Category: Life
The Bloodhound Gang
Get a Life | MySpace Video
Main Entry: com·mu·ni·ca·tion
Pronunciation: ..kə-ˌmyü-nə-ˈkā-shən..
Function: noun
Date: 14th century
1 : an act or instance of transmitting
2 a : information communicated b : a verbal or written message
3 a : a process by which information is exchanged between individuals through a common system of symbols, signs, or behavior ..; also : exchange of information b : personal rapport
4 plural a : a system (as of telephones) for communicating b : a system of routes for moving troops, supplies, and vehicles c : personnel engaged in communicating
5 plural but sing or plural in constr a : a technique for expressing ideas effectively (as in speech) b : the technology of the transmission of information (as by print or telecommunication)
— com·mu·ni·ca·tion·al ..-shnəl, -shə-nəl.. adjective
Communication exist in many species living and flourishing on this planet and is really the reason they are able to do so. Communication is the reason for weaker species to work the way up the food chain and live, thrive, and aggressively evolve.
Bees, dolphins, apes, and disappointingly humans...
See as much I as I go out and observe these behaviors I rant about on a regular basis including relationships and self worth and such...I have noticed lately that even on a primal level, we are so dysfunctional. I wish there were some way to answer this with one epic and exact answer to this epidemic.
The sad thing is, we are ALL guilty of these. Even where I do my best to be a very efficient communicator...so you are not at all excluded no matter who you are!
Lets get started.
1. The worst in my book. THE INTERRUPTER. You will not get out a sentence with this person in front of you. Once a small phrase comes from anyone's mouth they are off and running and you WILL NOT get to talk until they are done...then maybe just maybe this motherfucker will shut up and let you make a point or tell a story. Its like this dumbass thinks everything he has to say or every story he has to tell has to be told because you were destined to be boring. Someone put eye drops in his beer...he can write his thoughts on the stall wall and we can be done with it.
2. THE ONE UPPER. This little fella makes me want to fight him with all the fists of fury in China and burn him with newports. Where he may not interrupt you, he will make sure that once your story or point has been made, he will trump it. He has done the same exact thing...just a little effing better. This fuck ass has had a faster car, hotter chicks, fatter chicks, ate more, drank more, puked more, is stronger, faster, sexier, taller, shorter, what the fuck ever but it will be better and more epic than the story you tell. He can not let you out do him/her no matter what. His story must be more grand to keep the story going. Its bad too because sometimes you can even tell the asshole is lying! Makes you embarrassed for him but you have to keep listening until he done telling you how he drove 120 miles an hour to go fight 10 guys then get laid by his super model girlfriend that now lives in Canada. Holy crap...you are annoying.
2a. The ONE UPPER but uses someone else so you cant prove its bullshit. Same principle, however, they never trumped you but they do have a friend, family member, distant acquaintance, or just "saw/heard one time of someone", to out do you. These people are most definitely making it up...but once again, you have to sit and listen. Wow...Its pretty sad. Hey ONE UPPERS, just learn how to tell your lame ass story better and you wont have to make fantasy out of it. We're all onto you!
3. THE BLACK TALKER. Ok, I have mentioned this one before in past blogs. This one goes out to the white person, guy or girl, that gets mad, worked up, or whatever about things and thinks the best, toughest way to get their point across is to speak as if they too are black. They actually in my eyes create an offensive characatuer of black people. I mean some black people do get animated when excited and act just as retarded but its more than comical when the occasional whitey decides to "try it on" if you will. lol..Holy crap...who are you fooling? Does it ever work? Do you think that people take you more seriously when you snap in the air and move your head in a circular motion while completely fucking up slang and accent alike? Next time this happens, I want you to ask the closest black person if they were convinced. You are a fucking idiot and I am embarrassed for you. lol
3a.White girls are guilty of the BLACK TALK mostly when trying to defend their MAN. lol Well honey, let me tell you, your boyfriend most definitely does want to bang a black chick, but you dont have to ruin it for him by being a jack ass. Stop and find your own identity. You dont need anyone else laughing behind your back.
3b. White guys are guilty of this anytime they are feeling aggressive. I love this. They are mad, worked up, and about to fight the other guy in the bar and they start spouting things like "Homie dont play that!" or whatever tough rap lyric they can muster up in that moment. It is hysterical because this abrocrombie fag just got gansta and wishes more than anything he was wearing dickeys or something. So pathetic. You better stop that shit before Tyrone gets mad and punches you out of general purpose. It dont matter how many Tu-Pac cds you cram into that Dodge Neon that grandma and everyone pitched in to help you buy...you are not black. The other time they are guilty of this embarrassing offense is when they are talking about how they are going to or are about to get on that "shawty" over there. Because well, again, their new found hip-hip persona (MC Cowlick) is going to help then woo this 21 year old blonde "ho" at the bar. Listen bro...take your zima and sit down. You're douchetastic and embarrassing all your friends.
