120 Days:Lessons Learned and Lethargy

120 Days deep inside a brand new adventure. I see it as an accomplishment but seriously, I think shit just got real. 

I am under no illusion that 15 years of boozing can be relinquished in a matter of a few months. I realize even a day is something to be grateful for and every day I wake with out the hangover guilties crawling all over my soul. True grit, humility, and trust in my higher power gets me through...but man it's a lot of fucking work folks. No kidding, it's like learning to walk all over again. 

I have to second guess most all of my first instincts. My internal compass is broken and often I get lost just sitting on my couch. 

I'm not sure people understand why it is that I put this out there. Most people think this a personal, dark matter not to be spoken about freely...well, when the fuck have I ever held back? The fact of the matter is that it keeps me honest. I can stay true to my constitution if I am help accountable publicly. Nothing would be more awkward than to have the conversation about why I made such a big deal about my sobriety, shouted it from the social media mountain tops, just to pick back up the filthy habit. Secondly, I know what it's like not to have a firm grasp on even what the first move is into recovery. I know the alienated feeling. Luckily for me I am not one to be confined by my social status and more often than not, I don't give a shit. Some people do not have that luxury and if they can read what I am putting out there and gives them their first intimation into sobriety, I am happy to have been at service. I do not however, air my business as a way of recruiting or to transition anyone over to the sober side of the street. Some people can drink. Some people can't. Not my business whether or not you are one way or the other. I'm the guy that fell from a sitting position, out of a chair, into a wall head-first at a karaoke bar after about 15 Miller High Lifes...I do not judge. Another valuable treasure posting all this to the world is that I can give a little understanding to my circle of influence about what I am going through. The first month or so people tip-toe around you like you have herpes on your eyelids. Where it is awesome that people care enough to go out of their way to accommodate me, it is a little disaffecting. Please, carry on as you were, I will be fine.

I have to say that the first couple of months are easy. This is the reverse of what I thought it would be. You get on that sober train like new girlfriend and ride it hard. You start telling everyone with great pride and resolve that your are not drinking. You stay hidden and keep yourself from risky situations. You start making plans with your new found sober life, you read, you watch TV. The meaning of songs change and your view becomes a bit more clear...or so you think. On the flipside of that, I genuinely believe that the real work is just starting. Now that everyone is aware and I can silence the battle horns, now that I understand my limitations, meditate, and have the tools to deal with the urges or cravings...now I have to work. Funny shit. See the problem is that once that honeymoon with sobriety calms down, you look around and realize that you have to get on with life. You have to get off your couch, stop hiding, and do something. Since my nature was to always make plans centered around drinking, I am currently in a reconstruction of my social and active life. Sure, I can go hang out with the gang and drink water. I have done it. It was just as much fun and I laughed and joked just like I did when I was drinking. But now those glorious Sundays that seem like they were meant for sitting on a patio and having a mimosa, those have to become something else entirely. It's really easy for the brain to lock up when and the body to shut down when you can't figure out what the fuck you are supposed to do. I mean sitting on the couch in front of the TV is 10 times better than giving in and actually going and having the drink but it's also reeeeeeeeeeeeeeaaaaaalllly fucking boring. You also have to learn to do a lot of shit by yourself and that is not always the most fun. 

So far I have enjoyed all the folks that have pulled my girlfriend aside to inquire as to how she deals with it. haha I can speak for both of us when I say it's working well. She hasn't had to drive me home rambling about politics and the standard of social America while speaking in cursive and trying to hold back my vomit. I don't tell her what she can and can't do either. She is her own person and carry on as she likes. My sobriety is my own. 

The point I am at now is just making sense of the real world without alcohol. I don't really have any more excuses to not press on and make something of myself. Alcohol was my crutch and excuse for everything and often times even used in my apologies for my more criminal antics. Again, I don't think that 4 months against 15 years is anything I have to get on myself too hard about, but I do have to combat the boredom and would be nice to use all this new found energy to drop some weight and go on some voyages. Not to mention the fact that when I did the math, I have saved over $2000 from keeping it dry! Holy shit. I have paid some bartenders bills man. 

