylee, or any variation thereof - such Briley or Brylee, Kilie or Kylee

Again this is a living document and this list will grow.

5. Anyone that chooses to mix faith with opinion without first seeking the counsel of reason or actual facts. 

6. Pretty much any adult male that drives a small coupe with the intention of trying to make it a sports car. 

7. Any adult male that drives a small car that is marketed as a sports car but is clearly not real sports car.

8. Maybe any adult male driving a small car for any other reason besides budget or environmental impact.

9. Any woman that has been in an abusive relationship but has 10 decent guys in the friendzone. 

10. Anyone, man, woman or otherwise that has used rap/hip-hop lyrics to express how they feel on social media. 

      (Exceptions will be made for The Beastie Boys)

11. Anyone, man, woman, or otherwise that has used any song lyrics on a regular basis to describe feelings on social media. Rap and Hip-Hop were singled out due the extreme repugnance. 

12.  Anyone, man, woman or otherwise that finds any substance or entertainment value in shows or films about pregnant teenagers. Harsher punishments are being consider for this one...

This is a living document and shall grow as needed and as new idiocy arises that we feel we must be sheltered from. 

We protect our borders but we must protect ourselves from the spreading disease or ridiculousness that has a grip on our culture, like a fat baby with a McNugget...there is no hope. 

40 Days and 40 Nights: A Drop in the Bucket

A broken mind can find any reason to self destruct. The Friday at work was pretty typical. Dealing with irate customers over and over and day dreaming about being anywhere other than in a cubicle. One particularly angry customer and a lazy supervisor unwilling to offer support, along with my temper set things in motion. The actual story of what happened is actually pretty boring and not really worth going into. That's how petty something can be to trigger my self abuse.

The fuse was lit and my mind put together an all too familiar plan. I just needed to unwind, decompress, and have a few beers to settle down. I had a few in the fridge but for good measure stopped by and grabbed another 12ver on my way home. Before reaching the house, I ripped open the box and popped the can. Then the gleeful sound of the can opening. The pop, click,and hiss. I could relax in the calm before the storm.

Once I got home, I realize I had about 12 beers. Ok, good news, I'll have a few for tomorrow. Saved myself a trip to the store tomorrow. After all, all I am going to do is have a few, watch some TV and dick around on Facebook. Maybe I'd get a little buzz and think of something clever for people to respond to. Kim called, and I poured out my negativity on her instead of taking some time to actually visit and enjoy being able to talk to her. Spewing constant negativity and hopeless rants about inane bullshit on the ones you love is not conducive to healthy relationships, just for the record. By then I had a good buzz though. After verbally vomiting on my girlfriend, we hung up, I popped another can. Pop, click, hiss. Almost numb.

I got on the computer and posted something meaningless hoping for some response to combat the boredom. I put some music on the PA and turned it up. I reflected on the situation at work periodically and opened more beer. I opened my blog here and started a rant on how unfairly I am treated at work. Bitterness, anger, cynicism, and negativity took the wheel. More beer, more numb, more anger. On the flipside, I got that awesome invincible alcohol feeling, and told myself that things would change. I was above that job, I was better than everyone at that job, and I'd be fine. I'm Preston Fucking Wilson, and I am a creator of awesome shit! Drunken optimism gave way to the darker, destructive, and evil thoughts. Suicidal thoughts? Sure, I think that is standard for any addict. But those pass quickly. When real emotions present, cynicism, anger, and manipulative thoughts take over. How can I get what I want? Who can I take it from? How can I avoid actually dealing with reality just a little longer?

Compute, loud music, occasional conversations with dogs, more beer. My case of beer turned into a 12 pack, then into a 6 pack....panic set in. Was I going to need to go get more? I wasn't done. I had more nothing to do. It was getting late anyway. I was drunk, manic, and really needed sleep. I went into the bathroom, grabbed a couple Xanax, washed them down with my Lone Star. I'd be out soon.

Finally, even my thoughts become slurred and the meds kicked in. All the beer was gone. The only beer left was the half beer I forgot about and left sitting on the coffee table. I went to my bedroom. I turned on the tv, turned out the lights and laid down. Within minutes, the sweet mercy of sleep swept me off.

7:00am, the alarm went off. Resonating with the power of a tornado siren, briefly, I thought it was part of a dream. It wasn't. The reality of the day was here. Before my eyes even opened, immediate regret set in. "What the fuck was I thinking?" A question I have asked a million times but have never really been able to find the answer to.

