I have been thinking about this whole Duck Dynasty, Phil Robertson, and outraged Redneck America fiasco that has come and past. Some of it was disturbing and hard to swallow like somehow the apocalypse had already happened to our brains and the rest of existence just needed to catch up. It scared me.
So I am drafting now what could be a law and possibly save us for this nonsense and hazardous stupidity. It may seem harsh, but don't fear, we will leave the TV on for you as not to interrupt the intravenous absurdity most people require to live. We won't take away your fix. You can continue to grow fat and drool in front of your television and spend your money in the free market accordingly. We are just trying to quarantine your mental dribble from those of us trying to get on with our lives in serious manner. Shiny and fluffy toys will be made available for you upon request.
We are just going to make some adjustments to your freedom of speech and your ability to spout opinions on the rest of us. This is for your own protection and for the greater good of national security, publicity, and overall well being.
1. First if your life resembles some sort of cliche or early 90's Reba McEntire video, you are no longer allowed an opinion.
2. If you are a current fan or these musical disasters, you will also not be allowed an opinion on any public or social matter.
Nickleback
Drake
Aforementioned Reba
Nicki Minaj
Justin Beiber
Miley Cyrus
Lady Gaga
....these and the like will be reason for opinion termination. This is a living document and that list shall grow as more names come to me or are set loose on the people like rancid poultry causing disease.
3. If have ever gotten religious perspective from TV or Film.
4. If you have children and you made their name up or used one of these suffixes and attached your own prefix to create said name. This also applies to taking a traditional name and changing the spelling as to seem more hip and cool with the intention of adding personality to your child before giving them a chance to develop their own. You may lose more rights if it comes to light you thought this name was at all creative.
Suffix aiden- Examples Braiden, Kaiden, Paiden, and so on....
Suffix iley or ylee, or any variation thereof - such Briley or Brylee, Kilie or Kylee
Again this is a living document and this list will grow.
5. Anyone that chooses to mix faith with opinion without first seeking the counsel of reason or actual facts.
6. Pretty much any adult male that drives a small coupe with the intention of trying to make it a sports car.
7. Any adult male that drives a small car that is marketed as a sports car but is clearly not real sports car.
8. Maybe any adult male driving a small car for any other reason besides budget or environmental impact.
9. Any woman that has been in an abusive relationship but has 10 decent guys in the friendzone.
10. Anyone, man, woman or otherwise that has used rap/hip-hop lyrics to express how they feel on social media.
(Exceptions will be made for The Beastie Boys)
11. Anyone, man, woman, or otherwise that has used any song lyrics on a regular basis to describe feelings on social media. Rap and Hip-Hop were singled out due the extreme repugnance.
12. Anyone, man, woman or otherwise that finds any substance or entertainment value in shows or films about pregnant teenagers. Harsher punishments are being consider for this one...
This is a living document and shall grow as needed and as new idiocy arises that we feel we must be sheltered from.
We protect our borders but we must protect ourselves from the spreading disease or ridiculousness that has a grip on our culture, like a fat baby with a McNugget...there is no hope.