There is a lot of work I have put into this but honestly it was coming to terms and communicating with my higher power that has helped. That is some AA verbiagef for ya there. I didn't really think I had one and if I did, I didn't think he was too happy with me anyway. This concept took some getting used to and some awkward tries at meditation and prayer. Just a note, if you are the kind of person to argue this, you can put your opinion in your ass. I am not really at the point I would dare try to convert anyone, seeing as I have a hard time with it myself...But I am certainly not anywhere near giving a shit what you think about my process. 

I do have to say that I am grateful everyday. I am grateful for my wonderful friends and all the encouragement I get from reader and acquaintances. This could be a harder road if I had ever allowed myself to be surrounded by shitty people, but I think I have made some good draft picks in the FriendFL. (<---- all="" are="" at="" be="" came="" can="" div="" encouraging="" even="" going="" honest="" i="" if="" just="" least="" nbsp="" of="" or="" out="" put="" read="" take="" that.="" that="" the="" there="" think="" time="" to="" up="" what="" with="" you.="" you="">

Ok...enough of this serious talk...I will go work on something sarcastic and droll. 

Thanks for reading.  

Craigslist Ad for Sidekick/PA

 Looking for Sidekick/PA Until College is Over (east austin)

© craigslist - Map data © OpenStreetMap

January has given me a void to fill. Now that I am over the excitement of my new toys from Christmas and finished Dexter on Netflix...I have run out of things to do. This would typically be the time I peel myself off of the couch and hit the mean skreets of Austin looking for adventure. I don't necessarily have anything stopping me, but my sidekick...Let's just call her "Daisy"...has decided to desert me for stupid college again. Summers and Holidays are great but when the semester starts she gets all selfish and decides she has to study and be an all around douche. But it's whatever...I will keep on trucking....possibly with you riding shotgun on this Big Rig of Fun!!!!!

First lets get some requirements out of the way...

You have to be female. Bro's I know this should be equal opportunity but hanging with chicks is usually more fun. Plus chicks are cuter and easier to lift into windows in case we decide to do any crime. Also most of my ghost hunting is more successful when I have a female offerings to perverted dead ghost dudes.

Ladies...this is not a sexual gig...I have a girlfriend that works very hard and it usually is just easier if she doesn't have to participate in these adventures. Also she does not like ghosts.

You must be attractive. Uglier women tend to be distracting as you cannot tell if they just look a certain way or if they are angry or need to be fed.

You must like Heavy Metal music, Classic Rock, and Snickers Bars.

Dancing skills are pretty helpful in case we meet some bitch girls or dudes that challenge us to a dance off to defend our rep.

Singing skills would be great just so we can harmonize.

It's helpful if you are short...my shoes come untied and often when I bend to tie them my crack shows and that can be embarrassing for both of us.

You must also know how to tie shoes.

This was not "Daisy's" strong suit as they would come untied again...often...and she would have to start the process over again.

No Gamers. I am terrible at video games and do not want to hear you tell me about them for hours and hours. I don't care how long it took you to beat it.

Strong preferred if you have big boobs in the event of a swimming accident.

Having a car would be a step up. But not too nice of one and then we have to take your car everywhere but you drive like an asshole and then we argue and then I have start this whole thing over again. I am thinking about the long term here.

I have a bike. If you have a bike...we can rock the Greenbelt or practice wheeleys at Auditorium shores so as people will know we are awesome.

Must have a decent pair of sunglasses and look cool as shit with them on. A photo will be required.

Must love dogs. If you are not a dog person, don't even respond. Go back to blowing Satan or whatever you people do.

You have to make a happy plate. I like to eat delicious food stuffs riddled with hearty red meat and burgers the size of your head. I need you to be able to keep on this and not embarrass me in front of everyone at hopdoddy when you can't finish your Terilinqua.

Must like hopdoddy.

Karate skills are not required but we will get plenty of practice in case Johnny and those assholes from Cobra Kai show up again.

Non drinker preferred, light drinker is ok. You are my sidekick and I don't want to have to carry you out of places or listen to why you can't seem to find a good guy while picking pieces of puke from your hair. (Daisy is a non-drinker.)

Finally, this is just a short-term gig unless you have what it takes! One Daisy could come back and shit could get pretty awkward when you're trying to ride shotgun but she just ASSUMES she can ride shotgun and then a pistol comes out.

Also please do not be a gun carrier.

A photo will be required. Please reply to the email with one.
You must be up to date on all your shots and not have any physical quirks that might be hard for me to over look and then I have to pretend all day like one of your eyes isn't mad at the rest of your face.