My body was heavy and almost cramping up from dehydration. Not to mention, it wasn't rested at all. My eyes begrudgingly pulled themselves open, burning, and unable to focus. I turned on the lamp and was blinded. My stomach burned and churned with undigested booze and Doritos. It rumbled and boiled like one of those underwater volcanoes.  My mouth was dry, and my throat was sore from lack of water and my drunken snoring. But even the thought of taking a drink of water made me sick. All of this paled in comparison to the ball pin hammer assault happening on my skull. This was the dark hangover road I had traveled a thousand times before. I knew there was no cure. Only time and water would set me straight until the avalanche of hunger hit my nutrient depleted body. Then I could over compensate by eating a deep fried mess of nonsense that would spike my insulin levels. Just get through all that and I could go to bed early and put that wasted day behind me. I would push it deep down and try not to think about it again.

It was a brutal day. Days like that, you would think, would teach someone a lesson. But it doesn't teach an alcoholic anything. It's just part of life. It's what you do.

That day I did what everyone does the day after a bender, and told myself it was time to cut back, to moderate, and I couldn't do that to myself anymore. I went through the typical bargaining check list. I won't drink during the week or if I have to work the next day. When I do drink, I'll make sure to drink water before, during, and after. I would make sure to stop once I had a buzz instead of continuing on. Maybe I'll just cut out drinking for a few weeks and ease back into it. Sure, this sounds like a decent plan and it should work. Just get through the day Preston, you'll be fine, you've been here before.

You've been here before...

Wait...What?

The great thing about guilt and regret, is that it will allow you to access parts of your memory you have worked very hard to forget. My life started playing like a terrible 90's music CD on repeat in my head. The same tired song, the same chords, to the same beat, with similar angsty, depressed lyrics. I Instantly felt emotionally exhausted. I had become what myself and every other alcoholic said they would never become. I was the guy sitting at home in shorts, flip flops, and a wife beater, drinking alone. I couldn't control it. My bargaining had not worked. My will power had failed me. My theories on how it worked and what I could do to manage were just misguided and delusional ideas in place to keep me safely in a position where I didn't have to accept responsibility or actually do anything about the problem. Holy shit, I'm an alcoholic. Not the funny, social, carefree kind. I was the dark, sick, and dying kind. I was on the tight rope. One slip and my life would be in shambles. I don't have much but I have enough that I don't want to lose it. Fuck man, how have I gotten away with it this far? Fear, guilt, disgust and impending doom hit me like a ten ton hammer. I thought "I can't keep doing this. Something is going to happen. Something terrible." This is typical for hangover days, but this time it really weighed on me. It was choking me. I couldn't breath.  Every horrific scenario of my drunken future starting playing out like a movie in my head. It was like the Ghosts of Drunk Past, Present, and Future were visiting. I was Ebeneezer Screwed man!

Now at this point, I'd like to say that gentle voice came to me and gave me some hope or a message or something but that didn't happen. More than anything fear and confusion set in. What the fuck was I gonna do? What now? I can't keep the beast on a leash forever. I need help. What the fuck do I do?

As I scrolled through ideas, my alcoholic brain would discard them into trash bins labeled pride, ignorance, fear, and delusion. Things seemed hopeless. I was trapped, cursed, and doomed to a life of extreme ups and downs. Dark, staggering, drunken bouts wallowing in my own shit and the powerful recoil of hangovers. The only good news is that I really didn't think my mind or body could handle it long and I could just let it kill me. Fucking grim man. I was trapped in a dark hole and the only tools I would allow myself to use was alcohol and pills.

The day after, the hangover lingered. With age my body and minds resilience isn't what it used to be so the effects of a good bender could last for days after. My mind was cloudy and I felt like that stick figure in a Zoloft commercial. My body was still misfiring, and my blood sugar was completely out of whack. So I continued to mull over my options with what little clarity was coming back to me. "I have to make some kind of move." I told myself. Despite my best efforts, things were not changing. Medication, counseling, bargaining, and moderation do not work.

5 days later, on my day off, I found myself scared out of my mind sitting outside dusty building in a business park that had seen better days. You could tell this was cheap set up territory for start ups. There weren't many cars in the parking lot. Soon enough a few cars started rolling in and people started filling into the suite I had written down on a post-it. I guess it was time to take a huge step. I walked into a stuffy room full of a variety of folks from young to old, ragged, to business casual. I found the seat in the furthest corner I could and sat down. After some time they asked a moment of silence then started the serenity prayer. A topic was read and the floor was open. This was it. This was the first step. It's now or never. "Make this work Preston."

