6 Months...6 Songs

It really seems like it's only been a few weeks. I can't believe half a year has gone by since I decided to put down the booze and move on with my life. It certainly has not been easy, but it has been extremely rewarding.

Just like anything else in my life, there are certain songs I have latched onto during this process that have really spoken to me and given me strength when my willpower was at it's failure point. These songs really say it all about how I feel and what it's been like so far.

This is just the progress on the outside...

I have lost a ton of weight. I can sleep at night and more importantly, I can wake up in the morning. When I do wake up, the first thing I do before my feet even hit the floor is let God know how grateful I am. 

I can finally breathe. In more ways than one.

For the first time in 7 years I am 100% off any medication. No more anti-depressants or mood stabilizers. 

Things are good. 

Please enjoy the soundtrack to my sobriety and rebirth. Maybe these songs will speak to you too. I posted the version with the lyrics so you can really get where I am coming from. 

1. Blue October- Overweight

This song really goes out to my awesome girlfriend, friends, family, and God. Dealing with someone that is sick with addiction is hard. I have lost a lot of friendships because of it. Most people bail pretty quickly but there are people that have stood by me every step of the way. I am not at all strong enough to do this on my own. Everyday I am grateful I have these people and this song sums up exactly how I feel about them.

2.Survival- Eminem

When I decided to get sober and healthy, it wasn't because I was just tired, it was a matter of survival. My health was suffering, I was depressed, and wasn't sure how much longer I would make it. If I didn't end up in jail, I would have ended up dead. I thought about it a lot. I was going nowhere in terms of a career and became more introverted than ever. Whatever energy I had left, I mustered up, and did this for survival. 

3.Fear- Blue October

One of the hardest things for me was taking the first step and then the 2nd 3rd 4th and so on. I still struggle. One of the biggest struggles for me is fear. The addicted lifestyle was all I knew. Most of my relationships were based around drinking. I was terrified to let go. Somehow I felt safer in my self created hell. When I got the strength to reach up and ask God to help, it was one of scariest moments of my life. Fear is a motherfucker man. But I know now that I don't have to fall apart and people love me without playing the cartoon character I was before. This song made me cry the first time I heard it because it rang so true.

4. Shackled and Drawn - Bruce Springsteen

This song reminded me that I am still a man and I still have responsibilities. It tells me that as long as you are working it is hard to fuck up. Problems will always be here, but I have to man up, face them, deal with them, and keep moving forward. Alcohol made me feel like less of a man, but that is certainly not the case anymore.

5. Not Afraid - Eminem

Haha, you had to know this one was coming. This is a powerful song when it comes to recovery. When I started going to meetings, I learned that I am not the only person going through this shit. I am not alone in this fight. It also reminds me to be of service to people that need it and want it. Again, fear is one the biggest obstacles to overcome in all aspects of recovery. I can say now, that although I have a long road ahead of me, I am not afraid of what is around the next corner. I feel stronger than ever right now.

6. Indestructible- Disturbed

7 or 8 years ago, with booze in hand, I tried to end it all. I tried taking myself out because I couldn't take it anymore. I survived that but just kept medicated with beer for all the long long years to come. I was the darkest time of my life. I could not face the terror of my childhood, the problems I had right in front of me, or the challenges the future would hold. I didnt feel like I deserved any thing good in my life and I destroyed anything that I came across. Now, 6 months into this long journey, I look back and see that the booze, horrible enemies and even worse friends could not break me. Somewhere inside me was a strength keeping me going. Now I can walk with my head high and I know I am real motherfucker is someone tries to take my happiness away. My life has been a battle but so far...I am indestructible.

Thanks to all of you that love me and put up with my shit. 

Rock!

.........................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................Keep going.....................................There is more.......................................................

SECRET SONG! Remember those? haha...

This last song is there as a reminder that the only way I can move forward is to keep a crisp picture of the past. Sometimes I have to feel the pain, and taste the horrible taste of my past. It keeps me motivated. If you can't remember how hot the fire is, you are destined to burn yourself again. I will remember before I forget.

Slipknot- Before I Forget

An Open Letter to the Criminals of Austin Texas

Dear Criminals,

This morning, I went to my truck to go to work. I immediately noticed I had been ransacked. My wallet was gone with a few other items. Not cool man. Not cool. I spent my morning with the police, the bank, and at the DMV. By noon I had this cleared up as best I can.

You charged several hundred dollars worth of gas and food by 9am. I guess you crack heads get an early start.

Well let me tell you a little about myself. Austin is my home now, since about 2008. I love it here. It is a wonderful town and the pros far out-weigh the cons. Pricks like you make it a little challenging at times. But I spend most of my time working to take care of myself and pay my bills and to give myself a good quality of life. I like spending time with my friends out on Townlake, at the Greenbelt, and I even do quite a bit of volunteering helping those that are less fortunate. I am a pretty decent fella. I am the average guy just trying to get by and leave the world a little better place than I found it.

But see, I am not from here. I am from a place that is much different and where I am from, we aren't as passive, forgiving, sympathetic, or tolerant of your kind. Where I come from, the people that work for a living don't have a lot of patience with the scum that don't want to. I brought these ideals with me to Austin. I know for the most part you are used to people giving you multiple chances and you can run free like little animals.

I just want you to know that I will use every legal resource and strategy to find you. I will press charges and push for you to be punished to the fullest extent of the law. I will not stop pressing the police to find you and I will lend a hand every way I can. I sincerely hope they find you.

I am no vigilante and I don't go around in search of crime to thwart. I mind my own business. I live my life. Like I said, I am all about fun and volunteering, giving back to the community. However, when you cross the line into my domain, all bets are off. Once this happens, you have crossed that cowardly barrier and you belong to me. I know you sneak around like a rodent, but you will get caught. If it is me that catches you, I hope you said your prayers that morning. I hope you kissed your children and told them you loved them. Because that will be the last bit of soft love you feel for a long time. Once you have given me the chance, on my own ground, I will destroy you. No matter your age, race, or the pettiness of your crime...my hammer will fall on you hard and just. I will do things to you that will give your children nightmares for the rest of their lives. You will leave my hands a broken disfigured mess. Everyday for the rest of your life when you look in the mirror, you will be devastated by the merciless scars that will face you back in the mirror. You will wonder why someone would do that to you over such a small infraction. Pain will be your constant companion. I will cripple every part of you including your image and state of mind.

Look to Jesus for forgiveness. You can come visit me for terrific pain.

You see, I think a person that will steal from a man that works for a living isn't even human. You are the lowest of the vermin. My humanity towards you stops when you take from someones livelihood and the things they have honestly worked for. No sympathy. No mercy. Not from me bud.

I just want you to know there are heavy handed people here in Austin and you get caught by one of them and your life will never be the same. You will wish for the vacation of jail time.

This is your fair warning from the average Joe. Take heed or suffer.

Regards,

A Zero Tolerance Citizen