Looking for someone to start ASAP...I almost done with all the seasons of The Office on Netflix and shit is about to get real.

Thanks and Godspeed.

(This is a non-paying gig in terms of actual cash. But some of the richest people I know are the ones with the most friends. Strangely enough the people with lots of friends always have cash too...weird...Well, then you'll be on your way...)

• Location: east austin
• do NOT contact me with unsolicited services or offers
• Compensation: no pay

The Douche Bag List: Knowing is the first Step in Protection

For some, the world today doesn't require a lot of time toward things really essential to our existence as it did years ago. For some, the money they earn doesn't always go toward essentials like retirement planning or education. No, no, now it can go towards loud exhaust on tiny cars and shoes that go nicely with douchetastic shirts that say "Keep Calm and Fist Pump On".

We are no longer a nation of hero types or role models. The current generation is an aching hangover of 90's kids that refused to grow up and their younger siblings fiendish consumerism. We don't admire athletes, we worship them. We don't look up astronauts, our new heroes are the seedy rich loser type that exist on a different planet on our televisions and transmit to frontal lobes in the form of reality TV. Best case scenario is that it's sad, reality is that it's scary. We are plumping up and dumbing down...We can only hope for the end or a revolution of minds.

With that being said, there are a lot of stand outs that we encounter everyday. Their small, annoying, and thoughtless actions give you a deep look into their nonsensical existence. In only a brief second, you can see how this creature lives their whole lives. The pestering insects of the human race...The Douche Bag.

This is my list notables...

1. Vegans-

You know how to tell if you have a vegan over for dinner? ---Because they will fucking tell you!
A vegan will go into a self righteous, well rehearsed monologue about how and why they became vegan. It ranges from the cruel treatment of animals to cow farts destroying the ozone. The will let you know the adversity they live with and how it was hard at first...but now it's not so bad. Worst part about this? I DIDN'T FUCKING ASK! The other part is that they feel because they are on this holy quest to save the planet from industrialized animal flatulence, that everyone need make special accommodations for them where ever and whenever they decide. Hey asshole! If you don't want what the rest of us are having, go home! Make a salad and shove a cucumber in your bum-bum because we are tired of hearing it. I don't know what your policy is on having a leather boot in your ass but you are going to have to decide if you don't shut up.

2. The Uber Health Conscious Liberal Type...that smokes...

You know these people. You mention you have a hankering for Taco Bell or want to throw down on some Jack in the Box and they curl their lip and look down at you as if you just asked to watch them take a dump. These people too always have a lot to say...even when you don't ask. They make sure you know they buy over priced groceries, organic, and local! The give you recipes and ideas to cleanse your body of all the poison that corporate food chains are making you eat against your will. The funny part is, most of this comes out over a cigarette and booze. ALMOST ALL OF THESE PEOPLE SMOKE CIGARETTES! So you can lecture me on eating some tasty quick service while you puff down on something proven to kill you? You get to make an exception? I could probably eat Big Macs everyday and not get lung cancer you hypocritical fuck head. So before you start a lecture on things you read from the Huffington Post or on NPR, take that fuckin cigarette out of your mouth. Go get in shape and be the sterling example of health you need to be before you lecture me about what I put in my body.

3. Bumper Sticker People

Can you think of a more passive aggressive way to tell the world what you are thinking? Come on. Your bumper sticker has never convinced me of anything besides the fact that you are a douche bag with no back bone to actually make a stand for things you believe in. The back of your car looks like a musicians guitar case but with really stupid slogans. "COEXIST" - Uh no...I like not liking some people because it's fucking funny. Political stickers are the worst. So you are going to convince me, at 70 miles per hour that Obama was "One Big Ass Mistake America"? It's not working. I just know that you have stupid priorities. The little stick figure families are just awkward...What happens when the dad leaves? And he will. Why wouldn't he leave a crazy bitch that puts stick figures of her family on the back of her car? Lastly, if you have racing or performance stickers on your car, but you do not have racing or performance parts on your car, please drive that car off a bridge.