During what seemed like an eternal long awkward silence, I raised my hand...

"My name is Preston. I'm an alcoholic..."

Today is 44 days sober. That is the longest I have been without alcohol in 15 years. I can say that in this process, one of the most profound things that has happened is spiritual. That part is still pretty rocky and a deeply personal part of my recovery, so I don't think I am ready to share that subject just yet. I know there are people with different opinions on this, and honestly, unless it's supportive, I don't really care what you have to say. This road is hard, but I am grateful to be on it. I finally feel like I am moving forward and might actually do something with myself.

If you are going through this too, keep up the fight. It's hard and can seem impossible like driving a spaghetti noodle into concrete, but it can happen. You just have to find your way. I'm always up to a good conversation if needed.

For all of you that read this, I am grateful you care enough to do so.

The best is yet to come.

Thanks.

Dialing For Dollars; The Call Center Hustle

I have sat down to write this a few times and keep finding myself rambling on and on to the point I even bored myself. But, I have really wanted to get this out for awhile now. I was over thinking it and decided to make it simple.

Disclaimer: This is a post about call centers and sales jobs. This is in no way a shot at honest people that get up everyday and do what they have to do to provide for themselves and their families. This is however a look into the nature of the business and if you take offense, maybe you should reevaluate what you are doing.


When I was younger back home in east Texas, most of my friends, my girlfriend, and everyone else I know were clambering for a position with Winning Strategies. Jobs were few there and this proved a viable option to make decent money for the area. No experience necessary. All you had to do was call senior citizens all day and scare the piss out of them about what would happen to their estate after they had passed. The upside was that you got to promise them a free meal at the local buffet house. It was a grim conversation to have and you had to just call them out of nowhere and bring this up. This was my first experience with call centers and the first time to wear the hat of the dreaded telemarketer.

Some years later, moving to Austin, these jobs are plentiful and pay well. Again, no experience necessary and lack of a conscious preferred. Through a friend I found myself in a commission only pit of money hungry misplaced people like myself, and it starts there.

1. Swift Rock Financial / Clear Your Debt LLC

The job was to call through leads of people that were in massive credit card debt and offer them a solution called debt settlement. Most of these folks had mortgages that were adjusting and shooting through the roof and living off credit cards to the point they were insolvent. Most of these folks were in an tight spot and looking for any answer they could without declaring bankruptcy. We would tell them they could turn over there debt situation to us, put money in a savings account, and we would negotiate the debt to settle for pennies on the dollar. We charged 15% of the total debt. We gave them hope that they could just pay a portion of what was due every month and we would have them out of debt within 3 years or less.

Pros: There were none. This was a completely made up program and rarely did the credit card companies negotiate. Most clients spent thousands with no results.

Cons: People put complete faith in us and our sales pitch to rid them of crippling debt but for most people this was never done. They bought our finely crafted sales pitch and we had an answer for any disbelief. Most of the people that worked there were out of their minds on drugs or booze and these animals were telling people to make one of the biggest decisions they would ever make. Our VP of Sales Jordan Lane made sure to sell us every morning and made sure to only hire the naive or people too smart for their own good. I know for a fact this guy would do blow until his head was ready to explode. People ended up worse off than when they started, sued, and bankrupt having wasted thousands of dollars. Millions of dollars went to Jordan and the founder Darin Scott. The only redeeming part I can feel is that most of sales people never got paid. Finally, most states have caught on this is not even legal practice. The company has changed its name several times to avoid trouble. A class action lawsuit by employees and multiple ripped off clients have been filed and won. The founder hasn't really gotten any punishment for what he did. Money, even if stolen, can get you out of anything. You can google both of those names and you'll see statements and news stories backing up what I am saying here. It was probably the most evil place I worked so far.


2. Legal Zoom / LegalZoom.com

You've seen the commercials on TV. They put the law on your side! They make what can be a lengthy and expensive process with a lawyer much more affordable and easy. This much is true. If you are doing estate planning, setting up a business, or just need some legal type documents, you can get them there for a fraction of the cost of going to an attorney. I think this part of what they do is helpful and great. Of course most of these are just stock documents and not necessarily overseen by attorneys but most people get good results. Not a bad product if you really pay attention to what you are buying. But you have to really read the terms and conditions you accept because they can't just let you off the hook with purchasing a product and being on your way.

