10 Rules to The Hall Pass

Disclaimer: This blog entry is just for fun. The idea was spawned by recent articles I read while bored at work about fidelity and willpower. It in no reflects my intentions or anything negative about the current relationship I am in. It's just for fun. 

I typically look at most relationships with a pretty cynical eye. I see most of them as to unequally yolked people doing their best to make it work because they don't want to be lonely. Let's face it, most people will suffer great pains to avoid being alone. In our society we simply aren't cut out to be without someone else stealing the covers at night or saying they are hungry but declining all your ideas for dinner. Hollywood has taught us that there is magic in meeting someone and the love you feel in the first 6 months of a relationship is the same love you will feel for years to come. In the back of our minds we know this isn't true but we intrepidly move forward anyway. 

It is hard when most of the time people want to talk about the pains they are going through in the relationship but it's just disgusting when they talk about how good it is. Which brings me to a side note...If you relationship is really great, you probably wouldn't be posting on facebook about how great it is all the time. Constant Facebook posts of heartfelt hallmark expressions of love and kissing pictures are a true sign that something is amiss and we all know it. Just food for thought.

Since we know most people are settling to avoid certain solitude, we can also assume that when the new car smell wears off, people start doing some window shopping. Maybe some flirting with an ex sweetheart, co-worker, or just an overall scoundrel like flirting with everyone. Men are more prone to this feeling than women but women are far from being off the hook. Men try to do it on the sly and women have their "friendzone" safety guys to validate that they still "Have it". 

Most people have the self control and fight the urge and remain faithful to the bitter end. Whether or not that bitter end is until death do them part or a melodramatic break up with play by plays on social media for all to see. Some give in to the temptation as I did in previous relationships. Some people just need to take it a step too far and instead of handling things like they should...they cheat. There are many different kinds of cheating and we can get into those another day. 

But this is a modern society and we innovate. Far gone are the days of Mad Men where you can have your mistress in the city and your lovely wife at home in the burbs. Now it's all or nothing. Resist your primal urges, do not speak of them, repress these ideas OR cheat and fuck everything up. However some forward thinking folks have looked at the idea of a HALL PASS. The idea of letting ones partner cheat with immunity under a set of guidelines. This interests me. 

See we are not built in America to really let shit slide like that. There are swinger couples and open relationships and things like that, sure. Most of the time these are not super well adjusted people or attractive at all. The reality is that the average American my like the novelty of this idea but it would absolutely kill them to think that just for one night they do not own the genitalia of their partner. Whether their partner loves them dearly, would die for them, and will always be by their side, the thought of the physical act of sex with another human being is the ultimate betrayal. This is weird because in my mind, indifference or abuse would be way worse but that is not what the TV says so we have to put infidelity first. Does the idea that your partner is aware of the fling and there are rules put around change things? I mean, can someone truly overlook that? Lets assume for argument sake that someone can. What rules would there have to be to make this work? I have thought long and hard on these rules and have listed them below. Please enjoy.

Hall Pass Rules:

1. This is obvious and has to be rule #1. Use protection. I know we all prefer to go without it but that kind of humping has to be reserved for your significant other. You have worked hard to build the trust that the other person is disease free and not trying to get pregnant. Plus there has to be a barrier in the intimacy that only exists with you and your partner. Also..don't be gross.

2. The hall pass can not be used as a way to conquer an old crush. Really it can't be anyone you know or interact with on a regular basis. No old crushes, no coworkers, no friends. This will only breed resentment and weirdness. Trust me, I have been there. It's as awkward as farting at a funeral afterward. Also, conjuring up old feelings for a crush defeats the purpose of just being primal and getting some strange. Let it go. You have to find someone new. This will let you know you still have your abilities as a hunter and give you some release.

3.What's good for the goose is good for the gander. You know why guys are considered studs when they bang a lot of women but women are considered sluts if they do it? Because guys made the rules. Gentleman we are kings of the double standard. This does not apply here. If either partner is going to ask for this privilege, be ready to reciprocate. If you can't do that, then take what you are feeling and apply that to what your partner must be feeling at the same time.