4. THE ALREADY DONE THAT GUY
This guy is a little different but not much than the one upper. But he can successfully make your story or input in a conversation seem like old news or insignificant. I mean this person has already done this or been there or bought that or fucked that person or whatever. Once again, someone that does not at all feel comfortable just being a part of a convo. They need some spotlight, and if they are not getting any...neither will you.
5. THE PROBLEM SOLVER
This person has an answer to all you ailments and problems. Got a shitty friend? They know exactly what to tell them. Transmission busted? This friend can tell you exactly whats wrong, how to fix it, or "knows a guy" that can fix it cheap! You cant just vent about a fucking thing because he has a solution and after you hear this solution...youre done! Dont bring it back up. Wanna quit smoking? They know how and the exact science that goes into it! This person, in their own mind, has it all figured out...Dont you worry! I wonder if they ever ponder the fact that no one ever calls them when in actual tight spots? Again a loser that needs to show some worth in a conversation. Shut up asshole, I have a grandfather and he knows everything. lol
6. THE PSYCHIC
This person always know exactly what you are going to say before you finish your sentence. And just to prove that...they finish every sentence you say. See its been said they are just over actively listening, however, I believe its just to show that already know what you are going to say. Anyway it goes, this person too is taking your credibility from the conversation and showing that what you have to say is so boring and unpredictable that you should just shut up and let them talk. I mean really...just let me say it. Its my turn!
6a. This person does the same thing, however, they just repeat (immediately) the last couple words of your sentence because they want to pretend they knew what you were gonna say. The thing is that they had no fucking clue! This fuck head just wants to seem smarter and this little conversation trick that has been passed down is the way to do it. I say "I had to change my starter but I am still having problems with my flywheel." As soon as my mouth closes they say "FLYWHEEL!" Dont act like you knew what I was gonna say you dick ass! You didnt know!
7. TALKS TO MUCH
This person we all know. They dont even care if you have anything to say or add to what they are saying. They just talk and talk and talk and talk and sometimes cause a completely wonderful social situation to disperse and go home. They just dont shut up and often become low dose friends that the rest of us sit around and make fun and dont invite out anymore. You friend are a joke and just dont know it. Learn to listen. Shut your fuck mouth and listen. Youre an idiot.
8. THE DISTRACTED
This person makes you want to push their stool over and pore your beer in their eyes. They are there with you...but only in body. They are constantly looking around or texting, or calling, or something. You are just there to fill space for them while they look in vein for something more exciting. I want to take the cell phone drop it in beer. Or I would like to move to the side of the room they keep staring into so we can actually have a conversation. Pay attention shit head! Its just rude.
9.THE POLITICIAN
This person can solve or relate to any situation by relating back to what they heard on NPR/FOX News. This person has a reasonable grasp on the state of the union and has given them a little bit of an identity. Where I am glad this nerd isnt playing world of warcraft, I still dont care what they are saying. Come on, we all have our understanding views and beliefs on what you are saying but you are just really making us uncomfortable and boring the shit out of everyone. Good for you for watching you cable news shows...but take that shit on man, Im trying to drink.
10. THE FAME WHORE
See I know a few people that know famous people. They have had lives that put them in that spot and given the right time will tell some really interesting stories but the fact that they know them and lived that life makes them over look it mostly. In my life I have had a couple neato encounters with famous folks and given he correct conversation I will share my few instances. But this asshole is the person that is related to, best friends with, worked for, or grew up with one to many celebrities for no real reason at all. They have a need to be a part of something much bigger than themselves...well how about this ball licker? Go to church! Holy crap I hate listening to the blatant lies from these fucks. "Oh yeah, my great great great grandfather is Billy the Kid." No the fuck he isnt. "Oh yeah, I used to DJ at a club in Dallas, I pretty close people with Mark Cuban." "Yeah my Aunt used to live next door to Kelly Clarkson and we made out when we were like 15." NO THE FUCK YOU DIDNT!!!!! Can we all just start ganging up on these people and kicking their asses? I mean really...you know at least one of these assholes.