4. Always Wearing a Bluetooth Guy...or Girl

Some how I feel like this technology should not still be a fashion statement. Don't get me wrong, they are great for driving or while at work. However, walking through the fucking grocery store with one on your head and no one on the end of the line just makes you look like an asshat with no friends. Those are for essential use only, not for making you look like you are about to get the big call while you pick out a frozen dinner before you go home and beat off to Animal Planet. Get with it people, put the fucking things in your pocket. Or keep wearing them so your Doucheness won't be camouflaged. These guys usually are the same guys from #5...

5. Wears Sunglasses Inside Person

Ok, do we still have to have this conversation? I mean really? Are the halogens blinding you? Or do you think some chick is going to come up and ask you for an autograph? I am sure you were MVP on your slow pitch softball team but that hardly makes you a rock star. Take them off asshole. When you combine #4 and #5 you get Douchetron.

6. Any guy that wears a scarf ever.

Self explanatory

7. Guy that Leaves Radio Blaring when Parked at Gas Station

Honestly I think think it should be legal to pepper spray these people at will. Ladies you are lucky because you rarely do this. When you actually do it, I just assume it's your boyfriends car and you don't know how to turn the radio off. This is almost exclusively black guys too. Before you cry racism, think about it, and you know I am right. Being a douche transcends all race but I have to include this fact for educational purposes. It's always the worst rap song you've ever heard and is only drown out by the massive truck rattle happening. Do you need theme music to go in and buy a gatorade and some skittles? Has anyone ever really walked you to you and asked what song you were playing because they wan't to buy it? The truth is, from what I can gather, that these songs are usually about big money and getting pussy and being from what I can guess a pretty successful gangsta. But from the looks of that piece of shit you are driving and your spinning hubcaps...that's really not the soundtrack of your life. Turn it down asshole or get some custom plates that just say DOUCHE so we can see ya coming.

8. Boob Shirt Girl That Wants to be Respected

You have giant boobs. Glorious wonderful boobs. I applaud you for letting them breath and be free in the sunshine. You are a hero in my book and keep up the public service young lady. Take care of your wonderful love pillows. But, you can't honestly put on that shirt with the low neckline, that fits tight, hugging the twins oh so perfectly and not expect a man to look. We don't even have control over it. Our heads just turn that way like the magnetic pull of the core of the planet on a compass we know true north and it is atop your Rocky Mountains. Unless you are some kind of heartless sadist that wants to instigate some trouble, you have to over look the looks. I tried hard to keep this off the list because I appreciate the unspoken work you are doing, but too many chicks complain about getting gawked while "minding their own business". Maybe you did just want to go to the mall and pick up a couple of things but your num-nums caused a scene and that is your fault. Let the people look or cover 'em up. Please do not make me add yoga pants to this list. Yoga pants may one day be the cause of world peace.

9. Affliction/MMA Shirt Guy

So I noticed you are in moderate shape, you are genius with the hair gel, and all of your jeans have flaps over the back pockets...but what does that shirt say? Tap Out? Tap out of what? Are you tapped out of personality? And what affliction do you have? Do you have an affliction that causes you to shave your legs and suck a lot of dick? Once these guys have made the decent into douchebag oblivion there is really not limit to the amount of douche bag violations they may incur in just one night out at the douchiest bar in town. It will range from the sunglasses inside at night to wearing so much designer cologne they could could catch fire. These are the same guys that go to strip clubs hoping to find a girlfriend and work out in front of the mirror at the gym. I could go on and on about thee guys but I won't. If I even need any help on shaving a pussy, I know who to ask.

10. Grown men that listen to Drake or the like...
'Nuff Said...

11. People that end everything with "Just Sayin"
I know you're "just sayin" it, I had to sit listen to your stupid ass. Is that really necessary? Most of the time that statement is preceded by something really stupid.

12. People from other States that Live in Texas but talk shit about living here...

Last I checked, we are not under any sort of martial law that will not allow you to cross borders within the country and move back to whatever proud American state or city you are so in love with. You can pack your car, hit I-35 or Hwy 10 and be out of here in no time. Why the fuck would you stay here if you hate it and hate the people so much? We certainly aren't keeping you here. You can always move back to a state that we make fun of. I mean you are grown and able...get the fuck out...