4. A Hall Pass, like in middle school, cannot be abused. It is for rare occasion. My suggestion is maybe once a year, not around birthdays or holidays. You can agree on the time frame and date and then plan around it.

5. Location is everything. Don't shit where you eat. Just like not fucking someone you know or that is close to your circle of influence, it is best to take this shit out of town. Take a day trip if possible to another city do you hunting somewhere else. Do you have business trip or something coming up? If you don't go out of town, at least go far across the city. This is a one time thing that you don't want haunting you. Also, you aren't going to want to leave temptation facing an open door for round 2. Last, if this does blow up in your face, which it probably will, you don't want your partner having access to that poor soul caught up in your weird relationship shenanigans. 

6. One shot, one kill. After the agreed upon date, you have one chance to get this done. There are no redo's or second chances. Go out, get it done, get it over with. You have 24 hours. 

7. You must improvise. You cannot plan, strategize, or work on this any other time than the one day set aside for the Hall Pass. You can't go around flirting and courting up possible prospects all the time. This includes hook up websites. You have to live everyday but that day as a faithful partner, true to your love. When you go outside of that date, that is just cheating. This is a one night stand. You have to go out and use your skills and suave to get it done in one day. I am not sure what the policy on hookers is. So just like hunting, you can't cage your deer so that you can shoot it later. If you go out and blow it, too bad. You have no game and are lucky that you have someone at home that is willing to bang you occasionally. If you are not able to hook up with someone as hot or hotter than your partner, then you should be thankful that you have someone that is better looking than what you could get now. This part will probably be pretty humbling. If you don't care...Happy Hog Hunting!

8. You made your bed, lie in it. This rule is one that I am certain will not be followed. Once the deed is done, it cannot be talked about. This means that if you allow you partner to go out and do their thing, you don't get to ask questions after it is over. This also means you do not get to bring it up in later fights or arguments. You allowed it. Live with it. On the flipside, if your partner was so gracious/stupid to have let you do this, you cannot use it later for the upper hand in an argument or as ammo to hurt that person. This really just gets into not having a very good relationship in the first place.

9. Leave it alone. Once you have gone out and hooked up and done the one night pants carnival, you don't get to stay in contact with that person. There will be no friending on the Facespace or keeping of phone numbers. Remember that open door to temptation I talked about? That fucker will come back and hit you in the ass if you aren't careful. What's done is done. That's that. 

10. Respect. Respect that someone loves you enough to let you go out and get a little primal validation. Don't look at this as you window to a world of new opportunity. Chances are you will not find someone this cool if you leave. Look at what you have and use it to love your partner anymore and remember to give a little more effort next time you visit Poundtown together.

These are my rules the way that I see them. I obviously do not recommend seriously approaching this idea. In a previous relationship I did and it did not turn out well for anyone. We all have needs, urges, and freaky deakys need love too, but we have to face the fact that in our society, we are prudes and something like this is hard to pull off, let alone live with. If it does work out for you, let me know. Who knows? Maybe lightening the fuck up will help save some relationships.

What do Amway and the Ancient Egyptians Have in Common? They Both Built Pyramids.

Something happens when you are approaching the cliff that is your 30^th birthday. You suddenly realize you might not get to be a rock star or the president. Your 20’s are spent questioning every decision you should make for your future and your 30’s are spent questioning every decision you made in your 20’s. My 20’s were full of great ideas that I forgot after 48 hour binge drinking marathons. Now that’s over I can focus…a little…

Clarity is not a luxury I have had for a longtime so luckily there some cool people along the way to give me some advice and motivation. One thing I know I can do is run my mouth and take part in lively conversation, and debate. Realizing with most of these debates that the tables seem to tilt my way by the end, I was drawn into sales. Sometimes I hate it and never want to talk to another person again in my life, and sometimes I love it. That’s sales for ya.