11. THE EPIC LIFE
This guy (and its literally mostly guys) were in the marines. They were MMA fighters. They used to have a race car. They have been shot but beat up ten guys right after and didnt have to go to the hospital because they dressed their wounds with an old Indian remedy they learned while living in death valley with Apache medicine men. This fuck asses will lie to you without blinking even though you could physically prove they never have or will ever do anything they just said.But when you ask them why they live in a trailer house outside the city limits and dont have a car the give you a response like " i was working my way to epic greatness and then i got married accidentally and now i blame my shortcoming on that shit" I am pretty sure, though not a doctor, that these people are clinically insane. They almost believe it themselves. Honestly, they scare me and maybe we should lure them to a river with crayons and candies and drown them. Just saying.
12. THE DEVILS ADVOCATE
This person has to argue the other side of any point you make. You just got dumped so you say "That fuckin bitch! I gave her everything she wanted!" They say "Well maybe she just needed something you didnt have to give." You say "Why the hell would they fire me for that shit?" The say " I am sure they had a good reason." You just cant be mad or vent. They have to make sure you know the other person has a side to the story. Fuck you dick mouth! I need to vent. I want to say mean hurtful things I really dont mean just to get out some aggression and I dont need you arguing the other side. You are a dick and secretly like seeing me miserable thats why you keep instigating the point and now I want to make you eat a urinal cake and watch the worst episode of The Drew Carey Show 100 times in a row! Youre a dick. Shut your opinionated mouth!
13.The REF
This person hears a good conversation going between a couple folks with drastically differing points of you and it may be heated or just a little passionate. This fuckin asshole thinks its his job to jump in and arbitrate. Hes gonna referee this whole thing. He calls fouls and thinks he may need to actually explain your point to the other person. I mean apparently you arent as smart as this guy. I really dont like this guy. What usually happens at the end of these conversations is the two people arguing hate this person and shove jagged things in his bum bum. Come on man...shut up. You really arent that smart.
14. HOMESICK
This person is usually a transplant into your neck of the woods so they compare everything to "back home". Nothing in this new place quite measures up. Everything is less than and is stupid and weird. Well how about his cock monkey...move back. We like it here.
15. CANT LET GO
This person got owned in conversation or just didnt feel satisfied by how the conversation turned out earlier in the day/evening so they make it a point to bring it up multiple times in the time you spend together. They even try to fit into new conversations that have absolutely nothing to do with that point or story. Fuckin A man, let it go. Move on. Its obviously not that big a deal or you could leave. If people move on...they have moved on. You arent changing shit.
16. THE MAC DADDY
I really dont like this guy. He cant be in a conversation with girls without throwing little compliments or teases to the ladies in the conversation. You know his dick is hard and up in his waist band poking his belly button the whole night so he cant sit and talk. He is full throttle mackin on the girls even if you are debating burial or cremation. He dont care. This Casanova is gonna score him some vagina treasure and leave everyone else feeling awkward as shit. (Usually at this point, this douche has put on his bes Jay-Z voice) Douche monster. You probably wont be invited back and I hope you enjoy fucking the loser chubby snaggle tooth bitch everyone was ignoring anyway.
17.TOO CLOSE
This person cant say much to you without being close enough you can distinctly smell the piece the of corn they have stuck in their teeth. They breath, spit, and rub on you like youre a dirty payphone at a bus station. At these times I wish I had the resolve of Mike Tyson and could just knock this often drunk fucker on the ground. I mean watch your fucking proximity asshole...I have no fly zone but you should always respect personal space.
18. THE COMPLAINER
This person can't hear what you are saying over the obvious fact that the food they are eating was cooked wrong. Their drink tastes "different". They may even ask you to taste the food or drink validate this weird fucking OCD spoiled never happy bullshit they do everytime you go somewhere. See they dont listen. They need to find something to bitch about and then they will live on that same discrepancy all night so that the fact that your mom got swine flu seems small compared to the fact that their applebees burger was undercooked and they just dont feel well. This person is not happy with anything and you may have to go through about an hour of letting them bitch about completely insignificant shit that happened or maybe didnt happen to them through out their actually mundane day. Wow dude...we really dont care and you are working having to stay home and bitch to your many cats. You uptight fuck...get over it. I mean really.
19. THE BLOGGER
How about the guy that spends all this time looking at everyone around them and analyzing everything they do and making fun of them. I mean who are you jerk off? Are you perfect? Are some sort of Social Jesus? Really...gotta hate this judgmental fucker. You should all band together and dump hot fry grease from pit grill on his ball snacks and call him cuss words. What an asshole!
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!! I am sure there are some fuckers I missed...feel free to add to it without elaborating on #19 too awful much. (Its too easy)
Fact is we are all guilty of some of these but its annoying none the less. Add to the list and for Goodness sakes next time you are out be concious of your social habits and if you know a jerk off that just dont get it...we can all team up and call them out.
Ok love you guys...see ya when I get back from safari.