13. Women that are trying to rewrite the rules...

I have been inundated with internet posts about "Real men prefer curves over sticks" and pictures of Marilyn Monroe with quotes about inner beauty...oh my goodness it goes on for days. I hypothesize this movement started when some portly gal named Tundra coined the phrase "a T-shirt and jeans" kinda gal. To address that one, that basically means you have given up. If you are a living the true definition of that label. There are some girls that will make a man a little stupid in the right jeans and t-shirt, but the girls that are using the phrase are not those girls...These are girls wearing mom jeans with a 12 inch zipper and t-shirt that says "Safeway Blood Drive 1998". These are the lost souls that no one wants to look at so they attempted to re-brand themselves into something more desirable. This did not work. Moving on to the girls used to be fat and are now "Curvy". Rebranding again...again unsuccessfully. I heard this one "Real men like steak, not just a bone"...No real men like whatever they fuck they want to like, typically this is not your frumpy ass. Also, there aren't just two extremes in this world. There is more than fat and skinny. There are just really hot chicks and while you are online posting memes about how someone should see the part of you filled with twinkies and ho-ho's, the inner you, those girls are out taking all the guys that don't want to date you. Grab a salad, hit a treadmill, maybe shed some of your heart disease and then maybe we'll talk. See I am not sure you understood the song. It's not an actual milkshake that brought all the boys to the yard. Lastly, stop using Marilyn Monroe as your shining example of womanhood. Most of the quotes you post are just made and she didn't say them. They are interchangeable to different female stars and you will fall for it because the rational part of your brain is filled with angst and candy. She was pretty much a slut and if she were in your group of friends, she'd be the one you talk shit about all the time because you heard she fucked her boss. Most importantly, she worked out, tried to be beautiful but ultimately killed herself by overdosing on pills...just a thought. Also, when we say curvy, we are thinking more along these lines...

Obviously there are many many more but there isn't much time. PLUS this is your opportunity to add your own by commenting below or on Facebook or twitter @prestontown

Is Homosexuality worse than Stupidity? God vs.God

I tried to avoid it but I have to do it. It has to be addressed.

Sometimes I wake up, eat my breakfast, brush my teeth, step out into the world with intentions of conquering the day. Carpe Fuckin Diem man. Then suddenly I feel like I am being surrounded by some army of subhuman imbreds and they are declaring war on anything reasonable. They take grenades to common sense only to be distracted by shiny colors and loud noises. This provides me a small window to retreat back to the safety of my home, sensibility, and quite possibly a good book.

Social media is like a museum for extreme feats of stupidity. It can actually be quite amazing. Most people fear a pending zombie apocalypse, well my friends, I believe it's already started. You can start your observation of the brain dead fiends on Facebook, twitter, and the sort. If you want a good up close look, I suggest the mall in any suburban area or head further out into the countryside where they roam free. It's a spectacle alright...a gross,  putrid, spectacle of the walking dead. Go see for yourself.

Here is a list of what I believe will be the main components in the nitwit atom bomb that will destroy America. Start digging your shelters and don't say I didn't warn you.

 I guess the glaring issue, eh, last week, was the whole Duck Dynasty, Phil Robertson, redneck outrage fiasco. First, the guy has every right to say what is on his mind. The constitution allows us that right now, and they I am sure allowing us to show how doltish we can be will always be overlooked. After all, we are a nation that will only quiet someone down when there is fear of someone losing money. I guess the main argument was that he shouldn't have been fired...well he was for a week. Then he came back. If you think he came back because A&E thought it was the right thing to do, or that your internet slacktivism had anything to do with it, you are an idiot. A&E knows that they would have lost money. They know that some of your hard earned Keystone money was going to them in the form of shirts, coozies, and other fad like items that you will most assuredly be hawking to someone else at a garage sale in 5 years. The only change you made was that someone knew they were about to lose more money by not having him on than by kicking him off. Plain and simple. You can go change your profile pictures back to what they were before.

The other argument for this guy is that he was standing up for what his religious beliefs...so lets talk about that for a minute.

He said he didn't understand what one man saw in another mans anus, likened the lifestyle to bestiality, and also made some incredibly racist comments about the Jim Crow Laws. For those of you that get your information from internet memes, I suggest looking up the actual interview. Have an adult help you if some of the words are too big.  Then came the legions of people saying, very tongue in cheek that they agree with him. Of course no one just came out and said they were against Gays, Gay Rights, or the lifestyle, because I am sure you couldn't remember or weren't sure if you had added any to your 1000 "friends" on Facebook. Although there were a few outlyers that were pretty vocal on their stances and backed it up with editorial Biblical references and little quips. So there it is...they are not defending the man, they are defending the God he believes in! They are coming to the aid of the supreme being that gave them life and all of their many fortunes!  So like a weapon they rip out the Holy text and start fire those words from Leviticus damning these people and all that support them. It was quite remarkable.