I sell a product right now that I love, believe in, and think is the future of the planet. I love to talk about it to people that want to listen and I like getting my customers set up. It feels good to get paid to do something you enjoy. It is rewarding to do something you believe in. It also helps that I can work from home sometimes and not have to get dressed until 10am or when I start feeling guilty for being lazy.

For now I am in a good spot. But, back to the turning 30 thing…

We all hit that point where we realize the pics posted by former crushes go from cleavage clad sexy poses to driver seat selfies hiding gained weight, pictures of food, and the worst….10,000 pictures of kids. Priorities shift, people start having “favorite shows” on weeknights, and generally begin to suck. As if this isn’t already disappointing enough, the next wave of disappointment comes in a salesy business tone that you have never heard spoken from that person. Yup, I am talking about the Multilevel Marketing, Networking Marketing, whatever you wanna call it Marketing pitches. Things didn’t pan out at college, you don’t like what your degree is in, your trade school degree isn’t helping like the commercial said it would, or you just didn’t get an education…I don’t know. But now you have found the most American of American ways to make money…I mean, it only makes sense! You are the only thing holding you back! You just need the desire and drive and you are chocked full of that man! 

I mean, don’t get me wrong, I have reached out to a couple “advocates” or representatives participating in some of the programs. I have asked about product for a couple of things. Most times I couldn’t get through asking for something to give me some pep in the mornings before they would launch full on into a pitch about how I was perfect for selling this product and I should join their cult. As a sales professional, I have to give you some feedback, wait for me to finish talking before shoving your pitch down my throat. You don’t know my situation and you may be wasting your time or more importantly wasting mine. If you think about it, it is a pretty narcissistic way to live assuming everyone has 15 minutes to listen to you drone on about financial freedom and early retirement, whenever you decide to talk about it. Ease off the green tea extract buddy! Calm down.

Anyway, I get why you start listening to these pitches and why you invest your $500 to be the owner of your new home based business. I understand that the pictures on the brochures are exciting and that you may get a little boner or lady boner, whenever you are in one of those hotel ballroom conferences. It’s exciting stuff. I know because I was there.

When I was younger, I was madly in love with a beautiful girl and I wanted to marry her. At the time I believed she was probably the best I was going to do and needed to go ahead and lock this one down. Rookie mistake. So when her father asked what I was going to do to take care of his little girl, I said I was going to do what he did…Network Marketing. If this idiot asshole could do it, I certainly could too. Immediately his concern with our young age and my lack of a stable history in anything but playing in a band went out the window and he launched full throttle into getting me up to speed on how I would be retired by the time I was 30. He gave me the full run down on how things worked, there were conference calls, motel spectacles, and lots of books written by paid “third-parties” like Robert Kyosaki. That’s right, I had the Rich Dad / Poor Dad boxset and I was on my to making millions of dollars if I just believed! Then came Napoleon Hill, The Secret, Dale Carnegie, Stephen Covey, and the list goes on and on and on. Whatever, he was off my back and all I had to get people to do was buy some vitamins or want to sell some vitamins. I mean I got pretty easily sold, how hard could it be? I was a something something home based business diamond triad douchey mcsales guy for USANA!

Now in retrospect as a real sales professional, I see the error of my ways. First, while sales does not require any formal training, it should. Sales is a profession like anything else and not everyone can do it. I can’t believe my way into being an MMA fighter or playing the NBA. I know there are the hopeless that believe you can will your way into anything but you’re wrong so don’t start. Sales is one of those things. You may have some natural ability, but you have to hone the craft, have some coaching, and work really hard to get comfortable, let alone be any good at it. Then on the flip side, there are people that are just not sales people and it is painfully uncomfortable to listen to them try and sell. We are all given certain abilities and to say that everyone is born with the ability to sell is probably coming from someone trying to sell you something. Bottom line, I wasn’t going to take my 500 pound ogre of a brother that drives a truck and owns a trailer park in East Texas and change him into top notch sales professional. There is not enough time or magic in Neverland for that to ever happen.