Pros: Instead of paying an attorney and ungodly amount of money for a slow painful process of setting up your business or putting together a will, you can go to LegalZoom and have it done quickly and for much less. Most of the documents and mass produced and really shouldn't cost so much from an attorney so I think overall what they offer is helpful and a great product.

Cons: First and foremost the people you are talking to are extensively trained and very careful not to commit UPL,(Unlicensed Practice of Law), but they are just phone jockeys. People like me, with tattoos, no real education, and just trying to squeeze out any dollar they can for needless services or products. That's just the nature of the call center though. The problem is that someone serious about starting a business probably shouldn't be listening to a call center agent that has never started a business. If they have, obviously it didn't go well because now they are being micromanaged and tied to a cubicle with a headset. They speak if hypotheticals and have no real basis. They just know the questions to ask to back you in  a corner, courtesy of they on going sales training with Griffin Hill. Second, when you do purchase a document of set up your business, obviously you are advised to purchase the mega-package to expedite the service and get all the bells and whistles. Here's where the con, in both meanings of the word comes in. When you do that, you are automatically enrolled in an ongoing service at 14.99 or 29.99 a month. You are told this is a 30 Day trial to test it out and see if its helpful. You get unlimited 30 minute consultations with attorneys in your state about and NEW questions. You can't ask the same question twice. You get document review, and some other things. Is this helpful? Yes. Why is it bad? Because they don't tell you that if you don't opt out, you will continue to be charged that amount indefinitely.  This part of the sales process is generally skipped. Sales agents readily admit they skip it because they are afraid if will kill the sale. I worked in retention. This department was specifically for people calling in to cancel. I was to through them a million hypothetical situations that they may run across, and try to retain them. It was brutal. People would call in because they never knew they were even enrolled and had been charged for months and sometimes years without their knowledge. LegalZoom did not at that time email or mail out monthly statements, check up on people that never used it, or even recommend they use it. This was especially disturbing because troops going overseas would call to get their affairs in order only to return home to realize they had been charged hundreds of dollars while they were gone without their knowledge. Senior citizens would call in noticing their accounts had been overdrawn due to the phantom payment and be harassed or scared into keeping the service. Sometimes this payment would be the difference in them being able to get their medications or doing without. LegalZoom didn't really care as long as they had that recurring monthly revenue. Here's the trick though, they would be told they could cancel and they could refund them the most recent payment but no more. The truth is, they could be refunded all of the payments in most cases. So the agents would blatantly LIE on the phone when someone asked for a refund. It would be good product if they proactively sold it, but instead they sneak it in the fine print, hastily have you look over it, and take you money until you notice, then give you a hard time about getting it back. It's a scam. Most clients that used the service were often brushed off with no help unless the opted to purchase more time with the attorney. I know this because myself and a family member used it. It was useless. If you start a business or are doing estate planning, you should be thoroughly reading every piece of paper or online terms and conditions you come across. It's just stupid not to. LegalZoom knows people won't do that, and take full advantage. Started by lawyers, and run like it. I quit working there because of the ethical implications of the job. Most people there just over looked it, and told me it wasn't for me. Good riddance.

3.  Time Warner Cable

We all know who these guys are. They are a typical cable company and what they sell in the grand scheme of things is a luxury. Get your tv fix, phone and internet all bundled together to save more! haha

Pros: This is truly an American company. Time Warner Cable there to set you up for all your home entertainment needs. It's on par with every other company and they don't lock you into a contract. It's a decent paying job and they do offer good benefits.