It made me wonder, all of these Biblical scholars here fighting all that is good, holy, and American, they must be following all of the other commandments, rules, and ancient statutes set by the Creator himself. I mean, it does say that a man can not lay with another man as he would a woman. So what about the rest of the antiquated laws and rules the Good Book teaches us? Shouldn't we be following those, blindly, out of context, and literally?

I mean there are a bunch and it can get difficult to keep up with. But, for all of you devout followers, this shouldn't be a problem. I will name a few, and since you are so devout, you will know where they are, I shouldn't have to give you the exact verse. Rest assured though, should you need it, this heathen is happen to give you an index.

Because if you are going to suppress a group of human beings, not treat them as equals, and damn them to eternal hell, you must be thinking for the for the greedy, drunkards, swindlers, and good old fashioned adulterers. I mean, we love a good adultery story...as long as it doesn't involve a man with another man.

Seriously, lets keep them from voting or sharing benefits because we are unhappy with their sexual decisions? Even when God calls out all these other folks in his book? What gives them the hall pass?

We still eat pork even though in Deuteronomy it says that we shouldn't. In fact, it lists out a bunch of foods that we aren't supposed to eat.

What about the whole, "Don't kill people" commandment? This great country of ours is great at it. Of course we do it so the terrorists won't keep us from the shopping malls...but we are among the best at slaughtering people. Is it ok as long as we say we are doing it for God?

Also, with divorce rates flying over 50% in this country, what are you so worried about? Chances are, it won't last...just like your failed marriage. Hold on though...isn't divorce a sin too? Wait now I am really getting confused...Gay marriage should be banned but divorce should be an industry? Hell people even celebrate divorces. I guess I am having a hard time understanding where your faith makes any sense.

I have set it before..."If you make divorce illegal, everyone would go ahead and give marriage a second thought.

But I can understand needing to get married since a pregnancy was involved....ooooh shit...wait...Sex before marriage? Isn't that...no it couldn't be, all the faithful redneck teen moms were all married before conception. I am sure of it! Or did you find someway to get God to sanctify your Keystone fueled romp in the bed of a pick up? If you can explain that one to me, I'd sure be grateful.

My favorite were the women that stood forth on mighty pedestals denouncing the lifestyle! I mean, maybe they thought if they made enough noise, people would forget about what the Bible says about women...If you know what it says...then you should probably Shut the fuck up...because that's exactly what it says you should do. And for those of you that haven't been discarded by you first husband and baby daddy, I really hope you are behaving and being submissive to your man...transgressors...You should have plenty of time to practice working at home as it says in Titus.

I guess you could throw back at me that I took some of that out of context...Kind of like you did with the homosexuality text. I guess you could always throw back that some of those rules are antiquated and don't have to be followed. But what makes Homosexuality any different? Who gives you fucking tards the right to judge anyone based on a book you don't even follow? By the code of Jehovah you are all going to hell. So if you don't like gay people now, you should try to get used to hearing a feminine male scream, because you will be spending eternity right next to him. I think the biggest sin here is how fucking stupid you all are.

You know back in the day they had Biblical justifications for slavery. Some racist groups still believe in them.
You used to be able to beat your wife.

But as a group, we slowly but surely grew out of that nonsense. This is nothing different. It just can't make sense to the feeble minded American that doesn't have enough going for them to look up to anyone any better than a bearded redneck asshole.

Also, before you come at me, or judge me, as you have probably done the whole time you read this, you have no idea what my relationship is with God. I can assure you have one and I am a grateful person for things that have been given to me, especially the gift of commonsense and the intelligence to know that rules from 2000 years ago, may not apply to todays world as literally as you think they should.

(For any of you atheist, I know this probably got your motor running, but keep it to yourself. You can be more annoying than a pissed off chihuahua and this isn't the time to hear your nonsense either.)

One rule I will say that should stand today is that you should be good to other people...maybe that will free up some of your time to clean up your own act.