That is the other thing that comes with these programs. You have just signed on to harass, alienate, and possibly rip off your circle of influence. Remember when you were in elementary school and they sent you home with magazines or candy and you had to sell about 10,000 bars of chocolate so you could win the TV, so you went to all your family members and friends and so on…this is the same business model. The only difference is that you are now 30 and the shit ain’t cute anymore. Also, the kids that always won in those programs were kids that probably already had their own TV because their family was well off, so they would by the 10k in chocolate bars and magazines between like 3 family members. My family on the other hand was too poor to do that so they went back to the hard work philosophy and said I should knock on doors. The bitch of that was that we lived in the country and had like 3 neighbors that always seemed to have dogs that bite.  The same principal happens here. You may sell a little to your ne’er do well relatives, but your more accomplished relatives are more likely to enable this and buy in…as a courtesy because they still think you are cute.

Next, you find your down and out friends that have buckets of problems, can’t hold jobs, drink too much, and are not even healthy, and try to get them to sell your HEALTH supplements too. Well the thought of not having a boss has already hooked your maverick friend, and he likes that sweet magnet you put on your car about that says “Fire Your Boss Today!” He would do that, but he was just fired yesterday for urinating in the Coke machine. You stroke the ego, have them fish whatever your initial investment charge is from the piggy banks and empty Crown Royal bottles and they are off! Now you are seeing small commissions coming in and your color code or rare gem status is rising in the ranks of this company! At the next motel conference room banana pants conference you will get a new pin and lots of pats on the back!

This is sales. That is true. But without integrity.

Here is why…

You are selling people a product that has a 90% fail rate. I don’t care how many ass holes you have watched jump around a stage with one of those Britney Spears microphones attached to his head saying that he went from riding the bus to a Ferrari in 2 years. The bottom line is that real stats show that over all, in your industry, more that 90% of people fail.  If I walked into Best Buy for a new TV and they told me about a TV that would fulfill my wildest dreams but there was a 90% chance it wouldn’t work, I’d probably go with the good ole LG or Sony. If you can’t honestly and upfront look at someone and tell them there is a huge chance that the money they are investing is going to be wasted, you are not being honest. Anyway you swing it, it’s lying. You place all of the responsibility on that person to put in the work but you don’t create an accurate picture of reality or what that work is. You can say that you care because their success is your success, but when you are lying to multiple people, the buffer room is built in for some people to fall off.

You cannot take someone with no formal training or inclination and make them a millionaire over night or even in 2 years in the field of sales. It is insulting to even say that to those of us that actually make our living that way. If you want to become a millionaire overnight, get your teenage daughter pregnant, get on tv and act like an asshole. This is America and that is the formula.

There are many many things people have to work through before becoming sales people and you don’t let people know that…you are misleading them. I have been rejected from sales jobs before because I wasn't a strong enough sales person to join that organization. A popular saying around your industry is that “If it was easy, everyone would be doing it.” Well then why the fuck are you telling everyone they can do it?

What you do isn’t real sales, it’s manipulation. BUT in your defense people are responsible for their own decisions and if they invest their money and lose it, hopefully they learn a lesson.

I have seen my share of strangers give moving speeches with scripted rhetoric and nonsense with the silly headset microphone. I have heard their stories and even read other peoples stories online. It was amazing because after all, everything you read online is true and a businesses wouldn't cook shit up just to make sales. I mean... come on...

I have been harassed, lectured, pep talked, and disowned by people in network marketing programs. I have been told I would be great and just needed to work harder and believe in myself, and I needed to want better things for myself and so on. Most of it is pretty insulting, but I consider the source of a desperate friend that got sucked into it and I let it go. Usually this happens within their first 6 months of involvement in said program. After that, I don’t really hear about it anymore…weird right? Maybe they had given up on me and moved on to more qualified "down-lines" and started making that residual magic money we hear so much about! Nope…usually those same people, when asked months later, either have nothing to say or talk around it. I have never seen someone I personally know make any real money doing it. If they say they did, they cannot prove it. And trust me, I ALWAYS ask. It’s my last word to a conversation that may have been had months ago where they left feeling like they owned me.