Cons: There is a reason that if you research this company online they have some of the worst customer service reviews. Training was a fiasco from day one. They hire hoodlums and nare-do-wells. No experience necessary or really wanted. They need people that have never made very much money so they can keep them. There is a definite common denominator of the people they employ. Most of the training is spent drawing on paper and playing silly games. It was ridiculous and I felt like a complete idiot everyday I was in training. They micomanage to the point they will give you a print out of how many times you got up to piss during the day. Oh well though, its a job and thats how it goes. Some people are built for that, but there is a reason they have the reviews they have. The initial sales process is just like anywhere else, they bundle you in the best package for what you are looking for, try to up sell you, and so on. Thats typical. I think no contract is a good thing too. The flipside to no contract is that your initial pricing at some point will expire and your bill will go up. At this point most people call to cancel and go with another company, so you are sent to the retention department. In the retention department you are instructed to tell the people they are in the best plan possible and that the retail cost for what they have is much higher. This is a lie. With a little more push back, they can offer all kinds of discounts and give you much better pricing. They just want you to fight for it. They will start by telling you there is nothing they can do, then offer to apply a slight discount, then with a lot of fight, they can magically drastically reduce the bill to a reasonable rate. They will tell you the prices you see online or on television are only for new customers or only available if you order online. This is a lie too.  Weird how that works. Agents are paid based on how high there recurring monthly revenue they retain. This means their bonus/commission will suffer if they give you a discount. So in turn, they will tell you anything they can to keep from applying any discount to help you. This includes flat out lying to a customer. Lying certainly isn't encouraged but it's definitely overlooked. They tell people if they cancel a portion of the bundle, like the phone, the bill will go up. This is a lie. The job is to sit and lie to people all day to keep them at the highest monthly rate you can. Again this put me in an ethical quandary and I couldn't do it. Almost immediately after starting I had to start looking for something else. If you have them and notice your bill start going up, call them and demand the best price. They can discount you equipment and offer several other things. Unfortunately you have to play the game and threaten to cancel and you will probably be transferred a million times.


This is the honest truth about some of the most dishonest places I have ever worked for. Call centers can be cesspools. Some people are there to make an honest living but most are people that don't want to do anything of service to the planet so they hide there and trade their integrity for a hefty commissions. It's not for me.

The Fat People Dance to Better Self Images

We all know Facebook is the new bumper sticker. A place you passive agressively post cute pictures that express how you feel and what you believe. We are activists bringing down South African warlords, advocates for civil rights, political campaigners, all from the safety of our smart phone and on our lunch break. I will save most of those topics for another time. It's been awhile since I have posted something and I don't want to dive in the deep end just yet. I just want to get in waist high and let me fruity plums plums adjust to the water. I want to broach a subject a bit lighter...fat people. Wait...what? You know what I'm saying.

Anyway, facebook has also become a new safer place for the overweight to live and thrive and express through awkward memes of naked tubbys holding signs, that being fat is ok. Now first let me show some credentials. Talking about fat people is like my "N" word...Its safe if I say it. I have never been in shape and currently reside at a hefty 250lbs. I am 30 years old and should probably start working on that but...I don't. I blame no one...it's all me and I need no special consideration for my spare tire. I think fat jokes are funny but I don't spend a lot of time obsessing over it...obviously.

The thing that is driving me nuts, is that America is the fattest nation on the planet. Go to any mall or amusement park here in the Great States and you can witness herds of stampeding buffalo ass, mountains of cellulite, and thousands of greasy fingers stuffing thousands of bloated faces full of sweetened fried goods. You can almost smell the heart disease. Of course none of this is our fault. This is a country that thinks being overwieght isn't a choice but being gay is. It's all marketing and subliminal messages telling us to do this to ourselves. It's the goverments fault for allowing us to eat like swine instead of tasering us everytime we look at twinkie. We really have it rough.

  So now the cool thing to do since we are all stricken with something like this and can't control it, we get to make excuses for it. Now we compare pictures of Marilyn Monroe to Nicole Richie. Then we say real women look like Marilyn Monroe and women like Nicole Richie are sickly. In my opinion, Nicole Richie has looked pretty sickly, but I don't know if I am going to jump on the band wagon with the woman that overdosed on pills either. It's pretty funny that we have to show such a drastic comparison in women. Is that our only choices?

Another one of the pictures shows Ms. Tubbybutt holding a sign saying "If size 2 is beautiful, then size 22 must be glorious!" Haha, no bish. That's incorrect. This is the kind of girl that meets her husband while participating in a jailhouse pen pal program.

  Here's how I look at it. Most of us are drawn to and more attracted to the smaller sizes because lets face it...they are hot. We aren't programmed to think that, they just are. One of the hottest things about them is that we know we'll never have to wait on them to complete four rounds around the Golden Corral buffet. Also, it's just attractive to see a person eating right and working out and taking a little pride in themselves. I think if anything, the healthy people out there are the ones being over looked.

 God forbid we look at reasonable examples of health and beauty to make these nonsense comparisons. It's hilarious. Look, if you're going to be a lazy tub-o-goo, don't try to embrace it by comparing yourself to other unhealthy people. Take a look at some positive examples and make the comparison. If at that point you still feel "fabulous" then rock on Tundra! Chances are without looking at other unhealthy people on the exact opposite side of the spectrum, you can't justify it. So, shut up.