Now we are back at the success rate of your model that you will righteously sell without having even known the actual success rate for yourself. See when I sell my product, I have to discuss failure rates, real justified rates of return, and show actual numbers as proof to all of it. At the end of the day, I feel good knowing that I was up front and the person knew exactly what they were getting.

I know, I have beating you up pretty hard on the recruiting aspect of what you do and haven’t even mentioned the phenomenal, revolutionary, pioneering, lifesaving, money saving, incredible, products that you all sell. Well that’s because for the most part neither do you! The minute I ask about some supplements or whatever, you may give me a web link to follow but then you jump right into your recruiting pitch. So again, go back to your sales training and learn about process. Here are some examples of what I go through…

Me- “Man, I have the hardest time waking up in the morings.”

Salesperson- “You should try our all natural acai berry battery acid flavored penis oil powder.”

Me- “Oh that sounds interesting. What is it?

Salesperson- “Here is a link. You can order it from me or online with my code. You know you can get it cheaper if you sign on as an independent distributor. Do you have a minute to talk about an exciting opportunity that everyone is talking about?”

Or…

Me- “Man, losing weight is hard. I love cheeseburgers and pizza and eat like 6 year old.

SP-“ You should try our Mega Protein Breast Milk Extreme! Meal replacement powder and power bars.”

Me- No thanks, I like food as opposed to powder.

Sp- “ You don’t know what you are missing man. I know a guy that lost 100 pounds last week just doing a simple 20 day challenge and it changed it his life. It costs $400 but how much does being fat cost you in the long run?”

Me- “Well maybe…

SP-“ If I get you signed up as a Class 3 super diamond independent super distributor, in 6 months, you’ll get all this free and be making more money than you ever have. Do you have minute to talk….

Me- Runs away and jumps from window….

Most of the time the products are pretty good. I will give you that. Usana had supplements so good they would make you sick. Advocare, Herbalife, and so on, all have some decent stuff. I take supplements and if I could find a salesperson that wouldn't try to recruit me, I’d probably buy some stuff from them monthly. But maybe not either. Most of the time because it is a direct sale, it is extremely overpriced and again, there is no actual measurable proof to justify the extra expense incurred in buying your product over a less expensive brand that is easier to access. Showing me a study that your company paid for is not proof. That is marketing material. Know your shit.

Finally, for those of you that are pursuing one of these programs now, I really do wish the best of luck and I hope you can throw this back in my face along with your million dollar payday and tell me it works. If that happens, I’ll be the first to eat crow and publicly admit it. And the honest truth is that I don't wish failure on anyone. I still wouldn't sign up because I don’t have what it takes to be the kind of person you have to be to sell that stuff. For those of you thinking about joining, I urge you to reevaluate your life and find out if this is a desperate grab at a life raft. Also, do your research on this industry and the companies. Make sure what you are reading was not written or funded by the company and try to be objective. If you want to do it but aren't sure about sales, go get a part time job at a cold-call call center. They offer great training and it will let you know whether or not you have the chops for sales. If you can sell at one of those places for a short period of time, you will probably do OK. For those of you currently that have swallowed the pill, pun intended, please give me your best rebuttal to what I am saying and post it publicly. I would love to have this debate with you for people to see. Or avoid the debate and show proof of your success. Again, I said 90% failure and that does mean that there are  people out there doing great with this. Good for them. Keep on keeping on!

I am not trying to crush dreams or to be as you kids like to call it, a "hater". I am simply replying to the many many many advances from you that I have gotten. I feel it's fair that if you all are going to solicit me that I can reply back. At least I am doing on single forum and not invading your personal space.

To my friends that are involved. I love you just like I always have, I just don't want to talk about this. I want to talk about what we talked about when we became friends. Love you.